The Best is Yet to Come

1128pm

Okay, so a lot has happened this week. I've had two all nighters, I've gotten over Brandon, I drank to the point where I had trouble standing, and I completely fell head over heels for David Bohman.

So most of these intertwine in some way, so I'll try to explain it in a day-by-day way.

Monday night I stayed in the studio until like four in the morning drawing with David, Matt, and Sam. Around two we went to Skyline.

Tuesday night Ryan had his concert at CCM. My God it was amazing! And Ryan freaking rocked it out on his solo! I didn't know he had that in him. He was like a large black woman, haha! Afterwards, Ryan, Erin, Alex, David, Rob and I went to Skyline-so technically it was the second time that day for David and me. I went home after that. It was real cute because David sent me a message apologizing for not walking me to my car like a gentleman. Then around 2am he and Alex called me and asked me to drive back to school and pick them up to take them to Skyline. Again. Hell no boys, hell no.

Wednesday was the first all nighter. David and I went to the studios after digital class and started drawing. Shortly after, Tim joined us. Then the kegger in DAAP started and the building was flooded with drunk upperclassman. There were at least 40 people crammed into one of the tiny studios. Very funny. It only lasted about two hours though because they ran out of beer. Matt and Sam came to DAAP soon after, expecting beer. Ha. It had already cleared out. They were far too late. So they left to get the beer from Sam's car left over from Gatlinburg and came back. Those two and David drank that. Even funnier stuff.

I drew all night and half of the pictures sucked but they were due the following morning.

Thursday. Around 630 I finished. Matt had left around 5 so Tim, Sam, David and I went to Center Court to eat breakfast. Luckily I set an alarm because all four of us fell asleep on the benches for a good half hour. At 830, Sam headed back to the dorms and the other three of us went back to DAAP. Tim and I had drawing class at 9 and David had art history at 11. He took a nap on a bench until then.

I got nothing done in drawing. I basically slept the entire time. We drew for a bit, then Franz showed us a slide show on some art program he's doing for two hours, then we drew until 12. I drifted in and out of sleep the whole time.

Tim, Sarah and I went to the DAAP cafe to wait for David to get out, then I left with him and Tim and Sarah met up with Laura to eat. David and I skipped lunch and instead went back to his room to sleep. I slept on the spare mattress under his bed in the cave. We got about an hour of sleep before we both had class at 2, him english and me ballet.

Ballet was not going to happen. I told her I was too dizzy, which I might as well have been, and sat out. I stayed awake pretty well through that.

After, I somehow watched a movie with Sam and Joel in their room and Sam drove me home. I was in no state to drive. He had been able to sleep throughout the day. He waited while I showered and such then we drove back to school to have Bdubs with Chad, Jessica, Andrew, Matt, and David.

Then Sam, Matt, David and I watched Donny Darko in David's room. For a bit, I sat between David and Sam on David's mid loft bed. My legs were across Sam and my head was on David's shoulder. I figured that'd make Sam and me happy... And David if he liked me too. Matt was on the other side of David. We left partway through to eat at CC with Alex and Tiny. The four of us who had been up like all night all had our heads down most of the time.

We returned to to the room to finish the movie and Tiny and Alex left to work on something for English. It got awkward when we got back. David laid down in the cave and Sam laid down on top on David's loft. --And Matt sat in a chair which didn't really matter.-- I didn't know where to go. I wanted to go to the bottom but Sam clearly wanted me to join him. So I sat in the chair across from Matt next to the window.

Lucky for me, David decided he'd keep tapping and poking me with one of his juggling clubs to 'try to annoy me.' :) So that gave me an excuse to join him to hit him back, lightly of course. We ended up stopping soon after to watch the movie again. We were lying next to one another with our arms overlapped. I think we both drifted in and out of sleep a tiny bit. Some time after I went to join David, Sam decided to leave the loft and sit where I had been. Then he sat on the floor. Then he moved under on the mattress where our feet were. Ugh. Getting waaaay too attached.

The movie ended and all four of us started up with the clubs again. Then Sam decided he wanted to lay between David and me during this. I got out from the cave and sat on the floor next to it. Sam ended up grabbing me around the waist and pulling me on top of him. I rolled over halfway and ended on my back lying half on Sam and half on David. We stayed like that a long time. Still goofing around with the clubs mostly.

