Tilt Table Test

127am

I haven't had a chance to get on here since it happened but it needs to be recorded.

On Tuesday I went to Lexington Baptist Hospital, or whatever it's called, to take a tilt table test. Sounds kind of fun, right?

NO IT IS NOT FREAKING FUN!!!!!

It sucked.

First they attached the sticky, this-is-going-to-hurt-like-hell-when-they-tear-them-off monitor things all over my chest. Now they could see my heart rate and whatever else on the screen.

Then the put an IV in my arm. I'm terrified of needles and everyone could clearly see that when my heart rate shot up. To make it better, they put something or another in the IV. Not really sure what it was but I'm pretty sure it's whatever made me pass out so slowly. But I'll get to that later.

So they took my blood pressure and lied me down on a bed. Then the strapped me down for later when they tilt the bed up.

The nurse who gave me the IV >:( told me that the smallest time or the last time was 5 minutes before the guy passed out, which was apparently super fast. I told her I really didn't think I was going to pass out. It just wasn't one of those days where I was really dizzy at all.

Then they left.

So I lied there for 40 looooooooong minutes in silence, hungry and tired.

Not a good combination for me.

Finally they came back in, checked my blood pressure again, and we began the horror that is the tilt table test.

They tilted it up slowly so it was as if I was standing. They checked my blood pressure again. They had to do this now every minute or something.

I felt the normal dizziness for about a minute and I wasn't concerned. I thought, 'there's no way I'd pass out from this.'

Then the room started spinning.

My vision started to fade but I didn't think much of this. It happens sometimes when I'm dizzy. But this wouldn't go away.

Slowly, I started to feel really sick. I was sure I was going to get sick.

My head started pounding and my legs gave out. If it weren't for the straps I would have fallen face first on the floor.

At this point my vision was completely gone and it was beginning to get hard to breathe. My lungs seems to tighten up and I felt like I was choking.

I couldn't hear much except them constantly asking if I was with them. I'd respond the best I could but it mostly came out as a weak, whispered yeah.

Then I hear the freaking IV nurse say she can't find my blood pressure. She tried again and it was far too faint to hear.

So I can't see or breathe, can barely hear, my head is spinning and hurts, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I lost control of my body, and this damn nurse is freaking out that she can't find my blood pressure because it's dangerously low.

What. The. Fuck.

So they began to tilt me back to lying down again.

I started to be able to see and breathe again, but now there was this horrific hollow ringing screeching in my ears.

At least my blood pressure started to go up.

After a while everything started to subside and they started talking to me about it.

That whole fucking miserable experience that literally felt like fifteen minutes was only three minutes, from when they tilted me up to when they brought me back down.

New record. Woo.

Easily one of the worst experiences of my entire life. I'd rather get the fucking surgery and end this already.

Going the Distance

209

I didn't realize how distant I've been. Both Sam and Chad called me one of their best friends.

And not recently, I was just thinking about it now. I didn't even realize I was all that close to them.

Sam I could see me becoming really good friends with.

Chad, eh. He's known to be a liar. I'm finished even considering being close to people who can't be honest. But I know he does really care about me and me being safe and healthy. Much more than what I can say for the one who actually caused the majority of my suffering...

But still. Not getting too close. I'm not going to be vulnerable again. What I'm worried about with Sam is that I don't know if Erin is cool with her boyfriends being close to girls. She'd have absolutely nothing to worry about from me (Sam's not the kind of guy I'd date. Then again, I didn't think Brandon was. But Erin is most definitely not someone I'd ever hurt. She's far too incredibly sweet and sincere to do that to.) but I still would want to be sure she's okay with it. She seems like the jealous type.

Off topic. But yeah, I'm really surprised I've been so distant. Usually I'm the one who sees a friend in someone before they do. I guess when you have nothing left in the world, you lose focus.

Stuck on You

Don't get me wrong, I do not want to date him. But I've never had a real best friend besides him. Someone I can confide everything in without worrying about him judging me. Someone who would keep my secrets and not tell anyone. Someone who I could trust. Someone who cared about me no matter what and was always there for me. A real best friend. He is none of these things to me anymore, absolutely none, but it's so hard to let him go. It's so hard to let that go. A best friend. Yeah, I've had so many friends in the past. More than I can remember. But there was always something. They'd tell people what I said or lie to me or judge me or whatever else. For 8 months (ish), Brandon was the perfect best friend. Even if we weren't dating. Now I've met like fifty (no joke) new people and none of them fit the part. Breanna is my best friend now, but she's younger. There's things I can't tell her, things she wouldn't get because she hasn't live it yet. She's like my younger sister and I love her to death. But in addition to her--because I wouldn't trade her for the world-- I need someone I can share everything with. I've gone my whole life keeping things to myself and locked up, letting it build up until it hurts. There was always something wrong and I was never 100 percent happy. But when I had Brandon as a best friend, I didn't need to keep everything in. I was happier and it seemed like nothing in my life was wrong. That is absolutely something I do not want to let go of. It just sucks that he keeps shoving me away and saying that it's for the better. He doesn't understand that he's making everything that much worse. I wish he could see that. Or at least care if he does. I try and try to show him but it makes no difference.

Now more than ever I need someone. I'm out of options. I can't...do anything to myself anymore. I can't do that to my dad now that... and if my dad...if something happens to him, I can't do that to my family. So I'm left with living a miserable, tortured life by myself without any way out. Awesome.

And it continues.

My dad is dying.

Life just gets better and better.

He has the same thing my uncle died of when he was 28.

The doctors weren't even sure how he's still alive.

Upside-I might have saved him, at least for now. He only went to the doctors because he had many of the same symptoms as me. But they said I don't have it.

Downside-My dad was tested for this in his 20's and they said he didn't have it. And now he does. And very badly. Means if whatever is going on now doesn't kill me, that probably will soon enough.

Fuhk. Yeah.

Goodnight Moon

149am

Another awful day.

Woke up at 930 for a class at 10. It's a half hour drive. I somehow managed to dress and get there in time. I was dizzy all throughout class because of yesterday's emotional whatever and this morning's stress(that's what provokes my heart issues: emotion. Which explains my 'anxiety attacks' early on). Then after class Chad kept making me feel like a bad person because I haven't seen a doctor and I'm not getting the surgery for two months. After it really got to me, I broke and told him we couldn't afford it. He told me he didn't care and that I need to go. What the hell does he expect me to do?! I left immediately and tears ran from my eyes as I walked to my car. Awesome. I mean, I'm glad he cares so much, but there's a limit. I was dizzy on the drive home because of that. I got dizzy and had to grab on to the wall so I wouldn't fall a few hours later once I was back at school with Aaron and Erin. Most likely caused by that morning. Then there was the Brandon problem a couple hours after that. Right after I stopped talking to him, it happened again in the bleachers. I had nothing to hold onto and it was worse. Thank God Sam was there to catch me and hold me steady until I came to. At least Chad had left and wasn't there to harass me about seeing a doctor.

There were good parts to the day, but they are so extremely outweighed by the bad, it doesn't even matter.

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

I found this the other day. Pretty much summed up my past month for the most part. But things change. I especially should know this.

I never admitted this. To myself, yes, but not out loud or even on here. But the biggest thing I think I was still fighting for in Brandon was adoration, the way he loved me. He can be replaced. Other guys will love me and I may love other guys. But I guess I figured, I already had this, why look for another. I've had so many guys adore me before and since Brandon, I just like the way he did it best so they...aren't up to par I guess. But Brandon as a person? I don't miss that. Not anymore. Because that person is gone.

I just can't believe he's so fucking immature. GROW UP!

