Tilt Table Test

127am

I haven't had a chance to get on here since it happened but it needs to be recorded.

On Tuesday I went to Lexington Baptist Hospital, or whatever it's called, to take a tilt table test. Sounds kind of fun, right?

NO IT IS NOT FREAKING FUN!!!!!

It sucked.

First they attached the sticky, this-is-going-to-hurt-like-hell-when-they-tear-them-off monitor things all over my chest. Now they could see my heart rate and whatever else on the screen.

Then the put an IV in my arm. I'm terrified of needles and everyone could clearly see that when my heart rate shot up. To make it better, they put something or another in the IV. Not really sure what it was but I'm pretty sure it's whatever made me pass out so slowly. But I'll get to that later.

So they took my blood pressure and lied me down on a bed. Then the strapped me down for later when they tilt the bed up.

The nurse who gave me the IV >:( told me that the smallest time or the last time was 5 minutes before the guy passed out, which was apparently super fast. I told her I really didn't think I was going to pass out. It just wasn't one of those days where I was really dizzy at all.

Then they left.

So I lied there for 40 looooooooong minutes in silence, hungry and tired.

Not a good combination for me.

Finally they came back in, checked my blood pressure again, and we began the horror that is the tilt table test.

They tilted it up slowly so it was as if I was standing. They checked my blood pressure again. They had to do this now every minute or something.

I felt the normal dizziness for about a minute and I wasn't concerned. I thought, 'there's no way I'd pass out from this.'

Then the room started spinning.

My vision started to fade but I didn't think much of this. It happens sometimes when I'm dizzy. But this wouldn't go away.

Slowly, I started to feel really sick. I was sure I was going to get sick.

My head started pounding and my legs gave out. If it weren't for the straps I would have fallen face first on the floor.

At this point my vision was completely gone and it was beginning to get hard to breathe. My lungs seems to tighten up and I felt like I was choking.

I couldn't hear much except them constantly asking if I was with them. I'd respond the best I could but it mostly came out as a weak, whispered yeah.

Then I hear the freaking IV nurse say she can't find my blood pressure. She tried again and it was far too faint to hear.

So I can't see or breathe, can barely hear, my head is spinning and hurts, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I lost control of my body, and this damn nurse is freaking out that she can't find my blood pressure because it's dangerously low.

What. The. Fuck.

So they began to tilt me back to lying down again.

I started to be able to see and breathe again, but now there was this horrific hollow ringing screeching in my ears.

At least my blood pressure started to go up.

After a while everything started to subside and they started talking to me about it.

That whole fucking miserable experience that literally felt like fifteen minutes was only three minutes, from when they tilted me up to when they brought me back down.

New record. Woo.

Easily one of the worst experiences of my entire life. I'd rather get the fucking surgery and end this already.

Going the Distance

209

I didn't realize how distant I've been. Both Sam and Chad called me one of their best friends.

And not recently, I was just thinking about it now. I didn't even realize I was all that close to them.

Sam I could see me becoming really good friends with.

Chad, eh. He's known to be a liar. I'm finished even considering being close to people who can't be honest. But I know he does really care about me and me being safe and healthy. Much more than what I can say for the one who actually caused the majority of my suffering...

But still. Not getting too close. I'm not going to be vulnerable again. What I'm worried about with Sam is that I don't know if Erin is cool with her boyfriends being close to girls. She'd have absolutely nothing to worry about from me (Sam's not the kind of guy I'd date. Then again, I didn't think Brandon was. But Erin is most definitely not someone I'd ever hurt. She's far too incredibly sweet and sincere to do that to.) but I still would want to be sure she's okay with it. She seems like the jealous type.

Off topic. But yeah, I'm really surprised I've been so distant. Usually I'm the one who sees a friend in someone before they do. I guess when you have nothing left in the world, you lose focus.

Stuck on You

Don't get me wrong, I do not want to date him. But I've never had a real best friend besides him. Someone I can confide everything in without worrying about him judging me. Someone who would keep my secrets and not tell anyone. Someone who I could trust. Someone who cared about me no matter what and was always there for me. A real best friend. He is none of these things to me anymore, absolutely none, but it's so hard to let him go. It's so hard to let that go. A best friend. Yeah, I've had so many friends in the past. More than I can remember. But there was always something. They'd tell people what I said or lie to me or judge me or whatever else. For 8 months (ish), Brandon was the perfect best friend. Even if we weren't dating. Now I've met like fifty (no joke) new people and none of them fit the part. Breanna is my best friend now, but she's younger. There's things I can't tell her, things she wouldn't get because she hasn't live it yet. She's like my younger sister and I love her to death. But in addition to her--because I wouldn't trade her for the world-- I need someone I can share everything with. I've gone my whole life keeping things to myself and locked up, letting it build up until it hurts. There was always something wrong and I was never 100 percent happy. But when I had Brandon as a best friend, I didn't need to keep everything in. I was happier and it seemed like nothing in my life was wrong. That is absolutely something I do not want to let go of. It just sucks that he keeps shoving me away and saying that it's for the better. He doesn't understand that he's making everything that much worse. I wish he could see that. Or at least care if he does. I try and try to show him but it makes no difference.

Now more than ever I need someone. I'm out of options. I can't...do anything to myself anymore. I can't do that to my dad now that... and if my dad...if something happens to him, I can't do that to my family. So I'm left with living a miserable, tortured life by myself without any way out. Awesome.

And it continues.

My dad is dying.

Life just gets better and better.

He has the same thing my uncle died of when he was 28.

The doctors weren't even sure how he's still alive.

Upside-I might have saved him, at least for now. He only went to the doctors because he had many of the same symptoms as me. But they said I don't have it.

Downside-My dad was tested for this in his 20's and they said he didn't have it. And now he does. And very badly. Means if whatever is going on now doesn't kill me, that probably will soon enough.

Fuhk. Yeah.