Friday morning

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Brandon and I had a good talk tonight so I may not have much to say.

Let me just say now, I know he cares about me. Or a pray he does anyway. I believe he does.

I'm just tough on him because he doesn't show it.

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Sorry, got distracted talking to Kayleigh. She's going through a number of the same things I am in some form or another. She's overwhelmed with school and swimming, I am with guard. Can't wait until school starts... She's having best friend problems, I'm having Brandon problems. Her dad had knee surgery and her...Hope(I'm not sure if they're related or it's just a little girl she knows) is in the hospital and could be dying. One of my old friends is on a heart monitor and another is having brain surgery and depending on how the results of my tests go when I go to the doctor next week, I might be put on a heart monitor too. Not sure what that'll mean for the future for me, but we'll see how it goes. I'm not going to worry about it until they know. But yeah, talking to her was good. We can relate to one another.

Back to what I was originally saying, I do think he loves me. But he rarely shows it. Yeah, he says it all the time, but sometimes people talk without meaning. It just makes my mind wonder, never seeing it.

And that's what this is for, recording my thoughts, what's going on in my mind.

But I think I'm missing something or he's not telling me something. Because to me anyway, the difference between best friend and boy/girlfriend is very little.

If you're dating, when you hang out you can hold one another or lean on one another. You can take naps together, hold hands, and of course kiss and such. It also is a way of saying to each other, you're the only one I care about and the only person I'm seeing.

Other than that(for the most part), it's the same. Whether you're best friends or boyfriend/girlfriend, you're always there for one another, you can trust each other with anything, you can talk to each other about anything, you spend time together just because you want to, you have fun together, you don't judge each other, and you care about each other.

Brandon doesn't want to be together because he's afraid he can't be as devoted to me as he should be. That he doesn't have what would be expected of him from a relationship right now.

But as his best friend that he says he wants me to be, I'll still expect the same things from him.

I just know now that he can't handle all that I call for right now. When we were together, I didn't know he couldn't deal with it. So yeah, I'll bring it down as much as he needs me to. But if we were together now, it would be the exact same. I'd bring it down. I just didn't understand how full his plate was.

If we did start dating again, the only thing that would change is what I said above: I could hold him and help him feel better if something is wrong, if he gets hurt I can kiss it and make it better, on a free night when he's tired after a full day of school and band we can fall asleep together, etc.

And we'd be promising to each other that we are the only ones we want to be with.

That, I think, is the biggest difference.

He says he has no interest in anyone else and that it'd kill him to see me with someone else. And he knows I feel the same way.

That's why I feel like I'm missing something or there's something he's not telling me.

Or it could be that he's just never thought about things this way.

I don't know.

I said it to him tonight and he said he needs to think and sleep on it, he's overwhelmed, something that comes from his depression. So we'll see I guess.

Hm.

I have to talk to and go to Bellevue's football game with Luke, then hopefully Brandon and I can talk in person. If he can make time for me finally after a week.

*sigh

We'll seeeeeeeeee.

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Told you I didn't have as much tonight :)