Well, actually I can believe it. That's just how he is. I just don't want to believe it. How he became such an asshole is just beyond me. He said once that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends. If it was the old Brandon, I'd adamantly argue that. But he's not going to have any friends if he continues to act like a dick to everyone.

I was the last person who would do anything for him, drop anything, say anything, whatever. And I absolutely guarantee that. His parents, maybe. I don't see his dad enough and his mom is extremely two-faced, so I don't know. Alicia and Alec would sell him out in a second and they have proven that many, many times. His friends, Beechwood, they'd be more concerned about protecting themselves. None of them have been in love. None of them know how to be so completely selfless and care wholeheartedly and unconditionally for someone else.

He said tonight that he isn't pushing people away. He may not be doing it intentionally, but he is. I said above that I was the last person who would do anything for him. Because I'm not going to anymore. He's got no one. He is such a completely different and ugly person now, I can't even begin to try to hold on to who he used to be.

The one thing I truly do not understand about him is why he doesn't go back to being that person. Back then he was happy. The depression was covered, if not gone. Why does he want to be this wretched person who is giving up on life and alienates himself? He can change that in a heartbeat. Change who he hangs around with, change how he treats people, change his mentality. It's not as hard as I'm sure he'll make it out to be. But he'll pretend it is to prove me wrong.

It's a shame. He has such a great life. Sure, his family life is tough sometimes, they don't have much money, and he has the pressure of being a great musician. He just doesn't realize how small those things will be next year. He'll be out of the house, have a full ride to wherever for music, and how he did in high school really will not matter. He can argue that all day with me but he really doesn't know what college is like. Music or art or whatever, it's all the same in any major. All high school does is get you into the college, which he had the talent to do even last year. Once in college, you're starting from scratch anyway. And, again, argue away Brandon, but I have friends in CCM. I know people in other schools' music programs. It does not matter.

-----------------------------------------------------

Change of pace, it's about to get painful.

I'm just so sick of everything getting so fucked up all the time.

I can't do anything right and nothing goes right. Everyday I am told more bad news and receive more disappointment.

My last hope is gone.

I'm done. I'm finished. With everything.

I can't afford to go to school. Not even for just this year. My family cannot pay for it.

Because of my heart problems I most likely won't be able to do ROTC to pay for school either.

Meaning I'll have to drop out or else go to NKU and major in something I'm not interested in the least. I can't stand the thought. UC is everything I've dreamed about. It's perfect for me.

Then again major-wise it's not like I'm interested in anything at all right now. I don't really see a future in general.

I need heart surgery.

We can't pay for that either.

Insurance won't even kick in until next year.

Two more months of hell.

I'm blacking out and getting dangerously dizzy all the time.

And this can kill me.

If it doesn't, the surgery can.

I live in a constant state of fear.

I live in a constant lie.

I can't fully be myself around anyone anymore.

I fake being happy every day.

I fake courage every day.

I've lost the one person who I actually cared about.

And cared about me.

I don't have anyone to turn to about anything.

I'm completely alone in the world, even with so many people surrounding me.

They don't know me, they don't understand.

I have no motivation to do anything.

I've lost reason to try to go on.

I have no hope for the future.

I have nothing.

So I'm done with it. What's the point of me sticking around and living a lie. I hate life, I hate myself. Pain isn't enough. I'm done. With everything. It's over. I give up.

Goodnight beautiful stars, and goodbye moonlight. I pray you'll miss me. At least someone will. Goodbye.

Someday

1155pm

Ugh. Where to start.

Well for starters, I didn't edit the last post. I may not have connected points well or whatever, but it's not that hard to figure out. I just keep getting distracted or lost in my thoughts. It's hard to get right back on track after that.

Anyway, yesterday Brandon and I sat up at the park. It was so nice and so easy. We talked like friends. I had no thoughts of anything else and it was no big deal at all. This is the way I want it. Relaxed and friends. Now I'm just afraid to ask him to ever do anything again because I know he doesn't like to be around people. I'll give it time. Maybe suggest something in a week. I don't know. I just can't lose him as a friend. Not now.

Which brings me to my next topic. Today was just awful. --and don't worry, I'll make the connection about not losing him now and my miserable day in a second.--

I couldn't sleep until 3 something, had to wake up at 6 to try to register for classes again, only to find it not work. I tried to get it to for a half hour, then finally gave up and went back to sleep at 640. Woke up for school at 720 and realized I had drawing and math today. Two least favorite classes. Then in drawing I couldn't draw a straight line, let alone a fucking ellipse. Then things got better when I hung out with Erin, Dana, and the boys. But then finite just had to come along. It wasn't too bad until I got a paper cut that stung like hell. Small but painful damn things. Oh and I forgot, I almost passed out on my way to Chad, Sam, and Joel's room when I was with Tim and Ryan. That sucked. It's getting a lot worse. Oh, and then I find out I can't register for my classes at all until Saturday. SATURDAY!!!! I checked the availability as of today, and of my seven classes, 4 were all filled. Fuck. My. Fucking. Life. Oh, oh, ha, and get this, my family can't afford to put me through school. Awesome. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

*sigh

My connection was that I need him now with all the heart stuff going on mostly. It is getting a lot worse and so quickly. I joke around about it and make it out to not be a big deal to people all the time, and no body knows this, but I'm absolutely terrified. I am so, so afraid every day to even get up out of bed.

I want to seem strong and I don't want people to be overly concerned about me so I play it off as nothing. But I stand up and almost fall over or into something, I go through entire days of not being able to see straight, and I get dizzy or blackout for a couple seconds while I'm driving. I want to have the surgery now. I'm less afraid of the death rate from that than I am of living day to day.

But I can't have it now. We can't pay for it. So I have to wait two months and have it in January. Two months. Two more months of constant fear and faking to everyone that I am fine. I mean, I'm used to the last part, but it's different with this. Faking emotions is nothing compared to faking courage and acting like I'm not about to pass out.

Luke and Tanner are going down with me for the surgery. A couple UC people may too. What I really need is for Brandon to be there. And I may have said this before. But I need him to be there, to tell me everything will be okay, to tell me to be strong, and to tell me he'll be there when it's all over. That's what I need.

But like he said, he just doesn't care about anything anymore. And what can I do? I have to respect that. I can be there for him and remind him that I care, but that's about it. As much as it kills me, I can't make him care about me. And, again, I mean this as a friend. I know he doesn't want to date-his nice way of saying he doesn't love me, doesn't care about me that way-and I know I shouldn't be with him, he's not the same guy I fell in love with anymore. I mean this as a friend. I want him to be there for me as my friend. My best friend.

There are days like today where dying seems like a blessing. Giving up seems like an easier path. But I know, especially from telling this kind of thing to Brandon and Tanner, that there is something worth living for. That I do have a lot going for me. It's just so hard to believe sometimes.

I have no inspiration, no motivation. I can't see myself in the future being in the army. I can't see myself being a fashion designer. I can't see myself in some random dead end job. I don't see anything. It's back to that. I have nothing, I've been left with nothing. It's times like these that I wish my heart would finally shut down.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

My family wouldn't have to pay for medical expenses or college for me. None of my friends 'need' me, they have other good friends and outlets. Brandon would be happier without me being here to bother him. And I have no future anyway. It seems like it would benefit everyone.

I cried today. Big surprise, right? Well actually, it's been over a month I'd say since the last time I did. It was around 1020 I guess--it's 1229 now, just for a reference--right before I got in the shower. I was thinking about something I might to this month, or at least before the heart surgery. I think I'm going to write a letter or an email or a text, depending on the person, to everyone I've really ever been close with, telling them my favorite memory with them. That'll probably be around fifty stories to write about.

If...something does happen, it'll be a good little memory I suppose. If everything ends up fine and I recover and all that, then it'll just be like a little 'getting back in touch,' cute message thing. Either way it'll be nice for people to get I think.

