The way I loved you

1230

Great day over all but not much I want to talk about concerning it. I'd rather talk about the negative.

So I've noticed I have this constant underlying feeling of...I don't know what it is. I guess depression would sum it up, but I still don't really think I could be depressed. But yeah. I can have an amazing day and be happy and enjoy myself now which is great! That bad part is that I always have these sad/scary/paranoid/painful thoughts in the back of my mind. And if I take a break from anything and just think, like while I'm walking or eating or whatever, they fly to the top. I have to constantly keep myself busy or talking with people to keep them suppressed. It's...overwhelming sometimes. Both working to keep them down and all the stuff I do to keep them down. And yes those are two different things.

Brandon.

*sigh.

Again today 2 or 3 times he just wouldn't answer me. I had to call to get him to talk. And on the phone...God it hurt. He said the greatest thing I could ever say to him was that I was getting him sweet tea and ramen. Ouch. It was like a punch to the stomach.

And then he went on to say how all these other people said they were so worried about him as if to make me jealous. Does he really think I need that right now? I started to tear up and I thought I was going to lose it and start crying while I was on the phone with him.

God, talking to him just sucked. There is no emotion or care like there used to be in his voice anymore. It just kills me.

I played with my razor cutting blades for art tonight. I think flirting with the danger of hurting myself was a way to help push away the emotional pain without having to actually do it on purpose. Though I probably wouldn't have cared either way.

I'm starting to like Joel. It really surprised me, but I really look forward to seeing him and I love being in his arms. Then again, I'm like that with Tanner too, but Tanner has some personality traits and drinking/smoking habits I'm not a fan of. Joel doesn't. That I know of anyway. He drinks, but, haha, not like Tanner. As of right now, I think I'd be quite alright with dating Joel in the... sometime future?

But there's a couple things holding me back. Cody, Luke, Tanner, and Brandon.

Cody-I told him I didn't want to date right now just the other day. I mean, I don't really, but I also don't want to date him either way. He's quiet and awkward and way too far away anyway. But I can't tell him I don't want to date and then go out with someone else.

Luke and Tanner-Again, they like me. But also, I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Luke more so than Tanner. I think Tanner's still not up for dating yet anyway but still. But both him and Luke for the same reasons, just much more Luke. I don't know. I feel like I owe him. That's a sucky thing to go off of, but he was there for me through everything. He held me when I cried, he took me out to make me feel better, he truly cares about me and he's been my best friend. But you know, those are qualities of a best friend. Especially the last one ;) Tanner too. So maybe I'm just looking at them the wrong way. But I would need them to meet the guy and judge him before I date whoever.

Brandon-God, help me please. I guess to make a long story short, I'm still hoping he'll come back to me. Because if I move on, it'll give him more incentive to move on. And for a while, that will just tear me apart. But if the girl truly makes him happy, I'll be okay with it I guess. Ehhhh, tearing again.

Though honestly, I don't know how willing I'd be to going out with him again. He needs to grow up a lot. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's true. He's very stuck in his own little world and he'll get nowhere with that mentality. Not with me or the rest of mankind.

backwards as it may seem, he acted more mature in the first half of our relationship. I think getting back in band and being around those people brought him down quite a bit. I love the band and everyone in it, but they seriously need to grow up. Especially the seniors. They don't seem to get that there's more to life than high school. Like Katie. She's lost all her friends outside of it, me, Aaron, etc. Everyone else is moving in that direction too. Thank God our class wasn't like that, or really any before us. Well, of course there were the select few, but there always is. Hm, I wonder what caused the shift with this grade. Probably because they're all so full of themselves. Wow, that sounded mean. It wasn't supposed to. It's just that they're all so talented, so they think they're the shit and that's all there is in life. I can't wait until they graduate and get kicked in the ass in college. Yeah, that sounded mean, but it was supposed to this time. Because it's the truth and they need it or they won't have any friends other than each other.

Brandon said the other night that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends.

If he keeps treating people the way he treats me, he won't have any besides me. Because I won't give up on him. But I guarantee the rest will. But...I couldn't.

--I keep dozing. I'll talk more about this tomorrow.

125pm

I'm not going to let you disappear.

143am

What an incredible weekend. I'll start with Friday.

Art history that morning at ten.

I'm so going to be late on days when I have rappelling in the morning. She said I had better get there in time when I asked her about it. Well crap.

Class was boring but Chad and Tim helped keep me busy drawing all over my note page. After that I went with Erin, Tim, and Ben to start the color project. Then I hung out in Joel's dorm room for an hour with his roommate How(He's chinese, I don't know how to spell it.) while he went to math. How is freaking awesome! Doesn't know a ton of english, but he's getting there. Chad came in after about a half hour and joined in. Joel and Sam came in at the end of the hour. We goofed off for a while, played Call of Duty(or tried in my case), then everyone had to go so it was just me and Joel.

He's great. We talked and acted silly and teased each other and flirted. We kissed too. He's really bad. Maybe I should fix that! hahaha. But yeah. He knows I don't want a boyfriend and we've talked plenty since so it's not like it's awkward. It's really no big deal haha.

That night I left in a huge freaking hurry(thanks to Joel not letting me leave, the butthead) and sped an hour north for Pride. We did dance and flag. Flag was great but dance seemed so hard! Luckily it got easier as the weekend went on. That night we went from 7pm to 11pm.

Saturday, we did dance again, then rifle, then sabre. Dance just reviewed from the night before. Rifle went really well. I caught on to the work quickly and technique wasn't bad. Sabre was another story. It took me forever to catch on to the work! I felt so behind.

We did runs of all the work we'd learned so far the past two days that night. Kind of like a midterm. I did great on dance. If I remember correctly, rifle was good too. Sabre blew. But the four people I did it with screwed up too. All the other groups were much better on it. We didn't do flag. That day was 8am to 10pm, basically non-stop. Rough.

