Told you I'd get my answer ;)
My plan was, if he made an excuse why we couldn't hang out like he has for the last month, I was going to just show up at his house and sit there until he talked.
It really did surprise me, his response. Right away he said we can be in the basement and to come over now.
It made me very happy.
I am really glad we got to talk and hang out. It cleared up a lot of things.
And yes, I was wrong about some things. But that's what's going to happen when all I have is my thoughts to assume. They always just to the worst things. It's one reason why I try to talk to him about serious stuff right away. I don't like what my mind comes up with. Sometimes its right, which sucks, but it's usually wrong. I like to be proven wrong in those cases.
I feel better about everything now. Like 63% better. Very big improvement.
But I'm still not changing anything I said before. I'm still going to live my life. We're not dating. Until he feels he's ready, that's how things are going to me.
I just really really really hope he keeps his word this time, unlike the talking to me once a day thing, and will see me once a week.
Hanging out with him, just talking to him, made me so happy. Everything else went away and it was like things were back to the way before. The world was brighter. I don't know how to explain it.
I just miss being happy. It was nice.
And we kissed and such. I miss that. It reminds me he cares and does want to be with me. Even though he can't be right now.
I don't think it's weird or him taking advantage of me. Unless he doesn't actually want to be with me again one day. Then he is taking advantage of me.
But I don't think it's bad. We love each other and do want to be together. We're not dating other people(though that hasn't stopped us in the past...). And we both want it. I see no problem there.
So, things are better for now. There's still this dark cloud over everything, but it doesn't quite envelope everything like it used to. It more like casts a shadow.
Eh, it does a little more than that, but I can't think of a good comparison.
It's late, give me a break.
I do need to get to sleep. I'm getting up early to chill with Tanner. He's helping me feel better about the heart monitor and I'm going to try to help keep his mind off the brain surgery. Less than a week now. It scares me. He could not wake up from it. He's really strong. I'd be a mess right now if I were in his shoes. It's terrifying.
He's helped me so much, it's crazy. I can't thank him enough for all he's done. I'm really afraid of losing him. He and Luke are two of the greatest people I've ever met. And two of the best friends. Without them through all this, I'm sure I would have done physical damage to myself if not worse. They're just wonderful. They make me feel wanted and special and important and cared about. Ha, I think I've spent every day of the last two weeks with them. That's crazy.
Luke and I are going to visit Tanner all the time too in the hospital. God knows he'll need the support.
Meh, tangent. I need to go to bed.
433am
I made good time for how much I wrote. I'm getting better at this.
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