It's not over

1220pm

I can't talk to anyone. I just can't do it.

What am I going to do about guard at 330?

There first football game is tomorrow and they need me to be there.

And I know I have to be strong for them because they need it.

Breanna. I just told her yesterday that everything in her life will get better. That things happen for a reason and it'll all be okay.

I promised her.

I can't even believe that now in my life.

I suppose things will eventually. I just can't see it any time soon.

What happened to forever and always, huh? What happened to, I'd die without you? What happened to, without you, I'm nothing.

I feel it, but he doesn't.

I'm not suicidal, don't take it that way. It's more of something we told each other once.

Before we were together, I went through life like a hollow shell. Things meant little to me, I didn't care about much, I was just moving through life because that's all I had.

But being with him gave me reason.

Everything mattered to me. Beautiful things and beautiful music began to move me. Movies touched me because I'd relate them to my life. I finally had motivation and inspiration to be everything I wanted to be. I began to care about others more. I began to care about myself more.

I could picture myself in the future. That was a big deal to me. Before him, I honestly couldn't see me past high school. All my life I'd only be able to see up to that point. It's hard to explain, but that was really difficult for me to swallow. When I was little, I'd imagine being able to ride a bike, going on the DC trip, going to prom, graduating. Everything always stopped at graduation. I was sure I was going to die before college started, because that was it. I actually believed that. Even in my senior year. Because there was nothing else after that for me. It felt almost like my mind predicting the future.

But suddenly, November rolls around, and I have a future. Everything is clear.

From the very beginning, being with him was like nothing I'd ever encountered.

The first time we touched: we were watching a thriller-type movie with a bunch of other people. It was freaking me out a bit and he offered his hand if I was scared. I instantly grabbed it. I don't understand why. That's really not something I'd do. But once I held it, I couldn't let go. I really felt safer. Like my hand belonged in his. I hardly even knew him back then.

We talked the rest of the night, but as friends. We didn't talk about holding hands or how we felt or anything. It was just two friends. It was also the first time we'd ever really talked.

The next night we were together with people, without even thinking we sat by each other and held hands under a blanket. We didn't talk about it or motion to it. It just happened. We both wanted it.

We both wanted it.

But people change.

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

-W. Somerset Maugham

This is not that happy chance. Another quote:

"He could be that guy, I'm not that girl."

-Wicked, I know I'm a nerd.

It's just...my emotion right now, I don't know how to explain it.

I'm hurt, angry, upset, longing, confused, depressed, furious, lonely, but still very calm, all rolled up in to one. All the pain I wrote about last night is still there, but repressed.

But most of all, I'm regretful.

For the first time in my life.

I wish I could have done something differently, changed something so it wouldn't be this way.

I know this shouldn't be this big of a deal. They say I'm just 18 and moody and dramatic and crap and I'll get over it and move on a hundred times before I meet "the one." But they don't understand how I feel or what I've done.

I devoted myself to him. I put his needs before mine. I lost friends just to be with him. I always thought about him first and how he'd feel and think.

I made him my everything. And now I have nothing.

We still haven't talked. It's been almost a week. Problems really started Tuesday of last week. And he couldn't talk until Friday. Then he canceled on me. So it was Saturday. And before we could even really begin, he lied to me. Something he still hasn't admitted to. And probably never will. I don't matter that much to him. I don't even matter enough to him for him to talk to me. Why would he bother being honest?

I can't even say his name.

I feel like I'm in a daze. Nothing matters.

I still haven't answered the phone or my messages. I've read them, but I can't answer. Not even completely unrelated ones.

I'll be little to no help at guard. I'll sit on the side and stare into space until someone asks me a question.

I want to not go. I want to lie motionless in bed and think all day. I'll cry, calm down, think about it, and cry again.

But that's what I need right now.

No, what I need is for him to come over here and hold me and tell me he was wrong and that he loves me.

126pm