Sunday we did it all. It was pretty much all review all day but also sabre technique. That was going really well until we got to 6's and 7's on blade. I can't do them. 7 on hilt, sure. Blade? Not a freaking chance. I struggled to get to 5's. Embarrassing. But the rest was good.

That evening we had our 'finals.' Basically they called us up in groups of 5 or 6 on whatever piece of equipment/flag/dance and we did a run of the work twice.

Flag-pretty good. I think I turned too much on both runs at the end. Hey, at least I'm consistant haha.

Rifle-very good. Neither of the 6's were very solid, but I performed well and hardcore and hit all the work very very well.

Sabre-first one was rough. Not my worst, but I'd done better. Second was the second best I'd done. I've never gotten through it flawlessly like the other equipment, but I only missed the grab right before the 6 so I used 2 hands instead of 1.

Dance-beautiful. I love that dance. It's just great. And I love performing it! It's a mix of being sad and hurt like your heart got ripped out. Let's just say I was one of the more realistic performers. I almost started crying one of the times haha.

Sunday we worked 8am-5pm.

So to wrap up Pride, I did great for a high school graduate. But I was trying out against people who'd marched in the Blue Devils, Cavies, Santa Clara, Phantom, etc. They were sick. So I really doubt I'll make it, but I did really well, learned a lot, and had fun. I'm really proud of myself. That's the best I've ever been and easily the best I've ever performed. It was awesome.

When I got home, I waddled around--side note: I have never been so sore. It hurts to lift my head! No matter what I move, something hurts and I look like I've been beaten. It's terrible.

I worked on my color project from 7 until I got on here but I was distracted a LOT. All in all I probably spent about 5 hours on it. I'm so glad it's done.

Tomorrow I am busy as hell. Gah.

Luckily I'll got some down time from school and guard tomorrow at lunch with Joel and at 830 with Luke. I miss spending time with him! I need my Luke fix haha. I'm going to see if Tanner wants to come too. He's another one I miss seeing a lot.

As for Brandon. Not a lot to say. Didn't talk to me for days. Never answered me. Nada. So I told him he's not a friend to me and to talk to me when he's ready to be. And he's really not. I love him with all my heart, but he's not there for me at all. The next day he wished me luck for that weekend. And today he said he hope it went well. It's nice. I just wish he'd actually talk to me.

I tell him I love him every night. He hasn't returned it in almost a week, if not more. Days all mesh together now. That sure was a sucker punch. He's told me he'd love me forever, even if we didn't date. He also said if I wanted, he tell me he loved me every morning and every night. I want it. Until he doesn't mean it. Which may be the case. But if the first statement is true, it can't be.

Hm, I don't know. I don't get him. I still don't get why we're not together. My schedule is going to be way busier than his coming up and I was willing to stay together. Breaking up never crossed my mind. By the way he's acting now, I'd assume the reason we broke up was because he doesn't care about me anymore. Being busy was just an excuse. Reading through the whole situation, that's what it looks like.

Whether this would be considered fortunate of not, I can't bring myself to really believe that. I kind of wish I did so I can just move on, but can't. I'm going to call it unfortunate.

Tanner, Luke, Cody, Joel, they've told me they like me. And they're all great guys. The best part about them is they know I don't want to date and they still want to be my friend. They like me as a person and not just as a girl. Super thumbs up to me. But there's just no appeal to me to be with them as more than that. With anyone. I look at guys and see friends, not boys. I look at Brandon and I see my entire world. Which sucks because it's not what he wants.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I've got a long day ahead of me and two dates to make me feel better.

Over and out.

Boys boys boys!

1151pm

Nothing last night. Nothing all day.

I don't have words to describe how I feel anymore. It just sucks.

Some friend.

Speaking of, I made a ton today!!!!

Tim and Ben from art history, color, and drawing. Working with them and Erin on the color project tomorrow after history.

John from all above and finite math. Didn't talk to him until math but he's pretty awesome. Reminds me a lot of my brother.

Sam and Joel, Chad's roommates. Both totally great and I think I clicked better with them than I did Chad, haha!

Joel's been talking to me since I got home today. He's really cool. Hanging out with him tomorrow either after I work on color or after his class at two. Either way, looking forward to it!

Cody's been talking to me all day too. He's pretty sweet. It's a shame practice was cancelled today so I didn't get to see him. I'm a bit concerned about him liking me though...

pause

WHAT THE FUHK! DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T FUHKING MEAN IT!!!!

unpause.

Not happy.

hgggg

Hm. Back on topic.

Yeah. Cody's the type that would want a relationship. I am sooooo not up for that right now. I'm still working on the mess left over from my LAST FUHKING RELATIONSHIP!

Dammit!

And tonight was going so well.

Breanna darlin is having problems again. I just wish I could help her more. Luckily I'll be with her like all next week. I'll have to show my babycakes how much I love her :D

Hung with Luke and Tanner tonight(so many freaking boys!). I miss seeing them every day. And I won't see them at all this weekend :(

*sigh

I really want to make Pride. I need it. Desperately.

Meh. I'm done typing for tonight. Not much in the mood.

Night!

Rescue you

1149pm

Hm. Where to start.

Well today was nearly great. It was good, but almost great.

School was awesome! I loved my classes and the teachers in each. I have made or already had a friend in each too which makes it easier. Rappelling is going to rock so much! I can't wait!

I'm not sure what tomorrow's classes will be like though. I'll update you tomorrow ;)

It was cool, all the support I got. More unexpected then anything. I had three or four people tell me good luck yesterday, a couple more this morning and through the day, and then most of them ask about it afterwards.

There's one person who didn't say a thing about it until after I talked to him. That just kinda hurt. I thought he'd be more supportive or at least more interested in me.

And then he just stopped talking to me tonight. Again.

