I'll be back!

1248am 1/5/10

Man, do I have a lot to say! But I never have time. I'll just jot down a few notes so I don't forget.

Sleeping

Ian

The dream

Change

-i hate everything about you

-the way i loved you

Early 1 something am 1/9/10

EDIT:

Okay. So I meant to type all this stuff a good two weeks ago or so but I really just wasn't up for typing. So let's hope I can capture everything I thought before now. Wish me luck....

So this whole sleeping thing. I don't know what to do. Here's the situation:

Even if I am tired, I can't fall asleep if I try.

Also I'm afraid to fall asleep for reasons I will address later.

I love to dream.

At the same time, I usually wish for a dreamless night so it will pass by quicker and I can avoid all the nightmares.

But I hate waking up in the morning to face another day and normally force myself back to sleep.

If any of this begins to make sense, please let me know. Because it's lost to me.

There's a couple reasons why I'm afraid to fall asleep. The most frightening right now is probably my heart. When I am still for a long period of time, my heart beats harder. Or maybe I'm more aware of it. I find that less likely because I am almost always doing/watching/thinking about something that occupies my attention. I don't think it speeds up too much until it starts to scare me.

When it beats like that--or I'm that aware of it or whatever--it almost actually hurts my chest, as if my left lung is being pushed into my ribs with every beat. I also feel like I'm choking, like someone has their hands around my throat. Which is one of my biggest fears. It freaks me out so much if someone puts their hands around my throat. On the other hand, I absolutely love when guys put theirs hands behind or on the side of my neck. I wonder why that is.

Another reason I'm afraid to fall asleep is because I don't want to spend another day faking everything and being so detached. Luckily school is starting to help again like last quarter, but dealing with my home life, the Ian issue I'll talk about later, and my friends outside of school are things I'd do just about anything to change. But that's another story for another time. I've probably covered most of it in past posts anyway. Ish.

The last reason I hate falling asleep is because of my dreams. Sometimes they're great and I love them. I've always loved dreaming in the past and it's really something I miss enjoying.

Now, most of my dreams are about painful memories and people, frightening nightmares about what could happen to me in the future, or bad situations and thoughts. Sometimes I'll wake up in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified, crying, or in pain. It's awful and frightens me.

But I have to sleep. It's my only escape, my only passage away from one day and into another. So I try to sleep as long as possible so I don't have to face reality quite as long. Ha, reality. What a joke.

Next on my agenda, Ian. That boy...

We started "talking" and I was really hesitant. Why is it that all my friends' past boyfriends start to like me? It's getting old. But he is a sweet guy and I was just really careful about it. After a while it started to make me really happy. I had a guy who cared about me that I actually liked back. It had been a long time it seems. It really sucked to know he was going back to school in South Carolina in a few weeks. We wouldn't be able to get an actual relationship going in that short time. But we tried to make the best of it with the time we had.

Then things started to change. He got way too into me way too fast. He wanted to spend hours upon hours with me every single day. Frankly, I just didn't like him that much. Even from the beginning I didn't really think he was a guy I'd have a serious relationship with but this was ridiculous either way. This is why I normally am friends with the guy for a while before dating him or talking to him like this.

There are too many things about him that aren't what I'm looking for. He's really hard to talk to, to relate to. He's very surface. Not in a superficial way, but he's not very deep when discussing anything. I don't feel like I can fully be myself around him and he's really big into kissing. Too much for me with him. Some of the things he says and does are really awkward and he can be really immature. For someone two years older than me, that worries me. He's also big into getting drunk-turn off- and does drugs sometimes-big turn off.

Don't get me wrong, he has a ton of great qualities as well. He's smart and so sweet. He's dedicated in the things he does and he's well rounded. He accepts everyone and is always trying to make other people happy. He cares a lot about me, even if I am broken (which he knows little about but still doesn't mind) and will talk to me or see me if I need him for anything. He also loves Avatar, Heroes, and Bleach as much as me. Gotta love that quality ;)

I just have high expectations, you know? I know what I want and what I'm looking for because I've had 90% of it. I just need to find another version of Brandon. One who won't lie to me, will be there for me, and cares about me as much as I do him. Every other quality is perfect. FML.

Okay so I had this dream a couple days before New Years Eve. I hope I can remember it as much as possible still. I should have written this sooner. I just wasn't up to it. I'll try my best now.

It started--or what I can remember of it--with me going to back to the high school for a specific reason. Only it wasn't Beechwood, but in the dream it was my high school. I had to pick up or receive something I think. I don't think I really knew why I was there specifically in the dream either. The room I was in reminded me much of the band room but it was smaller and not a band room. I sat for a while on part of the wall that jutted forward to make a wide seat and waited.

