Oh my effing boys...

1240

Wow. Okay so I'm going to make a list of guys who are interested in me. Because it's too much to freaking believe.

Luke Ledonne-friend, likes me, but knows I don't want a boyfriend.

Tanner Blaire-friend, kiss when we see each other but he's like my best friend, neither want a bf/gf.

Jake Besse-knew from school, it was random, says he liked me in high school but was afraid to date a younger girl.

Chad Ackerman-friend, likes me, neither of us want a bf/gf, but we both like each other.

The Bellevue band boys-hahahahahaha!

Cody Goode-friend, likes me but he's not my type.

Joel Moenter-friend, we had a thing but it wasn't going to work, not my type.

Tim Hale-friend, likes me but he doesn't seem like the boyfriend type, would only be a friend.

Alan Baker-friend, likes me, still don't know him well enough but we're going on another date, knows I don't want a boyfriend.

Daniel Orbach-friend, kissed once, likes me but we couldn't go out because he's jewish and I'm not.

Junior-random, asked me to dance but I couldn't. I owe him one and think I'll try to find him at the Halloween party to dance. Seemed like a great guy.

Kid I can't remember-random, we danced, it was weird...

John Davies-knew from school, it was random, we talked and he asked me on a date. We'll see how it goes.

Kyle Strian-random for now, interested, just met him tonight so I don't know.

And then of course I have all the other guys I've met and I'm friends with:

Ryan Finke, Sam Naseem, Zach Keeney, Brian, Chris, Matt, David, Alex, Devon, and Timothy. So who knows what the future holds. Other than Timothy, because he's into guys.

Hm, I've made very few girl friends:

Brianna, Kat, Kate, Katherine, and Lauren.

Dang.

Sheee-yit. So many boys! And this is all since Brandon and I broke up. Guess I've still got it ;D

But none of these boys...call to me, if you will. Chad is the closest but it seems more like a crush than me falling for him.

Anyway, it's quite the confidence booster for sure. And reminds me that there are great guys out there. I may not have identified a new one yet, but I will. And I will live happily ever after :)

The end.

EDIT:

Nov.1

752pm

So I found out at the party last night that Brian likes me. He showed me in quite a few ways... And a pledge, Craig and I kissed. A lot. God. The way I acted last night, you'd think I'd been drinking! Hahaha

Chad was insanely jealous that I danced with Brian and Joel all night. Good thing he doesn't know about Craig. He'd probably kill him...

It was a fun night ;D

EDIT:

Dec.14

232am

Danny Boehmker and I went on a date. Randomly started talking to me. I don't know. Seems to be more into being physical. We haven't been at all. Literally. But he talks about getting a kiss and crap all the time. Kind of over it.

Tanner asked me out on an actual date, not just as friends like usual. Was pretty fun but also...painful...haha. He's rough.

New reason to ask the question that is the name of this journal.

149am

I'm having heart surgery.

Shit.

:D

1237am

Thank God for Chad.

I talked to him for a while today. I started to have another breakdown in drawing class. I have no idea why, but I did.

So I told him and he told me to come talk to him in his room.

I explained everything to him pretty much and he just said some things to me I really needed to hear.

"You're stupid," he said. That was it. He was right. He went on to tell me what everyone else has, how he's not even worth me trying to be his friend, how I don't deserve that, I will find someone better, etc. etc.

But for some reason him coming out and calling me stupid was just what I needed. Because he's right. I'm too trusting; too forgiving.

And it's true. I try to find the best in people. Even if I taking that idea of them from the past. Which is bad for me. It'll end up hurting me. I should know better than anyone that guys don't change. Not back anyway. Joseph and Brandon are great examples of that. It's almost frightening how much alike they seem to be now. Yikes! haha

Anyway, so I'm happy now :) I've got a date tomorrow night with a cool guy and I'm really excited! I've got so many wonderful new friends and still some old ones. I even made peace with Kate today because I was in such a good mood. It's been great since I talked to Chad.

I feel ready to take anything on now.

If Brandon wants to be friends, sure, cool, that's awesome. If not, okay, fine, whatever he wants. There's no more stress, concern, desires, nothing. I'll just go with the flow like the fortune teller told me I do ;D

Nighty night little lamb. I'm off to bed and I should be finished with this journal. Tune in next time to another journal on my profile. PEACE OUT YO!

Shadows and Regrets

I've never missed anyone before.

This is kind of a really big deal for someone like me. I don't miss people.

I know that sound weird, but that's just how i am. I'm not nostalgic; I don't miss things; I adapt really easy and have no problem moving on. I don't get home sick and I don't really try to stay in touch with people once they're gone. This is the first time I've ever missed any one at all.

