Whisper

640pm

I think I'm going to be sick.

Went with Brandon to the park to go on a walk.

I really didn't know what to expect going into it.

I acted dumb a lot, taking his hat and all that. I'm afraid it annoyed him. And I didn't talk much. I was afraid to. I don't know what he wants or what he's thinking anymore. I haven't for a while. Does he actually want to be friends now? Was I just filling up his time? Or was it more like reminiscing on an old memory? I didn't want to say too much and get too close again, only to have him drop and ignore me for a month or more. Again. If he'd just tell me...

It's like the rolls are reversed now from when we very first started seeing each other two Novembers ago. Now I'm self conscious about what he thinks and he's sure of himself.

But it was good I suppose. A lot better than it could have been. I was happy to see him again; I was happy to have him still be a part of my life, at least for now. I can't assume anything in either direction anymore so I'm leaving the option open.

But that question. It threw me at first. What I consider casual dating? I knew he didn't mean between me and him. That thought didn't even cross my mind. He has seemed to be appalled by the thought of us together lately with what Joel said about Florida to him and...whatever other example I can't think of now. I thought maybe he meant someone asked him to casually date. That one started to tear at my chest so I pushed it away. I ended thinking, hoping, he was either referring to something on here or about one of his friends.

Let me admit something really quick. There's only two reasons I post things on here about other boys. 1. To make Breanna happy. I want her to know I'm trying to get by. And I am. I'm trying... 2. To help Brandon. I don't want him to think I'm still hung up on him that way. It's not to make him jealous or to make me seem...I don't know, cool or something. I didn't even think of those until I was talking to Sam after I left the park about everything. I want more than anything for Brandon to be happy. And by holding on to him in that way, I felt like I was holding him back. I just want him to be happy.

Which is why I am crashing now. Why Sam had to call me to keep me together and talk me through it.

I encouraged him to date another girl. Paulina, who asked him to casually date.

And I meant it. I don't ever lie. That is, unless I tell someone I'm okay. Then I'm likely to be lying. But I meant every word. It's just that every word ripped another hole in me.

He doesn't like the idea of casually dating. I told him it would likely turn into a real relationship. And I told him, if he liked her, he should say yes.

It took everything I had not to shatter right there.

He pointed out that I was shaking when he hugged me after that to leave. It was cold, yes, but this uncontrollable tremor was so much more than that. I can stop myself from shaking in the cold. I couldn't do it. I could not stop it.

I'll be back later. I'm going out with people to distract me so I don't do anything stupid. Like cry. Good Lord.

704

1244am

Let me just start out by saying Indian food is amazing. Now moving on...

Sam called me on my way home from the park. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I saw that he sent me a message wishing me the best of luck and asking me to tell him how it goes. So I told him. "I think I'm going to be sick." That's when he called me.

I told him about what Brandon had asked and he wanted to know exactly how I responded. According to Sam, when a guy asks a girl a question like that, especially an ex, it's because he wants them to negate it. To tell him no, it's a bad idea, or even to tell him her feelings of liking him. First of all, I don't buy it. Second, if that was the case, Brandon should know I would never do that. I'd never stand in the way of him and another girl for my sake. And even still, he should know how I feel already. No matter much I say I would never ever take him back and no matter how much I wish that was true, it's pretty transparent. I can not change it. And God knows I've tried. So. Like I said. Not likely.

Another conclusion as to why he could have asked me was to make me jealous. Well congradu-fucking-lations. It worked.

But I give him more credit than that, whether I should or should not. The reason I'm going with is because he honestly wants my opinion. That could be because I'm older and in college, it could be because he trusts me to be honest, and it could be because he sees me as one of his closer friends (which, because of the past, I have a very tough time believing).

But who am I to judge, right? There's nothing I can do about it. I'll continue to try to hang on to the fringes of his life. I won't push or pressure him into anything but I'll be sure to not fall away completely.

I forgot to give him is birthday present today. It was funny though, how much we talked about it and he had no idea. It's small and cost waaaaay more than it should have, but I'd been looking for it for a very long time. And I know he'll like it at least a little bit. I just wish he could have gone on the 18th.

So my original plan was to not tell him what we're doing. Because it's something that I could see him canceling with me to go to. If he cancelled (which he did) I would still go (I want to see it regardless) and see if he showed up too. But how shitty is that?

I also wanted his motivation to go with me to be to spend time with me. Not only to see it. Which is less shitty and more selfish. Kind of. Actually, no. That is plenty reasonable.

But since he did cancel, I'll go ahead and say on here what it is. And If he asks me because he hasn't seen this, I'll tell him.

It was to go see the CCM Faculty Jazz Concert up at school. Everything about that just screams Brandon. CCM, James Bunte, Rick VanMatre, Jazz. It would have been amazing for him to see. Which is why I asked him so far in advance. I figured if it was that early, he'd be able to get out of or reschedule his practice. So either neither of those options were possible or just seeing me alone wasn't worth it. *sigh...

I had I dream...I think Friday night that I died. I want to talk about that eventually. But not tonight. I just don't want to forget. Also I kind of want to talk about Katie's this past fall. Kind of don't too. It's not an issue really anymore, but I want it recorded. I should have done it back then.

Ps. There's going to be a big time gap by the end. It's because I watched Avon and Broken Arrow, then did some of my Form homework. It doesn't actually take me that long to type; I'm just easily distracted.

I've been mentioning Samir a lot, so I might as well say why. I'll forget eventually.

Last night I bailed on Max's party to hang out with Sam. Erin broke up with him at the end of last week and he is absolutely crushed. He turned to me for help because I'm one of his best friends and one of Erin's. What he didn't realize (and neither had I until we talked) was that I was perfect for helping him. He's basically going through what I did but on a much smaller scale. He's losing sleep, losing his appetite, falls to pieces when he's alone, and is making every stupid mistake I did.

Anyway, we talked for a couple hours. First he told me everything he's going through, what he's said, and what he's done. His problem was that he was very controlling. He overwhelmed Erin in the relationship and acted immature after it. So similar but different.

Then I told him my story. He's the only person I've really told this much to other than Breanna. I did leave out all the crap Brandon's done to me though. It was irrelevant. I focused more on the kind of relationship we had had and how I dealt with the break up. I put 90% of the blame on myself for everything that happened and I completely believe that.

It was mostly my fault. I expected way too much of Brandon because that's what I was used to from earlier in the relationship. I came off angry when I often wasn't. I always assumed the worst because I never knew what he was thinking. I didn't trust him when he was really the person I should have trusted more than anyone--that's what you do in a relationship. I'd just been hurt by that so much before with Joseph and Clayton, I couldn't get past it. After we broke up I tried to force us back together. I smothered him and spoke without thinking it through. I basically pushed/scared him away more and more every day. I can't blame him for ignoring me. I was so stupid about it. I'm ashamed I acted the way I did and almost regret it. But hey, I learned from it. It helped me grow. I try to never regret anything. Try. Try as I might, losing him is a hard thing not to regret.