David was so freaking cute. When he'd 'hit' me or anything, it'd be slow and soft. It was really sweet in the mess of everyone smacking each other.

I got up to leave around 130am. Matt decided he'd go to his room then too. Sam jumped up too and offered to walk me to my car. David then said he didn't have anything to do so he'd walk me too. :)

Anyway, that's about it. They walked me and I drove them back. Sam of course got shot gun. But David reached up to the front and hugged me before he got out of the car and wished me a good night.

Friday. Now that was some kind of day. I accidently slept through art history which sucked. I am so tired of missing classes. It pissed me off.

Damn! I cannot for the life of me remember what I did that day while I was home! Oh well. I guess I ----OH! I went to Pee Wee's with my parents! That was actually fun.

Then I went up to school. I met Sam, David, Matt, and Matt's girlfriend Erin and we went to David's room to chill until the Lumberjack/Snow bunny party at Sig Chi. Erin and I had bunny ears and tail but we ended up taking those off shortly after arriving at the fraternity. There were a ton of girls in some combination of snow hats, scarves and rabbit apparel, but it was kind of a hassle.

I originally wasn't going to drink; I had to be at Ryle high school by 7 the next morning. But I was thirsty and kept taking sips of people's drinks. It was everclear and koolaide so it tasted very little like alcohol but was absolutely loaded with it. After some time I was taking like half of people's drinks. I probably had four ish glasses total.

I don't think I was wasted. I was in control of what I did and said, I was just...wobbly and more open with people. I cared less about what people thought. The room swayed a little bit which made it fun. And I smiled and laughed at like everything. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The dancing was so much fun like that. I danced with David and Sam mostly and Erin and Matt danced next to us. David was hilarious. He probably had the same amount of me and was shmammered.

Chad, Joel, and Jess came near the end and Chad kept insisting I was wasted. It pissed me off really. I was better with them than I was the rest of the night. If I hadn't said I was drinking he'd probably of had no idea. Jess didn't think I was bad. Joel and Chad just find it so fucking hilarious to tease me.

It ended almost right after they got there-around 1-because someone started smoking pot in the house which is a big no no. So we walked down the block to Jessica's house. Somewhere in there Steph and Patrick met up with us too. When we got there, everyone sat down all over the room and talked and such. I sat on the couch and David and Sam sat on either side of me. David had his arm around my waist and Sam had his on my shoulders. Sam was fine; I had drank most of his drinks... but David was still a bit bad.

Sam got up for whatever reason and went out the door outside. Some people went after him. I ended up snuggling up to David because I was chilly. And I wanted to :) We talked to each other and Steph and Patrick mostly. David snuggled into me to and would every once in a while stroke my arm or hand lightly a couple times.

They got Sam back and we left soon after. I walked next to David because he was stumbling a bit still and almost bumped into everything, haha. I was pretty much fine so he put his arm over my shoulders and I helped him walk straight. We got back around 3 maybe to the dorms. It was a long walk- probably half a mile. I was staying in one of David and Alex's three spare beds that night. David now had moved to the other side of the room and I stayed on the one extra on that side.

But when we got back, David, Sam, Kate (who had joined us) and I looked for a place to watch Treasure Planet for a long time. Alex and Tiny were trying to sleep in the room so we were kicked out. We tried Sam's room, but Chad and Joel wanted to sleep. We tried Kate's room but her roommates wanted to sleep. There were already people watching a movie in the 7th floor lounge so we went back to the 2nd floor one. Kate decided she'd sleep so it was just Sam, David, and I. Which was actually okay with me. Kate apparently likes David, along with Chad and Joey from Sigma Chi, so it was good not to have her as 'competition.' I only had to deal with Sam.

I sat between them and stayed pretty even, sitting up straight. I was super tired so I don't really remember everything that happened, but Sam got mad when he sent me a text asking if he should back off because of David and I didn't answer. No I was not going to answer! He was sitting right next to me! But Sam said he was going to bed and left, but shortly after came back and lied down on the other couch in the lounge. So David put his head on my shoulder and I put my head on his.

Sam ended up coming over, lying on the couch, and put his head on my crotch. Not my lap, but my crotch. I pissed. I kept moving to signal him to MOVE but he didn't get it. Luckily the movie ended so a moved like I was getting up and he got off. When he saw I wasn't moving, he leaned his whole body on me. It hurt. He kept hitting my stomach too like it was funny. I ended up shouting that hurts after he wouldn't stop and I shoved him off. I did it in a way that it wasn't mean, just serious.

