Whisper

640pm

I think I'm going to be sick.

Went with Brandon to the park to go on a walk.

I really didn't know what to expect going into it.

I acted dumb a lot, taking his hat and all that. I'm afraid it annoyed him. And I didn't talk much. I was afraid to. I don't know what he wants or what he's thinking anymore. I haven't for a while. Does he actually want to be friends now? Was I just filling up his time? Or was it more like reminiscing on an old memory? I didn't want to say too much and get too close again, only to have him drop and ignore me for a month or more. Again. If he'd just tell me...

It's like the rolls are reversed now from when we very first started seeing each other two Novembers ago. Now I'm self conscious about what he thinks and he's sure of himself.

But it was good I suppose. A lot better than it could have been. I was happy to see him again; I was happy to have him still be a part of my life, at least for now. I can't assume anything in either direction anymore so I'm leaving the option open.

But that question. It threw me at first. What I consider casual dating? I knew he didn't mean between me and him. That thought didn't even cross my mind. He has seemed to be appalled by the thought of us together lately with what Joel said about Florida to him and...whatever other example I can't think of now. I thought maybe he meant someone asked him to casually date. That one started to tear at my chest so I pushed it away. I ended thinking, hoping, he was either referring to something on here or about one of his friends.

Let me admit something really quick. There's only two reasons I post things on here about other boys. 1. To make Breanna happy. I want her to know I'm trying to get by. And I am. I'm trying... 2. To help Brandon. I don't want him to think I'm still hung up on him that way. It's not to make him jealous or to make me seem...I don't know, cool or something. I didn't even think of those until I was talking to Sam after I left the park about everything. I want more than anything for Brandon to be happy. And by holding on to him in that way, I felt like I was holding him back. I just want him to be happy.

Which is why I am crashing now. Why Sam had to call me to keep me together and talk me through it.

I encouraged him to date another girl. Paulina, who asked him to casually date.

And I meant it. I don't ever lie. That is, unless I tell someone I'm okay. Then I'm likely to be lying. But I meant every word. It's just that every word ripped another hole in me.

He doesn't like the idea of casually dating. I told him it would likely turn into a real relationship. And I told him, if he liked her, he should say yes.

It took everything I had not to shatter right there.

He pointed out that I was shaking when he hugged me after that to leave. It was cold, yes, but this uncontrollable tremor was so much more than that. I can stop myself from shaking in the cold. I couldn't do it. I could not stop it.

I'll be back later. I'm going out with people to distract me so I don't do anything stupid. Like cry. Good Lord.

704

1244am

Let me just start out by saying Indian food is amazing. Now moving on...

Sam called me on my way home from the park. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I saw that he sent me a message wishing me the best of luck and asking me to tell him how it goes. So I told him. "I think I'm going to be sick." That's when he called me.

I told him about what Brandon had asked and he wanted to know exactly how I responded. According to Sam, when a guy asks a girl a question like that, especially an ex, it's because he wants them to negate it. To tell him no, it's a bad idea, or even to tell him her feelings of liking him. First of all, I don't buy it. Second, if that was the case, Brandon should know I would never do that. I'd never stand in the way of him and another girl for my sake. And even still, he should know how I feel already. No matter much I say I would never ever take him back and no matter how much I wish that was true, it's pretty transparent. I can not change it. And God knows I've tried. So. Like I said. Not likely.

Another conclusion as to why he could have asked me was to make me jealous. Well congradu-fucking-lations. It worked.

But I give him more credit than that, whether I should or should not. The reason I'm going with is because he honestly wants my opinion. That could be because I'm older and in college, it could be because he trusts me to be honest, and it could be because he sees me as one of his closer friends (which, because of the past, I have a very tough time believing).

But who am I to judge, right? There's nothing I can do about it. I'll continue to try to hang on to the fringes of his life. I won't push or pressure him into anything but I'll be sure to not fall away completely.

I forgot to give him is birthday present today. It was funny though, how much we talked about it and he had no idea. It's small and cost waaaaay more than it should have, but I'd been looking for it for a very long time. And I know he'll like it at least a little bit. I just wish he could have gone on the 18th.

