Make a wish.
Shit. We'll isn't that just my luck. Right when I went to make my wish, it changed to 1112. Fuck. My. Life. Please.
Funny, that somewhat correlates with what I was going to talk about. In short, earlier today(earlier tonight even) I was thinking about how I was becoming happy now. Now tonight I realized nothing has change.
But earlier, it seemed as though for a week or so, things were getting better. I was better able to suppress everything. I had guessed that it was because there was so much, it became unreal and rather not possible. Hm, that didn't make sense in writing. It's like what Stalin said about killing his people. Once the number became so insanely large, the murders didn't seem as bad. We aren't able to even imagine that high of an amount.
Earlier, I decided that's why all my problems didn't tear at the whole in my chest anymore. There's too many. My old problems of course: not being able to afford to go to school, not being healthy enough to do ROTC, this FUCKING heart problem that's causing me to have an anxiety attack right now.......Fuck. Better now, sort of. Good enough to suppress it and type. And to continue: people believing lies about me, my parents fighting, losing the person I care about most, worrying about him all the time because I know he's going through a lot, him not talking to me, completely losing direction and losing myself, and having no one to turn to. False-I have Breanna, but I can't stand making her worry about me. I know she has enough to deal with on her own.
But now I have added on all this crap with my stupid TA screwing up and failing me (which, thank God, will be fixed), having to pay all these bills, missing class because I am unable to drive, and to top it off, my mom being an alcoholic and cheating on my dad with Max's dad. It all just became too much. Too much to really believe it was true. That it could all be happening to me. There was not one aspect of my life that wasn't destroyed. I get lost in books, writing, facebook, Bleach, ect. Anything to escape reality.
But like I said, I was starting to feel happier. Like things were returning to normal. And maybe it wasn't, what I'm going to call, the Stalin rule. Maybe it was returning to school. Being able to get lost in my work as well. And being around people who truly care about me.
Then again, maybe...
I feel defeated saying it. I had convinced myself I was past it. Even if I really knew it wasn't true.
But maybe, maybe it was because I had a conversation with him. One where he didn't completely seem like I was wasting his time. It felt almost...normal. It really did make me happy. No, I was right before, it made me feel normal. All this shit that's happening to me, I refuse to let it be normal. It just can't be. I try to tell myself all the time, it'll be over soon. Like it's all a dream. Something will come along, wake me up and take all my problems away and I can be happy and carefree again. A little far fetched, huh? I just miss being happy so much.
My wish, the one I didn't get to make, I was wishing to make the hole go away. The gaping hole in my chest, the one that burns around the edges and threatens to cause me to collapse every time I'm reminded of anything. It takes all my energy to simply hold myself together every day.
As I said when I started, the past two ish weeks it's improved a bit. Things were going my way. I was having fun with friends, school was starting, I worked up the strength to talk to him a tiny bit, I love my classes, I was distracted for a while. Life was better.
It only took one tiny thing to make it all crash down again into shambles.
And I'm totally assuming all this which makes it even worse!
He said today in his status, 'And just when i thought that i had everything worked out and wasn't confused anymore....something happens and now i'm not sure anymore....dang it.'
What I wouldn't give for that to be about me. But I know it's not. And that makes me feel like I'm...I'm choking, I'm being cut across my chest with a dull knife, I'm getting hit in the gut with someone's full force.
Almost every day I wish this heart problem had taken my life months ago. How much easier that would have made everything. But now I have to hold on to life, no matter what I actually want. My dad has medical problems now too. And my sister cannot take my parents splitting up. Dying would completely destroy them.
My dad has told me, especially now, that I'm his reason for living. You're not supposed to pick favorites, but everyone does. When my dad was in his early 20's and his brother died of that hereditary heart disease, he wasn't going to have kids if he had it too. He didn't want to pass it on to us. But he tested negative for it. He wanted kids so that was a really big deal to him. Of course we know now he has it, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I was his first. He said I was his everything the second I came into this world. And of course now it doesn't hurt that I am very much like him. More than I realized. If I were to die, I have no doubt in my mind he'd have a hard time not declining too. I couldn't do that to him.
And now with this separation thing, I can't leave Taylor. She cries about it all the time; she wouldn't be able to handle it. And she's weak willed. She'd probably fall into drugs or drinking if they got divorced and I wasn't around. That just seems like the kind of thing she'd do. She's very much like my mom.
I love my mom to death, but she is weak. She turned to alcohol for her problems and craved attention to make herself feel better rather than fix the problems at hand. That is why we're in that particular mess.
So I can't bow out now. It's too late for that. Even if I have surgery and something goes wrong, I'm going to have to hold on to this shit hole of a life with everything I have. For them.
Sometimes I really, really wish I didn't care so much about everyone else. Chad's telling me all the time I need to start doing things for me and quit putting all my energy into making others' lives better. But I just can't. Especially not now. I have no reason to care about myself anymore.
I'm not going to talk about the other topics I skipped in the last post. As I said, they seem insignificant now. Plus, the two songs would belong better on my other journal on my profile here. Though that list on that specific post of fifty or so songs is ridiculous. I need to cut it down.
N E way. Not addressing them.
With love.
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