It's a terrifying thing. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I tried starting a conversation. I tried asking if he wants any other music. I tried just being a friend. He wants none of it.

I just want my best friend back. That's all I'm asking.

Relapse

1019pm

Shit. Shit. What the fuck is going on.

I can't get him out of my head. I really don't know what's going on.

It hasn't been like this. Not for weeks.

I've been trying to distract myself and keep myself busy, but he won't fucking leave my mind. I can't focus on anything; I end up just staring into space thinking about him in some way or another. What he's doing right now, what it's going to be like seeing him at competitions, what we used to do together, silly stuff we'd say and do, inside jokes we had, sweet things he'd say, the things we'd planned together, what he thinks of me now, and on and on.

I'm about to have an anxiety attack. My head is pulsing, my chest feels light, my breaths are short and my heart is racing.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!

I really don't get it. Even when we dated he'd never so completely consume my thoughts to this extent.

It's...really scaring me.

I don't know what it means or what I'm supposed to do.

I'm starting to feel sick now too and I want to cry.

Why is this happening now? Nothing's been different about today. I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. I sent him a message a couple hours ago reminding him to grab something from school for me that he agreed to a while ago. He didn't answer, but that's not new.

Though he didn't answer yesterday either.

Maybe...I don't know. It still wouldn't explain why it's happening now, but maybe...I'm not sure how to put it just yet...

When we broke up, he'd always said he'd still be there for me and be my friend and I won't lose him. And I think I always thought we'd get back together or at least stay best friends. But I think something inside of me crashed down and (subconsciously) realized that I've lost him. He's gone.

There's probably some things I should add that I failed to mention the other night. When I went to talk to Katie, she was with him. When he dropped her off, I tried to get him to talk too, that way he either couldn't lie or else could only lie to one of us so we'd at least know what he wants. He wouldn't come so I called him out on some things he's lied about concerning Katie right there and needless to say, he was absolutely pissed when he left. I've never seen him so mad at me. It killed me a little but also just made me mad, because it showed what I said was right. Anyway, I thought it would be a while before he would talk to me again.

But then around 5am, while Aaron, Katie and I (yes, everything worked out okay and Katie and I are friends...kinda) were watching So You Think You Can Dance, I got a message from him.

I was shocked.

I opened it, expecting something angry and hatful, and was blown away.

"Go outside and look at the stars. They're beautiful."

What?

I had no idea what was going on. Without thinking, I grabbed my jacket and walked to the door. Katie and Aaron of course gave me a look like I was crazy. I just said I'll be right back and kept walking.

On the way out, I tried to think of why he'd send that. I thought maybe he was outside or something. But I was at Katie's and he wouldn't know that.

He obviously wasn't outside, but I stood out there and stared at the stars for a moment. They really were beautiful.

I walked inside and I responded something like, "They really are. I wish I had my glasses so I could see them better."

I figured if he was outside my house, he'd say something about it. He didn't. So I don't think he was.

Katie and Aaron asked if anything was wrong when I walked in. They had thought I was on the phone. I told them Luke told me to look at the stars. I was talking to Luke too so they believed it. I didn't want to bring up Brandon again that night. It was, and still is, a difficult subject between me and Katie and she still doesn't know what she's going to do.

Brandon responded a few more times. We talked about how much more beautiful it would be in the country and he said he gets to see that at his farm. Then he said he's tired and going to bed.

And he said goodbye.

Goodbye. He knows how I feel about that word. I'm afraid of it. It seems so...permanent. We'd only say it to each other if we were either really mad or really hurt.

But I don't think he was either. I think he meant goodbye. To me.

I said goodnight in return and didn't think much about it. But now I am. And I think my subconscious knew it which is why I'm cracking now.

It just makes so much sense.

And it's just tearing me to shreds in a way I've never felt. It's more intense than when we broke up. Because, again, I thought we'd always be together in some way.

But now...

My mind is still going nuts with thoughts of him and my body is still freaking out.

And I've got at least an hour of digital design work to do on this project and an exam in art history I haven't studied for.

And it's 11.

I really needed sleep tonight. This was a bad night for everything to happen.

I've lost my best friend. I've never realized how much I need him, in any way, shape, or form, to be in my life. Not like this.

Please, not like this. Please.

END

142pm

So this is the last one for this specific journal.

Because I don't have to ask the question anymore: "what am I supposed to do now?"

I've talked to Katie and I just hope she makes the right decision.

Brandon needs to straighten himself out before he tries to date anyone. The lying and deceiving is old.

