Headstong

1011pm

There's a million things I've been wanting to say for a couple days.

But I still don't feel like writing.

I'll simplify it-a lot- and come back to this another time.

I've been getting dizzier every day. Monday was really bad. I had a constant dizzy haze all day. Usually it just comes for a couple seconds then leaves. At least it wasn't bad. It just felt like a light sheet of dizzy was placed over me haha. I really can't describe it well. It wasn't hard to see or walk or anything. Well, it was hard to walk in a straight line, but you rarely need to do that. The hard thing to do was visually focus my eyes on something. It took twice as long to do the drawing homework than I should have. Driving worried me. But I'm alive. So whatever.

Brandon and I hung out Sunday night, 8 ish until 1 ish. It was good. It was nice. It was needed.

I think he may have the wrong idea about something though, thinking about it now. He kept reminding me that he didn't want to date. I kind of just kept thinking, yeah I know, but I never thought about why he was saying it. I don't want to date him. Scratch that. I don't want to date who he is now. So he has nothing to worry about.

What I want is him in my life. I don't know if he does anymore, but I still love him and care about him. I need him to be in my life like he promised he'd be, romantically or otherwise. I need him as a friend. He knows more about me than anyone, I can be stupid around him and he doesn't care. I used to be able to tell him anything, but I'm not sure about that anymore. Why the fuck he'd tell people I was suicidal is beyond me but it seriously put him on my shit list when it comes to trust. And I'm almost positive he bragged about his 'fan site' too. Dumb ass pisses me off sometimes.

Anyway, I still need him to be my friend. lol.

Everything feels so right when I'm with him. I feel safe and happy and peaceful. And I mean as friends. It was like that before too, but I mean...whatever, you know what I mean. It's different but still the same. Going on-

Sitting talking to him is so easy. And lying by him. It's all so comfortable. And, at least to me, it wasn't awkward at all. Lying with some guy friends it is. And, again, to me, I wasn't thinking of it romantically. Well, that is until he turned me around and all that...

When I'm away and I can think clearly, I know he's all wrong for me. Shit, just look back at everything he did to me. I don't want to date him at all. About 99 percent of the time.

There's just something about when he puts hand on my neck and his face is close to mine. My God. I've never wanted anyone more. Because like that, I think of who he used to be. And who he used to be, that was perfect.

I am constantly around guys, most of which are really great and treat me like gold. They're amazing. But it's like I search out their faults and reasons to turn them away when they flirt or make a move. None of them have...everything.

And I've had everything. I did for about seven months. But I lost that when July came around. And now I know why at least. I thought it was just band. Boy was I wrong haha.

Hm, I didn't talk about that night at Katie's on here. I learned a lot, Katie learned a lot. She cried a lot. I was shaking a lot. Probably due to how nervous I was. I didn't want her to hate me for being honest with her like that. But she didn't :)

My body shakes a lot now. Another heart side effect. It's all emotionally driven, which is why Monday was so bad I guess.

Getting off topic, big time.

But Brandon isn't like that anymore. Which sucks. Because it's going to be damn near impossible to find someone that perfect again. And I don't mean perfect as in perfect. I mean perfect as in imperfect, but in ways where I love every ounce of his being. His perfections, his imperfections, and everything in between. One in a million. Good thing there's a billion or so people in the world. Maybe I stand another chance ;D

I keep getting distracted by talking to people and the music I'm listening to. I really didn't mean to write this much, but now I also feel like I'm missing points I wanted to touch upon. OHHWEELLLL. I'll come back to this another time.