For Good

1121pm

Early start tonight. I got done with my projects really early for some reason. Ah well, I like 'em.

Ha, so for starters, Katie just cracks me up. I'm not going to get too much into it because it's stupid and she apparently has issues, haha. But she shouldn't flatter herself so much. I wasn't talking about her, I was referring to someone else. But that little freak out was hysterical. I'm not sure why she's suddenly opposed to me; we haven't even spoken in months. If that's why, then it's just as much her fault as mine. But nothing lost there. I know her better than most people. The act was getting annoying. She's not that dumb. Nor is she that humble. Clearly, haha, by her little spaz back there. Ha, God, it was just so funny! At least it brightened up my day. I'll leave Aaron to deal with her. Hehehe...

Ha, okay, enough of that. Back to serious time.

...

hahaha...

I just can't stifle this! Give me a moment. I'll be back in a bit.

Alright, played some music, got to thinking--always a bad thing-- and now I'm ready to continue from...last night was it? I don't have any idea. Days all blend together. They're all exactly the same...

I want to talk about Daniel first. He wasn't on the list, but Chad and Ryan were and it made me think of this.

He's a creep. And I'm over dealing with it. No Daniel, I don't like it when you press your hips against me and moan when you hug me. Freaks me the fuck out. And no, I don't want to come to your room at night when your roommates are gone.

I'm not one to be mean to people or ignore them, but I've just quit answering him now. I avoid him and constantly come up with excuses and he doesn't seem to get it. I just don't have it in me to tell him to GO AWAY. Luckily Erin and Ryan get it and help me when he's around. I just love those two so much :]

How about Chad next. Hm, that boy. He was my confidant at school for a long time. I don't get to see him quite as much anymore, but my point is, we can talk about anything. We've talked about dating and I've told him he's just not someone I can date. For one, he doesn't know how to be the right kind of immature. That sounds odd. I mean he doesn't really goof off. He does in a flirting kind of sense maybe, but not like playfully hitting each other/swim in a fountain/discuss ridiculous impossibilities like it's true kind of immature. The fun kind. He also is a big drinker. Turn. Off. And he's stubborn as hell and has a slight lying problem. But other than that he's great! Haha. Which is why I love being his friend.

Back to my original point, we're very comfortable around each other. It's definitely not the usual kind, and if someone were to see us sometimes, they'd think there was something going on. Like the other day when I went to visit him, Joel, Sam, and Hao. Well, of course Hao wasn't there...crazy Chinese boy...but the other three were. Chad asked my to join him on his bunk and I did so without hesitation. Ha, the other two were peeved, but I reminded them I spent an hour or so the day before just with them. And I through at them that they ganged up on me, pinned me down, and tickled me. Not something I was going to readily repeat.

I guess I'm really comfortable with all three of them. All for good reason. Joel and I almost had something in the beginning of the year. But frankly, I just wasn't whole yet. Not that I am now, but duct tape sure does go a long way ;D And Sam is one of my best friends at school. And dating probably my best friend there. I just love those two together! :) Sorry, tangents.

I laid down next to Chad and he wrapped his arms around me. It's something I'm used to from him and it felt nice. He asked me about my day and my heart and made sure I was alright. He's absolutely terrified I'm going to die and constantly insists I get a doctor who will actually do something. But in the doctor's defense, he's busy because he's good. So yeah, if I have to wait two or three months between appointments...yeah, okay, it's miserable, but what can I do?

Moving on. He and I went to see a movie the other night, The Book of Eli. Good movie indeed. But during it, he put his arm around me. I stretched out on the other chairs and leaned in to him. It was totally cozy and totally not a big deal. And at the end before we got up, he kissed the top of my head and said let's go. But it wasn't like we were on a date. The whole time it was just like friends. We didn't hold hands, there was space between us when we walked, and we talked about every day things. It's like Luke all over again. Only less like a brother and more like a friend. Either way, I love it.

I love it even more that I'm not hurting him or leading him on and he's still cool with it. He's told me he fully understands that I don't want to date and also that it wouldn't be possible probably anyway. Kate is borderline obsessed with him. I'm not about to start another guy fight with her. And he knows all about the last one so he knows better as well. But especially now that she and I are on good terms and even hang out.

