This will be one of those random thought nights.
That last post was really pointless. I apologize for that. I'm not sure why I even wrote it.
Today has been awful, heart-wise. I've felt it pounding in my chest literally all day. It's very... uncomfortable.
And it had put me on edge the whole time. Normally when your heart races, you're anticipating something scary or exciting or at least something. But I've had nothing. So it keeps piling on top of itself.
It almost hurts. Not physically, but like an emotional pain maybe. It's hard to describe. But this extreme build up without release... it's starting to effect me in other ways. I feel sick to my stomach and my head is pounding. I feel almost too dizzy to walk.
I'm going to the heart doctor tomorrow. Maybe this time they'll actually figure something out and give me medication that works. This is the second medicine they've given me that has done virtually nothing. The first made it worse. With this one, it seemed to help the past couple days, but this is the worst I've felt in a long time. I'm thinking it only suppressed it for a couple days and now it's all coming out.
fml
Another thing. I curse a lot now. I should really tone it down. I don't think about it, I've just been around people who do a lot and I guess it's rubbed off on me. Luke was surprised by it the other night. I hadn't even noticed. I'm going to watch out for it a bit now.
Valentine's Day is going to. Suck. Hard.
You know what else is going to suck? The Sigma Chi Winter Formal. Either I'm going to go and it has very high potential for being extremely uncomfortable, or I'm going to sit at home and feel shitty for not being asked. It's not like I have any other obligations or guys stopping me from going, just them not asking. Chad said he was originally going to ask me, but he doesn't think he should any more because he thinks Jason might. Which he has yet to and I'm not so sure he will. Then again, Chad thinks a lot higher of me than I do myself. Then there's Sam. He's brought up to me several times that he doesn't have a date now. He hasn't asked me and I'm hoping he doesn't. That would be really weird and I feel like, even though she basically hates him now, I'd be going against Erin or doing her wrong. Not sure how to put it. But it's a big no-no either way.
So. My preference-Chad asks me. I still don't know Jason all that well and Chad's one of my best friends. And that way I can hang out with him and Sam that night. I think with Jason, we'd be around more people his age I don't know. But I do already have a cute little dress to wear that either I or my mom bought a while ago. It was on sale and just to have in case I needed something formal-ish. Could come in handy, if not for this, maybe for the fashion show in the spring. Anyway, the formal is not until the end of the month. We will see.
Samir Naseem. Love the boy to death, he's one of my best friends at school and I'd do just about anything for him, but he's killing me. All these pains, emotions, questions-they're everything I went through. The thing is, I had finally dealt with all of this and put it behind me (or at least buried it). He's bringing it all back up to the surface and causing me to feel everything all over again. It's been so hard being around him this week.
I really can't stay away from him though. I'm the only one of his friends who's been through this and he turns to me for everything. And I can't help but to be there for him. To tell him my opinion, from experience with Brandon what works and what doesn't (more doesn't than anything), and stories of what I went through. That's the hardest part. Reliving all of it. I have to relive all the stupid things I did that ruined everything.
I feel... regret. Going through it all again having changed as much as I have, I see every mistake I made. Like expecting too much, smothering him, not thinking before I would spill everything to him, and pushing him away among many others. There's so much I could have done better, or rather, not done at all. Things could have been so much different.
Then again, maybe they wouldn't have.
*Warning: the following is all off observation because Brandon would never tell me anything. It's all I have to go by and this is only an option, not something I truly--or would even like to--believe.*
Things for Brandon changed in July once band season picked up. He was falling out of love with me. Or if he didn't, then he instead was starting to like Katie too. She told me everything that night I was at her house.
Around then is when Katie said he started texting her more. And she, apparently, was hesitant about it at first because of me. But she did like him. We only have so much will power. He'd talk to her almost every day, call her pretty and all that comes with flirting, and he'd text her first. Something he would hardly do with me at that point. It was that lack of interest in me that caused me to notice a change in him at the time, way before I knew all this about him and Katie.
After we officially broke up, they immediately started going on "dates," holding hands, and kissing. This was all secretive of course. That should have been an instant sign to her that something was sketch. He told her he didn't want anyone to know. I guess he still did care enough about me that he didn't want to instantly kill me. Either that or he thought he could have us both at once. Which he did for a little bit. That sure broke her down when I told her he's been telling me he'd eventually want to get back together, that he still loved me (ha.), and that we were still... doing things together. I think what hurt her even more was that Aaron was talking to Alicia who Brandon lied to and told he didn't care about Katie. Katie lost it at that point and it was maybe a half or so before she could talk on the subject again.
Anyway, I think Katie is the reason he didn't want to get back together. All that "I want to be able to give you more time," and "I just can't have you always being on my mind distracting me for auditions" was a load of crap. Maybe it had some truth to it, but if he really loved me, it wouldn't be enough to stay broken up with me. That's why I never understood and was tried so desperately to get him back. After I talked with Katie, I understood it and slowed if not stopped. I don't remember exactly. Those first two or three months are straight blurs.
But none of that matters anymore. And it's all just an observation. Maybe he really was just annoyed by her like he told me when she'd talk to him. Maybe she made up what she said about the summer. Maybe he only turned to her because he was upset by our break up, knew she liked him, and used her to make himself feel better. Maybe she made up all that too.
While not dismissing those ideas, I find them extremely unlikely. She wouldn't have been as upset as she was if it wasn't true. Love her, and no offense to her, but she really not bright enough to fake all that. But who knows. I could be missing something else entirely. It's easy to assume the worst.
And all this and so much more that I had completely removed from my being over a period of almost five months, Sam brings back in less than a week. Awesome. But I'm better at this now. Give me a couple days and I'll be back to how I was before I started helping him. I'm significantly more accepting of things now. I mean, what do I have to lose? My life is already crap. Stressing myself out over the past isn't going to help in any way. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm serious. I'd rather not make that list again, but basically school and select friends are all I have going for me right now. Family, money, health, job, other friends, love. Every other aspect of my life. It's all fucked already. But whatever. I understand it, embrace it, roll with it. What else can I do? Soak in self pity? I'll pass. That's what this is for. To say it, get it out, and be done with it for the time being. Like how I'm done with this.
I was going to talk about that dream next. But I want to watch Bleach. Some other time then.
Night.
1255am
No comments:
Post a Comment