Maybe

219am

So I'm going to Sigma Chi's Winter Formal with Chad and Sam.

Now how's this for a formal: Friday we're going to Gatlinburg. That night we're basically just going to party in any of the four chalets that we're staying the night in and we can go into town or in one of the hot tubs or whatever we'd like. Saturday we're free to do whatever all day but that night we're all meeting back at one of the cabins to party as a group. We're to be dressed as "the morning after." Yeah. You read right. We will then proceed to the other three cabins in turn throughout the night. The four of them will be themed Mexico, Italy, America, or Germany. And then we come home Sunday.

Quite the formal if you ask me, haha.

The morning after though? Really? Frat boys...

I don't have any idea what I'd wear. I guess I'd need a boy's shirt of some sorts. And soffes? And white socks. Okay, other than the shirt, I've got this. Could go typical and get a collared shirt. But I think I'd like just a solid white shirt. I love a boy who can pull that off. Or solid black. But that wouldn't work as well.

I may have to ask Brandon. I know he'd have a white shirt and it wouldn't be either huge on me or my size like it would be if I asked any of my other friends. Joey's would probably be a good size too, but it'd be a lot more awkward to explain to him than it would Brandon.

Goodness.

Well. I am suddenly tired and I can't remember what else I was going to talk about. Sorry I wasted your time.

245

The Way Down

325am

Wow. That one hurt. A lot more than I thought it would.

Adrian tonight was trying to figure out who would be up for him to talk to since he doesn't sleep either. I suggested a few people, one of which was Brandon. Adrian went on to tell me they don't really talk anymore. He said he thinks it's because he used to like Paulina, who Brandon likes now.

It felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Hearing him say it out loud... I mean yeah, that's where I had put my money, but in the back of my mind, I believed it wasn't true. I had suggested to Brandon to date her if he liked her, and they weren't dating. But actually hearing the words that he liked her coming from one of his friends...I lost all will to hope for anything else in that instant. It wiped away all doubt.

It should not have hurt me as much as it did. But maybe now he can be happy with her. That is what I want more than anything in the world, for him to be happy. And if that's what it takes...

I passed out yesterday. I hadn't done that since the tilt table test.

It was only completely our for a couple seconds, but falling into it and coming out of it took a long time. I was at the model critique for my designer and we were waiting to go on next. Suddenly I started to feel a little sick. I was already dizzy and my heart was already going a bit fast because a car stopped on the highway in front of me on the way to school just before. I had to slam on the breaks and I was sure I was going to hit the person. But all was well.

But I started feeling crappy and suddenly my vision started to go. So I asked Jenn if I could use her seat. I guess I was really pale or something because she immediately asked if I needed any water or food. I told her I was fine but then it got really bad. I started losing control of my senses and I asked for that water. She brought some food I couldn't see any more and I think a can of pop. I was in so much pain now. She and the other model working with me asked me questions and tried to help but I couldn't hear them and I could barely whisper. I couldn't see, hear, feel, or move at this point.

There was nothing for a couple seconds and then things started to come back slowly. I was able to somehow reach for the water with my shaking hands and not spill it on me. Jenn was fanning me off now. After a bit longer I got my senses back mostly. I was still shaking and couldn't really stand, there was a very loud ringing in my ears, and a light would flash in the top left corner of my vision if I tried to focus on one thing for more than a second.

It was our turn now and they got me a stool to sit on and kept the water by me. I tried to stand but almost fell over. The teacher critiquing the outfits just about freaked out and quickly got me a chair with a back. They asked if I'd eaten anything. Ouch. I'm not that skinny. I'm definitely not the typical model. I explained the quick version of my heart problem and they understood. I felt so bad though and kept apologizing to Jenn. I did manage to stand a couple times when they were talking about my look with help from the stool. I held on to that took deep breaths, focusing on what they were saying.

I felt so dumb and was so embarrassed. The room was full of fashion models, students, and teachers. I was ghostly pale and because of that flashing light, I had to continually move my gaze around the room. I looked at the floor a lot so it would be less noticeable.

I was much better by the time the critique was over. I was still dizzy and a little shaky, but overall okay. I apologized to Jenn a hundred more times. She was so sweet about it. She did everything she could to make sure I was alright.

I was afraid to drive right after that and my head was pounding now from the light and the ringing. I called Sam and headed to sit with him and Joel in their room. Sam gave me a head massage which actually really helped a lot for a bit.

When I drove home two hours later, I still hadn't fully recovered so I wanted to be on the phone with someone. Of course the timing was bad and EVERYONE was eating dinner and couldn't talk or answer. Finally halfway home Breanna called me back. Thank goodness. It got my mind off my head and I didn't have to worry.

I'm not exactly sure why it happened though. Sam and I talked and I also thought about it and came up with a couple reasons:

That incident on the highway. My adrenaline was already a little up. Though I don't see why it would have taken the twenty-ish minutes to affect me.

The only thing I had eaten was a piece of cake. But I had only been awake an hour and a half maybe. It would be the same as having a donut for breakfast.

Lack of sleep. Pretty self exclamatory.

Brandon telling me he could be suicidal. And that he'd never tell. That hurt me big time.

My knees could have been locked from standing. Lack of blood flow and all that.

Al options, could all be true. Who's to say?

I need to move on from Brandon. Now. He doesn't want me. I've been saying it forever and I know it. I need to quit putting myself through this pain. He likes Paulina and he's clearly shown me he's not interested in me. He knows how I feel. If he actually liked me he would have done something by now. It would just be so much easier if he'd come out and say he doesn't want me so I would no longer question anything. I'd have no ounce of hope and no reason to hold on to him. And it'd make him happier I'm sure. And that is what I want.

407

This is Your Life

1255am

Hm. :)

Joseph still thinks about me. I mean, not a huge accomplishment there, but it is nice to know. At 1133, he sent me a message, "Leven thirty three."

Back when we dated--that is so freaking weird to think about--that was our time. We'd talk on the phone almost every night and it always seemed to be at that time, totally not on purpose. We noticed it after a while and decided to just dub it as our time.