Keeping a little more distance between us when she's around was like second nature. Not like we're trying to hide something; we didn't talk about it, we both just did it like we knew we should. We're just trying not to start anything. Even the tiniest accusation in her mind. He's talked to me about her too. He likes having her as a friend and doesn't want to ruin that. At the same time he doesn't want to be more than that. Whatever the case, I am so not getting involved. He's on his own there.

Yeah, so. It's just nice. I love how concerned he is about me. And I love I don't have to worry about leading him on by being his friend. With some other guys, I feel like I have to be careful. It's like once they tell me they like me, I have to watch everything I do so I don't somehow "say" the wrong thing.

Dumb ass boys. What are they thinking anyway? I'm hesitant and not confident, quiet unless I know them really well, awkward, I stutter or mumble words, I'm goofy and like weird things, I over think and try too hard or not at all, I have horrid hearing, and I'm constantly falling apart. I am broken. How do they not get that? Even them being physically in to me makes NO sense. And don't you argue Breanna. I'll kick your cakes. I'm thin but have broad shoulders which makes me weirdly proportioned, my skin is just awful and oily all the time, my hair never ever does anything right, my chin is pointy and my nose is bigish, one eye squints when I smile and my arms and hands are veiny. I do not get it. I always feel like I'm so crappy looking.

Good Lord, I'm off topic yet again.

I guess I'll stay on the boy subject for one more topic though. I still have Ryan on the list. Ryan as in Finke, not my brother.

I go back and forth with him. You see, I've got a crush. The thing is, this isn't like whoever over the past couple months. The "problems" I've had in that aspect these past four ish months figured out. I just haven't like a guy in the month or three weeks or however long it's been since they've been figured out. Well, there was Ian, but I knew going into it it wasn't right. Like Chad. I just didn't do anything since I knew he was leaving soon. Wow, that is just awful. I'm a terrible person.

Ryan's...different. It feels more normal. Usually, I'm friend's with a guy for a long time before I start to really like him or date him. Brandon was a...fire.

But I have been friends with him for a while without thinking of it in any other way. Then right before break, I found myself wanting to spend more time with him. It wasn't an obvious thing, but I'd find myself talking to him more, asking him if he wants to join us for things etc. I didn't even notice I was doing so until we went ice skating on break. Driving there with Erin, I couldn't figure out why I was so excited to go. I figured it was only because I hadn't seen him or Tim in a week, quite a big deal for the four of us. But when I saw him, I immediately ran up and hugged him first. It clicked then. And I felt stupid for not noticing it sooner.

I've had art history with him already, but I joined his form class this quarter as well. Not on purpose, mind you. I couldn't take mine from last quarter because of marksmanship. I joined Chad's then, which I was happy to hear was Ryan's as well. I actually tend to spend more time with Ryan than Chad in there.

Ryan makes me happy to be around him. He's optimistic, honest, funny, ethical, smart, responsible, silly; an all around great guy. He's always in a good mood. He's religious but not in a dominating way. He's the right kind of immature. But he knows how to be serious. He gets great grades. He already is getting jobs in digital design. He just got an internship with a London company. He can cheer anybody up and he's not afraid to be himself. I really wish I was more like him.

He writes too. Kind of like this but a lot smaller and less often. From what I've seen anyway. But just about his thoughts. He put one as a note on facebook the other day. It was maybe twenty lines talking about how he wishes people could talk about real things, things that matter. To have an actual conversation with people rather than all the petty stuff. How great is that? I couldn't agree with him more. I'm going to have to start conversations with him more about the real things, rather than only Chad, Erin, and Alex. They tend to be the people I go to for everything while at school.

Oh! This weekend was great! Friday, while I was with Chad, Joel, and Sam, Ryan asked me to come hang out. I hadn't seen his Pokewall yet so he wanted me to come see it. While I was up there, he asked if I would come toss the frisbee with him and four of his friends, one girl and three boy. I'd met one guy before at Alex's party but I didn't know any of the others. We stood in a circle on one of the big fields and tossed and talked.