We left to go to bed soon after. David and I went up to the 7th floor to his room. He gave me a hug before bed and said goodnight. Then after we were lying down, he said "sweet dreams, Ali." :)

So I'm finished here.

With this journal.

I'm starting a new one.

For my newest life :]

Gatlinburg

1243am

Mehhhhhhhhhhajflasd lfasdjcasdcasndvaofdn v!

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

I don't want to deal with this!

I can't deal with this!

NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!sdjo gisjeifogj sofdjf

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!

I am waaaaay too stressed out. And Hell Week pt. 1 starts this week. Joy.

This weekend overall was so great! Why? Does this ALWAYS! Happen! to me?!?

This weekend:

Sam picked me up at 7 and we drove down. We stopped once to eat at Wendy's and once for gas.

We talked the entire way. There was no music on or anything the entire four or so hours we were in the car.

We talked about life: past and present mostly. We spilled anything and everything. He, in a much more general sense, knows almost as much as Brandon about me.

It was a great car ride but also very painful. We talked a lot about Erin and Brandon. For him, it was mostly about how he is not interested in dating her at all. That he's ready to move on completely but he'd like to get to be friends with her at least, seeing as how he's friends with most of her friends.

As for me, I tried not to bring down the mood too much. My stories and answers to his questions were much less optimistic.

We decided this weekend would be Brandon and Erin free in the end.

But we talked about happy things too. Like what we want from life, stories about when we were little, random facts, etc.

We arrived at 1130 or 12, said hi to people there, played pool and classic arcade games, and then pretty much went straight to the hot tub. The other guys and girls in our cabin had already been drinking and they were none of the guys I knew and Sam wasn't all that close with. Turns out the housing assignments (between the 9 cabins) were random. Boo.

The hot tub was fun. So warm! It made me happy. I'm so sick of being cold all the time.

It was nice though. It was so easy to just be his friend and be happy with everything. We chatted and goofed off and looked at the stars. It's so clear down there, it's amazing.

At 145 we went off to bed. We wanted to get an early start Saturday so we didn't stay up with everyone else.

Sam snuggled with me. I really enjoyed it. It's been a while since someone's held me like that. It was so innocent and sweet until he turned my head and kissed me.

I had no idea what to do at first; I didn't move. I couldn't. I had sworn all of it off: kissing boys, wanting boys, boys. I didn't want any of it, not until my heart problems were over. Or if... the impossible were to happen.

But he knew this. All of this. What was he doing? Then it dawned on me: he likes me. He actually likes me and wants to be with me. It made too much sense, so much so that I had overlooked it all. He asked me to come down there with him, would open the car door for me, paid for EVERYTHING, talked about being so over Erin, pointing out the stars to me, the way he held me... Too much sense.

But what was I going to do? I hadn't even considered him this way. But isn't it what I wanted? An actually great guy to like me so maybe I could move on? Wasn't that what I had been hoping for over these last six months? (Shit that's a long time) It was everything I had wanted. Everything that I had wanted that actually had a chance of coming true.

So after that short moment of immobility, I kissed him back.

We pretty much stopped after that but he held me until we fell asleep.

It was easier to sleep, being with someone.

We picked up Chad and Allison Saturday morning and headed into the heart of Gatlinburg.

We ate breakfast (at 1230) at Pancake Pantry, supposedly the best of the 247 million pancake houses in Gatlinburg. The line was out the door and down the sidewalk some. But it was indeed amazing.

We stopped in a bunch of stores after that. One thing you'll quickly notice about Gatlinburg is that every other store sells one of the following: airbrushed T-shirts, purses, airsoft guns and swords, or old time photos. Oh. My. Gosh. There were so many.

We also went to Ripley's Believe It or Not museum and ate dinner at the Hard Rock down there.

It was a really great day. Allison is super cool, Chad was in a really good mood, and Sam was as sweet as could be. He'd rest his hand on my back or hold my hand for a short time every once in a while. He was very subtle and discrete about it. My guess is because of Chad. I wasn't sure how he would react to it either so it was good he didn't notice.

But it seemed less like a "oh we have to hide it thing" and more like "slightly more than friends" kind of thing. Not awkward, not dangerous, not forced, not weird. It was nice.