I don't know how they appeared or if they were already there and I just hadn't noticed them, but Vanessa, Brandon, and Liz Massie were in the middle of the room, three or four feet in front of me talking, I believe. But two of them were crouching I remember. So maybe they were looking at something. Or playing something. I'm not sure. They noticed me after a bit and I think may have said something. But it wasn't important and must have been short and not a big deal. Throughout this time, I didn't feel uncomfortable or dizzy or in pain or anything like I might have if this actually happened. I felt nothing. I was just there, waiting to do or get whatever I was there for.

Then a lady came (Bebe maybe?) and took me down some stairs and into another empty room. I think at this point I was under the impression I was going to preform in some way. Maybe like guard or dance or something, or possibly like a speech or interview kind of thing. I also think I changed clothes once in the new empty room. But maybe not. But I do remember I looked kind of crappy. Like I had just woken up. Minimal/faded makeup, messy hair, sweatshirt and...shorts maybe?

Anyway, then Brandon appeared. I'm not sure if he came down the stairs, from another room, or just appeared, I don't know. But he was there now. If I remember correctly, I felt happy. That was it.

We started walking up the stairs for a reason I can't remember. He may have said something to me first, or maybe not. We may have had a whole conversation, now lost to time. Dunno. So we walked up the stairs. We moved slowly and each stair was the size of two. On the vertical part of the third to last step there was a screen playing a clip. On each horizontal and a few of the horizontal parts, there was a picture from the clip of the portrait. I'll explain that in a moment. There seemed to only be like six steps, though we may have already gone up some when these started to appear.

The clip was only a few seconds long in and of itself. I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch against the wall in Brandon's basement. Behind me on the couch was a small boy who looked much like Brandon. Same dark eyes, same tanned complexion, same sweeping dark hair. To my left on the floor sat an even smaller girl, also with tanned skin but dark blonde hair and light eyes. Then behind her on the couch to the boys left was Brandon himself. We were giggling and smiling at the camera filming it, as if it was taking a picture. I remember even remember them...us? saying cheeeeeeeeeeeese all elongated as children do for pictures. There was a flash on the screen, the picture being taken no doubt, and the two kids became antsy. The girl ran off smiling and I helped the boy down who chased after her. Brandon and I were left on the screen, me kneeling in front of the couch, him sitting on it and leaning toward me, both of us laughing at the kids' enjoyment. Then the screen turned off.

We hadn't stopped walking, and like I said, it only lasted a matter of seconds. I turned to Brandon and asked him--though this is paraphrased now--if he had done this. Meaning set it up and all that. He had been looking at me the whole time I watched the video and at the question, looked away from me. He said no, in some form or another, and continued up the stairs looking at his feet. It was clear he had but I hadn't a clue in the world as to why. He didn't care at all for me as far as I knew and I didn't understand it at all. This is how I felt in the dream of course. It's just a dream so no use interpreting it now.

As for the clip, in the dream, it felt like a memory. Because I knew those weren't our kids. Gabriel and Kaida. They were random kids it felt like. As if we found them just to take that picture. A picture of what our future could look like. Again, in the dream it was a memory.

When we go up the steps it was just him and me. I sat on the seat from before and he sat next to me. I watched absently in front of me. Something was going on. Vanessa and Liz were there and doing something maybe? Or other random people? I don't know. Though my face and eyes were forward, I didn't really see anything. My attention was on Brandon to my left. He was watching me "watch" whatever was going on.

After some time I turned to him. I couldn't understand why he was so interested in me suddenly. Not like in more than a friend kind of interested, I mean his attention being on me. Being as critical as I am, I figured it was because the way I look. I apologized for looking like crap. I don't remember his response, but basically he didn't think I looked like crap. I looked back forward, now even more confused why he was acting this way. Though, I wasn't really confused. I was just trying to figure it out.

I remember clearly, I didn't feel anything. I thought about the clip and pictures over and over; I thought about him staring at me. It didn't make sense to me. He didn't want me, that was a solid fact in my head. So why was he doing this?

It astonished me, once I woke up though shortly after that (the end of the dream consisting of me staring forward but still seeing him watch me intently), that I didn't feel anything at all. I was so blank and detached. Like nothing mattered in my life any more and him being back in it wasn't going to change it. That's what it felt like. Just the feeling, the thought was not there and I don't think it ever would have been. That's just how empty and numb I felt in it.

I'm not going to analyze the dream. I'm not going to stress or worry about it. I just wanted to record it. He's often in my dreams, but rarely does it ever feel so...real. I've never felt the feelings so much. Not these kinds of feeling anyway.

*sigh

I'm physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy. I'm starting to feel my heart pound in my chest. I'm going to try to sleep. Aka, lie in the dark for and hour or so while thoughts eat away at my mind. I'll finish with my other points another time. Maybe. Or maybe not. They see insignificant now.

Sweetest dreams.

309am