Saturday night a walked home from Crestview.
Brandon,
I don't know what to do.
I love you with all my heart.
I physically feel the pain of being away.
My heart hurts.
I'm empty and I can't stop thinking and dreaming about you.
But how could you do that?!?!?
I know you lied to me. I saw it with my own eyes! How can you say you didn't??
I've never felt such rage! Such betrayal. Such pain.
I'm dying.
If I can't trust you, who can I trust?
You were my best friend! My everything!
Now what am I supposed to do?
I still love you.
Damn it, I still love you.
I don't know why. I shouldn't. You don't fight for me, I don't come first to you, you don't care about me like I care about you, you can't even be honest with me. Maybe we'd be better apart.
But what about all those messages you've sent me? You loved me then. Back then, I was pretty sure you loved me more than I loved you. But now...now I don't know.
But what about you telling me about you breaking down after I walked away and wouldn't get in your car? And crying with your dad and at the restaurant with your friends?
Then again, how do I know that's not a lie.
Of course it's not a lie, what am I thinking? You wouldn't do that to me.
But you'd risk splitting us up to lie to me about calling me Alex. And not even try to stay with me. God. Something as small and stupid as that. And you don't trust me with your password. What's with that? I have nothing to hide from you. I'd give you mine at the drop of a dime. Hell, I already have! And your brother!
Whatever. I still don't know what to do. Because the thought of losing you is tearing me apart. I just CANT DO IT! WHY FREAKING NOT!
Clearly we'd be better apart. You don't need me, you don't want me. You have plenty of other friends, you have school, band, work-kinda, and a new college next year. You could get any girl. And me, I have college, I guess.
What am I saying, I have nothing. You're too big of a part of me for me to go on.
I'm not obsessive, you're just all I have. And you just letting me go like this is KILLING ME! Everything is making me cry because I think of you. Songs, people talking to me, you talking to me, you not talking to me, A FREAKING DISNEY MOVIE! I'm ashamed about that last one.
It's funny, you're probably the only person to have seen me cry more than once in the last ten years. That may be exaggerating a bit, but you get my point. I almost never cried before you. And especially not to anyone. Joseph made me cry some too, but not near this much. He made me cry because he'd hurt me.
You, you make me cry because I love you so much. More than I could ever express. So I cry because every emotion with you is magnified so much more than anything I've ever felt. You make me cry because you hurt me or disappoint me or upset me, but also when I miss you, you make me happy, when you love me, when I love you.
The thing that gets me now is that I haven't cried about the last half of that list since...I guess before you started band. Once band started, everything changed. Music and friends became your priority. And I can't compete with that.
But I can't let you go.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I can do.
I can't wait around for you to make a move. Because you won't. You never have before, and what should make me think you'd start now?
So I'll probably say something to you tomorrow. Or, today I guess. Maybe I'll show you this. Though that's probably a bad idea. You'll think I'm insane or obsessive.
But I want you to know I'm really not. I just need a way to get everything out. I don't have anyone to talk to about you.
I tried with Aaron. But he's a boy. He can't really relate.
And Katie, well, Katie hates talking with me about you. I'm still positive she likes you.
And hell no, I'm not talking to my parents.
I'm not close enough to anyone else to talk to them about you.
So I'm alone.
What's new.
I'll bottle everything up as usual. And the next time something small happens, I'll explode. It's like shaking up a pop bottle. You shake me up and I keep myself closed. Then you twist the lid a little and everything comes flowing out from before. Damn you.
I love you.
You drive me so FREAKING INSANE!
Maybe I am obsessive and insane.
But not in a bad way.
Eh, call it what you will. I don't care.
Or, I won't show that I care.
God.
Hm. This did seem to help. You knew most of this already, but it still gets all my thoughts out. Like an outlet or ...... something.
I'm much calmer now. I'll have to do this more often.
FTW I am insane! I'm not talking to you! Or I won't show this to you I mean. Why am I talking like this???
Maybe I should...
Nooooooo! Bad idea. You will totally be turned off by me.
STOP WITH THE YOU'S!!!
Brandon would be totally turned off by me!
Better :)
But I still have a problem with you.
-There I go again. Oh well.-
I don't want to fight with you.
I want you to come to my house without me knowing.
I want you to knock on the door and ask for me.
It will probably be me answering because I'm the only one ever home these days.
I want you to apologize about lying to me and hurting me.
I want you to apologize a hundred times over.
I want you to beg my forgiveness and say you'll never lie to me again.
I want you to follow through with that-duh.
I will forgive you instantly. Because I can't help but to do so. Love makes us to stupid things :p
Then I want you to hug me and hold me and tell me you love me over and over until I cut you off with a kiss.
I want you to tell me you love me in between every kiss.
I want to hold you then, and hug you tight and tell you I love you too, and that I will forever with all my heart.
Then I want us to live happily ever after :]
But that's all fantasy. Wishful thinking.
You won't come to my house.
You might text me, in a day or two if I'm lucky.
You won't admit you lied, or, if you do, it'll be totally fake.
Then either I'll question you and we'll fight again and life will end for me, once again, or I will believe you because I'm so fucking naive and we'll fight about it another day.
Reality sucks.
I prefer what's going on in my mind.
The future, the wishful one, seems so perfect and wonderful. If only that could happen.
But it's only my mind. My train of thought.
I want to show this to you. I want you to see how I really feel about everything; how I think.
But I can't.
I don't want to show you this because I don't want you to think I'm crazy; I don't want to be so vulnerable, you knowing everything; I don't want you to see all those things I want and for you to do them just because you saw this. I want you to be you. I don't want to influence you. I want to see what you will do, how much you care, how much you want me.
But you seeing this would help you understand where I'm coming from. And maybe after reading it, you will defend your self, explain yourself, and tell me how much you care/want me.
I don't know what to do. Again.
Well, if I do show this to you, please don't do exactly what I said in my fantasy. That'd kinda make me feel like crap. Like you didn't care enough to come up with something on your own.
God, I'd feel so stupid if I showed this to you.
I guess it's a good thing I'm not mad/sad/hurt anymore. Otherwise, this entry would be terrifying. And mean. And totally bias against you and giving you no chance.
Then again, right now I miss you and I'm longing for you. So I guess I'm bias toward you.
I'll wait it out and see if it would be a good or bad move to show this to you. I think the call I made to you tonight may be enough for right now. Right now being until later today(it is Monday, you know.) Like a call or visit tonight after your practice would be key. I won't respond well to a text. I really hate fighting over text. We misread each other and things just get worse.
Then again, you won't have read this, so you won't know how I feel about that.
Though I think I've said it before.
Or I might have just thought it.
This is why I need to start writing things down like this. Much easier to manage.
Whatever, I need to wrap this up. It's 310 now.
Brandon, I love you so much. Do you remember the fire we felt in the beginning? When a single touch felt like a shock of lightning or a great flame? Do you remember how we couldn't go one day, or even a couple hours apart before we felt that pang in our hearts from longing for one another? Do you remember the intensity?
I love you more.
And I always, always am going to.
I love you more and more every single day.
Remember that.
But our relationship is in your hands now. I want to be with you, but if you don't feel the same, well, I've fought for you long enough. I'll comply to anything you say.
Do what you want, you always do.
Goodnight/morning.
A DIARY! THAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE! I knew I'd think of it.