Breathe.

I noticed tonight that like all my friends are boys. All my close friends are right now. Luke, Tanner, and Cody. Brandon sometimes. If he feels like it. *sigh. Oh! And Breanna darlin.

Then there's also Chad, Aaron, and Erin on the next level down. So two girls. Then the friend I made in ROTC today, Brianna(haha, irony).

But yeah. Tonight I talked to Brandon(for a short bit), Luke, Cody, Tanner, and Chad.

And I'll see all of them tomorrow! Except Brandon.

Well damn. Then again why am I surprised?

Meh, unhappy.

Guard! Guard was very good today! We got half the second song work done in one day! Sometimes we don't get past two sets, so that just rocked. They just better remember that for tomorrow haha. We'll seeeeeeeeeeee.

AH! PRIDE! I'm so nervous. I really want to make it. I need some kind of accomplishment in my immediate future or I'm going to crash and burn.

I really just need self esteem I think.

At least I'm good at faking it.

God. I had to bring the mask back out.

Before this last...basically month, I hadn't had to fake everything like this since before Brandon and a bit into the start of our relationship.

I'd pretty much worn it all my life before that. Even when I was little. My 'friends' treated me like shit. I guess it became a habit to fake being happy. Ha, I know it fooled a lot of people growing up. Most people think I've had this great life and have nothing to complain about. Come to think of it, I don't think any one really knows about anything I went through. Brandon knows the most, but still not much.

Stupid mask. I hate wearing it. I hate faking how I feel. But you know, it's because my above mentioned childhood that I want people to see me as happy. Because I want to make other people happy more than anything else. When you're happy, it helps make others feel the same. When a crabby pissed off person comes in a room, other people start getting all pissy too. I just can't do that to people. Or I don't like to.

It's just that when I was with Brandon, I rarely was like that. He brought out the best in me, made me happy, and gave me something to look forward to. He was my inspiration.

WHY THE FUHK DOES EVERYTHING LEAD BACK TO HIM??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!

--fuhk is Breanna's word. I told her I'd use it. It's cute :) --

But still. Why? Just brings back a whole new wave of hurt to think about everything.

...hm, I thought of something I wanted to ask him earlier today. Now I can't remember. Well crap. Forget it.

This is going to annoy me dammit.

Wow, it's 1246. I sure get distracted easily. But hey, I got a bunch of new music and I got to talk to Tanner and Cody. Worth it.

I really hope tomorrow is better. There just feels like there's a big piece missing from my day.

Well duh. Didn't think that one through before typing.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight. I wish Brandon would want to see me.

Nighty night.

Play my music

1243pm

Soooo right now things are far too...not making any sense...for me to write anything on it.

I've been listening to a lot of music. Like all the time. Half hour drives to Grant and UC and fifteen minute ones to Bellevue help too. Anyway, I've noticed some songs better express how I fell than I can. And some just repeat it. So I took a bunch of them that fit so perfectly and made them the titles of most of the posts. Not all though. Like breakdown. That's not a song, just what happened. But most of the rest are songs.

I'm surprised how well they fit into my life and how I feel. Now not all of them are sad. Most are, but not all. But they're worth looking into. They help to listen to as well. Even the sad ones. It's like facing my problems without having to really do so.

Sooooo ya. That's all.

Here comes goodbye

1205am

Words cannot even begin to express the way I feel.

Pain has a whole new meaning to me.

What hurts the most

151am

My chest feels like it is going to explode.

I know what's coming. And I can't deal with it.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I was disappointed. He didn't talk to me when he saw me today. No hug, no nothing other than a hey after I'd been there a bit.

It hurts. He said we'd stay friends.

Tomorrow we're supposed to hang out. I'm not going to say anything to him about it, I'll wait until he does.

I just pray, and pray so hard, that he does not text me and say he can't. Or not mention it at all.

I don't know what to write. My mind is everywhere.

He's leaving me, I know it, and I can't handle it.

Leaving as in everything, gone.

I cannot do it.

If it happens...

I don't know if I'd be able to stay safe like he wants me to.

I can almost guarantee I won't.

He doesn't know. He doesn't understand what he does to me and how he affects me.

Then again, I'd go through this torment a thousand times over if it meant everything would go back to normal.

But I want to claw through my chest and tear out my heart right now.

I'm back to choking.

Easier to run

1131pm

I cried tonight.

He made me cry.

He didn't talk to me all day.

He had all night open and could have seen me if he wanted to.

When he finally did talk to me, it was only because he had a dream where I was hurt I guess and he wanted to know if I really was.

I wish.

He doesn't talk to me on his own. He needs a bad dream to motivate him. And once he got his answer, he was done with me.

I've felt nothing all day.

Now I'm paying for it. All the store up emotion is choking me. Literally, my throat and chest are thick and it's hard to breathe.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

I wish I was over him. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I didn't care about him at all.

I feel like I'm going to get sick.

He knows how I feel. Why does he never change anything? I've moved around and change everything in my life for him.

It just sucks because the only thing I can come up with is that he doesn't care.

Like on the phone when he bailed on me yesterday to sit at home. On the phone, he didn't care. He didn't sound upset in the least, nor did he try to reschedule.

He doesn't care.

Why can't I be like that.

Why do you do this so easily

1116am

So far, today's been really hard. And it's just begun.

Nothing's really happened, but I've been in a bad/sad mood, everything is bothering me, and I've been thinking all these terrible things.

I thought I was leaving this and getting happy again. What's going on?

No me gusta para nada.

I don't want to be sad or angry again. I don't know why I'm feeling this way either. It sucks.

I'm hoping guard or hanging out with Brandon will make it better.

God.

I hate this.

:(

733pm

Leaving the hospital today, I was thinking about what I was going to say.

A couple rooms down from Tanner, a 17 year old was dying. His family and friends were going in to say their goodbyes and we watched as the priest went in.