Nothing of the above applies to me anymore though. Oh, well I still make assumptions, but I don't make them the truth. Only an option. I leave all doors open until they're prove right or wrong. I've fixed my problems and in those aspects, I'm a much better person. It came with a high price though. No confidence, a feeling of numbness, and no self worth make me quite the downer when I'm around some people. Now when I'm with my friends, all that is gone--I play the part of someone happy, in control, and sure of herself. I just have to figure out how to go back to how I used to be last year and be that way around my family, people any status less than friends, and Brandon. He will either be the most difficult or the easiest, depending on how he acts toward me. I'll just do the best I can :]

So I pretty much told Sam what not to do.

Unfortunately, he's already done quite a bit of it. :/ Erin is borderline creeped out by him now and I'm not sure he can change that. I'm going to do everything I can to help but there's only so much I can do. Erin's very stubborn. I'm not sure if he can change her mind.

Crap. It's 310. I wanted to lay down to sleep by 130 originally so I could fall asleep by 3 maybe. I didn't want to be so tired tomorrow. So much for that. Let's shoot for 4 so I can get 3 1/2 hours of sleep, shall we? That would be nice still. More than some nights...

Poker Face

Yeah, the song's just stuck in my head. It has nothing to do with the post.

213am

Some tidbits:

Katie and I are fine now. She sent me a message yesterday saying sorry for acting all crappy and such and we talked for a bit. So that's cool I guess. It didn't make too much of a difference to me. Though I suppose it does make me feel a little better knowing she's not mad at me for anything. Yeah, that does take a little weight off I think. Still, it's not like I ever see her.

Then again I may next Tuesday. She'll probably be there to watch.

I'll go to the Beechwood jazz concert I guess. But I am bringing Erin. Or someone at least. I really don't like going to these things. I feel like all the kids look at me and think, "Why the hell is she here? Doesn't she have a life?" And yes, I do, about half the time. But when I'm not at school doing work or hanging out with people in the dorms or wherever, I don't have a life. I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing like every other night. Tuesdays are one of those nights.

But I'll go. Joey will be happy to see me. And I tend to get a bunch of other people coming up to me to say hi at these things really. There's just that awkwardness before all that I can't stand. And Brandon may actually acknowledge me this time.

Maybe. We're kind of on better terms and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. It seems like every time we start to be friends again, he up and leaves, so to speak. And a part of me crashes.

But just a part now. I've finally figured out how to isolate it at the very least. It's happened enough times for me to sort that much out.

On the Ryan subject, I was right when I said I didn't think he'd date in college. He, a bunch of our friends and I were drawing Friday and somehow dating got brought up. Somewhere in there, he stated he was interested in some people at school, but doesn't want distractions. NOW WHERE THE HELL HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?! Haha. But it didn't bother me at all. Just a crush, no big :)

Um, what next. Oh, this past weekend. Wow.

Went to a party at Sigma Chi Saturday with Chad, Sam, and Erin. I found out about it 15 minutes before so I looked crappy. Jeans and a striped shirt, minimal makeup, eh hair. But I said I'd go. Who cares, right?

I drank. Quite a bit. And it did absolutely nothing to me. My guess is it's because I feel like my head is spinning all the time now. I'm used to the tipsy feeling. It was no big deal.

But the "main event" of the party happened on the dance floor.

At these parties, I tend to only dance with one of my friends. I can't stand the grinding crap most guys prefer and my guys know better than to try that with me. I was dancing with Chad that night obviously, since Erin and Sam would be dancing together, and Chad needed to leave to use the restroom. I went outside then. Better to stand awkwardly alone outside where it looks like I could be getting some air rather than in the packed dance room.

Jason, Chad's big brother in the fraternity, saw me standing alone and asked if I'd like to dance until Chad came back. Chad had introduced us earlier in the house and he and I had talked for a good while, so I knew he was a cool guy. Pre-junior, 21, digital design major at DAAP, funny, and easy-going. I said sure.

Dancing with him was so much fun! He kept a little space between us and he'd grab my hand and do silly things like spin me. It was hilarious. Chad came back and had found our friend Stephanie and was dancing with her. I was more than perfectly fine with that and stayed with Jason. We'd sing along to the songs, laugh at the drunk people, and do goofy stuff while we danced. We went outside after a bit to cool off and walked to his room so he could grab something for a friend. We talked the whole time and ended up sitting in his room talking for a while. He was so easy to do that with. He talked easily and actually seemed interested in everything I had to say as if I was interesting. HA!

I called Chad then to make sure he hadn't left. Erin and Sam did already and I was staying the night in Chad and Sam's room. He said he was alone in the library...? I was really concerned so Jason and I went down to make sure he was alright. He clearly wasn't be kept insisting he was. Jason and I both knew that. He wasn't going to admit it and we both also knew it was better to just let him go for a bit when he's like this. So we told him we were going back down to dance. He said alright and we figured he'd come too after some time. Around one we found out he had left. Well crap, I'd be stuck walking all the way across campus, alone, in the rain. Jason realized this and asked if I'd like to stay on the couch in his suite in the house. I told him that was fine with me and he called Chad to let him know. Chad was really short with him so he was still in a bad mood clearly. But later he sent Jason a message saying to take care of me please. He can be so sweet sometimes.

Jason and I hung out and talked until six when we both fell asleep, still both on his bed. It wasn't weird or uncomfortable or anything. I felt gross though when I woke up, still in my jeans and t-shirt from the night before, my hair everywhere, and the little bit of makeup I had put on smeared. Jason must have felt me wake up because he sat up then as well with a "hey beautiful," a small smile, and no hint of sarcasm. *swoon

He went with me back to Daniels so I could get my keys and wallet from the boys' room. He went back once we got there but gave me a small kiss first. :]

I called Chad so he could let me in the dorm. He was still in a bad mood. And when he got down there, he checked me in and went back up without saying anything or hugging me. So he was mad at ME?!? I grabbed my things and left, hoping his coldness maybe wasn't meant for me. Then later, his status said something about his big being an ass. Well shit. So he was mad at the both of us. I tried to talk to him Sunday but he wouldn't answer. Jason had tried the same and got the same result. Finally he answered when I asked if he'd have lunch with me Monday so I could talk to him. He said yes. Jason told me he ended up talking to him Sunday night as well. He said it was a misunderstanding. Ish.

Chad thought I had ditched him. Or, more of what he was leaning towards, Jason had stolen me. Apparently Chad likes me more than I've realized.

I got to lunch Monday to find everything to be perfectly fine. He had invited other people so he obviously didn't want to bring it up again. I asked Jason about it and he said they were all good now too. So everyone's back to the way it was before (besides Jason and I ;D ) so it's all better.

Wow, that took a lot longer than I expected. So much for tidbits.