150am

Sunday, March 7

1105pm

Up at school in the studios. I'll continue now.

Saturday night was interesting. Sam and I joined Allison and Chad in the hot tub at their cabin for a bit then we went to one of the party cabins. I drank a cup and a half of jungle juice. I wasn't bad at all. It was a nice dizzy and not as bad as it sometimes is on a day to day business.

Throughout the night the cabin got PACKED! Every single person ended up in it. So much for four party cabins. People were stupid, haha. They were pouring beer off the balcony into other cups and other people's mouths. It mostly ended up on the carpet.

They definitely lost their 2000 dollar security deposit.

There was also a paddling of the newer members and their bigs. Twas funny.

After we left Sam and I got in the hot tub at our cabin then went to bed around 3. Then people decided to come to our cabin to party. We locked our door to keep them out. It was annoying as hell until like 7. People are stupid drunk.

Sam tried to do some things that night but I asked him to stop and pushed him off. Things still weren't weird but I wasn't a big fan.

The next morning we left to go home. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel which was yummy. This car ride was a lot quieter because we didn't talk about Erin or Brandon. We did decided though to not let anything happen between us. But he said he liked me very much and hoped something would end up happening. I wasn't to keen on the idea but I just let it pass over. Sam's really not my kind of guy.

Anyway, sorry for that week long cliff hanger. I'm done on that subject.

Maybe

219am

So I'm going to Sigma Chi's Winter Formal with Chad and Sam.

Now how's this for a formal: Friday we're going to Gatlinburg. That night we're basically just going to party in any of the four chalets that we're staying the night in and we can go into town or in one of the hot tubs or whatever we'd like. Saturday we're free to do whatever all day but that night we're all meeting back at one of the cabins to party as a group. We're to be dressed as "the morning after." Yeah. You read right. We will then proceed to the other three cabins in turn throughout the night. The four of them will be themed Mexico, Italy, America, or Germany. And then we come home Sunday.

Quite the formal if you ask me, haha.

The morning after though? Really? Frat boys...

I don't have any idea what I'd wear. I guess I'd need a boy's shirt of some sorts. And soffes? And white socks. Okay, other than the shirt, I've got this. Could go typical and get a collared shirt. But I think I'd like just a solid white shirt. I love a boy who can pull that off. Or solid black. But that wouldn't work as well.

I may have to ask Brandon. I know he'd have a white shirt and it wouldn't be either huge on me or my size like it would be if I asked any of my other friends. Joey's would probably be a good size too, but it'd be a lot more awkward to explain to him than it would Brandon.

Goodness.

Well. I am suddenly tired and I can't remember what else I was going to talk about. Sorry I wasted your time.

245

The Way Down

325am

Wow. That one hurt. A lot more than I thought it would.

Adrian tonight was trying to figure out who would be up for him to talk to since he doesn't sleep either. I suggested a few people, one of which was Brandon. Adrian went on to tell me they don't really talk anymore. He said he thinks it's because he used to like Paulina, who Brandon likes now.

It felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Hearing him say it out loud... I mean yeah, that's where I had put my money, but in the back of my mind, I believed it wasn't true. I had suggested to Brandon to date her if he liked her, and they weren't dating. But actually hearing the words that he liked her coming from one of his friends...I lost all will to hope for anything else in that instant. It wiped away all doubt.

It should not have hurt me as much as it did. But maybe now he can be happy with her. That is what I want more than anything in the world, for him to be happy. And if that's what it takes...

I passed out yesterday. I hadn't done that since the tilt table test.

It was only completely our for a couple seconds, but falling into it and coming out of it took a long time. I was at the model critique for my designer and we were waiting to go on next. Suddenly I started to feel a little sick. I was already dizzy and my heart was already going a bit fast because a car stopped on the highway in front of me on the way to school just before. I had to slam on the breaks and I was sure I was going to hit the person. But all was well.

But I started feeling crappy and suddenly my vision started to go. So I asked Jenn if I could use her seat. I guess I was really pale or something because she immediately asked if I needed any water or food. I told her I was fine but then it got really bad. I started losing control of my senses and I asked for that water. She brought some food I couldn't see any more and I think a can of pop. I was in so much pain now. She and the other model working with me asked me questions and tried to help but I couldn't hear them and I could barely whisper. I couldn't see, hear, feel, or move at this point.