I've never been so close to death before.

It got me thinking about if someone I loved was dying. I don't know how I'd be able to say goodbye like those people were. I'd just die.

Tanner had a 40% chance of dying, and he lived. If he'd been in that 40%, I really don't know what I would have done.

I was going to go on more about this. Then I was going to do the following:

BRANDON, IF YOU'RE READING THIS-DON'T YOU DARE DIE! Or I'll kill you. In all seriousness. I'll find a way. Then I'll kill myself.

I was going to talk about all this and more and be all sad and sappy and value life.

BUT I AM PISSED!

So it's not worth it for us to hang out for a just little bit? I'd be fine with five minutes. And a little bit was probably like two hours. God, I'm so mad. I'm so hurt might be more accurate. How can he say I mean something to him if he just cancels on me all the time like it's nothing? He doesn't want to see me. I have to ask him. I have to do everything. He text me during practice and said it's because I didn't say anything to him. And apparently it's my fault for not texting him during practice or something. Or maybe leaving practice early to see him. What the hell?! He'd never even consider doing something like that.

I'm just so sick of him always canceling on me. He won't make plans with me, he won't talk to me half the time, he won't hug me in front of people.

I'm finished trying to be his friend. If he wants to be mine, he can put effort behind it. This is ridiculous. My expectations were next to nothing. We talked maybe once a day for a little bit. And we didn't even see each other once a week. I try to see him again, he cancels after saying he can. I try again, and he does the same thing. Now, their gone. All expectations gone. I'm done caring. I'm done putting so much effort toward nothing.

And guard sucked. And I've been so nervous and worried about Tanner all day. And I have sticky crap from the heart monitor all over me and it won't come off. And the spots they were on still hurt like they bruised or something.

Today was supposed to be so good.

Now I just want to hit someone.

Thank God for Luke. He'll take me out and get my mind off things.

AHHHHHHH! HATE LIFE!

You make me smile like the sun

218

Tonight was wonderful.

I hung out with Luke all night and I got to talk to Brandon.

And he really cared. A lot. :)

It made me so happy to see that. More than he knows.

I'm not going to write every night anymore.

I don't need to.

I will periodically, every other night maybe, but I don't have enough to say anymore.

I've pretty much said everything and things have gotten a bit better for now.

So if I have something to say, I'll stop by.

So yeah.

:]

That is all.

When you look me in the eyes

406am

Told you I'd get my answer ;)

My plan was, if he made an excuse why we couldn't hang out like he has for the last month, I was going to just show up at his house and sit there until he talked.

It really did surprise me, his response. Right away he said we can be in the basement and to come over now.

It made me very happy.

I am really glad we got to talk and hang out. It cleared up a lot of things.

And yes, I was wrong about some things. But that's what's going to happen when all I have is my thoughts to assume. They always just to the worst things. It's one reason why I try to talk to him about serious stuff right away. I don't like what my mind comes up with. Sometimes its right, which sucks, but it's usually wrong. I like to be proven wrong in those cases.

I feel better about everything now. Like 63% better. Very big improvement.

But I'm still not changing anything I said before. I'm still going to live my life. We're not dating. Until he feels he's ready, that's how things are going to me.

I just really really really hope he keeps his word this time, unlike the talking to me once a day thing, and will see me once a week.

Hanging out with him, just talking to him, made me so happy. Everything else went away and it was like things were back to the way before. The world was brighter. I don't know how to explain it.

I just miss being happy. It was nice.

And we kissed and such. I miss that. It reminds me he cares and does want to be with me. Even though he can't be right now.

I don't think it's weird or him taking advantage of me. Unless he doesn't actually want to be with me again one day. Then he is taking advantage of me.

But I don't think it's bad. We love each other and do want to be together. We're not dating other people(though that hasn't stopped us in the past...). And we both want it. I see no problem there.

So, things are better for now. There's still this dark cloud over everything, but it doesn't quite envelope everything like it used to. It more like casts a shadow.

Eh, it does a little more than that, but I can't think of a good comparison.

It's late, give me a break.

I do need to get to sleep. I'm getting up early to chill with Tanner. He's helping me feel better about the heart monitor and I'm going to try to help keep his mind off the brain surgery. Less than a week now. It scares me. He could not wake up from it. He's really strong. I'd be a mess right now if I were in his shoes. It's terrifying.

He's helped me so much, it's crazy. I can't thank him enough for all he's done. I'm really afraid of losing him. He and Luke are two of the greatest people I've ever met. And two of the best friends. Without them through all this, I'm sure I would have done physical damage to myself if not worse. They're just wonderful. They make me feel wanted and special and important and cared about. Ha, I think I've spent every day of the last two weeks with them. That's crazy.

Luke and I are going to visit Tanner all the time too in the hospital. God knows he'll need the support.

Meh, tangent. I need to go to bed.

433am

I made good time for how much I wrote. I'm getting better at this.

Cause you won't quit screaming my name

503

I left the competition. I'll be back by eight but I couldn't stand to stay.

"I don't know?" I DON'T KNOW?!?!?

What the fuck?!?!

He knows. He wouldn't be doing this if he didn't know. He just doesn't want to tell me.

He says he doesn't want to hang out as friends because it won't help he get over him.

So he wants me to get over him.

So I tell him I have(which is a total lie and he knows it from reading any of this, but if it means him staying my friend, I'll pretend) and he stops talking to me all together!

And then today, he comes up and hugs me and tells me I look nice like nothing's changed.

And THEN he doesn't talk to me in the cafeteria.

And THENN! when I talk to him, he says he doesn't know what he wants and makes an excuse to leave.

We'll always have problems because he'll never stay and talk about them. It always(99% of the time anyway) gets better after we talk about it.

I'm lost.

At least he talked to me today.