Subjects from...huh, I guess it's last week now.

Okay. So. I kind of touched on this earlier, but being at home sucks. I don't watch tv anymore and I have my own computer so there's no reason to be downstairs. I stay in my room, lying in bed, doing something or another on the computer. I'm always watching something, on facebook, working on digital, listening to an audiobook, or writing on here. Though I usually save the last one for when I can't sleep. Which is every night really, but I don't always feel like typing. Anyway, my parents complain they never see me so occasionally I take my computer downstairs and sit on the couch. It sucks. And this is why I'm always at school. I can't wait to move into my house next fall...

Mask. I don't remember what I was going to say about this. I've pretty much covered the fact that I'm always wearing one, but there must have been something specific. I don't know. But I have realized something over the past few days. I think the mask has...melted? Blended? Been absorbed into me? Not sure how to explain. But I don't think it comes off. I'll never be who I was before. I've changed. It's not necessarily bad. Not necessarily good. Just a change. I like who I am now too, just not my life, per say. I find it easier to talk to people now, but I'm not as open. I'm a lot more understanding now. My self esteem has been shattered, but I care less about how I look and act, if that makes sense. It may just be that people are so much less judgmental here. Or not. Either way, that's how it is now. I go through each day in a haze, but it does help speed along the time. And I can break out of that state when I am around friends now. That brings me to another one of the topics; I'll move on.

So when I'm not with friends, I pretty much only feel numb or in pain. That's it. Nothing at all or like I'm being crushed and destroyed. I need school and friends as a distraction from the pain, and to relieve me from the numbness. None of my problems have faded or ended in the tiniest bit, but I know how to suppress them. To pretend like that don't exist. Basically I'm in denial. I really don't have much more to say on the subject tonight.

Ah, what's next. Oh, getting annoyed. Yes, people annoy me now. I lost quite a bit of my patience it seems. Patience for dumb people anyway. But much more patience for waiting.

I don't text much anymore. Well, false. I do, but not by my power. I rarely, if ever talk to people first, which isn't anything new, but I also don't always answer people, whether on purpose or accident. I tend to forget about my phone a lot of the time. So with people like Breanna or Alex, sometimes I forget I got a message for a while. Then with people like Troy or Ian, once they say something that doesn't require an answer, I'm finished. It would make me feel bad, but they annoy me. So oh well.

I came to notice something the other day: there is something wrong with me. Ha, well there's a ton of things wrong with me, but I mean it in a specific way. Another way someone might put it is that I date crappy boys. But I don't feel that's it. I think it's my fault. Hm. I'll use examples.

Joseph cheated on me with Brianna then left me for her. Of course in his case, he came back to me crying and apologizing.

When I broke up with Clayton, he wanted it too. I found out a couple days later that is was because he like Katie can't-pronounce-her-last-name. Who he dated next, I might add.

Brandon was "talking" to Katie Teremi for almost two months while we were dating then continued to play me and lie about it for a month after we broke up.

So clearly I must repel boys somehow. Well, it seems more like I attract them (way more than I'd like to), then once they are with me for a while, they're either so bored or so repulsed that they have to go find another girl. Lovely.

Huh, I never really talked about that last example. I hardly even touched on it. Can't imagine why... :p I only mentioned the night at Katie's months ago, never what was said. I'll need to do that at some point.

So that old list is gone. Or good enough as. I'm done with it anyway. I have an art history test tomorrow and have to get up early. I should go to bed. Sleep tight.

350

I Dreamed a Dream

1234am

Hm, of course this would happen. Especially after last night's post. I'm going to be vague again tonight for a couple reasons. I don't want to jinx anything and it's something I'm afraid to admit to myself. Here we go.

My dream:

...I don't want to type right now. I'm now in a lot of pain. I don't want to talk about it. As if you don't know already.

158

Friday 324pm

I'm going to pull myself even further away form what I meant to talk about like three days ago.

I found a ring today. A delicate silver ring, simple, but somehow ornate. The center held a beautiful blue gem enveloped in a silver heart and the band was slightly bent.

When I saw it, I was fairly certain I was going to pass out. Or get sick. It was a very uneasy feeling either way. I was also very confused. Around four months ago when I took it off for the last time, I hid it from myself. And it worked. I never looked for it, but I had forgotten where I had placed it, as intended. The first two months were a total blur. School and Luke and Tanner were the only things keeping me sane. Other than them, I remember very little. But then I see the ring this morning. It was sitting in my ring box with all my other ones, as if it belonged there. It most certainly does not. I was confused though, because I pick rings to wear from the box all the time and I've never noticed it. And there is no way that's where I hid it.

I picked it up and my head was spinning. I couldn't bring myself to put it on, but at the same time, I couldn't put it back down. I walked downstairs just staring at it until I realized I was running late (Ha, what's new?).

It wasn't until I was sitting in Art History this morning that I realized I had it on. Or that it was on my right ring finger. I never wear rings on that finger on either hand. It doesn't feel right for whatever reason. But there it was. And I had no problem with it. I unconsciously fiddled with it all throughout the day after that. I tried moving it to my left hand, but it was literally like two opposing magnets being moved near one another. It wasn't going to happen.

I would rather I hadn't found it. It reminds me all the things I try to suppress. Another time, another life, another dream. It doesn't belong in my life anymore. When I get home...actually, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. On one hand, I never want to see it again, never want to go through this again. On the other hand, I can't imagine giving or throwing it away. I think I might put it in a hinged ring holder and hide it at the bottom of my jewelry box. Takes care of both, right?

So my dream the other night. It's going to sound weird, don't judge me. Although if you were going to you surly would have by now.

In the beginning of the dream (well, I don't actually remember dreaming this, but later in the dream I was remembering it as if it had happened earlier) I was with...oh right, I'm supposed to be vague. I was with a guy. It didn't look like him in the dream, but it was as if he did, if that makes sense. He wasn't even human but it didn't make a difference whatsoever. We were...not dating, but liked each other I guess. We were happy together. I'm not sure why it would be him; I have no feelings like that toward him at all. Er, I haven't in quite a while anyway. Though maybe it was more of a memory kind of thing. Dunno. But I don't remember much of that or even if I actually dreamed it.

Some things happened I now forget, but later, there was a fight breaking out. Or maybe more like a small scale war. It was between three different types of monster? or not humans anyway. But again, this didn't weird me out or anything of the sort. I don't remember what kind of...monsters they were, but I know one bared arrows, one had handheld weapons, and the last group used some kind of magic maybe? They didn't have weapons so maybe it was just hand to hand fighting for them. There were maybe twenty or thirty of each type and they hated each other. I want to say it was because they weren't the same "race" but I don't know for sure.

This is so hazy now, I apologize.

