Goodnight Moon

149am

Another awful day.

Woke up at 930 for a class at 10. It's a half hour drive. I somehow managed to dress and get there in time. I was dizzy all throughout class because of yesterday's emotional whatever and this morning's stress(that's what provokes my heart issues: emotion. Which explains my 'anxiety attacks' early on). Then after class Chad kept making me feel like a bad person because I haven't seen a doctor and I'm not getting the surgery for two months. After it really got to me, I broke and told him we couldn't afford it. He told me he didn't care and that I need to go. What the hell does he expect me to do?! I left immediately and tears ran from my eyes as I walked to my car. Awesome. I mean, I'm glad he cares so much, but there's a limit. I was dizzy on the drive home because of that. I got dizzy and had to grab on to the wall so I wouldn't fall a few hours later once I was back at school with Aaron and Erin. Most likely caused by that morning. Then there was the Brandon problem a couple hours after that. Right after I stopped talking to him, it happened again in the bleachers. I had nothing to hold onto and it was worse. Thank God Sam was there to catch me and hold me steady until I came to. At least Chad had left and wasn't there to harass me about seeing a doctor.

There were good parts to the day, but they are so extremely outweighed by the bad, it doesn't even matter.

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

I found this the other day. Pretty much summed up my past month for the most part. But things change. I especially should know this.

I never admitted this. To myself, yes, but not out loud or even on here. But the biggest thing I think I was still fighting for in Brandon was adoration, the way he loved me. He can be replaced. Other guys will love me and I may love other guys. But I guess I figured, I already had this, why look for another. I've had so many guys adore me before and since Brandon, I just like the way he did it best so they...aren't up to par I guess. But Brandon as a person? I don't miss that. Not anymore. Because that person is gone.

I just can't believe he's so fucking immature. GROW UP!

Well, actually I can believe it. That's just how he is. I just don't want to believe it. How he became such an asshole is just beyond me. He said once that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends. If it was the old Brandon, I'd adamantly argue that. But he's not going to have any friends if he continues to act like a dick to everyone.

I was the last person who would do anything for him, drop anything, say anything, whatever. And I absolutely guarantee that. His parents, maybe. I don't see his dad enough and his mom is extremely two-faced, so I don't know. Alicia and Alec would sell him out in a second and they have proven that many, many times. His friends, Beechwood, they'd be more concerned about protecting themselves. None of them have been in love. None of them know how to be so completely selfless and care wholeheartedly and unconditionally for someone else.

He said tonight that he isn't pushing people away. He may not be doing it intentionally, but he is. I said above that I was the last person who would do anything for him. Because I'm not going to anymore. He's got no one. He is such a completely different and ugly person now, I can't even begin to try to hold on to who he used to be.

The one thing I truly do not understand about him is why he doesn't go back to being that person. Back then he was happy. The depression was covered, if not gone. Why does he want to be this wretched person who is giving up on life and alienates himself? He can change that in a heartbeat. Change who he hangs around with, change how he treats people, change his mentality. It's not as hard as I'm sure he'll make it out to be. But he'll pretend it is to prove me wrong.

It's a shame. He has such a great life. Sure, his family life is tough sometimes, they don't have much money, and he has the pressure of being a great musician. He just doesn't realize how small those things will be next year. He'll be out of the house, have a full ride to wherever for music, and how he did in high school really will not matter. He can argue that all day with me but he really doesn't know what college is like. Music or art or whatever, it's all the same in any major. All high school does is get you into the college, which he had the talent to do even last year. Once in college, you're starting from scratch anyway. And, again, argue away Brandon, but I have friends in CCM. I know people in other schools' music programs. It does not matter.

-----------------------------------------------------

Change of pace, it's about to get painful.

I'm just so sick of everything getting so fucked up all the time.

I can't do anything right and nothing goes right. Everyday I am told more bad news and receive more disappointment.

My last hope is gone.

I'm done. I'm finished. With everything.

I can't afford to go to school. Not even for just this year. My family cannot pay for it.

Because of my heart problems I most likely won't be able to do ROTC to pay for school either.

Meaning I'll have to drop out or else go to NKU and major in something I'm not interested in the least. I can't stand the thought. UC is everything I've dreamed about. It's perfect for me.

Then again major-wise it's not like I'm interested in anything at all right now. I don't really see a future in general.

I need heart surgery.

We can't pay for that either.

Insurance won't even kick in until next year.

Two more months of hell.

I'm blacking out and getting dangerously dizzy all the time.

And this can kill me.

If it doesn't, the surgery can.

I live in a constant state of fear.

I live in a constant lie.

I can't fully be myself around anyone anymore.

I fake being happy every day.

I fake courage every day.

I've lost the one person who I actually cared about.

And cared about me.

I don't have anyone to turn to about anything.

I'm completely alone in the world, even with so many people surrounding me.

They don't know me, they don't understand.

I have no motivation to do anything.

I've lost reason to try to go on.

I have no hope for the future.

I have nothing.

So I'm done with it. What's the point of me sticking around and living a lie. I hate life, I hate myself. Pain isn't enough. I'm done. With everything. It's over. I give up.

Goodnight beautiful stars, and goodbye moonlight. I pray you'll miss me. At least someone will. Goodbye.