It's like the second I look appealing to him, it's okay to talk to me.

I doubt I can cry anymore. Not for a long time. I haven't cried in days. I'm all dried up from the past week and a half of straight crying everyday for most of the day.

Brandon could come up to me, tell me he only dated me because of how I look, tell me he never wants to see or speak to me again, and I'd probably say okay and leave.

My insides are torn apart.

Ha, maybe he actually broke my heart. Like literally.

The really bad blackout spells started the monday after the night at Crestview.

Hopefully the blood tests and heart monitor will tell them what's going on.

I'm scared.

This could be anything from not having enough sugar-not likely at all- to my brain not communicating with my heart. Which could potentially kill me.

Lovely.

I'm really terrified.

I just want the test results and to wear the heart monitor already. I want to know what's going on in me.

And I want someone to be there for me about it.

Scratch that, Luke and Tanner are there for me. And I'll tell Chad about it tomorrow if we can find time to hang out.

What I want is for Brandon to be there for me.

Fat chance, right?

But I want it so badly.

And back to the first topic-

I'm going to try to ignore how I feel on that subject. I'll have my answer tomorrow anyway.

Forever and always

Song update:

Once upon a time

I believe it was a Tuesday

when I caught your eye
We caught onto something,

I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye

and told me you loved me

Were you just kidding

cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down

we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore,

baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect

now you’re half way out the door

And I stare at the phone

he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low

you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said

forever and always

Ohh ohhh

And it rains in your bedroom

everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here

and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said

forever and always

Was I out of line

did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide

like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes;

thought I knew you for a minute
now I’m not so sure

So here’s to everything

coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence

that cuts me to the core
Where is this going,

thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore

And I stare at the phone

he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low

you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said

forever and always

Ohh ohhh

And it rains in your bedroom

everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here

and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said

forever and always

You didn’t mean it baby,

I don’t think so
Ohhh ohhhh

Oh back up, baby back up,

did you forget everything
back up, baby back up,

did you forget everything

Cause it rains in your bedroom

everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here

and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said

forever and always

ohhh

I stare at the phone

he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low

you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when we said

forever and always

And it rains in your bedroom

everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here

and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said

forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby,

you said forever and always

140am

I don't think there's anything I haven't said in the past.

Not talking to me again, breaking promises, hurting me, not wanting me. What's new.

Thank God for my friends.

Tanner drove to my house to give me a hug and just to talk to me for a tiny bit.

Something Brandon's never done.

*sigh

Oh well. Brandon wants me to get over him. I'll do what he wants. I always do.

Tomorrow's going to suck seeing him. And now that he's turned the band against me by acting like the victim, I won't have friends outside of Grant County until Aaron, Luke, and Tanner come to finals.

Awesome. Can't wait.

And I was so looking forward to this day before.

Damn, no more Gabriel or Kaida or nice house with high ceilings, recording studio, or mma fighting arena. No more going to a nice restaurant and dancing in the aisle. No more going to the Blue Wisp to watch him, or going any time soon like we'd talked about. No more falling asleep together and waking up in each other's arms. No more future together.

I hadn't thought about that. Everything we'd talked about and planned out, gone.

Crap. No wonder all I can see of the future is black.

I just want him to be my friend.

He's changed so much.

When we started dating, he really didn't have other friends. Everyone got on his nerves and all that.

He couldn't stand his grade or school.

Now it's like being the center of attention is what he lives for and he's all for "class spirit." What the hell?

Whatever. As long as he's happy.

If me getting over him and him not talking to me makes him happy, then I'll do what he wants.

I will not talk to him and I'll date around. No commitment, but dates, sure.

I'm not falling in love again. I'm not going through the pain again. One person is way more than enough for me.

I couldn't handle more.

201am. If I fall asleep this second, I'll get four hours of sleep.

So I'll probably get one or two tops. Woo.

Candle (sick and tired)

143

Well, I've gone from being consistently in pain and hurt to always being angry or sad.

Gosh. I don't know what's wrong. It makes me mad! (haha)

...pisses me off in all seriousness...

These are my two least favorite emotions of all because I take it out on everyone else. And I hate that.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

633

I'm tired of being sad/hurt/angry/whatever all the time. I've been given great opportunities and options from some great guys. Maybe it's best I try to move on.

I'll always love Brandon and if he asked for me back, there's a good chance I'd say yes. If he showed he cared more. Unfortunately, chances of that are slim.

Brandon doesn't want to be with me. And he's changed a lot. He doesn't seem to try to be my friend even.

I don't know.

I just can't sit around and wait for him to realize he cares about me again. It's not going to happen.

He's not willing to make a commitment to me, not meaning spend all him time with me, but commitment as in a promise that I'm the only one he's with. He isn't willing to.

So why am I?

Chad asked me to have lunch with him the first day of school. I said yes. He's not my boyfriend, don't get me wrong.

I'm not going to sit around all day and let every chance at doing something pass me by.

I don't think I'm going to commit to anyone for a long time, I don't want to go through this again. Maybe if Brandon proves to me he wants me, but what are the chances of that? Even then, I don't know anymore. He's changed so much. He doesn't care about me anymore.

But I don't have a boyfriend. So if a great guys asks me on a date, there's a good chance I'll say yes. Like yesterday morning. Tanner and watched a movie and it was great! It was a ton of fun. And Luke and I hung out together alone last night. We do that a lot.

I'm not interested in any of them as more than a friend, but, obviously as the past couple weeks have shown, I can't predict the future.

I don't know.

I'm just not going to let a chance at happiness pass me by anymore. I want so badly to be happy.

I'm moving on with my life and living. I will be happy.

Could have died today. Three different times throughout the day I was either almost run off the road, into a wall, or into another car. People could not drive today.

But hours before any of this, this morning, when I was just angry, God, what a day, I wanted to crash my car into something, oh, the irony.

