Awake and Alive

109am

I went through a lot of different extremes tonight. And not so extremes.

Brandon forgot about me. What's new. I wasn't mad at all. More hurt and disappointed. But it felt kind of normal too. Bad sign.

But yeah.

Went to Tanner's. He kept me calm and just talked to me for a long time, relating completely to me. And I was okay.

But then later I found out that Brandon went to Katie's, told them that I freaked out on him because he ditched me, and showed them that I've talked about suicide.

Someone's screaming for attention. I was furious about the first two, he did ditch me and he lied about me. I was just really, really hurt by the last. That was just a low blow. I don't go telling people about his depression, why is he bragging about mine? I wouldn't even do that to someone I hated.

So yeah. Then we talked. Things went well. I was happy. I thought maybe there would be a future for us. He told me he's been trying to tell Katie he doesn't want to "talk" and that he didn't cuddle with only her, that it wasn't a big deal. I believed him.

Then Aaron tells me that Katie is getting the exact opposite texts from him. Ouch. And I found out about the suicide thing after I got off the phone with him. So at this point I'm just in a shit load of pain.

So here's the deal. I've got all kinds of confidence from who-knows-where suddenly. Like within the last ten minutes.

I deserve better. I shouldn't have to go through this crap. So I'm not going to. I'm going to work on Joel :) Brandon says he'll always love me and always be my friend, so I'm going to find out if he really means that I guess. He and Katie can date if they want. I doubt that'll last long anyway. And it will hurt like crazy knowing he's out with other girls. I just hope it hurts him more to see me. At this point, he'd have to beg me and convince me he's changed to take him back. Because I do deserve better than what he's been since July. Before that he was great! But I've got to quit holding on the the guy he used to be. That's not him anymore. And who he is now is not what I want. I won't settle for it.

I will be his friend, I'll talk to him a couple times a week, I'll try to hang out with him every once in a while. I will care about him forever, but I've realized, unless he changes either back to who he used to be or into someone new, he's not worth me stressing over. He'll either fall into the category with Clayton and Joseph and I won't talk to him at all anymore but if by chance he needs me I'll be there, or he'll(hopefully) fall into the category with Luke and Tanner and Chad and be my friend. A real friend too, not this crap he's trying to pull off as being a friend.

So yeah. I'm being strong. I'm clearing my mind. My heart has been ruled out. Actually, I'd say my heart has been broken by him too many times to be able to stand up for itself. But you know, my heart wants me to be happy too. So that's what I'm looking for now, happiness. I've got plenty of friends now who love me and would do anything for me. I don't need to rely on Brandon anymore for that. My life can be pretty great :) No more heartache, stressing about him, making myself sick, thinking about hurting myself and worse, being miserable, none of it. I'm moving on. I'm going to be happy dammit ;D

God, I love my friends so much. They give me the strength.

I'm still going to talk to Katie and tell her everything Brandon's said. I have messages to back it up too so he can't say I'm lying. She doesn't deserve to be led on, even if she is bitchy to me.

I do love Brandon with all my heart, but he needs to figure himself out. This weird deceiving, attention hungry, womanizer crap is, well, crap. He's was such an amazing guy before all that. I wish he'd realize it. And if he does, I hope he come to find me. Because I'd give anything to be with that guy.

Hm :) that made me think of Saturday. One thing he said about me dating other people, I just love. And it was just like the old Brandon that I miss. He said that if I date other people, he'll stay my friend and just hate on the guy. Then one day when he finally straightens himself out, he'll ride in on a horse(I just love that part) and kick the guy's ass, carry me off, and we'd get married and live happily ever after. Every aspect of that was like the old Brandon. Us being happy forever, something random and dramatic(the horse), and kicking ass. That's my Brandon. ;)

If that guy comes back, I'll be his in a heartbeat. But until then, I'm looking elsewhere for the next best thing.

Gosh. Now I just keep thinking back to all the great times Brandon and I had from last winter until midsummer. I've only been able to focus on the negative until now. But now I'm thinking about drawing on each other's legs at Danielle's. Or Sneaking into Kate's house that one weekend that we spent the night. And hanging out on his hammock. Sneaking glances in US History. Pretending we were really doing that work. Trying on silly hats at Crestview. Dancing together without any music playing or with me on his feet. Spending hours on a bus planning out our future together. Him sneaking me in to spend the night. Him doing whatever he can to convince me to stay longer. Talking about our past lives together or comparing ourselves to angels. Him pinning me against the wall. The messages he used to send me that would keep me blushing all night and were so sweet, I'd be at a loss of words and my response would suck compared to his(which I went back and read again on the other blog on my profile. Anyone can see why I was so in love). And spending hours upon hours just goofing off on his bed, telling stories, teasing each other, joking around, falling asleep, or just holding each other.

All this and so so so so so much more I can't even begin to describe.

Again, if this guy comes back, I'll drop everything in my life to be with him. But I can't wait around for him anymore. It pains me like crazy to say that but I know it's better this way.

Now I've got to follow through with it. :/

Ha, this could be hard. But I'm willing to try. Tanner's right. I've done nothing but think about everyone else. I need to do what's right for me.

Now we can be just friends like he wanted. No weirdness, no fighting, just friends. Now we can talk and hang out without problems. As long as he still will. Which would make me so so happy, like he doesn't even know.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, right?

Time to wrap this up.

:) I kind of feel like I'm worth something sorta. Yay improvement! Sweet dreams!

200am