There was nothing for a couple seconds and then things started to come back slowly. I was able to somehow reach for the water with my shaking hands and not spill it on me. Jenn was fanning me off now. After a bit longer I got my senses back mostly. I was still shaking and couldn't really stand, there was a very loud ringing in my ears, and a light would flash in the top left corner of my vision if I tried to focus on one thing for more than a second.

It was our turn now and they got me a stool to sit on and kept the water by me. I tried to stand but almost fell over. The teacher critiquing the outfits just about freaked out and quickly got me a chair with a back. They asked if I'd eaten anything. Ouch. I'm not that skinny. I'm definitely not the typical model. I explained the quick version of my heart problem and they understood. I felt so bad though and kept apologizing to Jenn. I did manage to stand a couple times when they were talking about my look with help from the stool. I held on to that took deep breaths, focusing on what they were saying.

I felt so dumb and was so embarrassed. The room was full of fashion models, students, and teachers. I was ghostly pale and because of that flashing light, I had to continually move my gaze around the room. I looked at the floor a lot so it would be less noticeable.

I was much better by the time the critique was over. I was still dizzy and a little shaky, but overall okay. I apologized to Jenn a hundred more times. She was so sweet about it. She did everything she could to make sure I was alright.

I was afraid to drive right after that and my head was pounding now from the light and the ringing. I called Sam and headed to sit with him and Joel in their room. Sam gave me a head massage which actually really helped a lot for a bit.

When I drove home two hours later, I still hadn't fully recovered so I wanted to be on the phone with someone. Of course the timing was bad and EVERYONE was eating dinner and couldn't talk or answer. Finally halfway home Breanna called me back. Thank goodness. It got my mind off my head and I didn't have to worry.

I'm not exactly sure why it happened though. Sam and I talked and I also thought about it and came up with a couple reasons:

That incident on the highway. My adrenaline was already a little up. Though I don't see why it would have taken the twenty-ish minutes to affect me.

The only thing I had eaten was a piece of cake. But I had only been awake an hour and a half maybe. It would be the same as having a donut for breakfast.

Lack of sleep. Pretty self exclamatory.

Brandon telling me he could be suicidal. And that he'd never tell. That hurt me big time.

My knees could have been locked from standing. Lack of blood flow and all that.

Al options, could all be true. Who's to say?

I need to move on from Brandon. Now. He doesn't want me. I've been saying it forever and I know it. I need to quit putting myself through this pain. He likes Paulina and he's clearly shown me he's not interested in me. He knows how I feel. If he actually liked me he would have done something by now. It would just be so much easier if he'd come out and say he doesn't want me so I would no longer question anything. I'd have no ounce of hope and no reason to hold on to him. And it'd make him happier I'm sure. And that is what I want.

407

This is Your Life

1255am

Hm. :)

Joseph still thinks about me. I mean, not a huge accomplishment there, but it is nice to know. At 1133, he sent me a message, "Leven thirty three."

Back when we dated--that is so freaking weird to think about--that was our time. We'd talk on the phone almost every night and it always seemed to be at that time, totally not on purpose. We noticed it after a while and decided to just dub it as our time.

That's one thing I liked about our relationship, that we'd talk on the phone most nights. You can get a lot more covered in a much shorter time, hearing his voice made me feel as if I was with him, and words would not be read the wrong way. Clayton was boring to talk on the phone with. Brandon didn't like to. So I wouldn't ask him to unless it was really important.

Anyway, after we broke up, we were still really good friends for a long time. Every other day or so for a while he would send that to me and sporadically I would to him as well. But he and I have not talked in months. And before that it had been months. Nothing really in particular happened, we just grew apart.

So it really made me smile and put me in a good mood. We still didn't talk tonight, I only responded with a smile, but that's about what's expected.

Our relationship is nothing more than a reflection. We're not dating, we're not friends, per say, and we're hardly even acquaintances now. We're a memory to one another, and that is all.

It feels like a whole other life, back when I dated Joseph. It was a hard life, haha. My friends didn't like him so I started to lose a lot of them, or at least the closeness I had with them. I'd spend much of my time with him.

It was... complicated, our relationship. Most people can't understand why I dated him. He treated me like crap most of the time. He'd walk all over me, had a superiority complex, point out all my flaws and rub them in my face, wouldn't let me talk, and cheated on me.