That's one thing I liked about our relationship, that we'd talk on the phone most nights. You can get a lot more covered in a much shorter time, hearing his voice made me feel as if I was with him, and words would not be read the wrong way. Clayton was boring to talk on the phone with. Brandon didn't like to. So I wouldn't ask him to unless it was really important.

Anyway, after we broke up, we were still really good friends for a long time. Every other day or so for a while he would send that to me and sporadically I would to him as well. But he and I have not talked in months. And before that it had been months. Nothing really in particular happened, we just grew apart.

So it really made me smile and put me in a good mood. We still didn't talk tonight, I only responded with a smile, but that's about what's expected.

Our relationship is nothing more than a reflection. We're not dating, we're not friends, per say, and we're hardly even acquaintances now. We're a memory to one another, and that is all.

It feels like a whole other life, back when I dated Joseph. It was a hard life, haha. My friends didn't like him so I started to lose a lot of them, or at least the closeness I had with them. I'd spend much of my time with him.

It was... complicated, our relationship. Most people can't understand why I dated him. He treated me like crap most of the time. He'd walk all over me, had a superiority complex, point out all my flaws and rub them in my face, wouldn't let me talk, and cheated on me.

But he was hard to say no to. When he wasn't the shitty guy listed above, he was really wonderful. He'd give me his full attention, tell me I'm the most wonderful thing in the world, do anything for me, and make me feel like I was something special.

The problem was, he was rather bipolar between the two when we dated. When we didn't date, he'd only be the second and was always able to rope me back in. Hence why we dated three times, two of those being after he cheated on me.

In any case, he helped me grow a lot. I became much braver and more confident (the opposite really that you'd think would come of it).

Then I dated Clayton and stepped into my next life. This one was getting back on track where I had left off before Joseph. He was one of my friends from the start so I was able to build those friendships back up since I saw them more. He's a great guy and really, his faults are few. But we did have quite a few problems.

First of all, he's pretty immature and naiveté.

Second, he'd make me do things I didn't want to or wasn't ready for sexually. Not sex of course, but he'd pressure me into doing other things. It seemed to be all we'd do when we were alone and I really did not like that at all.

Lastly, he believed a lie about me cheating on him. This is why we broke up the first time. This is also why I dated Joseph the third time.

You see, Joseph and I were still good friends. We'd still hang out and we'd still say we loved each other. But this is like me telling Joey I love him. It's not. like. that. Frankly, everyone told everyone they loved everyone back then. Before I'd leave the band room or whatever I'd say it to every person I was with. But apparently, a guy and girl can't hang out in high school without being more than friends. Which is seriously fucked up. But whatever, the past is the past and thank God I'm in college.

Then one day Clayton sees Joseph and me driving back from lunch during band and freaks. Turns out he didn't see Hat in the backseat. He calls me that night and says we're done without any reason. I told him okay and hung up. I was fed up with him not believing me and really didn't care. Unfortunately for me, Sam and Taylor (who practically ran our group of friends at the time) were the one who started the rumors about me and easily turned everyone away from me.

So Joseph was left as one of my only close friends. He was there for me and obviously knew I hadn't cheated on Clayton. We ended up dating for like a month or two before I realized that was the only reason I was dating him and we split up.

The irony is, I went on Spring Break with Justin, Sam, Kate, and Clayton at the end of those two months. And there, I cheated on Joseph and Clayton cheated on his girlfriend Alex together. Want to make it more ironic? I didn't want to; Clayton smooth talked me into it. Well hold up, I still liked Clayton, so I wanted to in that aspect, but I was heavily opposed to cheating, so I didn't want to.

Anyway, we each broke up with our significant other after that and secretly dated for almost two months before actually dating.

Now Clayton and Joseph overlapped a bit (going Joseph, Joseph, Clayton, Clayton, Joseph, Clayton), but the relationship was the same as before with each. As in Joseph was still bipolar and Clayton still pressured me. I am far too forgiving and give people too many chances. I should know people never change. But I have. So maybe I should stick with boys never change.

So yeah. This is the first time I've ever admitted any of that. So enjoy.

My next life was the single life. That was a fun one. I was friends with everyone, including Joseph and Clayton. I had no problem at all with being single and I loved life. I was confident, outgoing, every aspect of my life was perfect and I thought things couldn't get better.

Then November 8th came by. With a single touch, one boy instantly catapulted me into my next life, just like that.

I was thrown into the most incredible life. Everything that I though was so amazing before didn't matter anymore. It was infinitesimal compared to what I had. I was even willing to give up almost all my friends for this boy, and I did so without a second thought. Katie was pretty much all I had left. Brandon was my best friend and the love of my life and Katie was my best friend aside from him. But even once I started losing her because she liked Brandon, I was okay because I still had him.

I hadn't a care in the world. Nothing else mattered except the next time I'd see or speak to him. I smiled literally all the time, so much so, people would ask what's wrong if I stopped for a minute. But nothing was ever really wrong. I was always smiling and happy. :) If we fought, I'd have completely forgiven him or be apologizing within the hour. I'd tell him everything and he was always on my mind. I would worry about him and his depression, when he'd have trouble at auditions, or he fought with his family. I'd spend every second with him that I could, even if it meant only ten minutes or me getting into trouble. I didn't care. He was my life.

And I remember so clearly the moment went my life shattered and came crashing down.

"Say it to my face," he demanded, trying to call my bluff. Or maybe trying to make himself realize it was actually happening, I don't know.

But I didn't want be near him. I didn't want anything to do with him. He'd rather maintain his pride and cover the lie than try and keep us together. He didn't care about me, he didn't care about me at all. That's what was running through my mind.

I whirled myself around to face him and screamed "go away!"

The second I turned away from him tears practically bust from my eyes and I couldn't breathe. It took everything in my power not to fall to the ground right then and there. I instantly regretted everything I had said and I no longer cared that he lied to me. I turned back around to tell him I didn't mean it but he was already walking away. He wasn't going to try to stop me. He really didn't care, I thought.

Somehow I got my feet to move and I started walking home from Crestview, absolutely sobbing the whole way. This was the first time in years I had cried like this at all, let alone in public. I was mortified at myself for being so weak but I couldn't stop it.