And I won't be sappy and say goodbye or anything stupid like that. But like one to my cousin Ellen would just talk about how we used to play totally spies at all the family gatherings and how silly we were. And I'd end it saying 'those were the days,' or something light like that.

What got me crying though...hm, I don't know if I want to get into this now. I've had a constant stream of tears flowing for a while now. Not like huffing and puffing or anything, just a steady stream flowing out. I think I'll wait for another night. On a side note, it's nice to cry in the shower. It just washes everything away and no one can tell you've been crying. Hmmm. But yeah. That's all for the night.

.

Headstong

1011pm

There's a million things I've been wanting to say for a couple days.

But I still don't feel like writing.

I'll simplify it-a lot- and come back to this another time.

I've been getting dizzier every day. Monday was really bad. I had a constant dizzy haze all day. Usually it just comes for a couple seconds then leaves. At least it wasn't bad. It just felt like a light sheet of dizzy was placed over me haha. I really can't describe it well. It wasn't hard to see or walk or anything. Well, it was hard to walk in a straight line, but you rarely need to do that. The hard thing to do was visually focus my eyes on something. It took twice as long to do the drawing homework than I should have. Driving worried me. But I'm alive. So whatever.

Brandon and I hung out Sunday night, 8 ish until 1 ish. It was good. It was nice. It was needed.

I think he may have the wrong idea about something though, thinking about it now. He kept reminding me that he didn't want to date. I kind of just kept thinking, yeah I know, but I never thought about why he was saying it. I don't want to date him. Scratch that. I don't want to date who he is now. So he has nothing to worry about.

What I want is him in my life. I don't know if he does anymore, but I still love him and care about him. I need him to be in my life like he promised he'd be, romantically or otherwise. I need him as a friend. He knows more about me than anyone, I can be stupid around him and he doesn't care. I used to be able to tell him anything, but I'm not sure about that anymore. Why the fuck he'd tell people I was suicidal is beyond me but it seriously put him on my shit list when it comes to trust. And I'm almost positive he bragged about his 'fan site' too. Dumb ass pisses me off sometimes.

Anyway, I still need him to be my friend. lol.

Everything feels so right when I'm with him. I feel safe and happy and peaceful. And I mean as friends. It was like that before too, but I mean...whatever, you know what I mean. It's different but still the same. Going on-

Sitting talking to him is so easy. And lying by him. It's all so comfortable. And, at least to me, it wasn't awkward at all. Lying with some guy friends it is. And, again, to me, I wasn't thinking of it romantically. Well, that is until he turned me around and all that...

When I'm away and I can think clearly, I know he's all wrong for me. Shit, just look back at everything he did to me. I don't want to date him at all. About 99 percent of the time.

There's just something about when he puts hand on my neck and his face is close to mine. My God. I've never wanted anyone more. Because like that, I think of who he used to be. And who he used to be, that was perfect.

I am constantly around guys, most of which are really great and treat me like gold. They're amazing. But it's like I search out their faults and reasons to turn them away when they flirt or make a move. None of them have...everything.

And I've had everything. I did for about seven months. But I lost that when July came around. And now I know why at least. I thought it was just band. Boy was I wrong haha.

Hm, I didn't talk about that night at Katie's on here. I learned a lot, Katie learned a lot. She cried a lot. I was shaking a lot. Probably due to how nervous I was. I didn't want her to hate me for being honest with her like that. But she didn't :)

My body shakes a lot now. Another heart side effect. It's all emotionally driven, which is why Monday was so bad I guess.

Getting off topic, big time.

But Brandon isn't like that anymore. Which sucks. Because it's going to be damn near impossible to find someone that perfect again. And I don't mean perfect as in perfect. I mean perfect as in imperfect, but in ways where I love every ounce of his being. His perfections, his imperfections, and everything in between. One in a million. Good thing there's a billion or so people in the world. Maybe I stand another chance ;D

I keep getting distracted by talking to people and the music I'm listening to. I really didn't mean to write this much, but now I also feel like I'm missing points I wanted to touch upon. OHHWEELLLL. I'll come back to this another time.

Oh my effing boys...

1240

Wow. Okay so I'm going to make a list of guys who are interested in me. Because it's too much to freaking believe.

Luke Ledonne-friend, likes me, but knows I don't want a boyfriend.

Tanner Blaire-friend, kiss when we see each other but he's like my best friend, neither want a bf/gf.

Jake Besse-knew from school, it was random, says he liked me in high school but was afraid to date a younger girl.

Chad Ackerman-friend, likes me, neither of us want a bf/gf, but we both like each other.

The Bellevue band boys-hahahahahaha!

Cody Goode-friend, likes me but he's not my type.

Joel Moenter-friend, we had a thing but it wasn't going to work, not my type.

Tim Hale-friend, likes me but he doesn't seem like the boyfriend type, would only be a friend.

Alan Baker-friend, likes me, still don't know him well enough but we're going on another date, knows I don't want a boyfriend.

Daniel Orbach-friend, kissed once, likes me but we couldn't go out because he's jewish and I'm not.

Junior-random, asked me to dance but I couldn't. I owe him one and think I'll try to find him at the Halloween party to dance. Seemed like a great guy.

Kid I can't remember-random, we danced, it was weird...

John Davies-knew from school, it was random, we talked and he asked me on a date. We'll see how it goes.

Kyle Strian-random for now, interested, just met him tonight so I don't know.

And then of course I have all the other guys I've met and I'm friends with:

Ryan Finke, Sam Naseem, Zach Keeney, Brian, Chris, Matt, David, Alex, Devon, and Timothy. So who knows what the future holds. Other than Timothy, because he's into guys.

Hm, I've made very few girl friends:

Brianna, Kat, Kate, Katherine, and Lauren.

Dang.

Sheee-yit. So many boys! And this is all since Brandon and I broke up. Guess I've still got it ;D

But none of these boys...call to me, if you will. Chad is the closest but it seems more like a crush than me falling for him.

Anyway, it's quite the confidence booster for sure. And reminds me that there are great guys out there. I may not have identified a new one yet, but I will. And I will live happily ever after :)

The end.

EDIT:

Nov.1

752pm

So I found out at the party last night that Brian likes me. He showed me in quite a few ways... And a pledge, Craig and I kissed. A lot. God. The way I acted last night, you'd think I'd been drinking! Hahaha

Chad was insanely jealous that I danced with Brian and Joel all night. Good thing he doesn't know about Craig. He'd probably kill him...

It was a fun night ;D

EDIT:

Dec.14

232am

Danny Boehmker and I went on a date. Randomly started talking to me. I don't know. Seems to be more into being physical. We haven't been at all. Literally. But he talks about getting a kiss and crap all the time. Kind of over it.

Tanner asked me out on an actual date, not just as friends like usual. Was pretty fun but also...painful...haha. He's rough.

New reason to ask the question that is the name of this journal.

149am

I'm having heart surgery.

Shit.

:D

1237am

Thank God for Chad.

I talked to him for a while today. I started to have another breakdown in drawing class. I have no idea why, but I did.

So I told him and he told me to come talk to him in his room.

I explained everything to him pretty much and he just said some things to me I really needed to hear.

"You're stupid," he said. That was it. He was right. He went on to tell me what everyone else has, how he's not even worth me trying to be his friend, how I don't deserve that, I will find someone better, etc. etc.

But for some reason him coming out and calling me stupid was just what I needed. Because he's right. I'm too trusting; too forgiving.