But he was hard to say no to. When he wasn't the shitty guy listed above, he was really wonderful. He'd give me his full attention, tell me I'm the most wonderful thing in the world, do anything for me, and make me feel like I was something special.

The problem was, he was rather bipolar between the two when we dated. When we didn't date, he'd only be the second and was always able to rope me back in. Hence why we dated three times, two of those being after he cheated on me.

In any case, he helped me grow a lot. I became much braver and more confident (the opposite really that you'd think would come of it).

Then I dated Clayton and stepped into my next life. This one was getting back on track where I had left off before Joseph. He was one of my friends from the start so I was able to build those friendships back up since I saw them more. He's a great guy and really, his faults are few. But we did have quite a few problems.

First of all, he's pretty immature and naiveté.

Second, he'd make me do things I didn't want to or wasn't ready for sexually. Not sex of course, but he'd pressure me into doing other things. It seemed to be all we'd do when we were alone and I really did not like that at all.

Lastly, he believed a lie about me cheating on him. This is why we broke up the first time. This is also why I dated Joseph the third time.

You see, Joseph and I were still good friends. We'd still hang out and we'd still say we loved each other. But this is like me telling Joey I love him. It's not. like. that. Frankly, everyone told everyone they loved everyone back then. Before I'd leave the band room or whatever I'd say it to every person I was with. But apparently, a guy and girl can't hang out in high school without being more than friends. Which is seriously fucked up. But whatever, the past is the past and thank God I'm in college.

Then one day Clayton sees Joseph and me driving back from lunch during band and freaks. Turns out he didn't see Hat in the backseat. He calls me that night and says we're done without any reason. I told him okay and hung up. I was fed up with him not believing me and really didn't care. Unfortunately for me, Sam and Taylor (who practically ran our group of friends at the time) were the one who started the rumors about me and easily turned everyone away from me.

So Joseph was left as one of my only close friends. He was there for me and obviously knew I hadn't cheated on Clayton. We ended up dating for like a month or two before I realized that was the only reason I was dating him and we split up.

The irony is, I went on Spring Break with Justin, Sam, Kate, and Clayton at the end of those two months. And there, I cheated on Joseph and Clayton cheated on his girlfriend Alex together. Want to make it more ironic? I didn't want to; Clayton smooth talked me into it. Well hold up, I still liked Clayton, so I wanted to in that aspect, but I was heavily opposed to cheating, so I didn't want to.

Anyway, we each broke up with our significant other after that and secretly dated for almost two months before actually dating.

Now Clayton and Joseph overlapped a bit (going Joseph, Joseph, Clayton, Clayton, Joseph, Clayton), but the relationship was the same as before with each. As in Joseph was still bipolar and Clayton still pressured me. I am far too forgiving and give people too many chances. I should know people never change. But I have. So maybe I should stick with boys never change.

So yeah. This is the first time I've ever admitted any of that. So enjoy.

My next life was the single life. That was a fun one. I was friends with everyone, including Joseph and Clayton. I had no problem at all with being single and I loved life. I was confident, outgoing, every aspect of my life was perfect and I thought things couldn't get better.

Then November 8th came by. With a single touch, one boy instantly catapulted me into my next life, just like that.

I was thrown into the most incredible life. Everything that I though was so amazing before didn't matter anymore. It was infinitesimal compared to what I had. I was even willing to give up almost all my friends for this boy, and I did so without a second thought. Katie was pretty much all I had left. Brandon was my best friend and the love of my life and Katie was my best friend aside from him. But even once I started losing her because she liked Brandon, I was okay because I still had him.

I hadn't a care in the world. Nothing else mattered except the next time I'd see or speak to him. I smiled literally all the time, so much so, people would ask what's wrong if I stopped for a minute. But nothing was ever really wrong. I was always smiling and happy. :) If we fought, I'd have completely forgiven him or be apologizing within the hour. I'd tell him everything and he was always on my mind. I would worry about him and his depression, when he'd have trouble at auditions, or he fought with his family. I'd spend every second with him that I could, even if it meant only ten minutes or me getting into trouble. I didn't care. He was my life.

And I remember so clearly the moment went my life shattered and came crashing down.

"Say it to my face," he demanded, trying to call my bluff. Or maybe trying to make himself realize it was actually happening, I don't know.

But I didn't want be near him. I didn't want anything to do with him. He'd rather maintain his pride and cover the lie than try and keep us together. He didn't care about me, he didn't care about me at all. That's what was running through my mind.