Then I saw his car and saw him pull over. I was overjoyed! Not that I would show it, I'm a bit too proud sometimes too.

He told me to get in the car. Without an apology, I was not about to do that. I asked him again if he lied to me. He said no. It was like someone smashing my heart with a hammer. I walked around his car and kept going.

He stopped a couple more times and every time it was just another blow to my chest and I could feel myself dying more and more with every step. Night had fallen now so I collapsed in the shadows of some trees on the side of the highway until I could calm myself down and work up the energy to move.

Then soon after that he saw me and he actually got out of his car. My heart started beating back to life when I saw that he actually might be trying. He held me and I cried into his chest. He asked if I would get in the car and I asked him again if he lied. After a pause, he said no.

I pushed him away and started sobbing again. I'm not sure what I was thinking at this point. Probably the same as before. He didn't care, he just didn't want to cause a scene. Or maybe he felt guilty making me walk. Or maybe that he only 'cared' out of habit. I don't know.

I crossed the street after that and sat at the tiny veteran's memorial for a little bit. Really it probably wasn't more than ten minutes but it felt like forever. I sat and thought about my choices. I had decided that him being too stubborn to admit anything wasn't worth me losing him. And I decided if he stopped me again, I'd go with him. Then I got up, and walked.

He never stopped me again.

As it turns out, I passed him when he was parked at the bank on the corner. Funny thing is--okay, it's not funny at all, but... interesting rather I guess--I'm pretty sure I saw his car there. But I was thinking I saw his car everywhere because I wanted every white car to be his. But he didn't get out of the car so I must have figured it wasn't him. By that point my eyes were blurred anyway. I was more walking blindly than anything, stopping every couple minutes or so to collapse on the ground and try to breathe.

I had called both Luke and Aaron to see if they could pick me up--they were my only real good friends at this point-- but neither could. I honestly didn't believe I'd make it.

I sat at the apartments behind my house for about an hour, staring at my phone and praying Brandon would call me. Praying.

I finally went inside after a long time and ran straight upstairs. I didn't want my family seeing me like that. But my parents could tell in my voice and how I went straight up that something was seriously wrong. They came up one at a time and tried to talk to me but I kept my face shoved in my pillow. I wasn't going to let them see me cry.

My family, let alone anybody, didn't see me smile a real smile again for months. Actually, tonight was probably the first hardy laugh my family has heard since that day. All because my sister walked straight into a wall. It was hysterical.

My family, even though they know little about the real me, the see it more than anyone. At home, I don't put on a show; I don't wear any mask. I mostly just lock myself in my room and stay away from everyone so I don't have to pretend.

This new life, my life now, it sucks. My health, my dad's health, my parents' relationship, my mom's credibility, money, the amount of work I have, I finally have great friends but most live too far away to see regularly, I can't be in guard because of school (no one realizes how much that one hurts me), I have no confidence, no self worth, and I don't really care about hardly anything. So bottom line, every single aspect of my life bites. Hard.

If I didn't have Breanna caring about me all the time, I'd probably lose it.

And there's the fact that I don't have Brandon. The old Brandon, the one I dated for 8 months before the next two months we dated and the five that followed fucked everything up. But that man isn't coming back. And this new Brandon, the one who acts like he sometimes wants to be my friend, I can't expect him to be anything. It wouldn't be fair to him or to me.

I'm getting better at this life though. I can deal with it now. It's definitely changed me a lot and taught me more than I could have imagined. All these adjustments and evolutions, they're more than what I can express on paper. Or... screen, I guess.

Now I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to launch me into my next life. Whether it be a cure for my heart problems, somehow coming into money, a great job I get through co-ops, or even a boy stealing my heart away, I'm here, waiting for you to come along to save me.

Please, come soon.

316am

If You Only Knew

1223

I went back and read my first three or four entries.

I really wish I hadn't.

It hurt so much to go through that again.

On a lighter note-kind of- I got to see how right I was about some things back then. Of course, they were all things that made my life exponentially worse. But hey, I was right ;)

*sigh

That was just over five months ago. Half as long as the relationship we had altogether. At least I know now that there is no chance. Nothing is going to happen. He hardly even cares enough about me to consider me a friend.

I just had to let myself hope. I'm so stupid. He had messaged me first, actually tried to keep our conversation going, and was willing to see me; I got too excited. I thought he wanted to be friends again. And with the way Sam talked about the casual dating thing, why he'd want my opinion... I had disregarded his view on it, but the idea still lingered in the back of my mind. That damn small shard of hope.

I should know better than to hope. Hope is for the weak and desperate, those who have nothing else to lose. I'm too far past that point. I've lost everything I have and so much more.

I'm going back to masked numbness. This whole "feeling" thing is overrated anyway. Sam's done with Erin and no longer needs me so I have no reason to feel any more. It will be nice to go back and be rid of this pain on the outside. I can handle it on the inside well enough.

This damn medicine is not helping at all. Neither are the stupid anti-depressants. Why can't they just give me something that works? Or rather, why can't medicine actually help me like a NORMAL PERSON?

I'm so sick of this. It makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Or kick concrete with a bare foot. Or smash my hand in a door. Anything to snap me away from the spinning.

1246

I Want to Hold Your Hand

514am

Last night--I think it was last night-- I said I hurt myself again. And I did, just not physically. I didn't mean it like that. This is much worse.

Adrian stayed the night tonight. The cops showed up at Max's. Twas hilarious. The twenty-some people who'd been drinking instantly sobered up and tried to be as normal as possible. They took everyone's name, birthdate, and how much they'd drank down. Kyle, a Beechwood senior who's name I can't remember, Adrian, and I were the only ones who hadn't been drinking so we had to drive everyone home. Well I took Adrian to my house. He was supposed to stay the night at Max's but no one who wasn't family was allowed to.

The people deemed sober got breathilized. It's really not as cool as people make it sound.

Ha, so funny story: the kid who's name I can't remember, he drove a couple kids up the street and then came back to the house for another car load. When he walked in the door again, he said, "Hey! I heard there was a party he--oh..." he said and looked at the cops. Even the officers laughed.