(Run-on sentence...)

I'll add more on this post tonight...

215am

Brandon wants me to move on.

Fine.

You've got it. I'm moving on.

I snuck out of the house for the first time tonight.

Like really snuck out-parents thought I was asleep, I left without them noticing and talked, went driving, and ate cereal with Tanner and Luke, then snuck back just a bit ago.

It's not all that exciting, but I wasn't all that in the mood I guess.

Since Brandon said that, I'm back to feeling nothing.

I haven't cried, I haven't cared about anything, I haven't felt emotion: happy or mad or sad or anything. I've just been...blah. Blank.

Tanner asked me if I was falling asleep a couple times tonight because I'd stare at nothing or say little.

But nothing is on my mind. I don't think about anything.

They did help keep my mind occupied and I did smile quite a bit. They're just so funny and goof off all the time. It's just what I need.

I do feel one thing actually. My heart-it's throbbing.

But everything else is blank.

The memory I want to forget

1233

I'm not going on about my day tonight.

But there are two things that throughout the day, I wanted to be sure to put on here. I'm not explaining them because I don't care anymore. But I made a point to remember them so I'm just putting them down.

1. I can honestly say you've been on my mind

Since I woke up today, up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mind

I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

But I remember those simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye

I woke up this morning and played are song
And throwing my tears, I sang along
I picked up the phone and then put it down
'Cause I know I'm wasting my time
And I don't mind

I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

But I remember the simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget

Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up
With your ringtone
I hesitate but answer it anyway
You sound so alone
And I'm surprised to hear you say

You remember when we kissed
You still feel it on your lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

You remember the simple things
We talked 'til we cried
You said that your biggest regret
The one thing you wish I'd forget
Is saying goodbye, saying goodbye
Ooh, goodbye

-applies more to yesterday or any other day. The first half anyway. Today, the Brandon card was played shitty.

2. I treat others and do unto others how I want to be treated. Unfortunately, when it matters most, I get crap in return.

Today has been such a fucking rollercoaster, I think I'm going to snap.

I have nothing worth saving to type about today.

Happy, sad, okay, hurt, okay, worried, pissed.

My day.

Fuck it.

Fuck life.

I'm done.

AH!

Wow lol.

I

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I mean

Oh my goodness.

And I can't even talk about it on here.

Just...

wow.

Haha

I'm so confused now.

I was happy today.

I can't stop smiling.

I don't know what to say!

AH! :)

No giving up

310am

I started a new one instead of adding on to the last because I think I'll have a lot to say.

I just don't know where to start.

I'm going with the train of thought method. So it may not make a lot of sense.

I cried today.

The 8th, yesterday, was our 10 month. He said nothing.

Why wouldn't he talk to me earlier?

And after I said goodnight and I love you, he. said. nothing.

I didn't notice the message he did end up sending me after twelve until around three. Right before I started this. That's what made me cry.

The message, not the time.

Although the timing may have had an effect.

I talked to both Tanner and Luke individually a lot tonight. Each about a half hour or so. Tanner, when he and I went to get cookie dough. Oh, and again a couple minutes ago because he was concerned about me being upset. He could tell through text. FTW. Luke, when he went to drop me off tonight we sat in my driveway for a long time.

Originally when I was thinking about what to type tonight around 230, I was going to talk about how I should try to move on. How I should be with someone who treats me better and wants to be with me. Deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to really move on, but I was feeling brave. I was feeling self confident.

Hanging out with these two, I've felt better about myself. They've both been through it, Luke in a less extreme case and Tanner in a much, much more extreme case. I'm their happy medium :D

Anyway, they've talked to me about their experiences and how they've dealt with it and still are. They've also just been good friends. And such gentlemen.

They both open the car door for me. It was funny, Luke's always done it, but the first time he did it in front of Tanner, he was like, woah! You do that too! It was funny. Here I hang out with and have dated all these guys and not one of them is like that. And now the only two people who hang out with me both do. Oh, the irony.

But it's...refreshing, knowing there are such polite guys out there.

They saran wrapped me. That was just funny. Spinning me around until it was like five layers thick. Then carrying me around the house. Oh it was fun. Not something I'll soon forget. I mean, how many people can say they've been saran wrapped??

I'm going to get no sleep tonight. I'm getting up at nine to hang out with Tanner. I might be able to sleep from twelve until two but I have guard 230 to 530. Then I'm going to meet them at the gym and go swimming. That'll be fun. I haven't swam since...well shit. Brandon's.

Back to what I was saying forever ago. I felt strong earlier. Like I can find someone else who will be there for me and I'd be okay.

THEN I NOTICED THAT STUPID MESSAGE!

It shattered me. Like literally. It just pounded through my thin wall of strength and debris flew everywhere.

I was in the bathroom about to wash my face. I read it and started crying. I actually grabbed my head, squeezed my eyes together and started jumping up and down.

Okay, the message wasn't stupid. Messages like that are what I live for. Well, mostly. The I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry--I'm getting choked up--is what I live for now. Because they mean so much to me and I want to hear them so, so badly. I've never wanted anything more. Lie. I want him more. But I know I can't have him.

That wall I built up, it was paper thin and probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. I honestly didn't truly believe it either.

Sometimes I wish I did though. It would make my life so much easier if I could just move on.

But I don't want to move on. I want to be with Brandon.

I want to be with Brandon.

He has the most amazing smile. I never really told him that. But, God! I just love it when he smiles. I was looking at Olivia's pictures this morning. There's one with all the seniors where he's smiling. I don't know how long I stared at it and smiled myself. It always made me so happy to see him smile. And to make him smile! So, so, so, so happy.

I really need him to hold me.

I sound so pathetic. You just don't know how I feel. You're a journal for Christ's sake.