I whirled myself around to face him and screamed "go away!"

The second I turned away from him tears practically bust from my eyes and I couldn't breathe. It took everything in my power not to fall to the ground right then and there. I instantly regretted everything I had said and I no longer cared that he lied to me. I turned back around to tell him I didn't mean it but he was already walking away. He wasn't going to try to stop me. He really didn't care, I thought.

Somehow I got my feet to move and I started walking home from Crestview, absolutely sobbing the whole way. This was the first time in years I had cried like this at all, let alone in public. I was mortified at myself for being so weak but I couldn't stop it.

Then I saw his car and saw him pull over. I was overjoyed! Not that I would show it, I'm a bit too proud sometimes too.

He told me to get in the car. Without an apology, I was not about to do that. I asked him again if he lied to me. He said no. It was like someone smashing my heart with a hammer. I walked around his car and kept going.

He stopped a couple more times and every time it was just another blow to my chest and I could feel myself dying more and more with every step. Night had fallen now so I collapsed in the shadows of some trees on the side of the highway until I could calm myself down and work up the energy to move.

Then soon after that he saw me and he actually got out of his car. My heart started beating back to life when I saw that he actually might be trying. He held me and I cried into his chest. He asked if I would get in the car and I asked him again if he lied. After a pause, he said no.

I pushed him away and started sobbing again. I'm not sure what I was thinking at this point. Probably the same as before. He didn't care, he just didn't want to cause a scene. Or maybe he felt guilty making me walk. Or maybe that he only 'cared' out of habit. I don't know.

I crossed the street after that and sat at the tiny veteran's memorial for a little bit. Really it probably wasn't more than ten minutes but it felt like forever. I sat and thought about my choices. I had decided that him being too stubborn to admit anything wasn't worth me losing him. And I decided if he stopped me again, I'd go with him. Then I got up, and walked.

He never stopped me again.

As it turns out, I passed him when he was parked at the bank on the corner. Funny thing is--okay, it's not funny at all, but... interesting rather I guess--I'm pretty sure I saw his car there. But I was thinking I saw his car everywhere because I wanted every white car to be his. But he didn't get out of the car so I must have figured it wasn't him. By that point my eyes were blurred anyway. I was more walking blindly than anything, stopping every couple minutes or so to collapse on the ground and try to breathe.

I had called both Luke and Aaron to see if they could pick me up--they were my only real good friends at this point-- but neither could. I honestly didn't believe I'd make it.

I sat at the apartments behind my house for about an hour, staring at my phone and praying Brandon would call me. Praying.

I finally went inside after a long time and ran straight upstairs. I didn't want my family seeing me like that. But my parents could tell in my voice and how I went straight up that something was seriously wrong. They came up one at a time and tried to talk to me but I kept my face shoved in my pillow. I wasn't going to let them see me cry.

My family, let alone anybody, didn't see me smile a real smile again for months. Actually, tonight was probably the first hardy laugh my family has heard since that day. All because my sister walked straight into a wall. It was hysterical.

My family, even though they know little about the real me, the see it more than anyone. At home, I don't put on a show; I don't wear any mask. I mostly just lock myself in my room and stay away from everyone so I don't have to pretend.

This new life, my life now, it sucks. My health, my dad's health, my parents' relationship, my mom's credibility, money, the amount of work I have, I finally have great friends but most live too far away to see regularly, I can't be in guard because of school (no one realizes how much that one hurts me), I have no confidence, no self worth, and I don't really care about hardly anything. So bottom line, every single aspect of my life bites. Hard.

If I didn't have Breanna caring about me all the time, I'd probably lose it.

And there's the fact that I don't have Brandon. The old Brandon, the one I dated for 8 months before the next two months we dated and the five that followed fucked everything up. But that man isn't coming back. And this new Brandon, the one who acts like he sometimes wants to be my friend, I can't expect him to be anything. It wouldn't be fair to him or to me.

I'm getting better at this life though. I can deal with it now. It's definitely changed me a lot and taught me more than I could have imagined. All these adjustments and evolutions, they're more than what I can express on paper. Or... screen, I guess.

Now I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to launch me into my next life. Whether it be a cure for my heart problems, somehow coming into money, a great job I get through co-ops, or even a boy stealing my heart away, I'm here, waiting for you to come along to save me.

Please, come soon.

316am