Wow. That one hurt. A lot more than I thought it would.
Adrian tonight was trying to figure out who would be up for him to talk to since he doesn't sleep either. I suggested a few people, one of which was Brandon. Adrian went on to tell me they don't really talk anymore. He said he thinks it's because he used to like Paulina, who Brandon likes now.
It felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Hearing him say it out loud... I mean yeah, that's where I had put my money, but in the back of my mind, I believed it wasn't true. I had suggested to Brandon to date her if he liked her, and they weren't dating. But actually hearing the words that he liked her coming from one of his friends...I lost all will to hope for anything else in that instant. It wiped away all doubt.
It should not have hurt me as much as it did. But maybe now he can be happy with her. That is what I want more than anything in the world, for him to be happy. And if that's what it takes...
I passed out yesterday. I hadn't done that since the tilt table test.
It was only completely our for a couple seconds, but falling into it and coming out of it took a long time. I was at the model critique for my designer and we were waiting to go on next. Suddenly I started to feel a little sick. I was already dizzy and my heart was already going a bit fast because a car stopped on the highway in front of me on the way to school just before. I had to slam on the breaks and I was sure I was going to hit the person. But all was well.
But I started feeling crappy and suddenly my vision started to go. So I asked Jenn if I could use her seat. I guess I was really pale or something because she immediately asked if I needed any water or food. I told her I was fine but then it got really bad. I started losing control of my senses and I asked for that water. She brought some food I couldn't see any more and I think a can of pop. I was in so much pain now. She and the other model working with me asked me questions and tried to help but I couldn't hear them and I could barely whisper. I couldn't see, hear, feel, or move at this point.
There was nothing for a couple seconds and then things started to come back slowly. I was able to somehow reach for the water with my shaking hands and not spill it on me. Jenn was fanning me off now. After a bit longer I got my senses back mostly. I was still shaking and couldn't really stand, there was a very loud ringing in my ears, and a light would flash in the top left corner of my vision if I tried to focus on one thing for more than a second.
It was our turn now and they got me a stool to sit on and kept the water by me. I tried to stand but almost fell over. The teacher critiquing the outfits just about freaked out and quickly got me a chair with a back. They asked if I'd eaten anything. Ouch. I'm not that skinny. I'm definitely not the typical model. I explained the quick version of my heart problem and they understood. I felt so bad though and kept apologizing to Jenn. I did manage to stand a couple times when they were talking about my look with help from the stool. I held on to that took deep breaths, focusing on what they were saying.
I felt so dumb and was so embarrassed. The room was full of fashion models, students, and teachers. I was ghostly pale and because of that flashing light, I had to continually move my gaze around the room. I looked at the floor a lot so it would be less noticeable.
I was much better by the time the critique was over. I was still dizzy and a little shaky, but overall okay. I apologized to Jenn a hundred more times. She was so sweet about it. She did everything she could to make sure I was alright.
I was afraid to drive right after that and my head was pounding now from the light and the ringing. I called Sam and headed to sit with him and Joel in their room. Sam gave me a head massage which actually really helped a lot for a bit.
When I drove home two hours later, I still hadn't fully recovered so I wanted to be on the phone with someone. Of course the timing was bad and EVERYONE was eating dinner and couldn't talk or answer. Finally halfway home Breanna called me back. Thank goodness. It got my mind off my head and I didn't have to worry.
I'm not exactly sure why it happened though. Sam and I talked and I also thought about it and came up with a couple reasons:
That incident on the highway. My adrenaline was already a little up. Though I don't see why it would have taken the twenty-ish minutes to affect me.
The only thing I had eaten was a piece of cake. But I had only been awake an hour and a half maybe. It would be the same as having a donut for breakfast.
Lack of sleep. Pretty self exclamatory.
Brandon telling me he could be suicidal. And that he'd never tell. That hurt me big time.
My knees could have been locked from standing. Lack of blood flow and all that.
Al options, could all be true. Who's to say?
I need to move on from Brandon. Now. He doesn't want me. I've been saying it forever and I know it. I need to quit putting myself through this pain. He likes Paulina and he's clearly shown me he's not interested in me. He knows how I feel. If he actually liked me he would have done something by now. It would just be so much easier if he'd come out and say he doesn't want me so I would no longer question anything. I'd have no ounce of hope and no reason to hold on to him. And it'd make him happier I'm sure. And that is what I want.
407
No comments:
Post a Comment