And it's true. I try to find the best in people. Even if I taking that idea of them from the past. Which is bad for me. It'll end up hurting me. I should know better than anyone that guys don't change. Not back anyway. Joseph and Brandon are great examples of that. It's almost frightening how much alike they seem to be now. Yikes! haha

Anyway, so I'm happy now :) I've got a date tomorrow night with a cool guy and I'm really excited! I've got so many wonderful new friends and still some old ones. I even made peace with Kate today because I was in such a good mood. It's been great since I talked to Chad.

I feel ready to take anything on now.

If Brandon wants to be friends, sure, cool, that's awesome. If not, okay, fine, whatever he wants. There's no more stress, concern, desires, nothing. I'll just go with the flow like the fortune teller told me I do ;D

Nighty night little lamb. I'm off to bed and I should be finished with this journal. Tune in next time to another journal on my profile. PEACE OUT YO!

Shadows and Regrets

I've never missed anyone before.

This is kind of a really big deal for someone like me. I don't miss people.

I know that sound weird, but that's just how i am. I'm not nostalgic; I don't miss things; I adapt really easy and have no problem moving on. I don't get home sick and I don't really try to stay in touch with people once they're gone. This is the first time I've ever missed any one at all.

It's a terrifying thing. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I tried starting a conversation. I tried asking if he wants any other music. I tried just being a friend. He wants none of it.

I just want my best friend back. That's all I'm asking.

Relapse

1019pm

Shit. Shit. What the fuck is going on.

I can't get him out of my head. I really don't know what's going on.

It hasn't been like this. Not for weeks.

I've been trying to distract myself and keep myself busy, but he won't fucking leave my mind. I can't focus on anything; I end up just staring into space thinking about him in some way or another. What he's doing right now, what it's going to be like seeing him at competitions, what we used to do together, silly stuff we'd say and do, inside jokes we had, sweet things he'd say, the things we'd planned together, what he thinks of me now, and on and on.

I'm about to have an anxiety attack. My head is pulsing, my chest feels light, my breaths are short and my heart is racing.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!

I really don't get it. Even when we dated he'd never so completely consume my thoughts to this extent.

It's...really scaring me.

I don't know what it means or what I'm supposed to do.

I'm starting to feel sick now too and I want to cry.

Why is this happening now? Nothing's been different about today. I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. I sent him a message a couple hours ago reminding him to grab something from school for me that he agreed to a while ago. He didn't answer, but that's not new.

Though he didn't answer yesterday either.

Maybe...I don't know. It still wouldn't explain why it's happening now, but maybe...I'm not sure how to put it just yet...

When we broke up, he'd always said he'd still be there for me and be my friend and I won't lose him. And I think I always thought we'd get back together or at least stay best friends. But I think something inside of me crashed down and (subconsciously) realized that I've lost him. He's gone.

There's probably some things I should add that I failed to mention the other night. When I went to talk to Katie, she was with him. When he dropped her off, I tried to get him to talk too, that way he either couldn't lie or else could only lie to one of us so we'd at least know what he wants. He wouldn't come so I called him out on some things he's lied about concerning Katie right there and needless to say, he was absolutely pissed when he left. I've never seen him so mad at me. It killed me a little but also just made me mad, because it showed what I said was right. Anyway, I thought it would be a while before he would talk to me again.

But then around 5am, while Aaron, Katie and I (yes, everything worked out okay and Katie and I are friends...kinda) were watching So You Think You Can Dance, I got a message from him.

I was shocked.

I opened it, expecting something angry and hatful, and was blown away.

"Go outside and look at the stars. They're beautiful."

What?

I had no idea what was going on. Without thinking, I grabbed my jacket and walked to the door. Katie and Aaron of course gave me a look like I was crazy. I just said I'll be right back and kept walking.

On the way out, I tried to think of why he'd send that. I thought maybe he was outside or something. But I was at Katie's and he wouldn't know that.

He obviously wasn't outside, but I stood out there and stared at the stars for a moment. They really were beautiful.

I walked inside and I responded something like, "They really are. I wish I had my glasses so I could see them better."

I figured if he was outside my house, he'd say something about it. He didn't. So I don't think he was.

Katie and Aaron asked if anything was wrong when I walked in. They had thought I was on the phone. I told them Luke told me to look at the stars. I was talking to Luke too so they believed it. I didn't want to bring up Brandon again that night. It was, and still is, a difficult subject between me and Katie and she still doesn't know what she's going to do.

Brandon responded a few more times. We talked about how much more beautiful it would be in the country and he said he gets to see that at his farm. Then he said he's tired and going to bed.

And he said goodbye.

Goodbye. He knows how I feel about that word. I'm afraid of it. It seems so...permanent. We'd only say it to each other if we were either really mad or really hurt.

But I don't think he was either. I think he meant goodbye. To me.

I said goodnight in return and didn't think much about it. But now I am. And I think my subconscious knew it which is why I'm cracking now.

It just makes so much sense.

And it's just tearing me to shreds in a way I've never felt. It's more intense than when we broke up. Because, again, I thought we'd always be together in some way.

But now...

My mind is still going nuts with thoughts of him and my body is still freaking out.

And I've got at least an hour of digital design work to do on this project and an exam in art history I haven't studied for.

And it's 11.

I really needed sleep tonight. This was a bad night for everything to happen.

I've lost my best friend. I've never realized how much I need him, in any way, shape, or form, to be in my life. Not like this.

Please, not like this. Please.

END

142pm

So this is the last one for this specific journal.

Because I don't have to ask the question anymore: "what am I supposed to do now?"

I've talked to Katie and I just hope she makes the right decision.

Brandon needs to straighten himself out before he tries to date anyone. The lying and deceiving is old.

Anyway, my final decision:

I love him with all my heart and I'd do anything for him. I'll go to his concerts and be there for him when he's sick. I'll be his best friend if he wants me to be.

But I will not date him like this.

I will be his friend, but I will not put my heart on the line.

If he can show me he's changed, like really prove it to me, then I would be all for dating him and following through with everything we've talked about concerning the future.

I would love that.

But not unless he changes back or into someone...good(for lack of a better term).

So yeah. That's it! All solved for now.

I feel so much lighter and I feel like I can go on with my life.

I still have a shadow hanging over my back full of memories and wishes, but there are rays of light brightening up my path. Finally. It's been a while.

That's it! PEACE!

Awake and Alive

109am

I went through a lot of different extremes tonight. And not so extremes.

Brandon forgot about me. What's new. I wasn't mad at all. More hurt and disappointed. But it felt kind of normal too. Bad sign.

But yeah.

Went to Tanner's. He kept me calm and just talked to me for a long time, relating completely to me. And I was okay.

But then later I found out that Brandon went to Katie's, told them that I freaked out on him because he ditched me, and showed them that I've talked about suicide.

Someone's screaming for attention. I was furious about the first two, he did ditch me and he lied about me. I was just really, really hurt by the last. That was just a low blow. I don't go telling people about his depression, why is he bragging about mine? I wouldn't even do that to someone I hated.

So yeah. Then we talked. Things went well. I was happy. I thought maybe there would be a future for us. He told me he's been trying to tell Katie he doesn't want to "talk" and that he didn't cuddle with only her, that it wasn't a big deal. I believed him.

Then Aaron tells me that Katie is getting the exact opposite texts from him. Ouch. And I found out about the suicide thing after I got off the phone with him. So at this point I'm just in a shit load of pain.

So here's the deal. I've got all kinds of confidence from who-knows-where suddenly. Like within the last ten minutes.

I deserve better. I shouldn't have to go through this crap. So I'm not going to. I'm going to work on Joel :) Brandon says he'll always love me and always be my friend, so I'm going to find out if he really means that I guess. He and Katie can date if they want. I doubt that'll last long anyway. And it will hurt like crazy knowing he's out with other girls. I just hope it hurts him more to see me. At this point, he'd have to beg me and convince me he's changed to take him back. Because I do deserve better than what he's been since July. Before that he was great! But I've got to quit holding on the the guy he used to be. That's not him anymore. And who he is now is not what I want. I won't settle for it.

