Stuck on You

Don't get me wrong, I do not want to date him. But I've never had a real best friend besides him. Someone I can confide everything in without worrying about him judging me. Someone who would keep my secrets and not tell anyone. Someone who I could trust. Someone who cared about me no matter what and was always there for me. A real best friend. He is none of these things to me anymore, absolutely none, but it's so hard to let him go. It's so hard to let that go. A best friend. Yeah, I've had so many friends in the past. More than I can remember. But there was always something. They'd tell people what I said or lie to me or judge me or whatever else. For 8 months (ish), Brandon was the perfect best friend. Even if we weren't dating. Now I've met like fifty (no joke) new people and none of them fit the part. Breanna is my best friend now, but she's younger. There's things I can't tell her, things she wouldn't get because she hasn't live it yet. She's like my younger sister and I love her to death. But in addition to her--because I wouldn't trade her for the world-- I need someone I can share everything with. I've gone my whole life keeping things to myself and locked up, letting it build up until it hurts. There was always something wrong and I was never 100 percent happy. But when I had Brandon as a best friend, I didn't need to keep everything in. I was happier and it seemed like nothing in my life was wrong. That is absolutely something I do not want to let go of. It just sucks that he keeps shoving me away and saying that it's for the better. He doesn't understand that he's making everything that much worse. I wish he could see that. Or at least care if he does. I try and try to show him but it makes no difference.

Now more than ever I need someone. I'm out of options. I can't...do anything to myself anymore. I can't do that to my dad now that... and if my dad...if something happens to him, I can't do that to my family. So I'm left with living a miserable, tortured life by myself without any way out. Awesome.