Tanner does. Like nothing I've ever heard of. His advice and all that is so freaking good. I don't even know how to explain it. He knows EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's just unreal. I mean, people say, I know what you mean, but there's always that bit of them really not being able to relate just right. Something's always different about there situation. It's close, but not quite there.

That's not this case at all.

One thing he talked about was high school. When someone becomes a senior in high school, they want freedom. They want to goof off and have no responsibilities. It's senior year! It's their last year before the real world sets in and they just want to have fun. And most of the time, they want to do it by themselves.

Tanner and I were different than most seniors. Tanner had to grow up early. His dad died when he was seven and he had to take over those responsibilities. I'm just different. I'm not nostalgic, I'm more logical and down to earth than most people, and I just wanted to get out of Beechwood. I was sick of all the cliques and rumors and cattiness. I wanted to start over new. New people, new identities, new me.

So neither of us were terribly interested in all the hype: the freedom, the parties, the senioritus. We were just living each day as it was and we both wanted to share each and every one of those days with the person we cared about the most.

Unfortunately for us, Robin and Brandon didn't feel the same way their senior year this year.

Tanner and Robin aren't friends. Tanner loves her and would do anything for her, but she has done some things that I couldn't even imagine doing to someone I absolutely hated. And yet, Tanner would take a train for her. Now, if she begged at his feet for him to take her back, he'd cry as he said no.

I don't want this to happen to us, to Brandon and me. Oh my God, I'd just die.

Which is what Tanner tried to do so many times. In the past month he's been revived five times. For one of those, he was pronounced dead for two minutes.

I can't imagine trying to kill myself, but just a week ago I couldn't imagine Brandon and me being apart. Now look at us.

I'd take a train for him without a second thought.

I love him and I miss him so much.

It's so hard right now, he doesn't understand.

432

Only hope

121pm

Tanner asked me this morning if I had any good dreams.

You know, I'd really not thought about it.

Then again I try not to think these days.

But the answer was no.

--Big shocker there, right?

I wake up in the mornings and try to forget my dreams. Every dream I remember is bad. A couple are actually scary. And ninety percent of them include Brandon, most of which also include him leaving me.

--Again, go figure.

Last night I woke up I-don't-even-know-how-many times, and every time I was afraid to go back to sleep because I didn't want to have another dream where he leaves me. I don't remember most of them because again, I try to forget. The gist of them is easy to remember, but details are out the window. And how often do we remember our dreams anyway after some time? But I do remember thinking that every time.

I remember the last one though.

He was some famous person.(Which can relate to today. Everyone seems to be talking about him and how terrible I am. Or from my friends, how much I don't need him.) And I was, gosh it's getting harder to remember now, a bodyguard or a guide or something.(In the real world can relate to me trying to keep him or be with him maybe.) It was me and two other girls. In the dream, they were my friends but I don't remember if I actually knew them I real life. There's a gap I can't remember now that comes next, dammit. Where it picks back up, we were in Italy or Greece or somewhere around there in a small limo-type car. Brandon was sitting next to me and I was... doing something to make him feel better maybe? Again, I'm losing the dream. But he ended up putting his arm around me. The other girls didn't know it, but we were...not necessarily dating. I think we were only friends. But I could be wrong.(Either way that relates to real life in a couple ways.) But they were mad and when we all got out of the car, they walked ahead. We took our time together and Brandon had his arm around my waist. We were looking at all the sites. It was a lot of marble and ancient Greek/Roman style designs. That's why I think we were around there.(Relates to wishes the two of us have had to go there together I guess.) But we were walking along and we got to this spot where we could either swim across or walk around. This was a big touristy area and it was about split what people would do. But we were being silly and having fun so we decided to swim. We jumped in together and while we swam, I can't remember if he still held my waist or if he held my hand. I can picture both. Or maybe he did both. I was so happy in the dream and I didn't want it to end. Around here, some noise or something started to wake me up but I tuned it out and went right back. We finished swimming across and got out of the water. I saw my grandma and turned away from him for a second just to wave and turned right back and he was gone. I wasn't too worried, I figured he just walked ahead. I looked around once more than ran up the stairs to the street and didn't see him anywhere. I started to get really scared. I grabbed my grandma and now my sister was there too and asked them to help me find him. I was frantic. I didn't know what to do. I went back to the water and looked there again, I ran and looked around in some balconies looking over the water, went back the the street and looked there. He was gone.(Relate that how you will. I can think of a few ways to do it that I'd rather not type. I'm trying not to cry today without inflicting pain on myself.) I looked until I couldn't take it anymore and I woke up.

But this seems to be how all my dreams are now. Something bad happens and I force myself awake. I've gotten pretty good at it since it's been happening multiple times a night. I can control when I want to stay asleep and when I want to wake up, for the most part anyway.

I do remember one good thing though. I don't know if I dreamed it, it was part of a dream, or I imagined it between dreams. But I "woke up"(again, I could have dreamed waking up because this didn't really happen.) and checked my phone. I had a message from Brandon saying 'I miss you too. So much.' responding to my journal at 3 or whatever last night. It made me so happy and gave me so much hope! But I woke up this morning after the above dream and searched for it like I searched for him in the dream. I never got a message from him. An update saying he texts in school, but I got no text. I was crushed. I am crushed. I had lost him in the dream, and not having that message after I'd imagined it, it made the dream come to life. I had lost him. And he's gone.

I know that's not something he can help. He didn't know about my dreams or imagination or whatever. And I guess I'm not someone he wants to text in school. It's not his fault.

But to me, it was heart crushing.

I need to realize it was just a dream. All my terrible dreams are just dreams. It's just hard. Because he really did leave me in reality. This makes the dreams seem that much more real. It's like he loves me and leaves me over and over again every night. I go through the pain again and again.

I just wish I didn't sleep. Or better yet, I didn't dream.

I'll be back to add more here tonight. Don't forget to check it out.