I will be his friend, I'll talk to him a couple times a week, I'll try to hang out with him every once in a while. I will care about him forever, but I've realized, unless he changes either back to who he used to be or into someone new, he's not worth me stressing over. He'll either fall into the category with Clayton and Joseph and I won't talk to him at all anymore but if by chance he needs me I'll be there, or he'll(hopefully) fall into the category with Luke and Tanner and Chad and be my friend. A real friend too, not this crap he's trying to pull off as being a friend.

So yeah. I'm being strong. I'm clearing my mind. My heart has been ruled out. Actually, I'd say my heart has been broken by him too many times to be able to stand up for itself. But you know, my heart wants me to be happy too. So that's what I'm looking for now, happiness. I've got plenty of friends now who love me and would do anything for me. I don't need to rely on Brandon anymore for that. My life can be pretty great :) No more heartache, stressing about him, making myself sick, thinking about hurting myself and worse, being miserable, none of it. I'm moving on. I'm going to be happy dammit ;D

God, I love my friends so much. They give me the strength.

I'm still going to talk to Katie and tell her everything Brandon's said. I have messages to back it up too so he can't say I'm lying. She doesn't deserve to be led on, even if she is bitchy to me.

I do love Brandon with all my heart, but he needs to figure himself out. This weird deceiving, attention hungry, womanizer crap is, well, crap. He's was such an amazing guy before all that. I wish he'd realize it. And if he does, I hope he come to find me. Because I'd give anything to be with that guy.

Hm :) that made me think of Saturday. One thing he said about me dating other people, I just love. And it was just like the old Brandon that I miss. He said that if I date other people, he'll stay my friend and just hate on the guy. Then one day when he finally straightens himself out, he'll ride in on a horse(I just love that part) and kick the guy's ass, carry me off, and we'd get married and live happily ever after. Every aspect of that was like the old Brandon. Us being happy forever, something random and dramatic(the horse), and kicking ass. That's my Brandon. ;)

If that guy comes back, I'll be his in a heartbeat. But until then, I'm looking elsewhere for the next best thing.

Gosh. Now I just keep thinking back to all the great times Brandon and I had from last winter until midsummer. I've only been able to focus on the negative until now. But now I'm thinking about drawing on each other's legs at Danielle's. Or Sneaking into Kate's house that one weekend that we spent the night. And hanging out on his hammock. Sneaking glances in US History. Pretending we were really doing that work. Trying on silly hats at Crestview. Dancing together without any music playing or with me on his feet. Spending hours on a bus planning out our future together. Him sneaking me in to spend the night. Him doing whatever he can to convince me to stay longer. Talking about our past lives together or comparing ourselves to angels. Him pinning me against the wall. The messages he used to send me that would keep me blushing all night and were so sweet, I'd be at a loss of words and my response would suck compared to his(which I went back and read again on the other blog on my profile. Anyone can see why I was so in love). And spending hours upon hours just goofing off on his bed, telling stories, teasing each other, joking around, falling asleep, or just holding each other.

All this and so so so so so much more I can't even begin to describe.

Again, if this guy comes back, I'll drop everything in my life to be with him. But I can't wait around for him anymore. It pains me like crazy to say that but I know it's better this way.

Now I've got to follow through with it. :/

Ha, this could be hard. But I'm willing to try. Tanner's right. I've done nothing but think about everyone else. I need to do what's right for me.

Now we can be just friends like he wanted. No weirdness, no fighting, just friends. Now we can talk and hang out without problems. As long as he still will. Which would make me so so happy, like he doesn't even know.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, right?

Time to wrap this up.

:) I kind of feel like I'm worth something sorta. Yay improvement! Sweet dreams!

200am

I will not bow

732

WHAT THE HELL!!!

He fucking lied to my face! He said he wanted to be with me again. He said he still loved me. He said he didn't have time for a girlfriend right now.

AND HE'S FUCKING TALKING TO AND CUDDLING WITH KATIE?!?!?!?!

Now this would make me sound like a hypocrite if it weren't for the fact that she likes him and doesn't know what he's said to me. With Tanner and Joel, they both know I don't want to date them and that I like Brandon. Katie does not know that. He's either, a.) leading her on like an asshole, or b.) A HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Angry has a whole new meaning to me. And it comes with a huge side of violence. I've never felt this compelled to literally ring someone's neck or punch them in the face. It will take all my power not to do either if I see Brandon or Katie.

So I'm planning on seeing both of them.

I'm going to tell Katie what Brandon has said to me about wanting to be with me and loving me(whether it was a lie or not) and then tell her about the things we did Saturday.

I feel it's better Katie know what's going on. :)

As for Brandon, I'll give him about three seconds to explain himself before I tear him to shreds.

That's it for now. I'll be back tonight.

You could be happy

1241am

Surprised. Hurt. Happy. Crushed. Empty. Sad. Fulfilled. Tricked. Angry. Upset.

I don't know. There is no word to sum up my day.

He forgot about this morning.

Though he did say he wanted to hang out even if it was for only a little bit.

But I was not comfortable.

I'm afraid to talk around him. It's like the only thing I can do is nod and agree with whatever he's saying or else talk about what's wrong between us.

Which sucks.

It was nice at first. He held me and acted like he cared.

Things got physical.

On one hand, it was great.

It was what I wanted and...I don't know, I just want him. Not even the physical stuff necessarily. But it was still nice. It felt like he loved me again.

On the other hand, he doesn't want me. So it makes me feel like he has me over to do physical things. Which SUCKS.

Even then, it didn't feel the same as it used to. He looked around a lot and didn't seem...there.

I loved sitting/laying with him. Even when we weren't saying anything. I loved listening to him rant forever about band and crazy plans. I loved just being with him. But again, I wasn't comfortable and I almost didn't feel welcome. That's a bad way to describe it because that's not what it was, but that's the feeling I got. I couldn't talk because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I couldn't move because I didn't want to cross a line. I felt awkward and out of place. It would take us seeing each other more or possibly him treating me like a good fuhking friend to get us back the way we used to be.

He went out last night. After telling me he couldn't. Yeah, I get that his mom said no until then, but he didn't even ask her if he could hang out with me. HE said no.

But the way he described it about her waiting until then to say yes, couldn't he have said, well Ali asked me first, could I see her? Or something, anything.

Then right before I left, again another strike to me. This one isn't as much something I can explain, but I guess I can try. I'm just like every other friend to him. Actually, that's wrong, I'm just like his less important friends. There's me and Meliah and Kalee who he'll just not talk to once he gets bored with us or he has better things to do. But then there's his good friends like Nathan and Katie who he complains he can't get rid of. Funny how he can't just not talk to them. Then there's where someone he loves should be. Someone he'll say goodbye to or I've got to go to when he doesn't want to or can't talk. That's where I thought I'd be. That's not even where I was when he loved me. Back then, he wouldn't stop talking to me until he fell asleep. Then once we woke up, we'd start again through the day. But now I'm not even worth it to him to say bye to. Even after he said he would so many times.

He said today that if we were meant to be together, we would be. And I believe that too. But I know him. And the way he's going about it, we will not be together. It's like trying to get a promotion. If you're meant to get it you will, but you still have to at least try. You have to want it. There has to be effort behind it. The way he talked about it, the way he acts, the way he treats me, there is zero effort. Nothing. We will never be together. So him telling me he wants us to be together, whether is was or not, it felt like a lie.

