Candle (sick and tired)

143

Well, I've gone from being consistently in pain and hurt to always being angry or sad.

Gosh. I don't know what's wrong. It makes me mad! (haha)

...pisses me off in all seriousness...

These are my two least favorite emotions of all because I take it out on everyone else. And I hate that.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

633

I'm tired of being sad/hurt/angry/whatever all the time. I've been given great opportunities and options from some great guys. Maybe it's best I try to move on.

I'll always love Brandon and if he asked for me back, there's a good chance I'd say yes. If he showed he cared more. Unfortunately, chances of that are slim.

Brandon doesn't want to be with me. And he's changed a lot. He doesn't seem to try to be my friend even.

I don't know.

I just can't sit around and wait for him to realize he cares about me again. It's not going to happen.

He's not willing to make a commitment to me, not meaning spend all him time with me, but commitment as in a promise that I'm the only one he's with. He isn't willing to.

So why am I?

Chad asked me to have lunch with him the first day of school. I said yes. He's not my boyfriend, don't get me wrong.

I'm not going to sit around all day and let every chance at doing something pass me by.

I don't think I'm going to commit to anyone for a long time, I don't want to go through this again. Maybe if Brandon proves to me he wants me, but what are the chances of that? Even then, I don't know anymore. He's changed so much. He doesn't care about me anymore.

But I don't have a boyfriend. So if a great guys asks me on a date, there's a good chance I'll say yes. Like yesterday morning. Tanner and watched a movie and it was great! It was a ton of fun. And Luke and I hung out together alone last night. We do that a lot.

I'm not interested in any of them as more than a friend, but, obviously as the past couple weeks have shown, I can't predict the future.

I don't know.

I'm just not going to let a chance at happiness pass me by anymore. I want so badly to be happy.

I'm moving on with my life and living. I will be happy.

Could have died today. Three different times throughout the day I was either almost run off the road, into a wall, or into another car. People could not drive today.

But hours before any of this, this morning, when I was just angry, God, what a day, I wanted to crash my car into something, oh, the irony.

(Run-on sentence...)

I'll add more on this post tonight...

215am

Brandon wants me to move on.

Fine.

You've got it. I'm moving on.

I snuck out of the house for the first time tonight.

Like really snuck out-parents thought I was asleep, I left without them noticing and talked, went driving, and ate cereal with Tanner and Luke, then snuck back just a bit ago.

It's not all that exciting, but I wasn't all that in the mood I guess.

Since Brandon said that, I'm back to feeling nothing.

I haven't cried, I haven't cared about anything, I haven't felt emotion: happy or mad or sad or anything. I've just been...blah. Blank.

Tanner asked me if I was falling asleep a couple times tonight because I'd stare at nothing or say little.

But nothing is on my mind. I don't think about anything.

They did help keep my mind occupied and I did smile quite a bit. They're just so funny and goof off all the time. It's just what I need.

I do feel one thing actually. My heart-it's throbbing.

But everything else is blank.