I miss you.

This is your life

MORE ADDED:

512pm

I've done nothing today. I guess I really took the idea of Labor Day and resting to heart.

Brandon and I were supposed to do something. But he couldn't.

From twelve until late tonight he was helping Alicia pack and dropping her off at college.

I kind of figured that would only take around five hours rather than like nine. An hour for packing and four hours to drive down, say goodbye and whatever, and drive back. Seems like way more than enough. But I guess he had something better to do those other four or so hours that I don't know about.

Oh well. What can I do right? It's his choice. I've got to support his decision. I don't have any other choice.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I almost did a bunch of times, but putting my attention on my physical pain turned it away.

My back still hurts today. Not quite as bad, but in the same way. I really don't know what I did to it and I don't know how to help it.

It has helped me not cry today too though.

I've noticed that different things upset me differently on different days. Just pointing it out. I don't have much to say about it.

My parents think I'm depressed. They think I'm showing the same signs of my brother.

I don't smile anymore. I didn't realize that. I used to always be smiling. I didn't notice that I don't. It was such a habit.

I rarely eat anything. If anyone knows me they know that's not right. I had to force down a sandwich this morning. And at dinner, I just felt sick. I took maybe two bites and asked if I could wrap it up and eat it later. Which I won't.

I stay in my room all day or lie on the couch. My whole family is downstairs right now playing on the wii like we used to all together. I'm sitting on my bed on the computer. I have lost interest in doing anything else.

I'm turning people away. Well, I'm turning away the only person interested in seeing me. Instead of walking with Luke, I went to school and ran and all that that I mentioned in the past. He also asked me to go to the fireworks with him and Melanie. I couldn't bring myself to go. But as far as my parents know, I'm turning all my old friends away. They don't know that those people don't want to hang out with me anymore.

The only person that I'm not turning away...I don't want to get into that. I'd rather not cry again.

I space out. Not like I've done in the past, but all the time. I don't like thinking because it ends up making me sad or angry. So I stare at nothing and listen to those around me. I don't really take in what they say, but it's one way to pass the time. And I sure have a lot of that.

I avoid talking. My response to everything is nothing or okay. I tell my parents I don't want to talk about it or I'm fine. That's about it. Simple one word answers is all I can give.

I'm not happy. But that's the definition of depression, right?

These are all things(or mostly things) my bother started doing when he went through his depression.

I find it hard to believe that I'm actually going through a depression. It's just not me. I'm a happy person. I smile all the time, help others whenever I can, I am laid back and keep my emotions in control. I don't show when anything is wrong and I normally just shrug things off. I am energetic and love to try new things and have fun.

I can't imagine someone like that being depressed. It doesn't fit.

But my parents think I am.

I think I'm just sad. But I've never really seen anyone depressed. My brother and I didn't see much of each other back then because we were both so busy and there was a seven year age gap. And with Brandon, he mostly hid it from me. If it got bad, he wouldn't hang out with me or we'd just sleep. So I don't really know.

Oh well. I think I will try to go out tonight. I don't really want to, but I don't want to worry my parents too much and I don't want to blow Luke off yet again. I'd feel bad. Or worse. Whatever.

Hm, well I'll be back tonight. I have a feeling I'll have something to talk about.

126am

I am glad I went out. Both Luke and Tanner have been in my situation so it's good to hang out with them and see they've made it through or are getting better.

We didn't really talk about the situation, but they helped keep my mind off of it.

Tanner, his "case" is the worst. He's tried to kill himself quite a few times and had to be revived a couple of those instances. He still struggles now and again with everything. He said Robin and he are not friends. That she's mean to him now.

If I was in that situation, I probably would do the same thing. I can't even imagine that.

But I'm glad I have them. It helps a lot.

Actually, overall I had a great night. Well, compared to how things have been lately.

If everything was normal, or how I want it to be anyway, tonight would have just seemed good, not quite as great because I'd be used to having good nights.

Tonight the boys kept my mind off everything. And I talked to Aaron for a while. He's not too happy with Brandon, haha. It made me feel better.

And I talked to Brandon for a bit which brightened my night so much more than he'll know. When I'm talking to him, things feel like they did before, like everything will be alright and I have something to live for.

But once we stop, reality settles in and all light dies away again.

So yeah. By my current standards, tonight was great. I smiled. More than once. And it wasn't fake. That's big.

And I didn't cry again today. I got close earlier in the first half of the day, but my back was still hurting...

It doesn't hurt anymore though. So I'll probably go back to crying tomorrow. I'll keep it posted.

There was more happy in there then you'll likely see all week, if you're even reading this Brandon. Enjoy it now!

I'm not sure what I think about him reading all these. Sometimes I hold back. I'm also afraid they'll scare him away. People can't read minds for a reason haha. And I'm afraid it will hurt him or confuse him. I do often think one way and say or act another. Because I don't like showing my vulnerability. He's really the only person to have ever seen it.

I guess if he does read this, I want these things to be more of something he keeps in the back of his mind and how I act/what I say or what he wants in the front of it. Because normally, most of this stuff he would never know. You know?

Meh. Well I can't control what he thinks, that's for sure.

I could always change the website so he couldn't see it. But something's holding me back.

I think deep down I want him to read these. A lot of this are things I want to say to him, but I'm scared to because I know confrontation scares him. This way, he can read it if he wants. If not, well, he can choose not to.

But still. Some of this I don't always know if I want him to read. But I just feel like I can be so honest here. I don't know. I'm such an open book to him now. There's no more mystery. Which sometimes is something you need to keep a relationship going. To keep someone interested. Crap. He's going to lose interest. And yet another bad decision by me.

Maybe I shouldn't assume just yet. If things start to...fade, I'll change the site.

Good solution.

Happy ten months, my angel. I love you so much.

Now I'm sad again. I'm getting off.

218am