Today when I got home, I felt off, I felt like everything he'd said was a trick to get me to do things. I didn't fully believe it, but something was itching at it. So I posted a status update saying Ali feels...like she's been fooled. He sent me a text saying no, I hadn't. I responded saying then I am one. He never answered. I said something like an hour later saying this is what I mean, or something along those lines. I got nothing. Then tonight around ten I said, no, I was fooled. Still nothing.

I just feel so miserable, so cut down, so betrayed, so tricked. It's like this is all some big joke to him. Like, let's see how much it shit I can throw at her until she figures out she needs to move on. Let's see how far I can push her until she cracks and she does something she'll regret. Let's see how much she can take before her world has crashed and she hates living. Because that's what it's getting to. Living life day by day is hell. I'm so torn between my head and my heart that it is literally tearing me apart and seriously affecting every aspect of my life.

It used to be so easy for me to be happy and social and for people to want to get to know me. Like Montreat, that was great! I was smiling the whole time, met tons of new people every day, and had no fear. But now with school, I second guess myself with everything, I'm hesitant about meeting people because I'm afraid they won't like me, and I have to force a smile across my face.

My confidence and self esteem are shot. Gone. I have no faith in myself and I'm always scared. And this is a time when I need to be brave and have all the confidence in the world. This is when I need to be making new friends and new connections for the future. And I can't do it. The friends I've made are people I've met through friends I made when I was happy. I'm trying, I really am, but you have no idea how hard it is.

I want to describe what my head and heart are screaming at me right now.

Head- You're fuhking stupid. Why the hell are you waiting around for him and wasting you're time when you know you're just going to be hurt again? You have other guys just begging for you and they're such great guys! MOVE ON! Be happy. Things feel weird when you're with Brandon anyway and he doesn't want to be with you. All he does is hurt you and take you for granted. He doesn't treat you well and you deserve better. You have better waiting at your doorstep. What are you waiting for?

Heart- You love him. You love him with everything you have. You don't see other guys the same way and definitely not in a long term way. You can't imagine being with anyone else. And there's still that chance. Maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll realize what he's lost and come back. Maybe he does still love you, but he has a fuking messed up way of showing it. You love him and can't give him up. Something is holding you back. Maybe it's all the incredible memories of you two, maybe it's how unbelievably happy you get when he does treat you well, or maybe it's the hope you have that things could go back to that way. Whatever it is, it's enough to make you endure all this pain over and over. And if you're willing to do that, it must be something worth fighting for.

My brain obviously has a better argument, but my heart is much more stubborn.

I just don't know what to do. I've said it a thousand times, but I'm stuck at that point. I've tried moving on, but I keep comparing them to Brandon or thinking about him instead. Or I think about him with someone else...I really don't think I'd be able to stop myself from killing her. Or him even. Especially since the "reason we broke up" was because he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Which is bullshit because he has plenty of time for all his other friends, just not me.

I want to go back. Back to when we didn't have problems. Back to when things were simple and happy. Back to when we would talk about anything and everything but not about problems because we didn't need to. Back when we would make up stories about our past lives or our future together. Back when he loved me like I love him.

I cried again tonight. I went back and reread some of the older posts and the saved messages. It really just made me hate myself so much more.

216

I feel

850pm

Surprised. Hurt. Happy. Crushed. Empty. Sad. Fulfilled. Tricked. Angry. Upset.

Leave the pieces when you go

712pm

Last night was so freaking great and made me so freaking happy. And I mean because he talked to me like he cared. Not because he said I was sexy and all that. Nice bonus, but I would have been just as happy without. But he wanted to talk to me! It felt so good. Why couldn't he have stayed that way? It was like he acted back when I was happy. Why did he have to go back to being crappy again today? Just another turn of the knife.

Speaking of, I'm off to play with the art blades. Oh, and to do my art project I guess.

1230am

SO FUHKING DEAD!

I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM!

I HOPE HE FUHKING ROTS IN HELL!

The way I loved you

1230

Great day over all but not much I want to talk about concerning it. I'd rather talk about the negative.

So I've noticed I have this constant underlying feeling of...I don't know what it is. I guess depression would sum it up, but I still don't really think I could be depressed. But yeah. I can have an amazing day and be happy and enjoy myself now which is great! That bad part is that I always have these sad/scary/paranoid/painful thoughts in the back of my mind. And if I take a break from anything and just think, like while I'm walking or eating or whatever, they fly to the top. I have to constantly keep myself busy or talking with people to keep them suppressed. It's...overwhelming sometimes. Both working to keep them down and all the stuff I do to keep them down. And yes those are two different things.

Brandon.

*sigh.

Again today 2 or 3 times he just wouldn't answer me. I had to call to get him to talk. And on the phone...God it hurt. He said the greatest thing I could ever say to him was that I was getting him sweet tea and ramen. Ouch. It was like a punch to the stomach.

And then he went on to say how all these other people said they were so worried about him as if to make me jealous. Does he really think I need that right now? I started to tear up and I thought I was going to lose it and start crying while I was on the phone with him.

God, talking to him just sucked. There is no emotion or care like there used to be in his voice anymore. It just kills me.

I played with my razor cutting blades for art tonight. I think flirting with the danger of hurting myself was a way to help push away the emotional pain without having to actually do it on purpose. Though I probably wouldn't have cared either way.

I'm starting to like Joel. It really surprised me, but I really look forward to seeing him and I love being in his arms. Then again, I'm like that with Tanner too, but Tanner has some personality traits and drinking/smoking habits I'm not a fan of. Joel doesn't. That I know of anyway. He drinks, but, haha, not like Tanner. As of right now, I think I'd be quite alright with dating Joel in the... sometime future?

But there's a couple things holding me back. Cody, Luke, Tanner, and Brandon.

Cody-I told him I didn't want to date right now just the other day. I mean, I don't really, but I also don't want to date him either way. He's quiet and awkward and way too far away anyway. But I can't tell him I don't want to date and then go out with someone else.

Luke and Tanner-Again, they like me. But also, I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Luke more so than Tanner. I think Tanner's still not up for dating yet anyway but still. But both him and Luke for the same reasons, just much more Luke. I don't know. I feel like I owe him. That's a sucky thing to go off of, but he was there for me through everything. He held me when I cried, he took me out to make me feel better, he truly cares about me and he's been my best friend. But you know, those are qualities of a best friend. Especially the last one ;) Tanner too. So maybe I'm just looking at them the wrong way. But I would need them to meet the guy and judge him before I date whoever.

Brandon-God, help me please. I guess to make a long story short, I'm still hoping he'll come back to me. Because if I move on, it'll give him more incentive to move on. And for a while, that will just tear me apart. But if the girl truly makes him happy, I'll be okay with it I guess. Ehhhh, tearing again.

Though honestly, I don't know how willing I'd be to going out with him again. He needs to grow up a lot. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's true. He's very stuck in his own little world and he'll get nowhere with that mentality. Not with me or the rest of mankind.

backwards as it may seem, he acted more mature in the first half of our relationship. I think getting back in band and being around those people brought him down quite a bit. I love the band and everyone in it, but they seriously need to grow up. Especially the seniors. They don't seem to get that there's more to life than high school. Like Katie. She's lost all her friends outside of it, me, Aaron, etc. Everyone else is moving in that direction too. Thank God our class wasn't like that, or really any before us. Well, of course there were the select few, but there always is. Hm, I wonder what caused the shift with this grade. Probably because they're all so full of themselves. Wow, that sounded mean. It wasn't supposed to. It's just that they're all so talented, so they think they're the shit and that's all there is in life. I can't wait until they graduate and get kicked in the ass in college. Yeah, that sounded mean, but it was supposed to this time. Because it's the truth and they need it or they won't have any friends other than each other.

Brandon said the other night that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends.