I hate not getting any sleep. I want to sleep so badly. Maybe I should take medicine for it. Three different pills a day isn't too bad for someone my age, right?

Adrian talked to me about his medicine tonight. It makes me worry about Brandon. You can only take one every 16 hours or you could all into a coma or worse. That scares the hell out of me. I could easily imagine him taking more to 'make it work better/sooner.' Also, Adrian takes it only every other day as to not get addicted or start to rely on them. I don't know how often Brandon takes them, but again, I worry.

And, again, this is why I don't take anything to fall asleep. It would be too easy to make a mistake, whether on accident or purpose...

What a crappy Valentine's Day today is going to be. Actually, after 4 once I'm with Breanna, it'll be fun. But any day with her would be. Valentine's Day without a valentine, it's depressing and upsetting. Then again, last year was the only time I've had a real valentine. *sigh

I'm such a stupid romantic. I want so much for someone to surprise me tomorrow or something. To make me feel less pathetic about my shitty love life.

Found out Brandon is keeping up with this. It's nice to know he's somewhat interested in my life. Probably because it's so damn entertaining to the outside world. It's practically a soap opera. Or it could be that it's a huge ego boost to him now.

Everything I write is so short and choppy. Probably because my mind is in a million places all the time. After every sentence it seems I pause and think about something before writing the next. Lacks coherency because of that. I hope it's not too bad.

He makes my heart race. Literally and figuratively.

Stupid boy.

I'm Alive

140am

Sam's almost over Erin. Thank. God. Now I can go back to that empty numbness I used to feel, or rather not feel. I'm sick and tired of the pain.

The situations with Chad shouldn't be a decision. It should be a want. I know my answer now.

I make a lot of dumb mistakes when I type late at night. Like putting in random commas where they don't even remotely make sense or putting in the wrong word. Sorry about that.

Tonight's a really crappy night. My whole body is pulsing and for some reason, I'm in so much pain. Not physically of course. I don't know what's going on.

I... I did it again. I hurt myself again.

I feel so miserable tonight. I wish I knew why.

Fall for You

1246am

I never came back the other night, hope you don't mind.

Oh the things to talk about tonight.

First of all, BREANNA! Child! -yeah, I went there. She had better not fake having sex or being raped again. Or she's toast. GOT IT HON???????

Needless to say, I was freaking out with worry when she told me that. Oh, and revenge is beyond question. Just you wait...

>:D

Ha ha.

Hm, my heads spinning now. I'm surprised; it was good all today and yesterday.

That snowball fight was epic yesterday. Or two days ago now I suppose. There were maybe twenty of us, snowballs were constantly flying, people were getting tackled left and right down that hill, and that five foot snowball was ridiculous. It was awesome.

Speaking of snow, got stuck in it today. I was on my way to school, still on my street and even driving slowly when my car lost all traction and started to turn. I ended up halfway in someone's yard. Some lady I don't know from up the street was stuck in her driveway too and helped dig me out. After like 20 minutes we gave up and I walked back home to email my teacher. That was at 9 something. Of course later Clayton text me to make fun of me because he saw it haha. He offered to help push it out after he got off work at 630, but family friend Jimmy Lorie knocked on my door around 2, having seen the car and recognized it. Of course he still thought it was my mom's. But being mister fix-it guy he is, he had a snow plow on his car and salt in the back. After lots of shoveling and salt and help from some other stranger who lives on my street to push, we got it out.

Now I just hope I can make it to the gas station tomorrow before school. The light came on yesterday on the way home. I was headed there first thing this morning, but now with how long we had the car on to get it out, I'm not sure I'll get there. Oh well, haha, we'll just have to wait and see.

Chad asked me out again yesterday. It was a very serious offer. He said we could figure visit on breaks and talk on the video chat our computers have. He really wants to make it work. We were watching a movie with some other people so we were whispering. I told him I'd talk to him about it another time when it was easier.

I don't know what I'm going to tell him. It's really hard hurting people, telling them no. Wow, that sounded conceited. I really didn't mean to. But I mean, I've had to do it for a long time and it always makes me feel awful. Ever since... ha, Aaron in seventh grade. I think he was the first person to ask me out. That I even had trouble with. So much so that I 'dated' JT in order to get out of it. HA! Now that relationship was a joke. But let's not get into that.

I don't think I could date Chad though. ---

Hold up. I'm going to beat these boys. Aaron's cutting himself because his life sucks and Sam says I don't know how he feels. ARE THEY FUCKING STUPID???!! They're lucky I don't have gas in my car because there would be some serious ass kicking tonight.

Okay, not really. I'm too lazy to get out of bed. But I'm in the process of going off on both of them.

Aaron's case:

A friend of his from college tried (but thankfully failed) to commit suicide and he thinks it's his fault because when she said something about it, he responded, "I bet you won't. :)"

He gives himself too much credit. She probably would have done it anyway. And that is not worth hurting himself over either. `He asked how I would know. --That's right, he knows very little about my problems and what I've been through.

I told him about Tanner, without using his name. Tanner's suicide incident in October, that is. Oh wait, I may never have mentioned it on here. Well if I didn't, Tanner tried to overdose in October. That was the only time he'd done something like that since we'd been friends. It was the night I talked to Katie, nonetheless.

I'm surprised I never wrote about it. It really hurt me that he did that. At that point and time, Tanner was like my saving grace. He knew everything I was feeling. And he had been through so much outside of that too, what with his father dying when he was little, living in such a bad neighborhood until high school, and the brain surgery. He was so strong and I looked up to him.

I remember visiting him in the hospital with Luke. We sat with him and talked and played cards for a little bit until the nurses made us leave. When we went to leave, I hugged him and whispered to him that he had better not do that to me again. I told him that I needed him and if he did, I'd kill him. And if he succeeded in his attempt, I'd bring him back and kill him. He laughed at my joke but started to cry silently. This is the only time he's ever seen me cry.

It was Luke's second and last time. The other time I cried in front of Luke was the last confrontation I had with Brandon. When we sat in my car a little ways up the street from his house one night until his family got home. What really hurt me the most was that Brandon almost or did lose a tear or two. The moment I realized I'd hurt him that much, I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut with a dull knife. I couldn't go back to my house. Tears flowed from my eyes so quickly, I could hardly drive. So I went to Luke's and cried into his chest without saying much of anything for about an hour. He almost had to drive me back to my house, but I didn't want my parents to know anything. And they still don't. They really don't know anything about my life.

