Fall for You

1246am

I never came back the other night, hope you don't mind.

Oh the things to talk about tonight.

First of all, BREANNA! Child! -yeah, I went there. She had better not fake having sex or being raped again. Or she's toast. GOT IT HON???????

Needless to say, I was freaking out with worry when she told me that. Oh, and revenge is beyond question. Just you wait...

>:D

Ha ha.

Hm, my heads spinning now. I'm surprised; it was good all today and yesterday.

That snowball fight was epic yesterday. Or two days ago now I suppose. There were maybe twenty of us, snowballs were constantly flying, people were getting tackled left and right down that hill, and that five foot snowball was ridiculous. It was awesome.

Speaking of snow, got stuck in it today. I was on my way to school, still on my street and even driving slowly when my car lost all traction and started to turn. I ended up halfway in someone's yard. Some lady I don't know from up the street was stuck in her driveway too and helped dig me out. After like 20 minutes we gave up and I walked back home to email my teacher. That was at 9 something. Of course later Clayton text me to make fun of me because he saw it haha. He offered to help push it out after he got off work at 630, but family friend Jimmy Lorie knocked on my door around 2, having seen the car and recognized it. Of course he still thought it was my mom's. But being mister fix-it guy he is, he had a snow plow on his car and salt in the back. After lots of shoveling and salt and help from some other stranger who lives on my street to push, we got it out.

Now I just hope I can make it to the gas station tomorrow before school. The light came on yesterday on the way home. I was headed there first thing this morning, but now with how long we had the car on to get it out, I'm not sure I'll get there. Oh well, haha, we'll just have to wait and see.

Chad asked me out again yesterday. It was a very serious offer. He said we could figure visit on breaks and talk on the video chat our computers have. He really wants to make it work. We were watching a movie with some other people so we were whispering. I told him I'd talk to him about it another time when it was easier.

I don't know what I'm going to tell him. It's really hard hurting people, telling them no. Wow, that sounded conceited. I really didn't mean to. But I mean, I've had to do it for a long time and it always makes me feel awful. Ever since... ha, Aaron in seventh grade. I think he was the first person to ask me out. That I even had trouble with. So much so that I 'dated' JT in order to get out of it. HA! Now that relationship was a joke. But let's not get into that.

I don't think I could date Chad though. ---

Hold up. I'm going to beat these boys. Aaron's cutting himself because his life sucks and Sam says I don't know how he feels. ARE THEY FUCKING STUPID???!! They're lucky I don't have gas in my car because there would be some serious ass kicking tonight.

Okay, not really. I'm too lazy to get out of bed. But I'm in the process of going off on both of them.

Aaron's case:

A friend of his from college tried (but thankfully failed) to commit suicide and he thinks it's his fault because when she said something about it, he responded, "I bet you won't. :)"

He gives himself too much credit. She probably would have done it anyway. And that is not worth hurting himself over either. `He asked how I would know. --That's right, he knows very little about my problems and what I've been through.

I told him about Tanner, without using his name. Tanner's suicide incident in October, that is. Oh wait, I may never have mentioned it on here. Well if I didn't, Tanner tried to overdose in October. That was the only time he'd done something like that since we'd been friends. It was the night I talked to Katie, nonetheless.

I'm surprised I never wrote about it. It really hurt me that he did that. At that point and time, Tanner was like my saving grace. He knew everything I was feeling. And he had been through so much outside of that too, what with his father dying when he was little, living in such a bad neighborhood until high school, and the brain surgery. He was so strong and I looked up to him.

I remember visiting him in the hospital with Luke. We sat with him and talked and played cards for a little bit until the nurses made us leave. When we went to leave, I hugged him and whispered to him that he had better not do that to me again. I told him that I needed him and if he did, I'd kill him. And if he succeeded in his attempt, I'd bring him back and kill him. He laughed at my joke but started to cry silently. This is the only time he's ever seen me cry.

It was Luke's second and last time. The other time I cried in front of Luke was the last confrontation I had with Brandon. When we sat in my car a little ways up the street from his house one night until his family got home. What really hurt me the most was that Brandon almost or did lose a tear or two. The moment I realized I'd hurt him that much, I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut with a dull knife. I couldn't go back to my house. Tears flowed from my eyes so quickly, I could hardly drive. So I went to Luke's and cried into his chest without saying much of anything for about an hour. He almost had to drive me back to my house, but I didn't want my parents to know anything. And they still don't. They really don't know anything about my life.

Ha, but just the idea that people once thought there was something going on between me and Luke is hysterical. I never once could consider him as anything even remotely more than a friend. That would be so. freaking. weird. But hey, that's high school for you. A girl and guy can't be friends without it being more than that. I should have learned when Clayton thought I was doing shit with Joseph. Granted, I did like Joseph when Clayton and I were dating. But I would never have done anything with him. Ha, I even shoved him over once when he tried to kiss me. It was actually hard to do, but I wasn't going to do that to Clayton. I cared about him too. But yeah. High school is dumb. Thank God for college. People grow up then.

Wow, I am off track. I got it through Aaron's head though and he's promised not to hurt himself again. He seems to mean it too.

Now Sam. Here was my response: I have no idea? Really Sam? Falling into a depression, hurting myself, developing a fucking heart condition because I was in so much pain, and doing everything but revolving my life around the person I loved for five months just to get him to talk to me again and be my friend? Clearly I don't know how you feel.

That made him feel bad. Dumbass. He sent me a long text saying he didn't mean it and I've helped him more than anyone and he's so thankful to have me.

*sigh

I'm over this. What was I talking about before?

Oh. Chad. Great.