Anyway, my final decision:

I love him with all my heart and I'd do anything for him. I'll go to his concerts and be there for him when he's sick. I'll be his best friend if he wants me to be.

But I will not date him like this.

I will be his friend, but I will not put my heart on the line.

If he can show me he's changed, like really prove it to me, then I would be all for dating him and following through with everything we've talked about concerning the future.

I would love that.

But not unless he changes back or into someone...good(for lack of a better term).

So yeah. That's it! All solved for now.

I feel so much lighter and I feel like I can go on with my life.

I still have a shadow hanging over my back full of memories and wishes, but there are rays of light brightening up my path. Finally. It's been a while.

That's it! PEACE!

Awake and Alive

109am

I went through a lot of different extremes tonight. And not so extremes.

Brandon forgot about me. What's new. I wasn't mad at all. More hurt and disappointed. But it felt kind of normal too. Bad sign.

But yeah.

Went to Tanner's. He kept me calm and just talked to me for a long time, relating completely to me. And I was okay.

But then later I found out that Brandon went to Katie's, told them that I freaked out on him because he ditched me, and showed them that I've talked about suicide.

Someone's screaming for attention. I was furious about the first two, he did ditch me and he lied about me. I was just really, really hurt by the last. That was just a low blow. I don't go telling people about his depression, why is he bragging about mine? I wouldn't even do that to someone I hated.

So yeah. Then we talked. Things went well. I was happy. I thought maybe there would be a future for us. He told me he's been trying to tell Katie he doesn't want to "talk" and that he didn't cuddle with only her, that it wasn't a big deal. I believed him.

Then Aaron tells me that Katie is getting the exact opposite texts from him. Ouch. And I found out about the suicide thing after I got off the phone with him. So at this point I'm just in a shit load of pain.

So here's the deal. I've got all kinds of confidence from who-knows-where suddenly. Like within the last ten minutes.

I deserve better. I shouldn't have to go through this crap. So I'm not going to. I'm going to work on Joel :) Brandon says he'll always love me and always be my friend, so I'm going to find out if he really means that I guess. He and Katie can date if they want. I doubt that'll last long anyway. And it will hurt like crazy knowing he's out with other girls. I just hope it hurts him more to see me. At this point, he'd have to beg me and convince me he's changed to take him back. Because I do deserve better than what he's been since July. Before that he was great! But I've got to quit holding on the the guy he used to be. That's not him anymore. And who he is now is not what I want. I won't settle for it.

I will be his friend, I'll talk to him a couple times a week, I'll try to hang out with him every once in a while. I will care about him forever, but I've realized, unless he changes either back to who he used to be or into someone new, he's not worth me stressing over. He'll either fall into the category with Clayton and Joseph and I won't talk to him at all anymore but if by chance he needs me I'll be there, or he'll(hopefully) fall into the category with Luke and Tanner and Chad and be my friend. A real friend too, not this crap he's trying to pull off as being a friend.

So yeah. I'm being strong. I'm clearing my mind. My heart has been ruled out. Actually, I'd say my heart has been broken by him too many times to be able to stand up for itself. But you know, my heart wants me to be happy too. So that's what I'm looking for now, happiness. I've got plenty of friends now who love me and would do anything for me. I don't need to rely on Brandon anymore for that. My life can be pretty great :) No more heartache, stressing about him, making myself sick, thinking about hurting myself and worse, being miserable, none of it. I'm moving on. I'm going to be happy dammit ;D

God, I love my friends so much. They give me the strength.

I'm still going to talk to Katie and tell her everything Brandon's said. I have messages to back it up too so he can't say I'm lying. She doesn't deserve to be led on, even if she is bitchy to me.

I do love Brandon with all my heart, but he needs to figure himself out. This weird deceiving, attention hungry, womanizer crap is, well, crap. He's was such an amazing guy before all that. I wish he'd realize it. And if he does, I hope he come to find me. Because I'd give anything to be with that guy.

Hm :) that made me think of Saturday. One thing he said about me dating other people, I just love. And it was just like the old Brandon that I miss. He said that if I date other people, he'll stay my friend and just hate on the guy. Then one day when he finally straightens himself out, he'll ride in on a horse(I just love that part) and kick the guy's ass, carry me off, and we'd get married and live happily ever after. Every aspect of that was like the old Brandon. Us being happy forever, something random and dramatic(the horse), and kicking ass. That's my Brandon. ;)

If that guy comes back, I'll be his in a heartbeat. But until then, I'm looking elsewhere for the next best thing.