So my original plan was to not tell him what we're doing. Because it's something that I could see him canceling with me to go to. If he cancelled (which he did) I would still go (I want to see it regardless) and see if he showed up too. But how shitty is that?

I also wanted his motivation to go with me to be to spend time with me. Not only to see it. Which is less shitty and more selfish. Kind of. Actually, no. That is plenty reasonable.

But since he did cancel, I'll go ahead and say on here what it is. And If he asks me because he hasn't seen this, I'll tell him.

It was to go see the CCM Faculty Jazz Concert up at school. Everything about that just screams Brandon. CCM, James Bunte, Rick VanMatre, Jazz. It would have been amazing for him to see. Which is why I asked him so far in advance. I figured if it was that early, he'd be able to get out of or reschedule his practice. So either neither of those options were possible or just seeing me alone wasn't worth it. *sigh...

I had I dream...I think Friday night that I died. I want to talk about that eventually. But not tonight. I just don't want to forget. Also I kind of want to talk about Katie's this past fall. Kind of don't too. It's not an issue really anymore, but I want it recorded. I should have done it back then.

Ps. There's going to be a big time gap by the end. It's because I watched Avon and Broken Arrow, then did some of my Form homework. It doesn't actually take me that long to type; I'm just easily distracted.

I've been mentioning Samir a lot, so I might as well say why. I'll forget eventually.

Last night I bailed on Max's party to hang out with Sam. Erin broke up with him at the end of last week and he is absolutely crushed. He turned to me for help because I'm one of his best friends and one of Erin's. What he didn't realize (and neither had I until we talked) was that I was perfect for helping him. He's basically going through what I did but on a much smaller scale. He's losing sleep, losing his appetite, falls to pieces when he's alone, and is making every stupid mistake I did.

Anyway, we talked for a couple hours. First he told me everything he's going through, what he's said, and what he's done. His problem was that he was very controlling. He overwhelmed Erin in the relationship and acted immature after it. So similar but different.

Then I told him my story. He's the only person I've really told this much to other than Breanna. I did leave out all the crap Brandon's done to me though. It was irrelevant. I focused more on the kind of relationship we had had and how I dealt with the break up. I put 90% of the blame on myself for everything that happened and I completely believe that.

It was mostly my fault. I expected way too much of Brandon because that's what I was used to from earlier in the relationship. I came off angry when I often wasn't. I always assumed the worst because I never knew what he was thinking. I didn't trust him when he was really the person I should have trusted more than anyone--that's what you do in a relationship. I'd just been hurt by that so much before with Joseph and Clayton, I couldn't get past it. After we broke up I tried to force us back together. I smothered him and spoke without thinking it through. I basically pushed/scared him away more and more every day. I can't blame him for ignoring me. I was so stupid about it. I'm ashamed I acted the way I did and almost regret it. But hey, I learned from it. It helped me grow. I try to never regret anything. Try. Try as I might, losing him is a hard thing not to regret.

Nothing of the above applies to me anymore though. Oh, well I still make assumptions, but I don't make them the truth. Only an option. I leave all doors open until they're prove right or wrong. I've fixed my problems and in those aspects, I'm a much better person. It came with a high price though. No confidence, a feeling of numbness, and no self worth make me quite the downer when I'm around some people. Now when I'm with my friends, all that is gone--I play the part of someone happy, in control, and sure of herself. I just have to figure out how to go back to how I used to be last year and be that way around my family, people any status less than friends, and Brandon. He will either be the most difficult or the easiest, depending on how he acts toward me. I'll just do the best I can :]

So I pretty much told Sam what not to do.

Unfortunately, he's already done quite a bit of it. :/ Erin is borderline creeped out by him now and I'm not sure he can change that. I'm going to do everything I can to help but there's only so much I can do. Erin's very stubborn. I'm not sure if he can change her mind.

Crap. It's 310. I wanted to lay down to sleep by 130 originally so I could fall asleep by 3 maybe. I didn't want to be so tired tomorrow. So much for that. Let's shoot for 4 so I can get 3 1/2 hours of sleep, shall we? That would be nice still. More than some nights...