213am
Some tidbits:
Katie and I are fine now. She sent me a message yesterday saying sorry for acting all crappy and such and we talked for a bit. So that's cool I guess. It didn't make too much of a difference to me. Though I suppose it does make me feel a little better knowing she's not mad at me for anything. Yeah, that does take a little weight off I think. Still, it's not like I ever see her.
Then again I may next Tuesday. She'll probably be there to watch.
I'll go to the Beechwood jazz concert I guess. But I am bringing Erin. Or someone at least. I really don't like going to these things. I feel like all the kids look at me and think, "Why the hell is she here? Doesn't she have a life?" And yes, I do, about half the time. But when I'm not at school doing work or hanging out with people in the dorms or wherever, I don't have a life. I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing like every other night. Tuesdays are one of those nights.
But I'll go. Joey will be happy to see me. And I tend to get a bunch of other people coming up to me to say hi at these things really. There's just that awkwardness before all that I can't stand. And Brandon may actually acknowledge me this time.
Maybe. We're kind of on better terms and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. It seems like every time we start to be friends again, he up and leaves, so to speak. And a part of me crashes.
But just a part now. I've finally figured out how to isolate it at the very least. It's happened enough times for me to sort that much out.
On the Ryan subject, I was right when I said I didn't think he'd date in college. He, a bunch of our friends and I were drawing Friday and somehow dating got brought up. Somewhere in there, he stated he was interested in some people at school, but doesn't want distractions. NOW WHERE THE HELL HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?! Haha. But it didn't bother me at all. Just a crush, no big :)
Um, what next. Oh, this past weekend. Wow.
Went to a party at Sigma Chi Saturday with Chad, Sam, and Erin. I found out about it 15 minutes before so I looked crappy. Jeans and a striped shirt, minimal makeup, eh hair. But I said I'd go. Who cares, right?
I drank. Quite a bit. And it did absolutely nothing to me. My guess is it's because I feel like my head is spinning all the time now. I'm used to the tipsy feeling. It was no big deal.
But the "main event" of the party happened on the dance floor.
At these parties, I tend to only dance with one of my friends. I can't stand the grinding crap most guys prefer and my guys know better than to try that with me. I was dancing with Chad that night obviously, since Erin and Sam would be dancing together, and Chad needed to leave to use the restroom. I went outside then. Better to stand awkwardly alone outside where it looks like I could be getting some air rather than in the packed dance room.
Jason, Chad's big brother in the fraternity, saw me standing alone and asked if I'd like to dance until Chad came back. Chad had introduced us earlier in the house and he and I had talked for a good while, so I knew he was a cool guy. Pre-junior, 21, digital design major at DAAP, funny, and easy-going. I said sure.
Dancing with him was so much fun! He kept a little space between us and he'd grab my hand and do silly things like spin me. It was hilarious. Chad came back and had found our friend Stephanie and was dancing with her. I was more than perfectly fine with that and stayed with Jason. We'd sing along to the songs, laugh at the drunk people, and do goofy stuff while we danced. We went outside after a bit to cool off and walked to his room so he could grab something for a friend. We talked the whole time and ended up sitting in his room talking for a while. He was so easy to do that with. He talked easily and actually seemed interested in everything I had to say as if I was interesting. HA!
I called Chad then to make sure he hadn't left. Erin and Sam did already and I was staying the night in Chad and Sam's room. He said he was alone in the library...? I was really concerned so Jason and I went down to make sure he was alright. He clearly wasn't be kept insisting he was. Jason and I both knew that. He wasn't going to admit it and we both also knew it was better to just let him go for a bit when he's like this. So we told him we were going back down to dance. He said alright and we figured he'd come too after some time. Around one we found out he had left. Well crap, I'd be stuck walking all the way across campus, alone, in the rain. Jason realized this and asked if I'd like to stay on the couch in his suite in the house. I told him that was fine with me and he called Chad to let him know. Chad was really short with him so he was still in a bad mood clearly. But later he sent Jason a message saying to take care of me please. He can be so sweet sometimes.