I was on the side of the big guys with handheld weaponry. I wasn't fighting, I was human. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was the only human in the dream. But I was cheering for them I suppose. Then I saw the leader of that group. Well, he wasn't the leader necessarily, but he was the main fighter. He led his group. I'm slightly less surprised of who this was but still was. He, again, didn't look like he actually does just like the first guy, but I recognized him like he'd always looked this way. It made no difference to me.

Instantly I wanted the fighting to stop. I couldn't stand for him to get hurt. This is going to be hard to explain. I knew him, I loved him, but I had lost him and thought I would never see him again. But now I had. Obviously.

Embarrassing as this is, it was much like Twilight. Or New Moon rather. Probably because I read all four books these past two weeks. God, I do hate comparing it to this, but it was like when Edward came back. That feeling of suddenly being whole but almost not being sure it was real. That, and the other guy didn't matter anymore.

He, the second guy, saw me that instant as well. He ran up and embraced me and murmured something about him not believing it could be true. After that he wouldn't let me go, though the dream only lasted maybe fifteen minutes more. No matter what, he was holding my waist or my hand or something; we always had contact.

The fighting somehow was stopped then. I'm not sure why but everyone was then cool with each other haha. But for that fifteen minutes or so, everything was perfect. The feeling was just like that of Bella's and Edward's. They mutually cared about each other more than anything in the world; nothing was going to change that. God, I feel so lame comparing this to that. But you get the point.

He and I talked to other people from the other races and his own and all was great. We stared into each other's eyes a lot too, cliche as that sounds. His eyes were the same as they are in real life. He has very beautiful eyes and have always thought that so I was perfectly okay with this. But yeah, that's how the dream went until my damn alarm clock went off and RUINED EVERYTHING.

Now the dream compared little to real life, but it was just wonderful to care about someone who cared about you just as much. Makes me wonder about him, just a little ;]

And that was my dream. I'll eventually get back to that list I made however many nights ago and finish that up, promise. Now I've got to get back to drawing. Ew.

428pm

No Turning Back

I want to say something on here. But, I'm afraid if I do, things will change. And I'm not sure I can go back to that.

Please don't forget about me.

For Good

1121pm

Early start tonight. I got done with my projects really early for some reason. Ah well, I like 'em.

Ha, so for starters, Katie just cracks me up. I'm not going to get too much into it because it's stupid and she apparently has issues, haha. But she shouldn't flatter herself so much. I wasn't talking about her, I was referring to someone else. But that little freak out was hysterical. I'm not sure why she's suddenly opposed to me; we haven't even spoken in months. If that's why, then it's just as much her fault as mine. But nothing lost there. I know her better than most people. The act was getting annoying. She's not that dumb. Nor is she that humble. Clearly, haha, by her little spaz back there. Ha, God, it was just so funny! At least it brightened up my day. I'll leave Aaron to deal with her. Hehehe...

Ha, okay, enough of that. Back to serious time.

...

hahaha...

I just can't stifle this! Give me a moment. I'll be back in a bit.

Alright, played some music, got to thinking--always a bad thing-- and now I'm ready to continue from...last night was it? I don't have any idea. Days all blend together. They're all exactly the same...

I want to talk about Daniel first. He wasn't on the list, but Chad and Ryan were and it made me think of this.

He's a creep. And I'm over dealing with it. No Daniel, I don't like it when you press your hips against me and moan when you hug me. Freaks me the fuck out. And no, I don't want to come to your room at night when your roommates are gone.

I'm not one to be mean to people or ignore them, but I've just quit answering him now. I avoid him and constantly come up with excuses and he doesn't seem to get it. I just don't have it in me to tell him to GO AWAY. Luckily Erin and Ryan get it and help me when he's around. I just love those two so much :]

How about Chad next. Hm, that boy. He was my confidant at school for a long time. I don't get to see him quite as much anymore, but my point is, we can talk about anything. We've talked about dating and I've told him he's just not someone I can date. For one, he doesn't know how to be the right kind of immature. That sounds odd. I mean he doesn't really goof off. He does in a flirting kind of sense maybe, but not like playfully hitting each other/swim in a fountain/discuss ridiculous impossibilities like it's true kind of immature. The fun kind. He also is a big drinker. Turn. Off. And he's stubborn as hell and has a slight lying problem. But other than that he's great! Haha. Which is why I love being his friend.

Back to my original point, we're very comfortable around each other. It's definitely not the usual kind, and if someone were to see us sometimes, they'd think there was something going on. Like the other day when I went to visit him, Joel, Sam, and Hao. Well, of course Hao wasn't there...crazy Chinese boy...but the other three were. Chad asked my to join him on his bunk and I did so without hesitation. Ha, the other two were peeved, but I reminded them I spent an hour or so the day before just with them. And I through at them that they ganged up on me, pinned me down, and tickled me. Not something I was going to readily repeat.

I guess I'm really comfortable with all three of them. All for good reason. Joel and I almost had something in the beginning of the year. But frankly, I just wasn't whole yet. Not that I am now, but duct tape sure does go a long way ;D And Sam is one of my best friends at school. And dating probably my best friend there. I just love those two together! :) Sorry, tangents.

I laid down next to Chad and he wrapped his arms around me. It's something I'm used to from him and it felt nice. He asked me about my day and my heart and made sure I was alright. He's absolutely terrified I'm going to die and constantly insists I get a doctor who will actually do something. But in the doctor's defense, he's busy because he's good. So yeah, if I have to wait two or three months between appointments...yeah, okay, it's miserable, but what can I do?

Moving on. He and I went to see a movie the other night, The Book of Eli. Good movie indeed. But during it, he put his arm around me. I stretched out on the other chairs and leaned in to him. It was totally cozy and totally not a big deal. And at the end before we got up, he kissed the top of my head and said let's go. But it wasn't like we were on a date. The whole time it was just like friends. We didn't hold hands, there was space between us when we walked, and we talked about every day things. It's like Luke all over again. Only less like a brother and more like a friend. Either way, I love it.

I love it even more that I'm not hurting him or leading him on and he's still cool with it. He's told me he fully understands that I don't want to date and also that it wouldn't be possible probably anyway. Kate is borderline obsessed with him. I'm not about to start another guy fight with her. And he knows all about the last one so he knows better as well. But especially now that she and I are on good terms and even hang out.

Keeping a little more distance between us when she's around was like second nature. Not like we're trying to hide something; we didn't talk about it, we both just did it like we knew we should. We're just trying not to start anything. Even the tiniest accusation in her mind. He's talked to me about her too. He likes having her as a friend and doesn't want to ruin that. At the same time he doesn't want to be more than that. Whatever the case, I am so not getting involved. He's on his own there.

Yeah, so. It's just nice. I love how concerned he is about me. And I love I don't have to worry about leading him on by being his friend. With some other guys, I feel like I have to be careful. It's like once they tell me they like me, I have to watch everything I do so I don't somehow "say" the wrong thing.

