Cause you won't quit screaming my name

503

I left the competition. I'll be back by eight but I couldn't stand to stay.

"I don't know?" I DON'T KNOW?!?!?

What the fuck?!?!

He knows. He wouldn't be doing this if he didn't know. He just doesn't want to tell me.

He says he doesn't want to hang out as friends because it won't help he get over him.

So he wants me to get over him.

So I tell him I have(which is a total lie and he knows it from reading any of this, but if it means him staying my friend, I'll pretend) and he stops talking to me all together!

And then today, he comes up and hugs me and tells me I look nice like nothing's changed.

And THEN he doesn't talk to me in the cafeteria.

And THENN! when I talk to him, he says he doesn't know what he wants and makes an excuse to leave.

We'll always have problems because he'll never stay and talk about them. It always(99% of the time anyway) gets better after we talk about it.

I'm lost.

At least he talked to me today.

It's like the second I look appealing to him, it's okay to talk to me.

I doubt I can cry anymore. Not for a long time. I haven't cried in days. I'm all dried up from the past week and a half of straight crying everyday for most of the day.

Brandon could come up to me, tell me he only dated me because of how I look, tell me he never wants to see or speak to me again, and I'd probably say okay and leave.

My insides are torn apart.

Ha, maybe he actually broke my heart. Like literally.

The really bad blackout spells started the monday after the night at Crestview.

Hopefully the blood tests and heart monitor will tell them what's going on.

I'm scared.

This could be anything from not having enough sugar-not likely at all- to my brain not communicating with my heart. Which could potentially kill me.

Lovely.

I'm really terrified.

I just want the test results and to wear the heart monitor already. I want to know what's going on in me.

And I want someone to be there for me about it.

Scratch that, Luke and Tanner are there for me. And I'll tell Chad about it tomorrow if we can find time to hang out.

What I want is for Brandon to be there for me.

Fat chance, right?

But I want it so badly.

And back to the first topic-

I'm going to try to ignore how I feel on that subject. I'll have my answer tomorrow anyway.