Ha, but just the idea that people once thought there was something going on between me and Luke is hysterical. I never once could consider him as anything even remotely more than a friend. That would be so. freaking. weird. But hey, that's high school for you. A girl and guy can't be friends without it being more than that. I should have learned when Clayton thought I was doing shit with Joseph. Granted, I did like Joseph when Clayton and I were dating. But I would never have done anything with him. Ha, I even shoved him over once when he tried to kiss me. It was actually hard to do, but I wasn't going to do that to Clayton. I cared about him too. But yeah. High school is dumb. Thank God for college. People grow up then.

Wow, I am off track. I got it through Aaron's head though and he's promised not to hurt himself again. He seems to mean it too.

Now Sam. Here was my response: I have no idea? Really Sam? Falling into a depression, hurting myself, developing a fucking heart condition because I was in so much pain, and doing everything but revolving my life around the person I loved for five months just to get him to talk to me again and be my friend? Clearly I don't know how you feel.

That made him feel bad. Dumbass. He sent me a long text saying he didn't mean it and I've helped him more than anyone and he's so thankful to have me.

*sigh

I'm over this. What was I talking about before?

Oh. Chad. Great.

I don't think I could date him. Because it's college and we're kind of busy, I live twenty minutes away, and we'd rarely see each other on breaks (and don't get me started on co-ops), it would likely be casual. That's not really how I work. I like serious relationships. Not serious like seeing each other all the time, but serious as in each person meaning the world to the other. Chad and I wouldn't have enough time to get there before things get difficult. Well, he might. It seems he almost has already.

But I don't think I would. I normally, spend months considering a guy before I date him, talking to him, getting to know him, becoming his best friend, falling for him. Or else in Brandon's case, it's instantaneous. The latter didn't happen with Chad.

Now we are really close friends. And maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm just not sure it's what I want. But it may be what I need. I just don't know. I do worry though about his lying history. And I'm afraid it'd become too much of a physical relationship than anything else. But who knows. He could be different with girlfriends. He could be different with me. He really does seem to want to make this work.

I don't know. I really don't have any reason to say no like I have in the past to people. No prior obligations, no other crushes (that anything will come of), and obviously no chance with Brandon. He's got Paulina. And anyway, who knows what could come out of it. I could really fall for him. Could.

I'm going to give it some thinking time. Hang out with him a bit more, keeping this in mind. I really hate these decisions.

Ha, maybe I will have a Valentine after all. Between Chad and Joey, I'm all but set.

I'm afraid Joey is getting too ahead of himself concerning me. He lost the bet we made about the Superbowl outcome so he's taking me to lunch. Now he wants to see a movie too. I said sure without thinking it all through. I mean, I see movies, eat, and hang out with guys all the time without it being anything more than friends. But thinking about it now, Joey could want more. He's openly told me, way more times than I could count, that he's liked me ever since I've known him. For a long time, he'd tell me he was in love with me. I has so glad when he got over that. He tells me he loves me now, but I take it as a friend way and say it back. And maybe I am over analyzing it. Maybe he isn't thinking about me romantically at all. I hope. He's literally like a little brother to me. I couldn't imagine him being anything besides that.

Oh! I need to talk about that dream from, what, two weeks ago now? Then again, it is creeping upon 3am and I'm getting up at 730. Maybe I should try to force myself to sleep. ... Or maybe not. Here we go.

I started off (or what I can remember) dead. I was a ghost. I still looked like me but my opacity was low. So your typical ghost without the paleness. And I was perfectly okay with being dead because my family was too. That sounds bad, I know. What I mean is I didn't have to worry about me dying and hurting my family. If I died alone, my sister would be left having to deal with our parents alone, my dad has heart problems as it is, and my mom would be just crushed. It still sounds bad. Okay well it couldn't be helped that they died too so get off my back about it already! :)

I have this feeling we were killed. It's a little too convenient we'd all die at once. But I can't quite place how. I know it wasn't a car accident. I almost feel like it may have been someone who did it, but something is a little off about that. Maybe something collapsed? Like under us or over us. This feels more right than the others.

Back to the story. We were waiting in kind of long line to go to the next life. But we left the line and went to or were taken to a small house. There, we sat in the kitchen with Aaron and Taylor Prewitt for sure, and also two of either Liz, Anielia, or Elena. I just can't pin point which two. But whichever four it was, they could see us like we were still alive.

My family pretty much faded into the background from here on. But I talked to my four friends about what was going on. Mostly about how they reacted and ideas about what the other side was going to be like. I don't remember anything they actually said though.

It was a strange choice of people in there. I think Liz and Anielia were the other two. I'm leaning towards that because then it would make sense these were my oldest close friends. I may not be close to all of them now, but I was at one point.

Next I remember Aaron sitting me down and showing me a little book. It looked like it was hand made out of construction paper and the writing was in magazine clippings. It was messages from everyone who couldn't be in this room to see me. But it wasn't like the people made this book. It was more like the book was reading their thoughts on me. What they thought about my death, how much they'd miss me, how they'd get through it.

Aaron flipped through the book with me. It was mostly people saying they missed me and wanted to see me again. I can't remember who said what or even who said anything in the book. Except one.

Hm, this is the reason I've been putting this off.

It got to this page. It's the only page I can clearly remember anything about, even if it's only a small part of it. Arched across the top of the half sheet of construction paper, the words, "I love you so much" were pasted. It was from Brandon. In the dream, I sat there motionless. I just stared at the words, reading them over and over. There was no emotion on my face, no thoughts in my mind. I just read it again and again. In the dream, it felt so true and I so easily believed it.

I forced myself awake then because I didn't want to feel the pain I knew I soon would at the realization that it wasn't true. But I found tears already streaked down my cheeks and still running out of my eyes.

Some of the things I write on here, they're really hard to live through again as I type. I know you can't tell much though written word, but it can become really difficult. Like talking about Tanner hurting himself, that dream, or my past. It hurts a lot. Like I'm going through it all over again, only watered down.