Dumb ass boys. What are they thinking anyway? I'm hesitant and not confident, quiet unless I know them really well, awkward, I stutter or mumble words, I'm goofy and like weird things, I over think and try too hard or not at all, I have horrid hearing, and I'm constantly falling apart. I am broken. How do they not get that? Even them being physically in to me makes NO sense. And don't you argue Breanna. I'll kick your cakes. I'm thin but have broad shoulders which makes me weirdly proportioned, my skin is just awful and oily all the time, my hair never ever does anything right, my chin is pointy and my nose is bigish, one eye squints when I smile and my arms and hands are veiny. I do not get it. I always feel like I'm so crappy looking.

Good Lord, I'm off topic yet again.

I guess I'll stay on the boy subject for one more topic though. I still have Ryan on the list. Ryan as in Finke, not my brother.

I go back and forth with him. You see, I've got a crush. The thing is, this isn't like whoever over the past couple months. The "problems" I've had in that aspect these past four ish months figured out. I just haven't like a guy in the month or three weeks or however long it's been since they've been figured out. Well, there was Ian, but I knew going into it it wasn't right. Like Chad. I just didn't do anything since I knew he was leaving soon. Wow, that is just awful. I'm a terrible person.

Ryan's...different. It feels more normal. Usually, I'm friend's with a guy for a long time before I start to really like him or date him. Brandon was a...fire.

But I have been friends with him for a while without thinking of it in any other way. Then right before break, I found myself wanting to spend more time with him. It wasn't an obvious thing, but I'd find myself talking to him more, asking him if he wants to join us for things etc. I didn't even notice I was doing so until we went ice skating on break. Driving there with Erin, I couldn't figure out why I was so excited to go. I figured it was only because I hadn't seen him or Tim in a week, quite a big deal for the four of us. But when I saw him, I immediately ran up and hugged him first. It clicked then. And I felt stupid for not noticing it sooner.

I've had art history with him already, but I joined his form class this quarter as well. Not on purpose, mind you. I couldn't take mine from last quarter because of marksmanship. I joined Chad's then, which I was happy to hear was Ryan's as well. I actually tend to spend more time with Ryan than Chad in there.

Ryan makes me happy to be around him. He's optimistic, honest, funny, ethical, smart, responsible, silly; an all around great guy. He's always in a good mood. He's religious but not in a dominating way. He's the right kind of immature. But he knows how to be serious. He gets great grades. He already is getting jobs in digital design. He just got an internship with a London company. He can cheer anybody up and he's not afraid to be himself. I really wish I was more like him.

He writes too. Kind of like this but a lot smaller and less often. From what I've seen anyway. But just about his thoughts. He put one as a note on facebook the other day. It was maybe twenty lines talking about how he wishes people could talk about real things, things that matter. To have an actual conversation with people rather than all the petty stuff. How great is that? I couldn't agree with him more. I'm going to have to start conversations with him more about the real things, rather than only Chad, Erin, and Alex. They tend to be the people I go to for everything while at school.

Oh! This weekend was great! Friday, while I was with Chad, Joel, and Sam, Ryan asked me to come hang out. I hadn't seen his Pokewall yet so he wanted me to come see it. While I was up there, he asked if I would come toss the frisbee with him and four of his friends, one girl and three boy. I'd met one guy before at Alex's party but I didn't know any of the others. We stood in a circle on one of the big fields and tossed and talked.

They are a great group of people. Maria asked me to join the frisbee team. Apparently they're really good. I told her I couldn't because of my heart issues, but we exchanged numbers and she told me I should check it out anyway, that with my arm, I may not have to run at all haha. I told her to keep me posted. I really would love to if I can.

Near the end, everyone kind of closed in and started just talking. Somehow, the frisbee ended up away from us and I offered to get it. Ryan popped out of the little talking herd and called for me to throw it to him. Suddenly, we were like intensely throwing back and forth, running all over the field. Before we had only stood and I didn't know how my heart was going to take it. But everything was great! I had so much energy and was really having fun. It was a rush like I haven't had in a long time. It was funny though. It had been freezing the day before but Friday was really nice. We were overly prepared and were both shedding layers while the frisbee was in the air. The guys yelled at us and asked if we were playing strip frisbee. We all started cracking up and it became hard to throw because we were laughing so hard and were out of breath so we brought it in. It lasted about five minutes of straight running and throwing all over the field without stopping. It was just great. I'm not even sure how else to word that.

Ryan had to take me to his room after that to grab my computer bag because I was headed out and he was off to one of the guy's dorms. Before I left, he told me he had fun. Then he added, especially at the end. Sure made me smile. :]

The next day, Saturday, I was at UC again. Ryan called me and asked if I wanted to draw with him and Tim. I did for a bit but then I was supposed to go to a youth group thing with Alex. Ryan said he goes there too and offered to take me. It was a good 20 minute walk there just us two. The whole night was good. We were with a bunch of people the whole time but it was a good time. Great people. Especially Ryan, Alex, Tiny, and David. Then again, I'm bias towards my friends ;)

Late that night we were in Alex's room and him, David, and Ryan were going to play Star Craft. Tiny and I were going to watch. They all had to pick nick names for it and I suggested peaches to Ryan. And of course he gave me that, excuse me? look he always does when I bring up peaches. You see, one day in art history, Laura have me too much peach lotion and I wiped it on Ryan. It was very scented and shimmery :) He was not a fan and we'd tease him about it. So obviously I was shocked when he actually typed in peaches to the computer. Shocked I tell you. But it pretty much made my night. It was very funny.

And I'm not reading too much into this, promise. It could just as easily be that he thought if he gave in, we'd stop teasing him about the peaches. And he invites me places because I am his friend. And yeah, who doesn't think it fun to really get into a game. I'm not getting ahead of myself by any means. But it's nice to think someone you like may like you back.

Would I actually date Ryan? I'm not sure actually. For a couple reasons. I'm not really sure if he would want to date anyone. Or if he has dated anyone. He's not nerdy or awkward or anything like that, he's just...well behaved. And he went to St. X. Girls are a little hard to come by there, hehehe. So I'm not sure that, even if he liked me too, he'd want to date or have the courage to say anything about it. He is brave or risky or however you want to put it, but I don't think he'd put himself out there like that. Especially if it's the first time.

The second reason is all me. After what I've...had, it's be hard to take anything less. Hm. I've explained this to Aaron, let me try again.

When Brandon and I touched the first time, my heart leaped. It was like fire or electricity running between us. Within less than a month I knew I was in love. It would be hard now to take a step back, to date someone I didn't feel that with. Granted I've never "touched" Ryan, as in I've never held his hand or wrote on his knee or any of that. So who knows. But until I do know, I don't think anything will happen. He's going to have to make that first move to find out.

I really don't see me falling in love again. Not in college I mean. Unless something happens instantly like with Brandon, I won't have time for it. Co ops start next year. I'll be gone, hopefully out of the state if not out of the country every other season. If I can bring myself down to having flings, that may work. But it's not something I'm interested in, at least at this point. But like I said, unless it's instant, which I doubt will ever happen again, I won't have time for it to happen.

