Hm. :)
Joseph still thinks about me. I mean, not a huge accomplishment there, but it is nice to know. At 1133, he sent me a message, "Leven thirty three."
Back when we dated--that is so freaking weird to think about--that was our time. We'd talk on the phone almost every night and it always seemed to be at that time, totally not on purpose. We noticed it after a while and decided to just dub it as our time.
That's one thing I liked about our relationship, that we'd talk on the phone most nights. You can get a lot more covered in a much shorter time, hearing his voice made me feel as if I was with him, and words would not be read the wrong way. Clayton was boring to talk on the phone with. Brandon didn't like to. So I wouldn't ask him to unless it was really important.
Anyway, after we broke up, we were still really good friends for a long time. Every other day or so for a while he would send that to me and sporadically I would to him as well. But he and I have not talked in months. And before that it had been months. Nothing really in particular happened, we just grew apart.
So it really made me smile and put me in a good mood. We still didn't talk tonight, I only responded with a smile, but that's about what's expected.
Our relationship is nothing more than a reflection. We're not dating, we're not friends, per say, and we're hardly even acquaintances now. We're a memory to one another, and that is all.
It feels like a whole other life, back when I dated Joseph. It was a hard life, haha. My friends didn't like him so I started to lose a lot of them, or at least the closeness I had with them. I'd spend much of my time with him.
It was... complicated, our relationship. Most people can't understand why I dated him. He treated me like crap most of the time. He'd walk all over me, had a superiority complex, point out all my flaws and rub them in my face, wouldn't let me talk, and cheated on me.
But he was hard to say no to. When he wasn't the shitty guy listed above, he was really wonderful. He'd give me his full attention, tell me I'm the most wonderful thing in the world, do anything for me, and make me feel like I was something special.
The problem was, he was rather bipolar between the two when we dated. When we didn't date, he'd only be the second and was always able to rope me back in. Hence why we dated three times, two of those being after he cheated on me.
In any case, he helped me grow a lot. I became much braver and more confident (the opposite really that you'd think would come of it).
Then I dated Clayton and stepped into my next life. This one was getting back on track where I had left off before Joseph. He was one of my friends from the start so I was able to build those friendships back up since I saw them more. He's a great guy and really, his faults are few. But we did have quite a few problems.
First of all, he's pretty immature and naiveté.
Second, he'd make me do things I didn't want to or wasn't ready for sexually. Not sex of course, but he'd pressure me into doing other things. It seemed to be all we'd do when we were alone and I really did not like that at all.
Lastly, he believed a lie about me cheating on him. This is why we broke up the first time. This is also why I dated Joseph the third time.
You see, Joseph and I were still good friends. We'd still hang out and we'd still say we loved each other. But this is like me telling Joey I love him. It's not. like. that. Frankly, everyone told everyone they loved everyone back then. Before I'd leave the band room or whatever I'd say it to every person I was with. But apparently, a guy and girl can't hang out in high school without being more than friends. Which is seriously fucked up. But whatever, the past is the past and thank God I'm in college.
Then one day Clayton sees Joseph and me driving back from lunch during band and freaks. Turns out he didn't see Hat in the backseat. He calls me that night and says we're done without any reason. I told him okay and hung up. I was fed up with him not believing me and really didn't care. Unfortunately for me, Sam and Taylor (who practically ran our group of friends at the time) were the one who started the rumors about me and easily turned everyone away from me.
So Joseph was left as one of my only close friends. He was there for me and obviously knew I hadn't cheated on Clayton. We ended up dating for like a month or two before I realized that was the only reason I was dating him and we split up.
The irony is, I went on Spring Break with Justin, Sam, Kate, and Clayton at the end of those two months. And there, I cheated on Joseph and Clayton cheated on his girlfriend Alex together. Want to make it more ironic? I didn't want to; Clayton smooth talked me into it. Well hold up, I still liked Clayton, so I wanted to in that aspect, but I was heavily opposed to cheating, so I didn't want to.
Anyway, we each broke up with our significant other after that and secretly dated for almost two months before actually dating.
Now Clayton and Joseph overlapped a bit (going Joseph, Joseph, Clayton, Clayton, Joseph, Clayton), but the relationship was the same as before with each. As in Joseph was still bipolar and Clayton still pressured me. I am far too forgiving and give people too many chances. I should know people never change. But I have. So maybe I should stick with boys never change.
So yeah. This is the first time I've ever admitted any of that. So enjoy.
My next life was the single life. That was a fun one. I was friends with everyone, including Joseph and Clayton. I had no problem at all with being single and I loved life. I was confident, outgoing, every aspect of my life was perfect and I thought things couldn't get better.
Then November 8th came by. With a single touch, one boy instantly catapulted me into my next life, just like that.
I was thrown into the most incredible life. Everything that I though was so amazing before didn't matter anymore. It was infinitesimal compared to what I had. I was even willing to give up almost all my friends for this boy, and I did so without a second thought. Katie was pretty much all I had left. Brandon was my best friend and the love of my life and Katie was my best friend aside from him. But even once I started losing her because she liked Brandon, I was okay because I still had him.