They are a great group of people. Maria asked me to join the frisbee team. Apparently they're really good. I told her I couldn't because of my heart issues, but we exchanged numbers and she told me I should check it out anyway, that with my arm, I may not have to run at all haha. I told her to keep me posted. I really would love to if I can.

Near the end, everyone kind of closed in and started just talking. Somehow, the frisbee ended up away from us and I offered to get it. Ryan popped out of the little talking herd and called for me to throw it to him. Suddenly, we were like intensely throwing back and forth, running all over the field. Before we had only stood and I didn't know how my heart was going to take it. But everything was great! I had so much energy and was really having fun. It was a rush like I haven't had in a long time. It was funny though. It had been freezing the day before but Friday was really nice. We were overly prepared and were both shedding layers while the frisbee was in the air. The guys yelled at us and asked if we were playing strip frisbee. We all started cracking up and it became hard to throw because we were laughing so hard and were out of breath so we brought it in. It lasted about five minutes of straight running and throwing all over the field without stopping. It was just great. I'm not even sure how else to word that.

Ryan had to take me to his room after that to grab my computer bag because I was headed out and he was off to one of the guy's dorms. Before I left, he told me he had fun. Then he added, especially at the end. Sure made me smile. :]

The next day, Saturday, I was at UC again. Ryan called me and asked if I wanted to draw with him and Tim. I did for a bit but then I was supposed to go to a youth group thing with Alex. Ryan said he goes there too and offered to take me. It was a good 20 minute walk there just us two. The whole night was good. We were with a bunch of people the whole time but it was a good time. Great people. Especially Ryan, Alex, Tiny, and David. Then again, I'm bias towards my friends ;)

Late that night we were in Alex's room and him, David, and Ryan were going to play Star Craft. Tiny and I were going to watch. They all had to pick nick names for it and I suggested peaches to Ryan. And of course he gave me that, excuse me? look he always does when I bring up peaches. You see, one day in art history, Laura have me too much peach lotion and I wiped it on Ryan. It was very scented and shimmery :) He was not a fan and we'd tease him about it. So obviously I was shocked when he actually typed in peaches to the computer. Shocked I tell you. But it pretty much made my night. It was very funny.

And I'm not reading too much into this, promise. It could just as easily be that he thought if he gave in, we'd stop teasing him about the peaches. And he invites me places because I am his friend. And yeah, who doesn't think it fun to really get into a game. I'm not getting ahead of myself by any means. But it's nice to think someone you like may like you back.

Would I actually date Ryan? I'm not sure actually. For a couple reasons. I'm not really sure if he would want to date anyone. Or if he has dated anyone. He's not nerdy or awkward or anything like that, he's just...well behaved. And he went to St. X. Girls are a little hard to come by there, hehehe. So I'm not sure that, even if he liked me too, he'd want to date or have the courage to say anything about it. He is brave or risky or however you want to put it, but I don't think he'd put himself out there like that. Especially if it's the first time.

The second reason is all me. After what I've...had, it's be hard to take anything less. Hm. I've explained this to Aaron, let me try again.

When Brandon and I touched the first time, my heart leaped. It was like fire or electricity running between us. Within less than a month I knew I was in love. It would be hard now to take a step back, to date someone I didn't feel that with. Granted I've never "touched" Ryan, as in I've never held his hand or wrote on his knee or any of that. So who knows. But until I do know, I don't think anything will happen. He's going to have to make that first move to find out.

I really don't see me falling in love again. Not in college I mean. Unless something happens instantly like with Brandon, I won't have time for it. Co ops start next year. I'll be gone, hopefully out of the state if not out of the country every other season. If I can bring myself down to having flings, that may work. But it's not something I'm interested in, at least at this point. But like I said, unless it's instant, which I doubt will ever happen again, I won't have time for it to happen.

Which sucks. Because I know that until I fall in love again, Brandon will always be at the forefront of my mind, my worries, my thoughts, my heart. And if he continues to be stand offish and feel nothing about me, it will only crush me more and more. --Hm, I'm sorry, that was kind of a guilt trip. Oh whatever. You know it already. It's not like hurting me is new to you.

I'm going to bed. I just put myself in a shitty mood. At least, for the most part, this was a happy post. That's something new.

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