Goodnight Moon

149am

Another awful day.

Woke up at 930 for a class at 10. It's a half hour drive. I somehow managed to dress and get there in time. I was dizzy all throughout class because of yesterday's emotional whatever and this morning's stress(that's what provokes my heart issues: emotion. Which explains my 'anxiety attacks' early on). Then after class Chad kept making me feel like a bad person because I haven't seen a doctor and I'm not getting the surgery for two months. After it really got to me, I broke and told him we couldn't afford it. He told me he didn't care and that I need to go. What the hell does he expect me to do?! I left immediately and tears ran from my eyes as I walked to my car. Awesome. I mean, I'm glad he cares so much, but there's a limit. I was dizzy on the drive home because of that. I got dizzy and had to grab on to the wall so I wouldn't fall a few hours later once I was back at school with Aaron and Erin. Most likely caused by that morning. Then there was the Brandon problem a couple hours after that. Right after I stopped talking to him, it happened again in the bleachers. I had nothing to hold onto and it was worse. Thank God Sam was there to catch me and hold me steady until I came to. At least Chad had left and wasn't there to harass me about seeing a doctor.

There were good parts to the day, but they are so extremely outweighed by the bad, it doesn't even matter.

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

I found this the other day. Pretty much summed up my past month for the most part. But things change. I especially should know this.

I never admitted this. To myself, yes, but not out loud or even on here. But the biggest thing I think I was still fighting for in Brandon was adoration, the way he loved me. He can be replaced. Other guys will love me and I may love other guys. But I guess I figured, I already had this, why look for another. I've had so many guys adore me before and since Brandon, I just like the way he did it best so they...aren't up to par I guess. But Brandon as a person? I don't miss that. Not anymore. Because that person is gone.

I just can't believe he's so fucking immature. GROW UP!

Well, actually I can believe it. That's just how he is. I just don't want to believe it. How he became such an asshole is just beyond me. He said once that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends. If it was the old Brandon, I'd adamantly argue that. But he's not going to have any friends if he continues to act like a dick to everyone.

I was the last person who would do anything for him, drop anything, say anything, whatever. And I absolutely guarantee that. His parents, maybe. I don't see his dad enough and his mom is extremely two-faced, so I don't know. Alicia and Alec would sell him out in a second and they have proven that many, many times. His friends, Beechwood, they'd be more concerned about protecting themselves. None of them have been in love. None of them know how to be so completely selfless and care wholeheartedly and unconditionally for someone else.

He said tonight that he isn't pushing people away. He may not be doing it intentionally, but he is. I said above that I was the last person who would do anything for him. Because I'm not going to anymore. He's got no one. He is such a completely different and ugly person now, I can't even begin to try to hold on to who he used to be.

The one thing I truly do not understand about him is why he doesn't go back to being that person. Back then he was happy. The depression was covered, if not gone. Why does he want to be this wretched person who is giving up on life and alienates himself? He can change that in a heartbeat. Change who he hangs around with, change how he treats people, change his mentality. It's not as hard as I'm sure he'll make it out to be. But he'll pretend it is to prove me wrong.

It's a shame. He has such a great life. Sure, his family life is tough sometimes, they don't have much money, and he has the pressure of being a great musician. He just doesn't realize how small those things will be next year. He'll be out of the house, have a full ride to wherever for music, and how he did in high school really will not matter. He can argue that all day with me but he really doesn't know what college is like. Music or art or whatever, it's all the same in any major. All high school does is get you into the college, which he had the talent to do even last year. Once in college, you're starting from scratch anyway. And, again, argue away Brandon, but I have friends in CCM. I know people in other schools' music programs. It does not matter.

-----------------------------------------------------

Change of pace, it's about to get painful.

I'm just so sick of everything getting so fucked up all the time.

I can't do anything right and nothing goes right. Everyday I am told more bad news and receive more disappointment.

My last hope is gone.

I'm done. I'm finished. With everything.

I can't afford to go to school. Not even for just this year. My family cannot pay for it.

Because of my heart problems I most likely won't be able to do ROTC to pay for school either.

Meaning I'll have to drop out or else go to NKU and major in something I'm not interested in the least. I can't stand the thought. UC is everything I've dreamed about. It's perfect for me.

Then again major-wise it's not like I'm interested in anything at all right now. I don't really see a future in general.

I need heart surgery.

We can't pay for that either.

Insurance won't even kick in until next year.

Two more months of hell.

I'm blacking out and getting dangerously dizzy all the time.

And this can kill me.

If it doesn't, the surgery can.

I live in a constant state of fear.

I live in a constant lie.