Gosh. Now I just keep thinking back to all the great times Brandon and I had from last winter until midsummer. I've only been able to focus on the negative until now. But now I'm thinking about drawing on each other's legs at Danielle's. Or Sneaking into Kate's house that one weekend that we spent the night. And hanging out on his hammock. Sneaking glances in US History. Pretending we were really doing that work. Trying on silly hats at Crestview. Dancing together without any music playing or with me on his feet. Spending hours on a bus planning out our future together. Him sneaking me in to spend the night. Him doing whatever he can to convince me to stay longer. Talking about our past lives together or comparing ourselves to angels. Him pinning me against the wall. The messages he used to send me that would keep me blushing all night and were so sweet, I'd be at a loss of words and my response would suck compared to his(which I went back and read again on the other blog on my profile. Anyone can see why I was so in love). And spending hours upon hours just goofing off on his bed, telling stories, teasing each other, joking around, falling asleep, or just holding each other.

All this and so so so so so much more I can't even begin to describe.

Again, if this guy comes back, I'll drop everything in my life to be with him. But I can't wait around for him anymore. It pains me like crazy to say that but I know it's better this way.

Now I've got to follow through with it. :/

Ha, this could be hard. But I'm willing to try. Tanner's right. I've done nothing but think about everyone else. I need to do what's right for me.

Now we can be just friends like he wanted. No weirdness, no fighting, just friends. Now we can talk and hang out without problems. As long as he still will. Which would make me so so happy, like he doesn't even know.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, right?

Time to wrap this up.

:) I kind of feel like I'm worth something sorta. Yay improvement! Sweet dreams!

200am

I will not bow

732

WHAT THE HELL!!!

He fucking lied to my face! He said he wanted to be with me again. He said he still loved me. He said he didn't have time for a girlfriend right now.

AND HE'S FUCKING TALKING TO AND CUDDLING WITH KATIE?!?!?!?!

Now this would make me sound like a hypocrite if it weren't for the fact that she likes him and doesn't know what he's said to me. With Tanner and Joel, they both know I don't want to date them and that I like Brandon. Katie does not know that. He's either, a.) leading her on like an asshole, or b.) A HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Angry has a whole new meaning to me. And it comes with a huge side of violence. I've never felt this compelled to literally ring someone's neck or punch them in the face. It will take all my power not to do either if I see Brandon or Katie.

So I'm planning on seeing both of them.

I'm going to tell Katie what Brandon has said to me about wanting to be with me and loving me(whether it was a lie or not) and then tell her about the things we did Saturday.

I feel it's better Katie know what's going on. :)

As for Brandon, I'll give him about three seconds to explain himself before I tear him to shreds.

That's it for now. I'll be back tonight.

You could be happy

1241am

Surprised. Hurt. Happy. Crushed. Empty. Sad. Fulfilled. Tricked. Angry. Upset.

I don't know. There is no word to sum up my day.

He forgot about this morning.

Though he did say he wanted to hang out even if it was for only a little bit.

But I was not comfortable.

I'm afraid to talk around him. It's like the only thing I can do is nod and agree with whatever he's saying or else talk about what's wrong between us.

Which sucks.

It was nice at first. He held me and acted like he cared.

Things got physical.

On one hand, it was great.

It was what I wanted and...I don't know, I just want him. Not even the physical stuff necessarily. But it was still nice. It felt like he loved me again.

On the other hand, he doesn't want me. So it makes me feel like he has me over to do physical things. Which SUCKS.

Even then, it didn't feel the same as it used to. He looked around a lot and didn't seem...there.

I loved sitting/laying with him. Even when we weren't saying anything. I loved listening to him rant forever about band and crazy plans. I loved just being with him. But again, I wasn't comfortable and I almost didn't feel welcome. That's a bad way to describe it because that's not what it was, but that's the feeling I got. I couldn't talk because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I couldn't move because I didn't want to cross a line. I felt awkward and out of place. It would take us seeing each other more or possibly him treating me like a good fuhking friend to get us back the way we used to be.

He went out last night. After telling me he couldn't. Yeah, I get that his mom said no until then, but he didn't even ask her if he could hang out with me. HE said no.

But the way he described it about her waiting until then to say yes, couldn't he have said, well Ali asked me first, could I see her? Or something, anything.

Then right before I left, again another strike to me. This one isn't as much something I can explain, but I guess I can try. I'm just like every other friend to him. Actually, that's wrong, I'm just like his less important friends. There's me and Meliah and Kalee who he'll just not talk to once he gets bored with us or he has better things to do. But then there's his good friends like Nathan and Katie who he complains he can't get rid of. Funny how he can't just not talk to them. Then there's where someone he loves should be. Someone he'll say goodbye to or I've got to go to when he doesn't want to or can't talk. That's where I thought I'd be. That's not even where I was when he loved me. Back then, he wouldn't stop talking to me until he fell asleep. Then once we woke up, we'd start again through the day. But now I'm not even worth it to him to say bye to. Even after he said he would so many times.

