Someday

1155pm

Ugh. Where to start.

Well for starters, I didn't edit the last post. I may not have connected points well or whatever, but it's not that hard to figure out. I just keep getting distracted or lost in my thoughts. It's hard to get right back on track after that.

Anyway, yesterday Brandon and I sat up at the park. It was so nice and so easy. We talked like friends. I had no thoughts of anything else and it was no big deal at all. This is the way I want it. Relaxed and friends. Now I'm just afraid to ask him to ever do anything again because I know he doesn't like to be around people. I'll give it time. Maybe suggest something in a week. I don't know. I just can't lose him as a friend. Not now.

Which brings me to my next topic. Today was just awful. --and don't worry, I'll make the connection about not losing him now and my miserable day in a second.--

I couldn't sleep until 3 something, had to wake up at 6 to try to register for classes again, only to find it not work. I tried to get it to for a half hour, then finally gave up and went back to sleep at 640. Woke up for school at 720 and realized I had drawing and math today. Two least favorite classes. Then in drawing I couldn't draw a straight line, let alone a fucking ellipse. Then things got better when I hung out with Erin, Dana, and the boys. But then finite just had to come along. It wasn't too bad until I got a paper cut that stung like hell. Small but painful damn things. Oh and I forgot, I almost passed out on my way to Chad, Sam, and Joel's room when I was with Tim and Ryan. That sucked. It's getting a lot worse. Oh, and then I find out I can't register for my classes at all until Saturday. SATURDAY!!!! I checked the availability as of today, and of my seven classes, 4 were all filled. Fuck. My. Fucking. Life. Oh, oh, ha, and get this, my family can't afford to put me through school. Awesome. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

*sigh

My connection was that I need him now with all the heart stuff going on mostly. It is getting a lot worse and so quickly. I joke around about it and make it out to not be a big deal to people all the time, and no body knows this, but I'm absolutely terrified. I am so, so afraid every day to even get up out of bed.

I want to seem strong and I don't want people to be overly concerned about me so I play it off as nothing. But I stand up and almost fall over or into something, I go through entire days of not being able to see straight, and I get dizzy or blackout for a couple seconds while I'm driving. I want to have the surgery now. I'm less afraid of the death rate from that than I am of living day to day.

But I can't have it now. We can't pay for it. So I have to wait two months and have it in January. Two months. Two more months of constant fear and faking to everyone that I am fine. I mean, I'm used to the last part, but it's different with this. Faking emotions is nothing compared to faking courage and acting like I'm not about to pass out.

Luke and Tanner are going down with me for the surgery. A couple UC people may too. What I really need is for Brandon to be there. And I may have said this before. But I need him to be there, to tell me everything will be okay, to tell me to be strong, and to tell me he'll be there when it's all over. That's what I need.

But like he said, he just doesn't care about anything anymore. And what can I do? I have to respect that. I can be there for him and remind him that I care, but that's about it. As much as it kills me, I can't make him care about me. And, again, I mean this as a friend. I know he doesn't want to date-his nice way of saying he doesn't love me, doesn't care about me that way-and I know I shouldn't be with him, he's not the same guy I fell in love with anymore. I mean this as a friend. I want him to be there for me as my friend. My best friend.

There are days like today where dying seems like a blessing. Giving up seems like an easier path. But I know, especially from telling this kind of thing to Brandon and Tanner, that there is something worth living for. That I do have a lot going for me. It's just so hard to believe sometimes.

I have no inspiration, no motivation. I can't see myself in the future being in the army. I can't see myself being a fashion designer. I can't see myself in some random dead end job. I don't see anything. It's back to that. I have nothing, I've been left with nothing. It's times like these that I wish my heart would finally shut down.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

My family wouldn't have to pay for medical expenses or college for me. None of my friends 'need' me, they have other good friends and outlets. Brandon would be happier without me being here to bother him. And I have no future anyway. It seems like it would benefit everyone.

I cried today. Big surprise, right? Well actually, it's been over a month I'd say since the last time I did. It was around 1020 I guess--it's 1229 now, just for a reference--right before I got in the shower. I was thinking about something I might to this month, or at least before the heart surgery. I think I'm going to write a letter or an email or a text, depending on the person, to everyone I've really ever been close with, telling them my favorite memory with them. That'll probably be around fifty stories to write about.

If...something does happen, it'll be a good little memory I suppose. If everything ends up fine and I recover and all that, then it'll just be like a little 'getting back in touch,' cute message thing. Either way it'll be nice for people to get I think.

And I won't be sappy and say goodbye or anything stupid like that. But like one to my cousin Ellen would just talk about how we used to play totally spies at all the family gatherings and how silly we were. And I'd end it saying 'those were the days,' or something light like that.

What got me crying though...hm, I don't know if I want to get into this now. I've had a constant stream of tears flowing for a while now. Not like huffing and puffing or anything, just a steady stream flowing out. I think I'll wait for another night. On a side note, it's nice to cry in the shower. It just washes everything away and no one can tell you've been crying. Hmmm. But yeah. That's all for the night.

.