I don't think I could date him. Because it's college and we're kind of busy, I live twenty minutes away, and we'd rarely see each other on breaks (and don't get me started on co-ops), it would likely be casual. That's not really how I work. I like serious relationships. Not serious like seeing each other all the time, but serious as in each person meaning the world to the other. Chad and I wouldn't have enough time to get there before things get difficult. Well, he might. It seems he almost has already.

But I don't think I would. I normally, spend months considering a guy before I date him, talking to him, getting to know him, becoming his best friend, falling for him. Or else in Brandon's case, it's instantaneous. The latter didn't happen with Chad.

Now we are really close friends. And maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm just not sure it's what I want. But it may be what I need. I just don't know. I do worry though about his lying history. And I'm afraid it'd become too much of a physical relationship than anything else. But who knows. He could be different with girlfriends. He could be different with me. He really does seem to want to make this work.

I don't know. I really don't have any reason to say no like I have in the past to people. No prior obligations, no other crushes (that anything will come of), and obviously no chance with Brandon. He's got Paulina. And anyway, who knows what could come out of it. I could really fall for him. Could.

I'm going to give it some thinking time. Hang out with him a bit more, keeping this in mind. I really hate these decisions.

Ha, maybe I will have a Valentine after all. Between Chad and Joey, I'm all but set.

I'm afraid Joey is getting too ahead of himself concerning me. He lost the bet we made about the Superbowl outcome so he's taking me to lunch. Now he wants to see a movie too. I said sure without thinking it all through. I mean, I see movies, eat, and hang out with guys all the time without it being anything more than friends. But thinking about it now, Joey could want more. He's openly told me, way more times than I could count, that he's liked me ever since I've known him. For a long time, he'd tell me he was in love with me. I has so glad when he got over that. He tells me he loves me now, but I take it as a friend way and say it back. And maybe I am over analyzing it. Maybe he isn't thinking about me romantically at all. I hope. He's literally like a little brother to me. I couldn't imagine him being anything besides that.

Oh! I need to talk about that dream from, what, two weeks ago now? Then again, it is creeping upon 3am and I'm getting up at 730. Maybe I should try to force myself to sleep. ... Or maybe not. Here we go.

I started off (or what I can remember) dead. I was a ghost. I still looked like me but my opacity was low. So your typical ghost without the paleness. And I was perfectly okay with being dead because my family was too. That sounds bad, I know. What I mean is I didn't have to worry about me dying and hurting my family. If I died alone, my sister would be left having to deal with our parents alone, my dad has heart problems as it is, and my mom would be just crushed. It still sounds bad. Okay well it couldn't be helped that they died too so get off my back about it already! :)

I have this feeling we were killed. It's a little too convenient we'd all die at once. But I can't quite place how. I know it wasn't a car accident. I almost feel like it may have been someone who did it, but something is a little off about that. Maybe something collapsed? Like under us or over us. This feels more right than the others.

Back to the story. We were waiting in kind of long line to go to the next life. But we left the line and went to or were taken to a small house. There, we sat in the kitchen with Aaron and Taylor Prewitt for sure, and also two of either Liz, Anielia, or Elena. I just can't pin point which two. But whichever four it was, they could see us like we were still alive.

My family pretty much faded into the background from here on. But I talked to my four friends about what was going on. Mostly about how they reacted and ideas about what the other side was going to be like. I don't remember anything they actually said though.

It was a strange choice of people in there. I think Liz and Anielia were the other two. I'm leaning towards that because then it would make sense these were my oldest close friends. I may not be close to all of them now, but I was at one point.

Next I remember Aaron sitting me down and showing me a little book. It looked like it was hand made out of construction paper and the writing was in magazine clippings. It was messages from everyone who couldn't be in this room to see me. But it wasn't like the people made this book. It was more like the book was reading their thoughts on me. What they thought about my death, how much they'd miss me, how they'd get through it.

Aaron flipped through the book with me. It was mostly people saying they missed me and wanted to see me again. I can't remember who said what or even who said anything in the book. Except one.

Hm, this is the reason I've been putting this off.

It got to this page. It's the only page I can clearly remember anything about, even if it's only a small part of it. Arched across the top of the half sheet of construction paper, the words, "I love you so much" were pasted. It was from Brandon. In the dream, I sat there motionless. I just stared at the words, reading them over and over. There was no emotion on my face, no thoughts in my mind. I just read it again and again. In the dream, it felt so true and I so easily believed it.

I forced myself awake then because I didn't want to feel the pain I knew I soon would at the realization that it wasn't true. But I found tears already streaked down my cheeks and still running out of my eyes.

Some of the things I write on here, they're really hard to live through again as I type. I know you can't tell much though written word, but it can become really difficult. Like talking about Tanner hurting himself, that dream, or my past. It hurts a lot. Like I'm going through it all over again, only watered down.

There's often things I don't want to write because of you two who read this. But this is my only release, my only way to get these millions of thoughts out of my head. I don't lie on here. Everything is one hundred percent true to how I feel at the time. And sometimes that changes. Sometimes I say things I don't mean because I'm mad or upset. But at the time, it's how I felt.

I also only write about my highs, my lows, and the things that won't leave my mind. There's a lot in between when ideas and views may change.

Like being with Brandon. I go back and fourth on that often, depending on how I feel at the time. Overall, I'm just trying to be his friend again. I honestly don't know if I even could date him again. For so many different reasons I'm not going to go into. I'm sure at one point or another, I've covered them. But I do still love him and do still want to be his friend.

"The first time I saw you, I knew it was true, that I'd love you forever, and that's what I'll do. You don't know what you do to me, you don't have a clue, you don't know what it's like to be, me looking at you."

345am