There's often things I don't want to write because of you two who read this. But this is my only release, my only way to get these millions of thoughts out of my head. I don't lie on here. Everything is one hundred percent true to how I feel at the time. And sometimes that changes. Sometimes I say things I don't mean because I'm mad or upset. But at the time, it's how I felt.

I also only write about my highs, my lows, and the things that won't leave my mind. There's a lot in between when ideas and views may change.

Like being with Brandon. I go back and fourth on that often, depending on how I feel at the time. Overall, I'm just trying to be his friend again. I honestly don't know if I even could date him again. For so many different reasons I'm not going to go into. I'm sure at one point or another, I've covered them. But I do still love him and do still want to be his friend.

"The first time I saw you, I knew it was true, that I'd love you forever, and that's what I'll do. You don't know what you do to me, you don't have a clue, you don't know what it's like to be, me looking at you."

345am

Silence

252am

I have been drawing since 7. And I'm still only like half way done.

Then again, I am the queen of distractions, hence this post. Hey, I need breaks.

It'll just be another all nighter like last night writing that paper I put off... oops... But hey, last night I got two hours and then took a four hour nap this afternoon. And slept through my dentist check up... oops again. But it recharged me. I don't think I'll need to sleep tonight anyway.

Plus, I'm done with classes at 330 tomorrow. I can sleep after that. I just need to finish my digital project and form work for Wednesday... school sucks. Drop out while you still can.

Nah, it's actually pretty awesome. I just put everything off until the last minute because I suck.

Ian surprised me tonight. Just like ten minutes ago he sent me a message saying he missed my pretty face (ha! Crazy boy...) and that he's been thinking about me lately. We don't talk near as much so he doesn't annoy me as much and it didn't bother me. Then he asked if I wanted anything for Valentine's Day.

Huh. I hadn't thought about it. I told him not to worry about it, of course, and that I didn't need anything. But I really would love it if someone surprised me with a flower or something. I don't know who in their right mind would, but it'd be really nice.

I guess I need to find a Valentine though. Apparently that's the thing to do in college. Everyone has a Valentine, even if it's just a friend. But every girl has a guy and vise versa. And most people already do. This must be normal at other schools or something. Apparently it's just expected. I got weird looks when I questioned it.

I don't want to ask anyone though. I've worked hard to stay just friends with all my guy friends and if my past has anything to say about it, if I let my guard down, they instantly think I want to be more than friends. False.

But still. I felt stupid today being one of the only ones without someone to 'claim.' And it's still like 5 days away.

Normally other people's thoughts wouldn't bother me, but for some reason this time it is.

Meh. I need to draw. I'll probably be back in an hour or so for another break.

325am

Seasons of Love

230am

So I messed last night. I ran off with Jason again for a little bit and dance provocatively with a boy. OH THE HUMANITY! I'm so ashamed...haha. But really. That sucks. I don't do this. It's not me. And I didn't enjoy a second of it; I just wanted it to be over. I just want so desperately to fill this gaping hole I've had for... what? Five months-ish? That's no excuse for me to act that way though.

And I felt awful because I had left Sam. Even if it was only for a little bit. Since Aaron, Luke, and Erin all freaked out because of the weather, I couldn't go see the concert. And, because of the weather and my heart crap, I wasn't allowed to drive down there alone. I actually got kind of pissed and I'm not sure why. Of course I didn't let them know that, but I hid myself in my room so I wouldn't take it out on any innocent bystanders.

Sam was talking to me then and I told him that I wasn't going to the concert anymore. He said, okay, I'm coming to get you. I thought it was quite funny. I inquired about the weather and he reminded me he's from Toledo; yesterdays weather was nothing to him.

So he was the reason I was at Sig Chi last night. He was giving me something to do and I was being a friend to him and helping keep his mind off Erin. We had so much fun! That's the most one-on-one time I've had with him and it was great. We basically goofed off all night, making fun of each other and acting dumb. Twas a blast.

But we also had a lot of really serious talks. Again about Erin and Brandon, but we branched off a bit too.

That night after the party around one thirty, we went back to the dorms and I stayed the night in his, Chad, Joel, and Hao's room. Hao was gone as usual, Chad was already asleep, and Joel was roaming the halls to talk to people who were up. Sam and I laid in his bed and talked quietly for a long time. It was dark and there were a lot of silences/thinking. I apologized for leaving him; I knew he really needed me. But he said of course it was okay and he understood. Then he said something that, a. made me feel bad (though I doubt he meant it to) and b. made me realize that what I did really bad for my sake.

He told me that once I left, he found Stephanie to dance with. When he and I danced, it was fun and light with a good foot or two between us. Stephanie, awesome as she is, is the kind of girl who gets wasted and grinds on boys. This contact brought back a flood of pain that he'd forgotten about all night. He said dancing with Stephanie, or any girls for that matter in that way, made him think of and miss Erin. That she was still the only girl he was interested in at all.

I'm not interested in these boys at all either. And I know that going into it. But I still flirt with them and whatever because I so desperately want to find what I had with Brandon. He doesn't want me, I know. But I want him. Obviously space and time apart hasn't changed that for me and neither has him hurting me. And I've tried everything to convince myself I don't want him. Nothing works. What does love have to be so damn unconditional?

So I guess my thought was to find someone else I felt that way about. I tried to force it upon myself. And I'm stopping that. All it's going to do is make me feel less and less. And let's face it, I don't really want to be over Brandon. Because I'm stupid. I've dealt with the pain this long already, I can last longer. Someone who loves me and wants to be with me will come along eventually. I just need to wait calmly for him, whether I know him already or not.

Around two thirty we heard Joel come in and fall asleep. I fell asleep soon after that and I'm hoping Sam did too. But we would both wake up... dang, it had to be like five times at least throughout the night, and talk for about ten minutes before falling asleep again. I guess we both would wake because we'd feel the other move or something. Ninety percent of the time we'd talk about Erin- what she was thinking now, how to ease himself back to her, what he can say, and all that. A couple times though when it would get really quiet for a while, he'd rub my arm or put his around me and tell me something like I'm great and it'll all work out. He knows when we talk about Erin, I'm thinking about Brandon. And he knew that's what my mind would fill the silences with. Sam's a damn good friend.