I can't fully be myself around anyone anymore.

I fake being happy every day.

I fake courage every day.

I've lost the one person who I actually cared about.

And cared about me.

I don't have anyone to turn to about anything.

I'm completely alone in the world, even with so many people surrounding me.

They don't know me, they don't understand.

I have no motivation to do anything.

I've lost reason to try to go on.

I have no hope for the future.

I have nothing.

So I'm done with it. What's the point of me sticking around and living a lie. I hate life, I hate myself. Pain isn't enough. I'm done. With everything. It's over. I give up.

Goodnight beautiful stars, and goodbye moonlight. I pray you'll miss me. At least someone will. Goodbye.

Someday

1155pm

Ugh. Where to start.

Well for starters, I didn't edit the last post. I may not have connected points well or whatever, but it's not that hard to figure out. I just keep getting distracted or lost in my thoughts. It's hard to get right back on track after that.

Anyway, yesterday Brandon and I sat up at the park. It was so nice and so easy. We talked like friends. I had no thoughts of anything else and it was no big deal at all. This is the way I want it. Relaxed and friends. Now I'm just afraid to ask him to ever do anything again because I know he doesn't like to be around people. I'll give it time. Maybe suggest something in a week. I don't know. I just can't lose him as a friend. Not now.

Which brings me to my next topic. Today was just awful. --and don't worry, I'll make the connection about not losing him now and my miserable day in a second.--

I couldn't sleep until 3 something, had to wake up at 6 to try to register for classes again, only to find it not work. I tried to get it to for a half hour, then finally gave up and went back to sleep at 640. Woke up for school at 720 and realized I had drawing and math today. Two least favorite classes. Then in drawing I couldn't draw a straight line, let alone a fucking ellipse. Then things got better when I hung out with Erin, Dana, and the boys. But then finite just had to come along. It wasn't too bad until I got a paper cut that stung like hell. Small but painful damn things. Oh and I forgot, I almost passed out on my way to Chad, Sam, and Joel's room when I was with Tim and Ryan. That sucked. It's getting a lot worse. Oh, and then I find out I can't register for my classes at all until Saturday. SATURDAY!!!! I checked the availability as of today, and of my seven classes, 4 were all filled. Fuck. My. Fucking. Life. Oh, oh, ha, and get this, my family can't afford to put me through school. Awesome. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

*sigh

My connection was that I need him now with all the heart stuff going on mostly. It is getting a lot worse and so quickly. I joke around about it and make it out to not be a big deal to people all the time, and no body knows this, but I'm absolutely terrified. I am so, so afraid every day to even get up out of bed.

I want to seem strong and I don't want people to be overly concerned about me so I play it off as nothing. But I stand up and almost fall over or into something, I go through entire days of not being able to see straight, and I get dizzy or blackout for a couple seconds while I'm driving. I want to have the surgery now. I'm less afraid of the death rate from that than I am of living day to day.

But I can't have it now. We can't pay for it. So I have to wait two months and have it in January. Two months. Two more months of constant fear and faking to everyone that I am fine. I mean, I'm used to the last part, but it's different with this. Faking emotions is nothing compared to faking courage and acting like I'm not about to pass out.

Luke and Tanner are going down with me for the surgery. A couple UC people may too. What I really need is for Brandon to be there. And I may have said this before. But I need him to be there, to tell me everything will be okay, to tell me to be strong, and to tell me he'll be there when it's all over. That's what I need.

But like he said, he just doesn't care about anything anymore. And what can I do? I have to respect that. I can be there for him and remind him that I care, but that's about it. As much as it kills me, I can't make him care about me. And, again, I mean this as a friend. I know he doesn't want to date-his nice way of saying he doesn't love me, doesn't care about me that way-and I know I shouldn't be with him, he's not the same guy I fell in love with anymore. I mean this as a friend. I want him to be there for me as my friend. My best friend.

There are days like today where dying seems like a blessing. Giving up seems like an easier path. But I know, especially from telling this kind of thing to Brandon and Tanner, that there is something worth living for. That I do have a lot going for me. It's just so hard to believe sometimes.

I have no inspiration, no motivation. I can't see myself in the future being in the army. I can't see myself being a fashion designer. I can't see myself in some random dead end job. I don't see anything. It's back to that. I have nothing, I've been left with nothing. It's times like these that I wish my heart would finally shut down.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

My family wouldn't have to pay for medical expenses or college for me. None of my friends 'need' me, they have other good friends and outlets. Brandon would be happier without me being here to bother him. And I have no future anyway. It seems like it would benefit everyone.

