I went back and read my first three or four entries.
I really wish I hadn't.
It hurt so much to go through that again.
On a lighter note-kind of- I got to see how right I was about some things back then. Of course, they were all things that made my life exponentially worse. But hey, I was right ;)
*sigh
That was just over five months ago. Half as long as the relationship we had altogether. At least I know now that there is no chance. Nothing is going to happen. He hardly even cares enough about me to consider me a friend.
I just had to let myself hope. I'm so stupid. He had messaged me first, actually tried to keep our conversation going, and was willing to see me; I got too excited. I thought he wanted to be friends again. And with the way Sam talked about the casual dating thing, why he'd want my opinion... I had disregarded his view on it, but the idea still lingered in the back of my mind. That damn small shard of hope.
I should know better than to hope. Hope is for the weak and desperate, those who have nothing else to lose. I'm too far past that point. I've lost everything I have and so much more.
I'm going back to masked numbness. This whole "feeling" thing is overrated anyway. Sam's done with Erin and no longer needs me so I have no reason to feel any more. It will be nice to go back and be rid of this pain on the outside. I can handle it on the inside well enough.
This damn medicine is not helping at all. Neither are the stupid anti-depressants. Why can't they just give me something that works? Or rather, why can't medicine actually help me like a NORMAL PERSON?
I'm so sick of this. It makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Or kick concrete with a bare foot. Or smash my hand in a door. Anything to snap me away from the spinning.
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