Which sucks. Because I know that until I fall in love again, Brandon will always be at the forefront of my mind, my worries, my thoughts, my heart. And if he continues to be stand offish and feel nothing about me, it will only crush me more and more. --Hm, I'm sorry, that was kind of a guilt trip. Oh whatever. You know it already. It's not like hurting me is new to you.

I'm going to bed. I just put myself in a shitty mood. At least, for the most part, this was a happy post. That's something new.

157am

I Hate Everything About You

338am

Discuss:

Driving

Listening to songs

Staring at nothing

-Hit car

Numb and pain

False joy

Getting annoyed

Not talking

-Texting

Mask

House

Lying next to Chad

-Movie

Ryan

All cheat

EDIT:

1240am

Before I start on the aforementioned, I want to talk about tonight and last night.

Tonight I was taking a shower and I had my eyes closed to rinse off my face. Suddenly, the water felt as if it was being pulled away from me. I put out my hand right before I slammed into the wall. I wouldn't have realized I was falling if the water wasn't on me.

It happened a few more times before I got out. I was terrified and I wanted to cry. How easy it is for me to...lose myself? I'm not sure what it was. I was conscious, but my body responded as if I wasn't. Not having control over myself is truly frightening. Some of the above listed concerns this as well, but actually falling over like this, and so many times in such a short time span, it's taken it to a new level.

Last night's turn. He talked to me. By his own choice, not mine. I have to say, I was shocked. Heh, you should have seen me when I saw I had a message from him. I stared at it for a moment, not believing. Or in the very least thinking it was a mistake. My friend's there with me asked if something was wrong. I told them no, changed the subject, and said hi back once they were distracted.

He was concerned about me. He wanted to "check on" me. I still don't get why. He hasn't cared about my life these past four months; what's changed? To take it even further, he said he wished he had something to help and that he's sorry for talking to me when he's "useless," whatever that's supposed to mean. I just wish I could believe him. And deep down, I do. But the surface won't let me. It's just another empty line he's feeding me. Like when he didn't come up to me when I picked up my sister. "I wish I could make it up to you," he said. Ha. If he wanted to make it up to me, he would have talked to me again or made other plans with me, rather than leave me with false hope.

But last night, he really acted like he cared--saying he's sorry I'm going through this, asking if I'll be okay, being concerned about me walking. It does make me...not happy, but happier may be one way to describe it, that he said something. But after all that's happened, after the way he's treated me thus far, I have to believe there was an ulterior motive to this sudden concern.

I found out he still reads this. And if you read this one, I'm sorry, but this is how you appear. And since you don't ever talk to me and tell me anything, assumptions are all I have to go off of. Anyway, he said he reads it every couple months. I feel as though he only sent me anything because he felt guilty after the last one. It's not like talking to me is something he'd do on his own free will, God forbid.

I'm not sure if it was good or bad timing on his part. Earlier yesterday, I was trying to decide if I should erase him from my life that day or wait until he bails on the on the 18th. The ignorant, weak side of me keeps insisting he may actually see me. I should know better. But I'm going to wait now. To see for sure if last night was a fluke, a guilt trip, or he really does care suddenly.

Or has cared all along. There's this infinitesimally tiny piece of me buried so very far down in the darkness that tries to speak up whenever he does something like this to me. But that piece is so smothered by logic that I rarely hear it's weak whisper. It tries to tell me he's always cared. That maybe everything he has said it true. That maybe he really thinks it's better he doesn't talk to me, or he finds it too painful, or he really does need me to not be a distraction to his music, or some other reason I don't understand.

That small piece of me wants to believe that's true. But I know it's not. And that piece has become so insignificant, it doesn't even matter anymore. He's told me he doesn't love me. And he's shown me time and time again he doesn't care. I'm dying and it means nothing to him. ---ha, funny side note, Kyle sent me a message just now that said "I know you're dying inside," joking about him holding something against me. Thought it was ironic. I answered, "You have no idea," hahaha--- Last night had to have been guilt. Or habit maybe, though I think he'd be over that by now. Or maybe he's playing me. He knows I still care and he wants me to continue to do so. Who wouldn't? Everyone wants to be cared about, whether they'll admit it or not. So he's trying to keep that hope inside of me alive so I'll still want him. Then again, these are all simply options. I guess I'll never know. Just like I still don't know why he asked me to go look at the stars that night, so many lifetimes ago it seems.

Okay, now to get to my list.

I hate driving more than ever. And I'm doing it more than ever. And it's more dangerous for me than it ever has been.

When I drive, I don't see anything. Well, I "see," but I don't really pay attention. The other day I even hit someone. Luckily we were going slow and neither car was damaged. But I'm surprised I haven't wrecked yet to be honest. It's bound to happen soon enough and I've come close already more times than I'd like to admit. I stare at nothing when I drive. Often I forget part of the trip. Suddenly, I'm somewhere else, and I have absolutely no recollection of a section of the drive.

This happens daily too. I'll stare off in class without meaning to and miss everything that's said. But it's more than just not paying attention. It's as if that time span never happened.

This seeing but not seeing thing transfers over into music, which just kills me. Music is such an insanely large part of my life. But it has been months since I've listened to a song all the way through. I hear the song play, but I don't listen. It takes so much effort for me to really listen for more than ten or twenty seconds. I always lose it, and my mind goes elsewhere. Always to the same things. Every song reminds me of or relates to them.

I play music a lot less now. Pretty much only when I'm driving and some times when I'm working. Other than that, I tune in to the silence and try not to think at all. It's easier that way. Easier to get through each day, the less I let my mind wander.

I've been more aware lately that I switch between numb and pain. And that may be apparent from the posts on here. Some are filled with pain, sorrow, and anguish while others are more clear, logical, and heartless. Feeling nothing. I've just noticed that. That is all.

I'm sick of writing tonight. I'd rather read. I'll continue next time I'm in the typing mood.

233am

I Just Want to be Happy

1111pm

Make a wish.

Shit. We'll isn't that just my luck. Right when I went to make my wish, it changed to 1112. Fuck. My. Life. Please.

Funny, that somewhat correlates with what I was going to talk about. In short, earlier today(earlier tonight even) I was thinking about how I was becoming happy now. Now tonight I realized nothing has change.

But earlier, it seemed as though for a week or so, things were getting better. I was better able to suppress everything. I had guessed that it was because there was so much, it became unreal and rather not possible. Hm, that didn't make sense in writing. It's like what Stalin said about killing his people. Once the number became so insanely large, the murders didn't seem as bad. We aren't able to even imagine that high of an amount.