He sent me these tonight and it really made me so happy-

"Thanks Ali, you're the bestest bestie anyone can ask for. I'm so glad we've become such good friends. I hope that never changes."

"Last night and this morning were awesome. I've never felt so close to someone I wasn't romantically involved with. It was one of the best experiences of my life."

His closest friend has always been Chad. And let's just say he isn't always the best person to turn to. Like with this Erin problem, Chad is pumped Sam is single again so they can be wingmen to go out and get girls.

Anyway, I'm just so glad I can be there for Samir and really make a difference for him. I really could have used someone like him when I went through this in the beginning. The people I had were incredible. But they had never been through almost exactly what I had. Breanna had never been in the situation (and thank God for that. I do not want her going through this. I'll kill the boy before he has a chance to hurt her >:( ). Luke's situation was different. Post break up was fairly similar, but the relationship itself was totally different. And Tanner. His situation, reaction, all that was sooo much more extreme. With Sam, we're practically on the same level, my instance just being a bit worse.

I never used to think people could change. Clayton never did and Joseph sure as hell did not. But I've changed so much. I can't help but wonder if Brandon has too. I wonder if he did somehow want me, if I could bring myself to give him another chance as well. I think at this point I could, but I don't think I'll know for sure unless I'm in the moment. I know now that I can find and get someone else, but I already have found someone. So it could go either way.

So. Some updates with the heart condition. Here's the verdict-The problem is a nerve in the back of my neck. How is this related to my heart you're wondering? Well this nerve sends signals to almost every organ in my body, including my heart. Because of slack of sleep and extreme stress in the month of September... :/ ... the nerve basically got pissed and told my heart to freak out. My heart drastically dropped my blood pressure and my heart rate shoots up with physical activity, stress, or when I'm tired. So like all the time.

They kept me on that last medicine and also added another: anti-depressants. This problem is often caused by depression apparently-go figure- and also, something in the medicine also helps calm the nerve or fix the signals sent or something. They're very worried I'm going to have thoughts of hurting myself or worse because of my thoughts the last however many months. So I'm under heavy duty watch when I'm home. Which is stupid because 1. it doesn't show any effect at all for three weeks, and 2. I have enough reason to stay alive to do anything drastic between my sister, Breanna, Sam, and Brandon being somewhat back in my life.

We're hanging out this week and I'm happy. And he instigated it. I'm more happy.

I'm still not up to talking about the dream. Maybe next time.

Fall to Pieces

1114pm

This will be one of those random thought nights.

That last post was really pointless. I apologize for that. I'm not sure why I even wrote it.

Today has been awful, heart-wise. I've felt it pounding in my chest literally all day. It's very... uncomfortable.

And it had put me on edge the whole time. Normally when your heart races, you're anticipating something scary or exciting or at least something. But I've had nothing. So it keeps piling on top of itself.

It almost hurts. Not physically, but like an emotional pain maybe. It's hard to describe. But this extreme build up without release... it's starting to effect me in other ways. I feel sick to my stomach and my head is pounding. I feel almost too dizzy to walk.

I'm going to the heart doctor tomorrow. Maybe this time they'll actually figure something out and give me medication that works. This is the second medicine they've given me that has done virtually nothing. The first made it worse. With this one, it seemed to help the past couple days, but this is the worst I've felt in a long time. I'm thinking it only suppressed it for a couple days and now it's all coming out.

fml

Another thing. I curse a lot now. I should really tone it down. I don't think about it, I've just been around people who do a lot and I guess it's rubbed off on me. Luke was surprised by it the other night. I hadn't even noticed. I'm going to watch out for it a bit now.

Valentine's Day is going to. Suck. Hard.

You know what else is going to suck? The Sigma Chi Winter Formal. Either I'm going to go and it has very high potential for being extremely uncomfortable, or I'm going to sit at home and feel shitty for not being asked. It's not like I have any other obligations or guys stopping me from going, just them not asking. Chad said he was originally going to ask me, but he doesn't think he should any more because he thinks Jason might. Which he has yet to and I'm not so sure he will. Then again, Chad thinks a lot higher of me than I do myself. Then there's Sam. He's brought up to me several times that he doesn't have a date now. He hasn't asked me and I'm hoping he doesn't. That would be really weird and I feel like, even though she basically hates him now, I'd be going against Erin or doing her wrong. Not sure how to put it. But it's a big no-no either way.

So. My preference-Chad asks me. I still don't know Jason all that well and Chad's one of my best friends. And that way I can hang out with him and Sam that night. I think with Jason, we'd be around more people his age I don't know. But I do already have a cute little dress to wear that either I or my mom bought a while ago. It was on sale and just to have in case I needed something formal-ish. Could come in handy, if not for this, maybe for the fashion show in the spring. Anyway, the formal is not until the end of the month. We will see.

Samir Naseem. Love the boy to death, he's one of my best friends at school and I'd do just about anything for him, but he's killing me. All these pains, emotions, questions-they're everything I went through. The thing is, I had finally dealt with all of this and put it behind me (or at least buried it). He's bringing it all back up to the surface and causing me to feel everything all over again. It's been so hard being around him this week.

I really can't stay away from him though. I'm the only one of his friends who's been through this and he turns to me for everything. And I can't help but to be there for him. To tell him my opinion, from experience with Brandon what works and what doesn't (more doesn't than anything), and stories of what I went through. That's the hardest part. Reliving all of it. I have to relive all the stupid things I did that ruined everything.

I feel... regret. Going through it all again having changed as much as I have, I see every mistake I made. Like expecting too much, smothering him, not thinking before I would spill everything to him, and pushing him away among many others. There's so much I could have done better, or rather, not done at all. Things could have been so much different.

Then again, maybe they wouldn't have.

*Warning: the following is all off observation because Brandon would never tell me anything. It's all I have to go by and this is only an option, not something I truly--or would even like to--believe.*

Things for Brandon changed in July once band season picked up. He was falling out of love with me. Or if he didn't, then he instead was starting to like Katie too. She told me everything that night I was at her house.

