So I messed last night. I ran off with Jason again for a little bit and dance provocatively with a boy. OH THE HUMANITY! I'm so ashamed...haha. But really. That sucks. I don't do this. It's not me. And I didn't enjoy a second of it; I just wanted it to be over. I just want so desperately to fill this gaping hole I've had for... what? Five months-ish? That's no excuse for me to act that way though.
And I felt awful because I had left Sam. Even if it was only for a little bit. Since Aaron, Luke, and Erin all freaked out because of the weather, I couldn't go see the concert. And, because of the weather and my heart crap, I wasn't allowed to drive down there alone. I actually got kind of pissed and I'm not sure why. Of course I didn't let them know that, but I hid myself in my room so I wouldn't take it out on any innocent bystanders.
Sam was talking to me then and I told him that I wasn't going to the concert anymore. He said, okay, I'm coming to get you. I thought it was quite funny. I inquired about the weather and he reminded me he's from Toledo; yesterdays weather was nothing to him.
So he was the reason I was at Sig Chi last night. He was giving me something to do and I was being a friend to him and helping keep his mind off Erin. We had so much fun! That's the most one-on-one time I've had with him and it was great. We basically goofed off all night, making fun of each other and acting dumb. Twas a blast.
But we also had a lot of really serious talks. Again about Erin and Brandon, but we branched off a bit too.
That night after the party around one thirty, we went back to the dorms and I stayed the night in his, Chad, Joel, and Hao's room. Hao was gone as usual, Chad was already asleep, and Joel was roaming the halls to talk to people who were up. Sam and I laid in his bed and talked quietly for a long time. It was dark and there were a lot of silences/thinking. I apologized for leaving him; I knew he really needed me. But he said of course it was okay and he understood. Then he said something that, a. made me feel bad (though I doubt he meant it to) and b. made me realize that what I did really bad for my sake.
He told me that once I left, he found Stephanie to dance with. When he and I danced, it was fun and light with a good foot or two between us. Stephanie, awesome as she is, is the kind of girl who gets wasted and grinds on boys. This contact brought back a flood of pain that he'd forgotten about all night. He said dancing with Stephanie, or any girls for that matter in that way, made him think of and miss Erin. That she was still the only girl he was interested in at all.
I'm not interested in these boys at all either. And I know that going into it. But I still flirt with them and whatever because I so desperately want to find what I had with Brandon. He doesn't want me, I know. But I want him. Obviously space and time apart hasn't changed that for me and neither has him hurting me. And I've tried everything to convince myself I don't want him. Nothing works. What does love have to be so damn unconditional?
So I guess my thought was to find someone else I felt that way about. I tried to force it upon myself. And I'm stopping that. All it's going to do is make me feel less and less. And let's face it, I don't really want to be over Brandon. Because I'm stupid. I've dealt with the pain this long already, I can last longer. Someone who loves me and wants to be with me will come along eventually. I just need to wait calmly for him, whether I know him already or not.
Around two thirty we heard Joel come in and fall asleep. I fell asleep soon after that and I'm hoping Sam did too. But we would both wake up... dang, it had to be like five times at least throughout the night, and talk for about ten minutes before falling asleep again. I guess we both would wake because we'd feel the other move or something. Ninety percent of the time we'd talk about Erin- what she was thinking now, how to ease himself back to her, what he can say, and all that. A couple times though when it would get really quiet for a while, he'd rub my arm or put his around me and tell me something like I'm great and it'll all work out. He knows when we talk about Erin, I'm thinking about Brandon. And he knew that's what my mind would fill the silences with. Sam's a damn good friend.
He sent me these tonight and it really made me so happy-
"Thanks Ali, you're the bestest bestie anyone can ask for. I'm so glad we've become such good friends. I hope that never changes."
"Last night and this morning were awesome. I've never felt so close to someone I wasn't romantically involved with. It was one of the best experiences of my life."
His closest friend has always been Chad. And let's just say he isn't always the best person to turn to. Like with this Erin problem, Chad is pumped Sam is single again so they can be wingmen to go out and get girls.
Anyway, I'm just so glad I can be there for Samir and really make a difference for him. I really could have used someone like him when I went through this in the beginning. The people I had were incredible. But they had never been through almost exactly what I had. Breanna had never been in the situation (and thank God for that. I do not want her going through this. I'll kill the boy before he has a chance to hurt her >:( ). Luke's situation was different. Post break up was fairly similar, but the relationship itself was totally different. And Tanner. His situation, reaction, all that was sooo much more extreme. With Sam, we're practically on the same level, my instance just being a bit worse.
I never used to think people could change. Clayton never did and Joseph sure as hell did not. But I've changed so much. I can't help but wonder if Brandon has too. I wonder if he did somehow want me, if I could bring myself to give him another chance as well. I think at this point I could, but I don't think I'll know for sure unless I'm in the moment. I know now that I can find and get someone else, but I already have found someone. So it could go either way.
So. Some updates with the heart condition. Here's the verdict-The problem is a nerve in the back of my neck. How is this related to my heart you're wondering? Well this nerve sends signals to almost every organ in my body, including my heart. Because of slack of sleep and extreme stress in the month of September... :/ ... the nerve basically got pissed and told my heart to freak out. My heart drastically dropped my blood pressure and my heart rate shoots up with physical activity, stress, or when I'm tired. So like all the time.
They kept me on that last medicine and also added another: anti-depressants. This problem is often caused by depression apparently-go figure- and also, something in the medicine also helps calm the nerve or fix the signals sent or something. They're very worried I'm going to have thoughts of hurting myself or worse because of my thoughts the last however many months. So I'm under heavy duty watch when I'm home. Which is stupid because 1. it doesn't show any effect at all for three weeks, and 2. I have enough reason to stay alive to do anything drastic between my sister, Breanna, Sam, and Brandon being somewhat back in my life.
We're hanging out this week and I'm happy. And he instigated it. I'm more happy.
I'm still not up to talking about the dream. Maybe next time.
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