Hm. Friends. I think I can do this.
I want to, or more accurately, have to do this.
I learned I can pretty much act normal around Brandon now. I can freely say his name on here too instead of almost always using he without wincing. Something else I learned tonight-I'm more jealous than I realized. Seeing Paulina hover around him at the concert, I felt like I was choking. I had to keep my back to them and talk to someone else as a distraction. FTS.
Another thing I learned tonight--or realized-- is how much I missed hearing him play his saxophone.
And how much I love it when he loses himself in what he plays.
I realized that my heart jolts when he looks at me then looks away quickly once I catch him.
And that seeing his name pop up on my phone can instantly melt away all my pain and stress.
And that he's this little, pessimistic, music obsessed, stubborn and complicated boy that I can't help but to always want to be around.
And how lovely his smile is.
-His cheesy smile that quints his eyes, the forced half smile he makes when something's on his mind or he isn't comfortable, the whimsical smile used when he's daydreaming or he's about to fall asleep, that small smile he makes and then looks down like he's embarrassed, his cute and childish proud smile, and his posed smile that he uses in pictures that doesn't quite reach his eyes. But my favorite, it lights up his face. It often comes with a short laugh that leaves his mouth open. His eyes get just the tiniest bit wider and his cheeks are pronounced. It's the smile he makes when he's genuinely happy or excited about something. I haven't seen this smile in months. Then again, I've hardly seen him at all in that time.
All these things, they aren't new to me; I had just forgotten about them until tonight. I had left them locked up back with all our other memories.
But yeah, acting normal. Not like that hesitant, quiet girl at the park. I'm not going to chance losing him again by being...awkward (may be the best way to put it) around him. As long as we're friends and he's in my life, maybe I can really move on. I could pursue Jason. Or take Chad up on his offer. I already feel like that would be easier now. Not easy to do, but easier.
It's like Brandon's my lifeline. My muse that keeps me going. Lovely choice fate, lovely choice. You think next time you could pick someone who actually wants me back? Please?
Anyway, I think I'm going to change the site name to see this. I'll tell Breanna the new one, but I don't think I want Brandon in my head anymore. If he is going to be in my life in any way, I don't think he should get an advantage ;) Plus, it may cause more harm than good. Then again, it may have been doing that all along. It did for sure do one good thing. It got us talking again. Ever since that night he asked if I was doing okay after he saw the crap that is my life on here, we've been able to talk and even see each other. Score one for the journal!
But yeah, I'm going to figure out how to change it I think. Hopefully he sees this before I do so he has a warning.
Eh, I guess it won't make a difference.
Real quick, urban dictionary is the shit. See this-
| DAAP | ||
The purgatory of the Greater Cincinnati Area. The College of Design, Art, Architecture, and Planning at the University of Cincinnati is where all the cool, well-dress, and talented kids in Cincinnati go to school. Students are worked nearly to death, never sleep, and develop some type of addiction before graduation (weed, alcohol, coke, abuse), and somehow miss it when they go on internship quarters. DAAP students all promptly leave Cincinnati after graduation to live in better cities like New York, Seattle, and New Orleans. DAAP is my abusive boyfriend. I tried to leave once, but I missed the torture so much I just had to go back and finish (otherwise I'll never get out of this town). | ||
So. True. How awesome is that?
Speaking of, I need to be there bright and early tomorrow. I've got quite the day ahead of me...
Sleep tight.
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