He said today that if we were meant to be together, we would be. And I believe that too. But I know him. And the way he's going about it, we will not be together. It's like trying to get a promotion. If you're meant to get it you will, but you still have to at least try. You have to want it. There has to be effort behind it. The way he talked about it, the way he acts, the way he treats me, there is zero effort. Nothing. We will never be together. So him telling me he wants us to be together, whether is was or not, it felt like a lie.

Today when I got home, I felt off, I felt like everything he'd said was a trick to get me to do things. I didn't fully believe it, but something was itching at it. So I posted a status update saying Ali feels...like she's been fooled. He sent me a text saying no, I hadn't. I responded saying then I am one. He never answered. I said something like an hour later saying this is what I mean, or something along those lines. I got nothing. Then tonight around ten I said, no, I was fooled. Still nothing.

I just feel so miserable, so cut down, so betrayed, so tricked. It's like this is all some big joke to him. Like, let's see how much it shit I can throw at her until she figures out she needs to move on. Let's see how far I can push her until she cracks and she does something she'll regret. Let's see how much she can take before her world has crashed and she hates living. Because that's what it's getting to. Living life day by day is hell. I'm so torn between my head and my heart that it is literally tearing me apart and seriously affecting every aspect of my life.

It used to be so easy for me to be happy and social and for people to want to get to know me. Like Montreat, that was great! I was smiling the whole time, met tons of new people every day, and had no fear. But now with school, I second guess myself with everything, I'm hesitant about meeting people because I'm afraid they won't like me, and I have to force a smile across my face.

My confidence and self esteem are shot. Gone. I have no faith in myself and I'm always scared. And this is a time when I need to be brave and have all the confidence in the world. This is when I need to be making new friends and new connections for the future. And I can't do it. The friends I've made are people I've met through friends I made when I was happy. I'm trying, I really am, but you have no idea how hard it is.

I want to describe what my head and heart are screaming at me right now.

Head- You're fuhking stupid. Why the hell are you waiting around for him and wasting you're time when you know you're just going to be hurt again? You have other guys just begging for you and they're such great guys! MOVE ON! Be happy. Things feel weird when you're with Brandon anyway and he doesn't want to be with you. All he does is hurt you and take you for granted. He doesn't treat you well and you deserve better. You have better waiting at your doorstep. What are you waiting for?

Heart- You love him. You love him with everything you have. You don't see other guys the same way and definitely not in a long term way. You can't imagine being with anyone else. And there's still that chance. Maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll realize what he's lost and come back. Maybe he does still love you, but he has a fuking messed up way of showing it. You love him and can't give him up. Something is holding you back. Maybe it's all the incredible memories of you two, maybe it's how unbelievably happy you get when he does treat you well, or maybe it's the hope you have that things could go back to that way. Whatever it is, it's enough to make you endure all this pain over and over. And if you're willing to do that, it must be something worth fighting for.

My brain obviously has a better argument, but my heart is much more stubborn.

I just don't know what to do. I've said it a thousand times, but I'm stuck at that point. I've tried moving on, but I keep comparing them to Brandon or thinking about him instead. Or I think about him with someone else...I really don't think I'd be able to stop myself from killing her. Or him even. Especially since the "reason we broke up" was because he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Which is bullshit because he has plenty of time for all his other friends, just not me.

I want to go back. Back to when we didn't have problems. Back to when things were simple and happy. Back to when we would talk about anything and everything but not about problems because we didn't need to. Back when we would make up stories about our past lives or our future together. Back when he loved me like I love him.

I cried again tonight. I went back and reread some of the older posts and the saved messages. It really just made me hate myself so much more.

216

I feel

850pm

Surprised. Hurt. Happy. Crushed. Empty. Sad. Fulfilled. Tricked. Angry. Upset.

Leave the pieces when you go

712pm

Last night was so freaking great and made me so freaking happy. And I mean because he talked to me like he cared. Not because he said I was sexy and all that. Nice bonus, but I would have been just as happy without. But he wanted to talk to me! It felt so good. Why couldn't he have stayed that way? It was like he acted back when I was happy. Why did he have to go back to being crappy again today? Just another turn of the knife.

Speaking of, I'm off to play with the art blades. Oh, and to do my art project I guess.

1230am

SO FUHKING DEAD!

I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM!

I HOPE HE FUHKING ROTS IN HELL!