If he keeps treating people the way he treats me, he won't have any besides me. Because I won't give up on him. But I guarantee the rest will. But...I couldn't.

--I keep dozing. I'll talk more about this tomorrow.

125pm

I'm not going to let you disappear.

143am

What an incredible weekend. I'll start with Friday.

Art history that morning at ten.

I'm so going to be late on days when I have rappelling in the morning. She said I had better get there in time when I asked her about it. Well crap.

Class was boring but Chad and Tim helped keep me busy drawing all over my note page. After that I went with Erin, Tim, and Ben to start the color project. Then I hung out in Joel's dorm room for an hour with his roommate How(He's chinese, I don't know how to spell it.) while he went to math. How is freaking awesome! Doesn't know a ton of english, but he's getting there. Chad came in after about a half hour and joined in. Joel and Sam came in at the end of the hour. We goofed off for a while, played Call of Duty(or tried in my case), then everyone had to go so it was just me and Joel.

He's great. We talked and acted silly and teased each other and flirted. We kissed too. He's really bad. Maybe I should fix that! hahaha. But yeah. He knows I don't want a boyfriend and we've talked plenty since so it's not like it's awkward. It's really no big deal haha.

That night I left in a huge freaking hurry(thanks to Joel not letting me leave, the butthead) and sped an hour north for Pride. We did dance and flag. Flag was great but dance seemed so hard! Luckily it got easier as the weekend went on. That night we went from 7pm to 11pm.

Saturday, we did dance again, then rifle, then sabre. Dance just reviewed from the night before. Rifle went really well. I caught on to the work quickly and technique wasn't bad. Sabre was another story. It took me forever to catch on to the work! I felt so behind.

We did runs of all the work we'd learned so far the past two days that night. Kind of like a midterm. I did great on dance. If I remember correctly, rifle was good too. Sabre blew. But the four people I did it with screwed up too. All the other groups were much better on it. We didn't do flag. That day was 8am to 10pm, basically non-stop. Rough.

Sunday we did it all. It was pretty much all review all day but also sabre technique. That was going really well until we got to 6's and 7's on blade. I can't do them. 7 on hilt, sure. Blade? Not a freaking chance. I struggled to get to 5's. Embarrassing. But the rest was good.

That evening we had our 'finals.' Basically they called us up in groups of 5 or 6 on whatever piece of equipment/flag/dance and we did a run of the work twice.

Flag-pretty good. I think I turned too much on both runs at the end. Hey, at least I'm consistant haha.

Rifle-very good. Neither of the 6's were very solid, but I performed well and hardcore and hit all the work very very well.

Sabre-first one was rough. Not my worst, but I'd done better. Second was the second best I'd done. I've never gotten through it flawlessly like the other equipment, but I only missed the grab right before the 6 so I used 2 hands instead of 1.

Dance-beautiful. I love that dance. It's just great. And I love performing it! It's a mix of being sad and hurt like your heart got ripped out. Let's just say I was one of the more realistic performers. I almost started crying one of the times haha.

Sunday we worked 8am-5pm.

So to wrap up Pride, I did great for a high school graduate. But I was trying out against people who'd marched in the Blue Devils, Cavies, Santa Clara, Phantom, etc. They were sick. So I really doubt I'll make it, but I did really well, learned a lot, and had fun. I'm really proud of myself. That's the best I've ever been and easily the best I've ever performed. It was awesome.

When I got home, I waddled around--side note: I have never been so sore. It hurts to lift my head! No matter what I move, something hurts and I look like I've been beaten. It's terrible.

I worked on my color project from 7 until I got on here but I was distracted a LOT. All in all I probably spent about 5 hours on it. I'm so glad it's done.

Tomorrow I am busy as hell. Gah.

Luckily I'll got some down time from school and guard tomorrow at lunch with Joel and at 830 with Luke. I miss spending time with him! I need my Luke fix haha. I'm going to see if Tanner wants to come too. He's another one I miss seeing a lot.

As for Brandon. Not a lot to say. Didn't talk to me for days. Never answered me. Nada. So I told him he's not a friend to me and to talk to me when he's ready to be. And he's really not. I love him with all my heart, but he's not there for me at all. The next day he wished me luck for that weekend. And today he said he hope it went well. It's nice. I just wish he'd actually talk to me.

I tell him I love him every night. He hasn't returned it in almost a week, if not more. Days all mesh together now. That sure was a sucker punch. He's told me he'd love me forever, even if we didn't date. He also said if I wanted, he tell me he loved me every morning and every night. I want it. Until he doesn't mean it. Which may be the case. But if the first statement is true, it can't be.

Hm, I don't know. I don't get him. I still don't get why we're not together. My schedule is going to be way busier than his coming up and I was willing to stay together. Breaking up never crossed my mind. By the way he's acting now, I'd assume the reason we broke up was because he doesn't care about me anymore. Being busy was just an excuse. Reading through the whole situation, that's what it looks like.

Whether this would be considered fortunate of not, I can't bring myself to really believe that. I kind of wish I did so I can just move on, but can't. I'm going to call it unfortunate.

Tanner, Luke, Cody, Joel, they've told me they like me. And they're all great guys. The best part about them is they know I don't want to date and they still want to be my friend. They like me as a person and not just as a girl. Super thumbs up to me. But there's just no appeal to me to be with them as more than that. With anyone. I look at guys and see friends, not boys. I look at Brandon and I see my entire world. Which sucks because it's not what he wants.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I've got a long day ahead of me and two dates to make me feel better.

Over and out.

Boys boys boys!

1151pm

Nothing last night. Nothing all day.

I don't have words to describe how I feel anymore. It just sucks.

Some friend.

Speaking of, I made a ton today!!!!

Tim and Ben from art history, color, and drawing. Working with them and Erin on the color project tomorrow after history.

John from all above and finite math. Didn't talk to him until math but he's pretty awesome. Reminds me a lot of my brother.

Sam and Joel, Chad's roommates. Both totally great and I think I clicked better with them than I did Chad, haha!

Joel's been talking to me since I got home today. He's really cool. Hanging out with him tomorrow either after I work on color or after his class at two. Either way, looking forward to it!

Cody's been talking to me all day too. He's pretty sweet. It's a shame practice was cancelled today so I didn't get to see him. I'm a bit concerned about him liking me though...

pause

WHAT THE FUHK! DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T FUHKING MEAN IT!!!!

unpause.

Not happy.

hgggg

Hm. Back on topic.

Yeah. Cody's the type that would want a relationship. I am sooooo not up for that right now. I'm still working on the mess left over from my LAST FUHKING RELATIONSHIP!

Dammit!

And tonight was going so well.

Breanna darlin is having problems again. I just wish I could help her more. Luckily I'll be with her like all next week. I'll have to show my babycakes how much I love her :D

Hung with Luke and Tanner tonight(so many freaking boys!). I miss seeing them every day. And I won't see them at all this weekend :(

*sigh

I really want to make Pride. I need it. Desperately.

Meh. I'm done typing for tonight. Not much in the mood.

Night!

Rescue you

1149pm

Hm. Where to start.

Well today was nearly great. It was good, but almost great.

School was awesome! I loved my classes and the teachers in each. I have made or already had a friend in each too which makes it easier. Rappelling is going to rock so much! I can't wait!

I'm not sure what tomorrow's classes will be like though. I'll update you tomorrow ;)

It was cool, all the support I got. More unexpected then anything. I had three or four people tell me good luck yesterday, a couple more this morning and through the day, and then most of them ask about it afterwards.

There's one person who didn't say a thing about it until after I talked to him. That just kinda hurt. I thought he'd be more supportive or at least more interested in me.

And then he just stopped talking to me tonight. Again.

