Only hope

121pm

Tanner asked me this morning if I had any good dreams.

You know, I'd really not thought about it.

Then again I try not to think these days.

But the answer was no.

--Big shocker there, right?

I wake up in the mornings and try to forget my dreams. Every dream I remember is bad. A couple are actually scary. And ninety percent of them include Brandon, most of which also include him leaving me.

--Again, go figure.

Last night I woke up I-don't-even-know-how-many times, and every time I was afraid to go back to sleep because I didn't want to have another dream where he leaves me. I don't remember most of them because again, I try to forget. The gist of them is easy to remember, but details are out the window. And how often do we remember our dreams anyway after some time? But I do remember thinking that every time.

I remember the last one though.

He was some famous person.(Which can relate to today. Everyone seems to be talking about him and how terrible I am. Or from my friends, how much I don't need him.) And I was, gosh it's getting harder to remember now, a bodyguard or a guide or something.(In the real world can relate to me trying to keep him or be with him maybe.) It was me and two other girls. In the dream, they were my friends but I don't remember if I actually knew them I real life. There's a gap I can't remember now that comes next, dammit. Where it picks back up, we were in Italy or Greece or somewhere around there in a small limo-type car. Brandon was sitting next to me and I was... doing something to make him feel better maybe? Again, I'm losing the dream. But he ended up putting his arm around me. The other girls didn't know it, but we were...not necessarily dating. I think we were only friends. But I could be wrong.(Either way that relates to real life in a couple ways.) But they were mad and when we all got out of the car, they walked ahead. We took our time together and Brandon had his arm around my waist. We were looking at all the sites. It was a lot of marble and ancient Greek/Roman style designs. That's why I think we were around there.(Relates to wishes the two of us have had to go there together I guess.) But we were walking along and we got to this spot where we could either swim across or walk around. This was a big touristy area and it was about split what people would do. But we were being silly and having fun so we decided to swim. We jumped in together and while we swam, I can't remember if he still held my waist or if he held my hand. I can picture both. Or maybe he did both. I was so happy in the dream and I didn't want it to end. Around here, some noise or something started to wake me up but I tuned it out and went right back. We finished swimming across and got out of the water. I saw my grandma and turned away from him for a second just to wave and turned right back and he was gone. I wasn't too worried, I figured he just walked ahead. I looked around once more than ran up the stairs to the street and didn't see him anywhere. I started to get really scared. I grabbed my grandma and now my sister was there too and asked them to help me find him. I was frantic. I didn't know what to do. I went back to the water and looked there again, I ran and looked around in some balconies looking over the water, went back the the street and looked there. He was gone.(Relate that how you will. I can think of a few ways to do it that I'd rather not type. I'm trying not to cry today without inflicting pain on myself.) I looked until I couldn't take it anymore and I woke up.

But this seems to be how all my dreams are now. Something bad happens and I force myself awake. I've gotten pretty good at it since it's been happening multiple times a night. I can control when I want to stay asleep and when I want to wake up, for the most part anyway.

I do remember one good thing though. I don't know if I dreamed it, it was part of a dream, or I imagined it between dreams. But I "woke up"(again, I could have dreamed waking up because this didn't really happen.) and checked my phone. I had a message from Brandon saying 'I miss you too. So much.' responding to my journal at 3 or whatever last night. It made me so happy and gave me so much hope! But I woke up this morning after the above dream and searched for it like I searched for him in the dream. I never got a message from him. An update saying he texts in school, but I got no text. I was crushed. I am crushed. I had lost him in the dream, and not having that message after I'd imagined it, it made the dream come to life. I had lost him. And he's gone.

I know that's not something he can help. He didn't know about my dreams or imagination or whatever. And I guess I'm not someone he wants to text in school. It's not his fault.

But to me, it was heart crushing.

I need to realize it was just a dream. All my terrible dreams are just dreams. It's just hard. Because he really did leave me in reality. This makes the dreams seem that much more real. It's like he loves me and leaves me over and over again every night. I go through the pain again and again.

I just wish I didn't sleep. Or better yet, I didn't dream.

I'll be back to add more here tonight. Don't forget to check it out.