Around then is when Katie said he started texting her more. And she, apparently, was hesitant about it at first because of me. But she did like him. We only have so much will power. He'd talk to her almost every day, call her pretty and all that comes with flirting, and he'd text her first. Something he would hardly do with me at that point. It was that lack of interest in me that caused me to notice a change in him at the time, way before I knew all this about him and Katie.

After we officially broke up, they immediately started going on "dates," holding hands, and kissing. This was all secretive of course. That should have been an instant sign to her that something was sketch. He told her he didn't want anyone to know. I guess he still did care enough about me that he didn't want to instantly kill me. Either that or he thought he could have us both at once. Which he did for a little bit. That sure broke her down when I told her he's been telling me he'd eventually want to get back together, that he still loved me (ha.), and that we were still... doing things together. I think what hurt her even more was that Aaron was talking to Alicia who Brandon lied to and told he didn't care about Katie. Katie lost it at that point and it was maybe a half or so before she could talk on the subject again.

Anyway, I think Katie is the reason he didn't want to get back together. All that "I want to be able to give you more time," and "I just can't have you always being on my mind distracting me for auditions" was a load of crap. Maybe it had some truth to it, but if he really loved me, it wouldn't be enough to stay broken up with me. That's why I never understood and was tried so desperately to get him back. After I talked with Katie, I understood it and slowed if not stopped. I don't remember exactly. Those first two or three months are straight blurs.

But none of that matters anymore. And it's all just an observation. Maybe he really was just annoyed by her like he told me when she'd talk to him. Maybe she made up what she said about the summer. Maybe he only turned to her because he was upset by our break up, knew she liked him, and used her to make himself feel better. Maybe she made up all that too.

While not dismissing those ideas, I find them extremely unlikely. She wouldn't have been as upset as she was if it wasn't true. Love her, and no offense to her, but she really not bright enough to fake all that. But who knows. I could be missing something else entirely. It's easy to assume the worst.

And all this and so much more that I had completely removed from my being over a period of almost five months, Sam brings back in less than a week. Awesome. But I'm better at this now. Give me a couple days and I'll be back to how I was before I started helping him. I'm significantly more accepting of things now. I mean, what do I have to lose? My life is already crap. Stressing myself out over the past isn't going to help in any way. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm serious. I'd rather not make that list again, but basically school and select friends are all I have going for me right now. Family, money, health, job, other friends, love. Every other aspect of my life. It's all fucked already. But whatever. I understand it, embrace it, roll with it. What else can I do? Soak in self pity? I'll pass. That's what this is for. To say it, get it out, and be done with it for the time being. Like how I'm done with this.

I was going to talk about that dream next. But I want to watch Bleach. Some other time then.

Night.

1255am

Defying Gravity

1236am

Hm. Friends. I think I can do this.

I want to, or more accurately, have to do this.

I learned I can pretty much act normal around Brandon now. I can freely say his name on here too instead of almost always using he without wincing. Something else I learned tonight-I'm more jealous than I realized. Seeing Paulina hover around him at the concert, I felt like I was choking. I had to keep my back to them and talk to someone else as a distraction. FTS.

Another thing I learned tonight--or realized-- is how much I missed hearing him play his saxophone.

And how much I love it when he loses himself in what he plays.

I realized that my heart jolts when he looks at me then looks away quickly once I catch him.

And that seeing his name pop up on my phone can instantly melt away all my pain and stress.

And that he's this little, pessimistic, music obsessed, stubborn and complicated boy that I can't help but to always want to be around.

And how lovely his smile is.

-His cheesy smile that quints his eyes, the forced half smile he makes when something's on his mind or he isn't comfortable, the whimsical smile used when he's daydreaming or he's about to fall asleep, that small smile he makes and then looks down like he's embarrassed, his cute and childish proud smile, and his posed smile that he uses in pictures that doesn't quite reach his eyes. But my favorite, it lights up his face. It often comes with a short laugh that leaves his mouth open. His eyes get just the tiniest bit wider and his cheeks are pronounced. It's the smile he makes when he's genuinely happy or excited about something. I haven't seen this smile in months. Then again, I've hardly seen him at all in that time.

All these things, they aren't new to me; I had just forgotten about them until tonight. I had left them locked up back with all our other memories.

But yeah, acting normal. Not like that hesitant, quiet girl at the park. I'm not going to chance losing him again by being...awkward (may be the best way to put it) around him. As long as we're friends and he's in my life, maybe I can really move on. I could pursue Jason. Or take Chad up on his offer. I already feel like that would be easier now. Not easy to do, but easier.

It's like Brandon's my lifeline. My muse that keeps me going. Lovely choice fate, lovely choice. You think next time you could pick someone who actually wants me back? Please?

Anyway, I think I'm going to change the site name to see this. I'll tell Breanna the new one, but I don't think I want Brandon in my head anymore. If he is going to be in my life in any way, I don't think he should get an advantage ;) Plus, it may cause more harm than good. Then again, it may have been doing that all along. It did for sure do one good thing. It got us talking again. Ever since that night he asked if I was doing okay after he saw the crap that is my life on here, we've been able to talk and even see each other. Score one for the journal!

But yeah, I'm going to figure out how to change it I think. Hopefully he sees this before I do so he has a warning.

Eh, I guess it won't make a difference.

Real quick, urban dictionary is the shit. See this-

DAAP

The purgatory of the Greater Cincinnati Area. The College of Design, Art, Architecture, and Planning at the University of Cincinnati is where all the cool, well-dress, and talented kids in Cincinnati go to school. Students are worked nearly to death, never sleep, and develop some type of addiction before graduation (weed, alcohol, coke, abuse), and somehow miss it when they go on internship quarters. DAAP students all promptly leave Cincinnati after graduation to live in better cities like New York, Seattle, and New Orleans. DAAP is my abusive boyfriend. I tried to leave once, but I missed the torture so much I just had to go back and finish (otherwise I'll never get out of this town).

So. True. How awesome is that?

Speaking of, I need to be there bright and early tomorrow. I've got quite the day ahead of me...

Sleep tight.