Don't want to lose you now

230am this time.

I don't know what to put tonight.

I've been so...blank all day.

I still can't sleep, but I haven't tried yet.

I don't think I want to. When I sleep, I dream about him. I don't want to. Happy dreams hurt my heart and bad dreams just hurt me. And staying up, it gives me that ounce of hope that he'll say something to me, even though I know he won't. But for some reason, I just can't give up that little ounce of hope.

Even if I should.

He wouldn't have talked to me if I hadn't talked to him first. He would have stood me up.

I even wasted my time and got ready for him. Again.

I don't know how much more disappointment my heart can take.

And he didn't try to keep our conversation going.

What's the point in me keeping hope? He's going to leave me. He's just trying to find a good way to do it.

He'll say I'm too needy, I question too much, I'm too pathetic. He'll say, or rather, he'll imply--he's not that mean--that he doesn't need me. And he's right. He could do so much better.

Funny thing is, that's what everyone keeps telling me. "He's not good enough, he's a jerk, it's his loss, you could get anyone you want."

And maybe he'll even say that to make me feel better.

But he'd be wrong. They're all wrong.

Because the one I want is leaving me.

Or that's what it feels like.

And he'll say he wants to stay friends. But I don't think I really could.

Not for a while anyway.

And it's not like we would either way. He doesn't text first and it would hurt me too much to text him. He'd probably get annoyed with me texting him because I'd either be short with him because it would pain me to do more or I'd get too into the conversation because I want him back. Either way, he won't want to talk to me.

And if we waited a while, he'd move on. He'd forget about me and get distracted by friends and music.

Or someone new.

Because he really could get anyone he wanted.

I...I can't talk about this anymore. It hurts way too much and I'm really tired of crying.

But who's to say he does want to break up?

--God, optimism is really hard right now--

Maybe he just needs time to think.

But can't he at least tell me everything will be okay?

And what would he need to think about?

He is thinking about dropping me.

I really don't see any other way around it.

God, I hate myself so much.

I'm never good enough for anything. I can't keep anything I want, anything I need. I take too much for granted and I can't stand myself for that. I'm a terrible girlfriend and a terrible person. And now it's lost me the thing I care about more than anything in the world.

Shit, tears. So much for that.

I just want to go back to when we would lie in his bed together, my head on his chest and his arm around me. I want to lie there and talk to him for hours. I want us to goof off and tease each other. I want it to get to that point where one of us is over the other and we kiss. When it comes time for me to leave, I want to go back to when he did whatever he could to convince me to stay. And of course I would for a couple more minutes because I can't resist him. When we'd kiss the whole way to my car and I'd end up home late. I want to go back to a time when he'd text me the second I got home and demand that I sneak out to see him and we'd run away together and get married and live happily ever after together forever. He'd then try to explain why he loves me more than I love him with a sweet text message that I would save and I'd attempt to refute. But he's always had a better way with words. And we'd talk until we both fell asleep.

This is what I want.

But he probably thinks this is immature now. Or not as mature as our relationship is now. You know, the one in shambles. And yeah, maybe this was immature. But back then, I questioned nothing. He could have told me the world was ending and I would have, a-been okay with it, and b-believed him. Back then, I knew he loved me one hundred percent and that we'd be together forever.

I will always care about him, even if he does break up with me.

And no matter how much it will be killing me, I know I really will try to stay friends with him.

I'll come to his concerts and support him. I'll tell him good job after the band competitions. I'll back him up if he gets in a fight. And if he gets in a physical fight, I'll beat the person up with my super army strength ;D Not that he'll need it, freaking MMA crazy strong guy. He'll always be able to take me down. Then again, I don't think I'll ever be able to fight back. I'm too afraid I'll hurt him. Sometimes he hurts me momentarily, but I try not to show it. I know he'd hide it too. I'd always feel bad I hurt him and he's just not telling me.

Back on topic:I'd stay his friend, no matter how much it will tear me to shreds.

Ha, maybe if I'm lucky, he'll fall back in love with me. But that's just wishful thinking.

I just really, really need to know how he feels and what he's thinking. Anticipation is driving me insane and causing me to assume. Which is always a bad thing.

I don't know if I'll make it through tomorrow. Because I know he won't be able to see me at any time. And he probably won't text me. Unfortunately, I'm weak and text him. Then feel stupid about it two minutes later.

I really do suck.

Maybe something will happen Wednesday. I don't think I'll survive a moment past that.

Hell, I know I won't.

Most likely, I'll call and tell him it's over again and I can't keep waiting. I'll instantly regret it once my anger calms down and I'll call him back and say I can't do it. Again.

MY GOD I SUCK!

I just. Don't. Know.

I have nothing else to say for the night. I'll be reminiscing on this for the next hour or so.

311, over and out.