Breathe.

I noticed tonight that like all my friends are boys. All my close friends are right now. Luke, Tanner, and Cody. Brandon sometimes. If he feels like it. *sigh. Oh! And Breanna darlin.

Then there's also Chad, Aaron, and Erin on the next level down. So two girls. Then the friend I made in ROTC today, Brianna(haha, irony).

But yeah. Tonight I talked to Brandon(for a short bit), Luke, Cody, Tanner, and Chad.

And I'll see all of them tomorrow! Except Brandon.

Well damn. Then again why am I surprised?

Meh, unhappy.

Guard! Guard was very good today! We got half the second song work done in one day! Sometimes we don't get past two sets, so that just rocked. They just better remember that for tomorrow haha. We'll seeeeeeeeeeee.

AH! PRIDE! I'm so nervous. I really want to make it. I need some kind of accomplishment in my immediate future or I'm going to crash and burn.

I really just need self esteem I think.

At least I'm good at faking it.

God. I had to bring the mask back out.

Before this last...basically month, I hadn't had to fake everything like this since before Brandon and a bit into the start of our relationship.

I'd pretty much worn it all my life before that. Even when I was little. My 'friends' treated me like shit. I guess it became a habit to fake being happy. Ha, I know it fooled a lot of people growing up. Most people think I've had this great life and have nothing to complain about. Come to think of it, I don't think any one really knows about anything I went through. Brandon knows the most, but still not much.

Stupid mask. I hate wearing it. I hate faking how I feel. But you know, it's because my above mentioned childhood that I want people to see me as happy. Because I want to make other people happy more than anything else. When you're happy, it helps make others feel the same. When a crabby pissed off person comes in a room, other people start getting all pissy too. I just can't do that to people. Or I don't like to.

It's just that when I was with Brandon, I rarely was like that. He brought out the best in me, made me happy, and gave me something to look forward to. He was my inspiration.

WHY THE FUHK DOES EVERYTHING LEAD BACK TO HIM??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!

--fuhk is Breanna's word. I told her I'd use it. It's cute :) --

But still. Why? Just brings back a whole new wave of hurt to think about everything.

...hm, I thought of something I wanted to ask him earlier today. Now I can't remember. Well crap. Forget it.

This is going to annoy me dammit.

Wow, it's 1246. I sure get distracted easily. But hey, I got a bunch of new music and I got to talk to Tanner and Cody. Worth it.

I really hope tomorrow is better. There just feels like there's a big piece missing from my day.

Well duh. Didn't think that one through before typing.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight. I wish Brandon would want to see me.

Nighty night.

Play my music

1243pm

Soooo right now things are far too...not making any sense...for me to write anything on it.

I've been listening to a lot of music. Like all the time. Half hour drives to Grant and UC and fifteen minute ones to Bellevue help too. Anyway, I've noticed some songs better express how I fell than I can. And some just repeat it. So I took a bunch of them that fit so perfectly and made them the titles of most of the posts. Not all though. Like breakdown. That's not a song, just what happened. But most of the rest are songs.

I'm surprised how well they fit into my life and how I feel. Now not all of them are sad. Most are, but not all. But they're worth looking into. They help to listen to as well. Even the sad ones. It's like facing my problems without having to really do so.

Sooooo ya. That's all.

Here comes goodbye

1205am

Words cannot even begin to express the way I feel.

Pain has a whole new meaning to me.

What hurts the most

151am

My chest feels like it is going to explode.

I know what's coming. And I can't deal with it.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I was disappointed. He didn't talk to me when he saw me today. No hug, no nothing other than a hey after I'd been there a bit.

It hurts. He said we'd stay friends.

Tomorrow we're supposed to hang out. I'm not going to say anything to him about it, I'll wait until he does.

I just pray, and pray so hard, that he does not text me and say he can't. Or not mention it at all.

I don't know what to write. My mind is everywhere.

He's leaving me, I know it, and I can't handle it.

Leaving as in everything, gone.

I cannot do it.

If it happens...

I don't know if I'd be able to stay safe like he wants me to.

I can almost guarantee I won't.

He doesn't know. He doesn't understand what he does to me and how he affects me.

Then again, I'd go through this torment a thousand times over if it meant everything would go back to normal.

But I want to claw through my chest and tear out my heart right now.

I'm back to choking.

Easier to run

1131pm

I cried tonight.

He made me cry.

He didn't talk to me all day.

He had all night open and could have seen me if he wanted to.

When he finally did talk to me, it was only because he had a dream where I was hurt I guess and he wanted to know if I really was.

I wish.

He doesn't talk to me on his own. He needs a bad dream to motivate him. And once he got his answer, he was done with me.

I've felt nothing all day.

Now I'm paying for it. All the store up emotion is choking me. Literally, my throat and chest are thick and it's hard to breathe.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

I wish I was over him. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I didn't care about him at all.

I feel like I'm going to get sick.

He knows how I feel. Why does he never change anything? I've moved around and change everything in my life for him.

It just sucks because the only thing I can come up with is that he doesn't care.

Like on the phone when he bailed on me yesterday to sit at home. On the phone, he didn't care. He didn't sound upset in the least, nor did he try to reschedule.

He doesn't care.

Why can't I be like that.

Why do you do this so easily

1116am

So far, today's been really hard. And it's just begun.

Nothing's really happened, but I've been in a bad/sad mood, everything is bothering me, and I've been thinking all these terrible things.

I thought I was leaving this and getting happy again. What's going on?

No me gusta para nada.

I don't want to be sad or angry again. I don't know why I'm feeling this way either. It sucks.

I'm hoping guard or hanging out with Brandon will make it better.

God.

I hate this.

:(

733pm

Leaving the hospital today, I was thinking about what I was going to say.

A couple rooms down from Tanner, a 17 year old was dying. His family and friends were going in to say their goodbyes and we watched as the priest went in.

I've never been so close to death before.

It got me thinking about if someone I loved was dying. I don't know how I'd be able to say goodbye like those people were. I'd just die.

Tanner had a 40% chance of dying, and he lived. If he'd been in that 40%, I really don't know what I would have done.

I was going to go on more about this. Then I was going to do the following:

BRANDON, IF YOU'RE READING THIS-DON'T YOU DARE DIE! Or I'll kill you. In all seriousness. I'll find a way. Then I'll kill myself.

I was going to talk about all this and more and be all sad and sappy and value life.

BUT I AM PISSED!

So it's not worth it for us to hang out for a just little bit? I'd be fine with five minutes. And a little bit was probably like two hours. God, I'm so mad. I'm so hurt might be more accurate. How can he say I mean something to him if he just cancels on me all the time like it's nothing? He doesn't want to see me. I have to ask him. I have to do everything. He text me during practice and said it's because I didn't say anything to him. And apparently it's my fault for not texting him during practice or something. Or maybe leaving practice early to see him. What the hell?! He'd never even consider doing something like that.

I'm just so sick of him always canceling on me. He won't make plans with me, he won't talk to me half the time, he won't hug me in front of people.

I'm finished trying to be his friend. If he wants to be mine, he can put effort behind it. This is ridiculous. My expectations were next to nothing. We talked maybe once a day for a little bit. And we didn't even see each other once a week. I try to see him again, he cancels after saying he can. I try again, and he does the same thing. Now, their gone. All expectations gone. I'm done caring. I'm done putting so much effort toward nothing.

And guard sucked. And I've been so nervous and worried about Tanner all day. And I have sticky crap from the heart monitor all over me and it won't come off. And the spots they were on still hurt like they bruised or something.

Today was supposed to be so good.

Now I just want to hit someone.

Thank God for Luke. He'll take me out and get my mind off things.

AHHHHHHH! HATE LIFE!