Earlier, I decided that's why all my problems didn't tear at the whole in my chest anymore. There's too many. My old problems of course: not being able to afford to go to school, not being healthy enough to do ROTC, this FUCKING heart problem that's causing me to have an anxiety attack right now.......Fuck. Better now, sort of. Good enough to suppress it and type. And to continue: people believing lies about me, my parents fighting, losing the person I care about most, worrying about him all the time because I know he's going through a lot, him not talking to me, completely losing direction and losing myself, and having no one to turn to. False-I have Breanna, but I can't stand making her worry about me. I know she has enough to deal with on her own.

But now I have added on all this crap with my stupid TA screwing up and failing me (which, thank God, will be fixed), having to pay all these bills, missing class because I am unable to drive, and to top it off, my mom being an alcoholic and cheating on my dad with Max's dad. It all just became too much. Too much to really believe it was true. That it could all be happening to me. There was not one aspect of my life that wasn't destroyed. I get lost in books, writing, facebook, Bleach, ect. Anything to escape reality.

But like I said, I was starting to feel happier. Like things were returning to normal. And maybe it wasn't, what I'm going to call, the Stalin rule. Maybe it was returning to school. Being able to get lost in my work as well. And being around people who truly care about me.

Then again, maybe...

I feel defeated saying it. I had convinced myself I was past it. Even if I really knew it wasn't true.

But maybe, maybe it was because I had a conversation with him. One where he didn't completely seem like I was wasting his time. It felt almost...normal. It really did make me happy. No, I was right before, it made me feel normal. All this shit that's happening to me, I refuse to let it be normal. It just can't be. I try to tell myself all the time, it'll be over soon. Like it's all a dream. Something will come along, wake me up and take all my problems away and I can be happy and carefree again. A little far fetched, huh? I just miss being happy so much.

My wish, the one I didn't get to make, I was wishing to make the hole go away. The gaping hole in my chest, the one that burns around the edges and threatens to cause me to collapse every time I'm reminded of anything. It takes all my energy to simply hold myself together every day.

As I said when I started, the past two ish weeks it's improved a bit. Things were going my way. I was having fun with friends, school was starting, I worked up the strength to talk to him a tiny bit, I love my classes, I was distracted for a while. Life was better.

It only took one tiny thing to make it all crash down again into shambles.

And I'm totally assuming all this which makes it even worse!

He said today in his status, 'And just when i thought that i had everything worked out and wasn't confused anymore....something happens and now i'm not sure anymore....dang it.'

What I wouldn't give for that to be about me. But I know it's not. And that makes me feel like I'm...I'm choking, I'm being cut across my chest with a dull knife, I'm getting hit in the gut with someone's full force.

Almost every day I wish this heart problem had taken my life months ago. How much easier that would have made everything. But now I have to hold on to life, no matter what I actually want. My dad has medical problems now too. And my sister cannot take my parents splitting up. Dying would completely destroy them.

My dad has told me, especially now, that I'm his reason for living. You're not supposed to pick favorites, but everyone does. When my dad was in his early 20's and his brother died of that hereditary heart disease, he wasn't going to have kids if he had it too. He didn't want to pass it on to us. But he tested negative for it. He wanted kids so that was a really big deal to him. Of course we know now he has it, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I was his first. He said I was his everything the second I came into this world. And of course now it doesn't hurt that I am very much like him. More than I realized. If I were to die, I have no doubt in my mind he'd have a hard time not declining too. I couldn't do that to him.

And now with this separation thing, I can't leave Taylor. She cries about it all the time; she wouldn't be able to handle it. And she's weak willed. She'd probably fall into drugs or drinking if they got divorced and I wasn't around. That just seems like the kind of thing she'd do. She's very much like my mom.

I love my mom to death, but she is weak. She turned to alcohol for her problems and craved attention to make herself feel better rather than fix the problems at hand. That is why we're in that particular mess.

So I can't bow out now. It's too late for that. Even if I have surgery and something goes wrong, I'm going to have to hold on to this shit hole of a life with everything I have. For them.

Sometimes I really, really wish I didn't care so much about everyone else. Chad's telling me all the time I need to start doing things for me and quit putting all my energy into making others' lives better. But I just can't. Especially not now. I have no reason to care about myself anymore.

I'm not going to talk about the other topics I skipped in the last post. As I said, they seem insignificant now. Plus, the two songs would belong better on my other journal on my profile here. Though that list on that specific post of fifty or so songs is ridiculous. I need to cut it down.

N E way. Not addressing them.

With love.

I'll be back!

1248am 1/5/10

Man, do I have a lot to say! But I never have time. I'll just jot down a few notes so I don't forget.

Sleeping

Ian

The dream

Change

-i hate everything about you

-the way i loved you

Early 1 something am 1/9/10

EDIT:

Okay. So I meant to type all this stuff a good two weeks ago or so but I really just wasn't up for typing. So let's hope I can capture everything I thought before now. Wish me luck....

So this whole sleeping thing. I don't know what to do. Here's the situation:

Even if I am tired, I can't fall asleep if I try.

Also I'm afraid to fall asleep for reasons I will address later.

I love to dream.

At the same time, I usually wish for a dreamless night so it will pass by quicker and I can avoid all the nightmares.

But I hate waking up in the morning to face another day and normally force myself back to sleep.

If any of this begins to make sense, please let me know. Because it's lost to me.

There's a couple reasons why I'm afraid to fall asleep. The most frightening right now is probably my heart. When I am still for a long period of time, my heart beats harder. Or maybe I'm more aware of it. I find that less likely because I am almost always doing/watching/thinking about something that occupies my attention. I don't think it speeds up too much until it starts to scare me.

When it beats like that--or I'm that aware of it or whatever--it almost actually hurts my chest, as if my left lung is being pushed into my ribs with every beat. I also feel like I'm choking, like someone has their hands around my throat. Which is one of my biggest fears. It freaks me out so much if someone puts their hands around my throat. On the other hand, I absolutely love when guys put theirs hands behind or on the side of my neck. I wonder why that is.

Another reason I'm afraid to fall asleep is because I don't want to spend another day faking everything and being so detached. Luckily school is starting to help again like last quarter, but dealing with my home life, the Ian issue I'll talk about later, and my friends outside of school are things I'd do just about anything to change. But that's another story for another time. I've probably covered most of it in past posts anyway. Ish.

The last reason I hate falling asleep is because of my dreams. Sometimes they're great and I love them. I've always loved dreaming in the past and it's really something I miss enjoying.

Now, most of my dreams are about painful memories and people, frightening nightmares about what could happen to me in the future, or bad situations and thoughts. Sometimes I'll wake up in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified, crying, or in pain. It's awful and frightens me.

But I have to sleep. It's my only escape, my only passage away from one day and into another. So I try to sleep as long as possible so I don't have to face reality quite as long. Ha, reality. What a joke.

Next on my agenda, Ian. That boy...

