Relapse

1019pm

Shit. Shit. What the fuck is going on.

I can't get him out of my head. I really don't know what's going on.

It hasn't been like this. Not for weeks.

I've been trying to distract myself and keep myself busy, but he won't fucking leave my mind. I can't focus on anything; I end up just staring into space thinking about him in some way or another. What he's doing right now, what it's going to be like seeing him at competitions, what we used to do together, silly stuff we'd say and do, inside jokes we had, sweet things he'd say, the things we'd planned together, what he thinks of me now, and on and on.

I'm about to have an anxiety attack. My head is pulsing, my chest feels light, my breaths are short and my heart is racing.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!

I really don't get it. Even when we dated he'd never so completely consume my thoughts to this extent.

It's...really scaring me.

I don't know what it means or what I'm supposed to do.

I'm starting to feel sick now too and I want to cry.

Why is this happening now? Nothing's been different about today. I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. I sent him a message a couple hours ago reminding him to grab something from school for me that he agreed to a while ago. He didn't answer, but that's not new.

Though he didn't answer yesterday either.

Maybe...I don't know. It still wouldn't explain why it's happening now, but maybe...I'm not sure how to put it just yet...

When we broke up, he'd always said he'd still be there for me and be my friend and I won't lose him. And I think I always thought we'd get back together or at least stay best friends. But I think something inside of me crashed down and (subconsciously) realized that I've lost him. He's gone.

There's probably some things I should add that I failed to mention the other night. When I went to talk to Katie, she was with him. When he dropped her off, I tried to get him to talk too, that way he either couldn't lie or else could only lie to one of us so we'd at least know what he wants. He wouldn't come so I called him out on some things he's lied about concerning Katie right there and needless to say, he was absolutely pissed when he left. I've never seen him so mad at me. It killed me a little but also just made me mad, because it showed what I said was right. Anyway, I thought it would be a while before he would talk to me again.

But then around 5am, while Aaron, Katie and I (yes, everything worked out okay and Katie and I are friends...kinda) were watching So You Think You Can Dance, I got a message from him.

I was shocked.

I opened it, expecting something angry and hatful, and was blown away.

"Go outside and look at the stars. They're beautiful."

What?

I had no idea what was going on. Without thinking, I grabbed my jacket and walked to the door. Katie and Aaron of course gave me a look like I was crazy. I just said I'll be right back and kept walking.

On the way out, I tried to think of why he'd send that. I thought maybe he was outside or something. But I was at Katie's and he wouldn't know that.

He obviously wasn't outside, but I stood out there and stared at the stars for a moment. They really were beautiful.

I walked inside and I responded something like, "They really are. I wish I had my glasses so I could see them better."

I figured if he was outside my house, he'd say something about it. He didn't. So I don't think he was.

Katie and Aaron asked if anything was wrong when I walked in. They had thought I was on the phone. I told them Luke told me to look at the stars. I was talking to Luke too so they believed it. I didn't want to bring up Brandon again that night. It was, and still is, a difficult subject between me and Katie and she still doesn't know what she's going to do.

Brandon responded a few more times. We talked about how much more beautiful it would be in the country and he said he gets to see that at his farm. Then he said he's tired and going to bed.

And he said goodbye.

Goodbye. He knows how I feel about that word. I'm afraid of it. It seems so...permanent. We'd only say it to each other if we were either really mad or really hurt.

But I don't think he was either. I think he meant goodbye. To me.

I said goodnight in return and didn't think much about it. But now I am. And I think my subconscious knew it which is why I'm cracking now.

It just makes so much sense.

And it's just tearing me to shreds in a way I've never felt. It's more intense than when we broke up. Because, again, I thought we'd always be together in some way.

But now...

My mind is still going nuts with thoughts of him and my body is still freaking out.

And I've got at least an hour of digital design work to do on this project and an exam in art history I haven't studied for.

And it's 11.

I really needed sleep tonight. This was a bad night for everything to happen.

I've lost my best friend. I've never realized how much I need him, in any way, shape, or form, to be in my life. Not like this.

Please, not like this. Please.