I hadn't a care in the world. Nothing else mattered except the next time I'd see or speak to him. I smiled literally all the time, so much so, people would ask what's wrong if I stopped for a minute. But nothing was ever really wrong. I was always smiling and happy. :) If we fought, I'd have completely forgiven him or be apologizing within the hour. I'd tell him everything and he was always on my mind. I would worry about him and his depression, when he'd have trouble at auditions, or he fought with his family. I'd spend every second with him that I could, even if it meant only ten minutes or me getting into trouble. I didn't care. He was my life.
And I remember so clearly the moment went my life shattered and came crashing down.
"Say it to my face," he demanded, trying to call my bluff. Or maybe trying to make himself realize it was actually happening, I don't know.
But I didn't want be near him. I didn't want anything to do with him. He'd rather maintain his pride and cover the lie than try and keep us together. He didn't care about me, he didn't care about me at all. That's what was running through my mind.
I whirled myself around to face him and screamed "go away!"
The second I turned away from him tears practically bust from my eyes and I couldn't breathe. It took everything in my power not to fall to the ground right then and there. I instantly regretted everything I had said and I no longer cared that he lied to me. I turned back around to tell him I didn't mean it but he was already walking away. He wasn't going to try to stop me. He really didn't care, I thought.
Somehow I got my feet to move and I started walking home from Crestview, absolutely sobbing the whole way. This was the first time in years I had cried like this at all, let alone in public. I was mortified at myself for being so weak but I couldn't stop it.
Then I saw his car and saw him pull over. I was overjoyed! Not that I would show it, I'm a bit too proud sometimes too.
He told me to get in the car. Without an apology, I was not about to do that. I asked him again if he lied to me. He said no. It was like someone smashing my heart with a hammer. I walked around his car and kept going.
He stopped a couple more times and every time it was just another blow to my chest and I could feel myself dying more and more with every step. Night had fallen now so I collapsed in the shadows of some trees on the side of the highway until I could calm myself down and work up the energy to move.
Then soon after that he saw me and he actually got out of his car. My heart started beating back to life when I saw that he actually might be trying. He held me and I cried into his chest. He asked if I would get in the car and I asked him again if he lied. After a pause, he said no.
I pushed him away and started sobbing again. I'm not sure what I was thinking at this point. Probably the same as before. He didn't care, he just didn't want to cause a scene. Or maybe he felt guilty making me walk. Or maybe that he only 'cared' out of habit. I don't know.
I crossed the street after that and sat at the tiny veteran's memorial for a little bit. Really it probably wasn't more than ten minutes but it felt like forever. I sat and thought about my choices. I had decided that him being too stubborn to admit anything wasn't worth me losing him. And I decided if he stopped me again, I'd go with him. Then I got up, and walked.
He never stopped me again.
As it turns out, I passed him when he was parked at the bank on the corner. Funny thing is--okay, it's not funny at all, but... interesting rather I guess--I'm pretty sure I saw his car there. But I was thinking I saw his car everywhere because I wanted every white car to be his. But he didn't get out of the car so I must have figured it wasn't him. By that point my eyes were blurred anyway. I was more walking blindly than anything, stopping every couple minutes or so to collapse on the ground and try to breathe.
I had called both Luke and Aaron to see if they could pick me up--they were my only real good friends at this point-- but neither could. I honestly didn't believe I'd make it.
I sat at the apartments behind my house for about an hour, staring at my phone and praying Brandon would call me. Praying.
I finally went inside after a long time and ran straight upstairs. I didn't want my family seeing me like that. But my parents could tell in my voice and how I went straight up that something was seriously wrong. They came up one at a time and tried to talk to me but I kept my face shoved in my pillow. I wasn't going to let them see me cry.
My family, let alone anybody, didn't see me smile a real smile again for months. Actually, tonight was probably the first hardy laugh my family has heard since that day. All because my sister walked straight into a wall. It was hysterical.
My family, even though they know little about the real me, the see it more than anyone. At home, I don't put on a show; I don't wear any mask. I mostly just lock myself in my room and stay away from everyone so I don't have to pretend.
This new life, my life now, it sucks. My health, my dad's health, my parents' relationship, my mom's credibility, money, the amount of work I have, I finally have great friends but most live too far away to see regularly, I can't be in guard because of school (no one realizes how much that one hurts me), I have no confidence, no self worth, and I don't really care about hardly anything. So bottom line, every single aspect of my life bites. Hard.
If I didn't have Breanna caring about me all the time, I'd probably lose it.
And there's the fact that I don't have Brandon. The old Brandon, the one I dated for 8 months before the next two months we dated and the five that followed fucked everything up. But that man isn't coming back. And this new Brandon, the one who acts like he sometimes wants to be my friend, I can't expect him to be anything. It wouldn't be fair to him or to me.
I'm getting better at this life though. I can deal with it now. It's definitely changed me a lot and taught me more than I could have imagined. All these adjustments and evolutions, they're more than what I can express on paper. Or... screen, I guess.
Now I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to launch me into my next life. Whether it be a cure for my heart problems, somehow coming into money, a great job I get through co-ops, or even a boy stealing my heart away, I'm here, waiting for you to come along to save me.
Please, come soon.
316am
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