I cried today. Big surprise, right? Well actually, it's been over a month I'd say since the last time I did. It was around 1020 I guess--it's 1229 now, just for a reference--right before I got in the shower. I was thinking about something I might to this month, or at least before the heart surgery. I think I'm going to write a letter or an email or a text, depending on the person, to everyone I've really ever been close with, telling them my favorite memory with them. That'll probably be around fifty stories to write about.

If...something does happen, it'll be a good little memory I suppose. If everything ends up fine and I recover and all that, then it'll just be like a little 'getting back in touch,' cute message thing. Either way it'll be nice for people to get I think.

And I won't be sappy and say goodbye or anything stupid like that. But like one to my cousin Ellen would just talk about how we used to play totally spies at all the family gatherings and how silly we were. And I'd end it saying 'those were the days,' or something light like that.

What got me crying though...hm, I don't know if I want to get into this now. I've had a constant stream of tears flowing for a while now. Not like huffing and puffing or anything, just a steady stream flowing out. I think I'll wait for another night. On a side note, it's nice to cry in the shower. It just washes everything away and no one can tell you've been crying. Hmmm. But yeah. That's all for the night.

.

Headstong

1011pm

There's a million things I've been wanting to say for a couple days.

But I still don't feel like writing.

I'll simplify it-a lot- and come back to this another time.

I've been getting dizzier every day. Monday was really bad. I had a constant dizzy haze all day. Usually it just comes for a couple seconds then leaves. At least it wasn't bad. It just felt like a light sheet of dizzy was placed over me haha. I really can't describe it well. It wasn't hard to see or walk or anything. Well, it was hard to walk in a straight line, but you rarely need to do that. The hard thing to do was visually focus my eyes on something. It took twice as long to do the drawing homework than I should have. Driving worried me. But I'm alive. So whatever.

Brandon and I hung out Sunday night, 8 ish until 1 ish. It was good. It was nice. It was needed.

I think he may have the wrong idea about something though, thinking about it now. He kept reminding me that he didn't want to date. I kind of just kept thinking, yeah I know, but I never thought about why he was saying it. I don't want to date him. Scratch that. I don't want to date who he is now. So he has nothing to worry about.

What I want is him in my life. I don't know if he does anymore, but I still love him and care about him. I need him to be in my life like he promised he'd be, romantically or otherwise. I need him as a friend. He knows more about me than anyone, I can be stupid around him and he doesn't care. I used to be able to tell him anything, but I'm not sure about that anymore. Why the fuck he'd tell people I was suicidal is beyond me but it seriously put him on my shit list when it comes to trust. And I'm almost positive he bragged about his 'fan site' too. Dumb ass pisses me off sometimes.

Anyway, I still need him to be my friend. lol.

Everything feels so right when I'm with him. I feel safe and happy and peaceful. And I mean as friends. It was like that before too, but I mean...whatever, you know what I mean. It's different but still the same. Going on-

Sitting talking to him is so easy. And lying by him. It's all so comfortable. And, at least to me, it wasn't awkward at all. Lying with some guy friends it is. And, again, to me, I wasn't thinking of it romantically. Well, that is until he turned me around and all that...

When I'm away and I can think clearly, I know he's all wrong for me. Shit, just look back at everything he did to me. I don't want to date him at all. About 99 percent of the time.

There's just something about when he puts hand on my neck and his face is close to mine. My God. I've never wanted anyone more. Because like that, I think of who he used to be. And who he used to be, that was perfect.

I am constantly around guys, most of which are really great and treat me like gold. They're amazing. But it's like I search out their faults and reasons to turn them away when they flirt or make a move. None of them have...everything.

And I've had everything. I did for about seven months. But I lost that when July came around. And now I know why at least. I thought it was just band. Boy was I wrong haha.

Hm, I didn't talk about that night at Katie's on here. I learned a lot, Katie learned a lot. She cried a lot. I was shaking a lot. Probably due to how nervous I was. I didn't want her to hate me for being honest with her like that. But she didn't :)

My body shakes a lot now. Another heart side effect. It's all emotionally driven, which is why Monday was so bad I guess.

Getting off topic, big time.

But Brandon isn't like that anymore. Which sucks. Because it's going to be damn near impossible to find someone that perfect again. And I don't mean perfect as in perfect. I mean perfect as in imperfect, but in ways where I love every ounce of his being. His perfections, his imperfections, and everything in between. One in a million. Good thing there's a billion or so people in the world. Maybe I stand another chance ;D

I keep getting distracted by talking to people and the music I'm listening to. I really didn't mean to write this much, but now I also feel like I'm missing points I wanted to touch upon. OHHWEELLLL. I'll come back to this another time.