Jason and I hung out and talked until six when we both fell asleep, still both on his bed. It wasn't weird or uncomfortable or anything. I felt gross though when I woke up, still in my jeans and t-shirt from the night before, my hair everywhere, and the little bit of makeup I had put on smeared. Jason must have felt me wake up because he sat up then as well with a "hey beautiful," a small smile, and no hint of sarcasm. *swoon
He went with me back to Daniels so I could get my keys and wallet from the boys' room. He went back once we got there but gave me a small kiss first. :]
I called Chad so he could let me in the dorm. He was still in a bad mood. And when he got down there, he checked me in and went back up without saying anything or hugging me. So he was mad at ME?!? I grabbed my things and left, hoping his coldness maybe wasn't meant for me. Then later, his status said something about his big being an ass. Well shit. So he was mad at the both of us. I tried to talk to him Sunday but he wouldn't answer. Jason had tried the same and got the same result. Finally he answered when I asked if he'd have lunch with me Monday so I could talk to him. He said yes. Jason told me he ended up talking to him Sunday night as well. He said it was a misunderstanding. Ish.
Chad thought I had ditched him. Or, more of what he was leaning towards, Jason had stolen me. Apparently Chad likes me more than I've realized.
I got to lunch Monday to find everything to be perfectly fine. He had invited other people so he obviously didn't want to bring it up again. I asked Jason about it and he said they were all good now too. So everyone's back to the way it was before (besides Jason and I ;D ) so it's all better.
Wow, that took a lot longer than I expected. So much for tidbits.
Subjects from...huh, I guess it's last week now.
Okay. So. I kind of touched on this earlier, but being at home sucks. I don't watch tv anymore and I have my own computer so there's no reason to be downstairs. I stay in my room, lying in bed, doing something or another on the computer. I'm always watching something, on facebook, working on digital, listening to an audiobook, or writing on here. Though I usually save the last one for when I can't sleep. Which is every night really, but I don't always feel like typing. Anyway, my parents complain they never see me so occasionally I take my computer downstairs and sit on the couch. It sucks. And this is why I'm always at school. I can't wait to move into my house next fall...
Mask. I don't remember what I was going to say about this. I've pretty much covered the fact that I'm always wearing one, but there must have been something specific. I don't know. But I have realized something over the past few days. I think the mask has...melted? Blended? Been absorbed into me? Not sure how to explain. But I don't think it comes off. I'll never be who I was before. I've changed. It's not necessarily bad. Not necessarily good. Just a change. I like who I am now too, just not my life, per say. I find it easier to talk to people now, but I'm not as open. I'm a lot more understanding now. My self esteem has been shattered, but I care less about how I look and act, if that makes sense. It may just be that people are so much less judgmental here. Or not. Either way, that's how it is now. I go through each day in a haze, but it does help speed along the time. And I can break out of that state when I am around friends now. That brings me to another one of the topics; I'll move on.
So when I'm not with friends, I pretty much only feel numb or in pain. That's it. Nothing at all or like I'm being crushed and destroyed. I need school and friends as a distraction from the pain, and to relieve me from the numbness. None of my problems have faded or ended in the tiniest bit, but I know how to suppress them. To pretend like that don't exist. Basically I'm in denial. I really don't have much more to say on the subject tonight.
Ah, what's next. Oh, getting annoyed. Yes, people annoy me now. I lost quite a bit of my patience it seems. Patience for dumb people anyway. But much more patience for waiting.
I don't text much anymore. Well, false. I do, but not by my power. I rarely, if ever talk to people first, which isn't anything new, but I also don't always answer people, whether on purpose or accident. I tend to forget about my phone a lot of the time. So with people like Breanna or Alex, sometimes I forget I got a message for a while. Then with people like Troy or Ian, once they say something that doesn't require an answer, I'm finished. It would make me feel bad, but they annoy me. So oh well.
I came to notice something the other day: there is something wrong with me. Ha, well there's a ton of things wrong with me, but I mean it in a specific way. Another way someone might put it is that I date crappy boys. But I don't feel that's it. I think it's my fault. Hm. I'll use examples.
Joseph cheated on me with Brianna then left me for her. Of course in his case, he came back to me crying and apologizing.
When I broke up with Clayton, he wanted it too. I found out a couple days later that is was because he like Katie can't-pronounce-her-last-name. Who he dated next, I might add.
Brandon was "talking" to Katie Teremi for almost two months while we were dating then continued to play me and lie about it for a month after we broke up.
So clearly I must repel boys somehow. Well, it seems more like I attract them (way more than I'd like to), then once they are with me for a while, they're either so bored or so repulsed that they have to go find another girl. Lovely.
Huh, I never really talked about that last example. I hardly even touched on it. Can't imagine why... :p I only mentioned the night at Katie's months ago, never what was said. I'll need to do that at some point.
So that old list is gone. Or good enough as. I'm done with it anyway. I have an art history test tomorrow and have to get up early. I should go to bed. Sleep tight.
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