We started "talking" and I was really hesitant. Why is it that all my friends' past boyfriends start to like me? It's getting old. But he is a sweet guy and I was just really careful about it. After a while it started to make me really happy. I had a guy who cared about me that I actually liked back. It had been a long time it seems. It really sucked to know he was going back to school in South Carolina in a few weeks. We wouldn't be able to get an actual relationship going in that short time. But we tried to make the best of it with the time we had.

Then things started to change. He got way too into me way too fast. He wanted to spend hours upon hours with me every single day. Frankly, I just didn't like him that much. Even from the beginning I didn't really think he was a guy I'd have a serious relationship with but this was ridiculous either way. This is why I normally am friends with the guy for a while before dating him or talking to him like this.

There are too many things about him that aren't what I'm looking for. He's really hard to talk to, to relate to. He's very surface. Not in a superficial way, but he's not very deep when discussing anything. I don't feel like I can fully be myself around him and he's really big into kissing. Too much for me with him. Some of the things he says and does are really awkward and he can be really immature. For someone two years older than me, that worries me. He's also big into getting drunk-turn off- and does drugs sometimes-big turn off.

Don't get me wrong, he has a ton of great qualities as well. He's smart and so sweet. He's dedicated in the things he does and he's well rounded. He accepts everyone and is always trying to make other people happy. He cares a lot about me, even if I am broken (which he knows little about but still doesn't mind) and will talk to me or see me if I need him for anything. He also loves Avatar, Heroes, and Bleach as much as me. Gotta love that quality ;)

I just have high expectations, you know? I know what I want and what I'm looking for because I've had 90% of it. I just need to find another version of Brandon. One who won't lie to me, will be there for me, and cares about me as much as I do him. Every other quality is perfect. FML.

Okay so I had this dream a couple days before New Years Eve. I hope I can remember it as much as possible still. I should have written this sooner. I just wasn't up to it. I'll try my best now.

It started--or what I can remember of it--with me going to back to the high school for a specific reason. Only it wasn't Beechwood, but in the dream it was my high school. I had to pick up or receive something I think. I don't think I really knew why I was there specifically in the dream either. The room I was in reminded me much of the band room but it was smaller and not a band room. I sat for a while on part of the wall that jutted forward to make a wide seat and waited.

I don't know how they appeared or if they were already there and I just hadn't noticed them, but Vanessa, Brandon, and Liz Massie were in the middle of the room, three or four feet in front of me talking, I believe. But two of them were crouching I remember. So maybe they were looking at something. Or playing something. I'm not sure. They noticed me after a bit and I think may have said something. But it wasn't important and must have been short and not a big deal. Throughout this time, I didn't feel uncomfortable or dizzy or in pain or anything like I might have if this actually happened. I felt nothing. I was just there, waiting to do or get whatever I was there for.

Then a lady came (Bebe maybe?) and took me down some stairs and into another empty room. I think at this point I was under the impression I was going to preform in some way. Maybe like guard or dance or something, or possibly like a speech or interview kind of thing. I also think I changed clothes once in the new empty room. But maybe not. But I do remember I looked kind of crappy. Like I had just woken up. Minimal/faded makeup, messy hair, sweatshirt and...shorts maybe?

Anyway, then Brandon appeared. I'm not sure if he came down the stairs, from another room, or just appeared, I don't know. But he was there now. If I remember correctly, I felt happy. That was it.

We started walking up the stairs for a reason I can't remember. He may have said something to me first, or maybe not. We may have had a whole conversation, now lost to time. Dunno. So we walked up the stairs. We moved slowly and each stair was the size of two. On the vertical part of the third to last step there was a screen playing a clip. On each horizontal and a few of the horizontal parts, there was a picture from the clip of the portrait. I'll explain that in a moment. There seemed to only be like six steps, though we may have already gone up some when these started to appear.

The clip was only a few seconds long in and of itself. I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch against the wall in Brandon's basement. Behind me on the couch was a small boy who looked much like Brandon. Same dark eyes, same tanned complexion, same sweeping dark hair. To my left on the floor sat an even smaller girl, also with tanned skin but dark blonde hair and light eyes. Then behind her on the couch to the boys left was Brandon himself. We were giggling and smiling at the camera filming it, as if it was taking a picture. I remember even remember them...us? saying cheeeeeeeeeeeese all elongated as children do for pictures. There was a flash on the screen, the picture being taken no doubt, and the two kids became antsy. The girl ran off smiling and I helped the boy down who chased after her. Brandon and I were left on the screen, me kneeling in front of the couch, him sitting on it and leaning toward me, both of us laughing at the kids' enjoyment. Then the screen turned off.

We hadn't stopped walking, and like I said, it only lasted a matter of seconds. I turned to Brandon and asked him--though this is paraphrased now--if he had done this. Meaning set it up and all that. He had been looking at me the whole time I watched the video and at the question, looked away from me. He said no, in some form or another, and continued up the stairs looking at his feet. It was clear he had but I hadn't a clue in the world as to why. He didn't care at all for me as far as I knew and I didn't understand it at all. This is how I felt in the dream of course. It's just a dream so no use interpreting it now.

As for the clip, in the dream, it felt like a memory. Because I knew those weren't our kids. Gabriel and Kaida. They were random kids it felt like. As if we found them just to take that picture. A picture of what our future could look like. Again, in the dream it was a memory.

When we go up the steps it was just him and me. I sat on the seat from before and he sat next to me. I watched absently in front of me. Something was going on. Vanessa and Liz were there and doing something maybe? Or other random people? I don't know. Though my face and eyes were forward, I didn't really see anything. My attention was on Brandon to my left. He was watching me "watch" whatever was going on.

After some time I turned to him. I couldn't understand why he was so interested in me suddenly. Not like in more than a friend kind of interested, I mean his attention being on me. Being as critical as I am, I figured it was because the way I look. I apologized for looking like crap. I don't remember his response, but basically he didn't think I looked like crap. I looked back forward, now even more confused why he was acting this way. Though, I wasn't really confused. I was just trying to figure it out.

I remember clearly, I didn't feel anything. I thought about the clip and pictures over and over; I thought about him staring at me. It didn't make sense to me. He didn't want me, that was a solid fact in my head. So why was he doing this?

It astonished me, once I woke up though shortly after that (the end of the dream consisting of me staring forward but still seeing him watch me intently), that I didn't feel anything at all. I was so blank and detached. Like nothing mattered in my life any more and him being back in it wasn't going to change it. That's what it felt like. Just the feeling, the thought was not there and I don't think it ever would have been. That's just how empty and numb I felt in it.

I'm not going to analyze the dream. I'm not going to stress or worry about it. I just wanted to record it. He's often in my dreams, but rarely does it ever feel so...real. I've never felt the feelings so much. Not these kinds of feeling anyway.

*sigh

I'm physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy. I'm starting to feel my heart pound in my chest. I'm going to try to sleep. Aka, lie in the dark for and hour or so while thoughts eat away at my mind. I'll finish with my other points another time. Maybe. Or maybe not. They see insignificant now.

Sweetest dreams.

309am