Discuss:
Driving
Listening to songs
Staring at nothing
-Hit car
Numb and pain
False joy
Getting annoyed
Not talking
-Texting
Mask
House
Lying next to Chad
-Movie
Ryan
All cheat
EDIT:
1240am
Before I start on the aforementioned, I want to talk about tonight and last night.
Tonight I was taking a shower and I had my eyes closed to rinse off my face. Suddenly, the water felt as if it was being pulled away from me. I put out my hand right before I slammed into the wall. I wouldn't have realized I was falling if the water wasn't on me.
It happened a few more times before I got out. I was terrified and I wanted to cry. How easy it is for me to...lose myself? I'm not sure what it was. I was conscious, but my body responded as if I wasn't. Not having control over myself is truly frightening. Some of the above listed concerns this as well, but actually falling over like this, and so many times in such a short time span, it's taken it to a new level.
Last night's turn. He talked to me. By his own choice, not mine. I have to say, I was shocked. Heh, you should have seen me when I saw I had a message from him. I stared at it for a moment, not believing. Or in the very least thinking it was a mistake. My friend's there with me asked if something was wrong. I told them no, changed the subject, and said hi back once they were distracted.
He was concerned about me. He wanted to "check on" me. I still don't get why. He hasn't cared about my life these past four months; what's changed? To take it even further, he said he wished he had something to help and that he's sorry for talking to me when he's "useless," whatever that's supposed to mean. I just wish I could believe him. And deep down, I do. But the surface won't let me. It's just another empty line he's feeding me. Like when he didn't come up to me when I picked up my sister. "I wish I could make it up to you," he said. Ha. If he wanted to make it up to me, he would have talked to me again or made other plans with me, rather than leave me with false hope.
But last night, he really acted like he cared--saying he's sorry I'm going through this, asking if I'll be okay, being concerned about me walking. It does make me...not happy, but happier may be one way to describe it, that he said something. But after all that's happened, after the way he's treated me thus far, I have to believe there was an ulterior motive to this sudden concern.
I found out he still reads this. And if you read this one, I'm sorry, but this is how you appear. And since you don't ever talk to me and tell me anything, assumptions are all I have to go off of. Anyway, he said he reads it every couple months. I feel as though he only sent me anything because he felt guilty after the last one. It's not like talking to me is something he'd do on his own free will, God forbid.
I'm not sure if it was good or bad timing on his part. Earlier yesterday, I was trying to decide if I should erase him from my life that day or wait until he bails on the on the 18th. The ignorant, weak side of me keeps insisting he may actually see me. I should know better. But I'm going to wait now. To see for sure if last night was a fluke, a guilt trip, or he really does care suddenly.
Or has cared all along. There's this infinitesimally tiny piece of me buried so very far down in the darkness that tries to speak up whenever he does something like this to me. But that piece is so smothered by logic that I rarely hear it's weak whisper. It tries to tell me he's always cared. That maybe everything he has said it true. That maybe he really thinks it's better he doesn't talk to me, or he finds it too painful, or he really does need me to not be a distraction to his music, or some other reason I don't understand.
That small piece of me wants to believe that's true. But I know it's not. And that piece has become so insignificant, it doesn't even matter anymore. He's told me he doesn't love me. And he's shown me time and time again he doesn't care. I'm dying and it means nothing to him. ---ha, funny side note, Kyle sent me a message just now that said "I know you're dying inside," joking about him holding something against me. Thought it was ironic. I answered, "You have no idea," hahaha--- Last night had to have been guilt. Or habit maybe, though I think he'd be over that by now. Or maybe he's playing me. He knows I still care and he wants me to continue to do so. Who wouldn't? Everyone wants to be cared about, whether they'll admit it or not. So he's trying to keep that hope inside of me alive so I'll still want him. Then again, these are all simply options. I guess I'll never know. Just like I still don't know why he asked me to go look at the stars that night, so many lifetimes ago it seems.
Okay, now to get to my list.
I hate driving more than ever. And I'm doing it more than ever. And it's more dangerous for me than it ever has been.
When I drive, I don't see anything. Well, I "see," but I don't really pay attention. The other day I even hit someone. Luckily we were going slow and neither car was damaged. But I'm surprised I haven't wrecked yet to be honest. It's bound to happen soon enough and I've come close already more times than I'd like to admit. I stare at nothing when I drive. Often I forget part of the trip. Suddenly, I'm somewhere else, and I have absolutely no recollection of a section of the drive.
This happens daily too. I'll stare off in class without meaning to and miss everything that's said. But it's more than just not paying attention. It's as if that time span never happened.
This seeing but not seeing thing transfers over into music, which just kills me. Music is such an insanely large part of my life. But it has been months since I've listened to a song all the way through. I hear the song play, but I don't listen. It takes so much effort for me to really listen for more than ten or twenty seconds. I always lose it, and my mind goes elsewhere. Always to the same things. Every song reminds me of or relates to them.
I play music a lot less now. Pretty much only when I'm driving and some times when I'm working. Other than that, I tune in to the silence and try not to think at all. It's easier that way. Easier to get through each day, the less I let my mind wander.
I've been more aware lately that I switch between numb and pain. And that may be apparent from the posts on here. Some are filled with pain, sorrow, and anguish while others are more clear, logical, and heartless. Feeling nothing. I've just noticed that. That is all.
I'm sick of writing tonight. I'd rather read. I'll continue next time I'm in the typing mood.
233am
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