I'm talking to Luke about things. So I doubt I'll have much to say tonight. Be back in a bit...
128
Luke is being really honest...
and really right...
Things aren't looking good for Brandon.
Luke says that I deserve better. That Brandon shouldn't put music or friends before me if he loved me. And, if he did love me, he should show it to me. He said that plenty of other guys would just love to have me in their lives. That I shouldn't have to deal with him putting up no effort to keep me.
Brandon hasn't once talked to me first. And today, there was not conversation. Just me saying I love you, sweet dreams. And then him returning it. That's all. So clearly he doesn't need me.
A number of people have told me in one way or another what Luke said. Mom, dad, Chad, Breanna, Aaron, Aunt Linda, etc. all said it too. And I should believe them, right? I mean, they're from every aspect of my life. Home, college, guard, outside family, friends.
I should believe them.
So why can't I accept it?
I mean, maybe I do. But I keep thinking he'll prove them wrong. Prove me wrong.
146
Luke and I are going to read Bible passages together. He really does know exactly what I'm going through and knows some stories that will help make me feel better.
A letter to Luke-hehehe!
I really didn't know how much I had affected you. I'm, well, thrilled! I live to help other people and make other people happy. And to know I've made such an impact on you, I don't know how to put it. I feel so fulfilled. That's probably why I like helping others so much. It makes me feel good. So much for selfless ;D
So I helped you with Melanie(without even knowing it! How's that for subconscious effort?) and you're helping me with Brandon. I don't think I could thank you enough really. I didn't realize how badly I needed someone to talk to, to relate with me. I've kept things bottled up my whole life; it's so much like a habit now, I don't really even try to find someone to talk to anymore.
I'm so grateful that we've become such good friends this summer. Ha, and it happened so randomly! But that seems to be how things work in my life for some reason. Nothing happens like expected, but everything happens for a reason.
I can't wait to start reading with you. It'll change things up a bit from the movies we always watch. Don't get me wrong, I love them! But it's always fun to shake things up. Ha and I keep cringing at the thought of the hammer going through the Uncle's skull...euhhh...
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'm really glad we're friends. And thank you for being there for me and being such a great friend when I really needed someone.
Hasta Luego!
Beddy-by time.
248
Still can't sleep, dang nabbit.
My mind is everywhere.
For starters- tomorrow --well, today-- is Wednesday. Brandon doesn't have band Wednesdays. If he's going to talk to me, it would be today.
If he talks to me.
But I made plans with Luke. I know he'd be fine and understand it if I rescheduled so I can talk to Brandon. But I don't know if I want to. Because I don't want to cancel plans and sit around at home waiting for Brandon, only to be disappointed when he does nothing.
Again.
But if he does want to talk...I want to talk. I need to.
I need to know if I should keep hoping or if I should just give up now.
But I am NOT talking to him. I am staying strong, for once, and not sending a message or calling first. HE can make the first move for once.
God, give me the strength, because You know I need it.
I really don't know how much longer I can handle this stress.
It's really tearing me down.
I've had people say they think that's why I've been so dizzy and have been blacking out a lot this past week. On the other hand, being dizzy and blacking out are symptoms of low electrites. According to Mrs. Lamer, who's son Brent has this condition, it means my brain isn't sending messages to my heart fast enough for it to work correctly. Brent's now on a heart monitor.
Luckily, I'm going to the doctor Friday.
I'm actually afraid.
Off topic. Back on:
We're actually broken up. Why am I talking like we're still together, just having problems? I mean, our relationship status both say single. And everyone knows it not official until it's on facebook hahaha ; )
*sigh*
My head is telling me I don't need Brandon. That he's no good for me and all he'll do is hurt me more. That I should be with someone who cares about me and shows me I matter to him more than anything. I should be with someone who won't cancel plans on me all the time, who'll talk to me just because he wants to hear my voice, and who drop everything if I needed him. Someone who will just be there for me.
But my heart. My heart is telling me to call Brandon right now and tell him how much I miss him, how much I want to be with him, how much I love him. My heart is telling me to give him another chance, and a hundred more if that's what it takes. My heart is throbbing, thinking of not being with him anymore. It's telling me I need him and that he would change for me. Because he loves me.
My heart's a damn fool.
326am.
FREAKING A LOVE SUPREME JUST CAME ON!
fml.
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