Today was...lots of ups and downs.
Spent time with Brandon twice, but I talked-ish about the first one already.
As for the second:
First I want to say something I said to him- don't be sorry for what you are sorry for. What hurt me was not that. By any means. What made my cry is that what happened is not something you want. Not something you'll miss. It itself did not hurt me at all. It made me happier than I've been in two weeks.
And I can't promise I won't rape you again :P (HAHAHA! I hope I come back and read this once I've forgotten the details. It will be HILARIOUS!)
But I really can't promise that it won't happen. Not rape, but the actual occurrence. You know what I mean.
Because it's something I want. And I do what I want ;)
Onward!-
We're friends. We hung out like friends would. Mostly. Or we tried. We ended up snuggling a bit which made me happy. I missed that more than I knew. Maybe since we have a different kind of relationship and love each other like we do, that much will be acceptable. I don't know. He'll have to approve it.
*sigh
This 'friend' thing is going to be so hard. I still don't understand everything. But Brandon's mind works in very strange ways, haha. That's one thing I love about him so much. His views on concepts, situations, etc. just astound me every time. He's so...I want to say deep but that's such a cliche. He gets very into it I mean. Eh, whatever, you know what I mean.
But I guess I can deal with this if it's my only option that includes keeping him.
I just feel like I'm losing my grip on everything now.
It's becoming a downward spiral that I've lost control of.
And people hate me. As if I didn't hate myself already, now other people have to come tell me how terrible I am. And for the wrong reasons.
I've never done anything with Luke. I wouldn't dream of, I couldn't imagine, I would not even consider cheating on Brandon. Ever.
And I've 'been such a bitch to Brandon for breaking up with him.'
Let me just throw this out now: I did not know we were broken up until he said he didn't want to date me on Wednesday. I don't think you can say two people have broken up if the alleged breaker uper is not even conscious of this action.
I don't know what else Brandon has been telling everyone, but apparently it's enough to where they all either feel the need to yell at me about it or not talk to me at all.
It just kind of pisses me off because he's not even the hurt one.
I wanted to hurt myself today-the above reminded me-after I got home from talking to Brandon at the park. And after Alicia went off on me. And after I thought about how much I hate my life.
After the park I almost slammed my arm in the car door on purpose. I don't know exactly why, but I felt the urge to do so. It could have been that I wanted to physical pain to match the emotional pain shredding me inside. Or maybe that I needed something to distract me from said pain. Either way, it just felt like I wanted it.
After Alicia, I talked to Brandon about it. I would never cut myself--blades, needles, etc. scare me. I'd be way more likely to do something that causes bruises. (I will say, reading it now when I'm not in quite as much emotional pain, it's a bit frightening. But when I do hurt that badly, it feels almost necessary). Brandon said if I did either, it would kill him. Seeing how it would hurt him if I did anything to myself definitely extinguished some of the flames that pulled me toward the idea.
After I attacked myself, figuratively, I thought of one semi-healthy way to 'feel the burn'-haha!
I drove up to school and ran. I ran lap after lap until I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't breath, or I fell. After I ran, I stretched until it hurt, I did sit-ups until I shook, and did push-ups until I collapsed. Then I started it all over. I did this for about an hour. I had to have repeated the process at least eight times or more.
Then I went to the park.
I sat up there for around fifteen minutes on the swings and at some point I text Brandon. I don't know why I did. It just happened. I think it was once he responded that I actually realized I did it. But I'm glad I did. It was nice being with him again.
And this brings us full circle.
I'll try to sleep.
314
PS-You can consider the rape joke the happy part. Or maybe just consider that happy ;D ha ha, kidding. Rape is bad >:-/
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