I think what I wrote when I woke up earlier today about covers it. But I still have two or three hours to beat myself up and remind myself how much life sucks.
Oh. One thing I will go ahead and say is that I was in a lot of physical pain today. I was sore, yes, but this was different and quite a bit worse. I've noticed the past couple weeks that my back around my spine has been hurting periodically. I don't know why but it has. Something I did last night must have really set it off. I've felt like I've had knives stuck in my back all day between my shoulder blades on either side of my spine there. It's that sharp pain you feel, almost like I was beaten there and the muscle is bruised or something. It hurts a lot.
And you know the scary part? Even to me? It's nice. My idea yesterday about it being a distraction was right. When I start to really hate on or feel sorry for myself or someone says something that upsets me again, I arch my back and it completely takes my attention away from the emotional pain.
I don't want to make this a habit or my means of escape from what I'm feeling inside, but it was nice for today. I'm trying to find a different outlet. I could go throw the rifle until my hands shake. That's what I used to do when I was upset. I also clench my fists, stomach, arm or leg, depending on how I'm sitting or standing when something hurts, emotionally or physically.
Hm, I guess I've always been kind of destructive to my body. It's always just seemed like something that wasn't a big deal. I don't cut, choke, or beat myself, so what I did always seemed okay.
I really don't know of any other kind of fix to the pain other than adding a different pain. I could always smoke or drink. It works for plenty of people. It's what Ryan did when he was depressed and again when he couldn't handle college.
-AH! My head really hurts!
Okay, it's good now. That was...unexpected.
I wouldn't smoke or drink. I can't stand the smell of either. With smoking, I know how addictive and costly it is. And I know the consequences like lung cancer and such. As for drinking, I greatly dislike the taste and the idea of losing control. So those are both a negatory.
I'll play it day by day and figure things out as I go. I don't know how much longer I'll last anyway.
124am
Saying I hurt is quite the understatement now.
Tuesday, tomorrow, would have been our ten month.
I don't think we'll get back together. I really don't. And it's not just because I'm stuck in this negative mood.
I really just don't. It was a feeling I had the second he told me he couldn't date me right now. I think that's one reason why I've been trying to get us back together the past couple days. The main reason is that I want to be with him, but secondary is that I think if we do break up for a long time, it'll stay that way.
I don't think he understands that things aren't going to slow down for him. Once you're a senior, that's it. He'll have marching band and jazz band and concert band and symphonic band and select band and all state and any other band I left out. He'll have to practice for each of those. Then he'll have college auditions to constantly practice for. On top of all this he'll have friends, homework, and eventually start up work again. And then college where he'll be just as busy. It won't slow down like he's planning, the kind of slow he wants us to have to be together.
If he does want to be with me, he'll have to sacrifice and adjust things like I did.
I had a busy schedule too with colorguard, winterguard, OM, the coffee shop, student council, NHS, tutoring, however many other clubs I was in, friends, and homework. I didn't have time. But I made time for him. There were times when I skipped meetings or practices, something I know he wouldn't ever do though. I cancelled and turned down plans with friends and spent that time with him. That's one reason why I have so few friends. They were the kind of people that want all or nothing. People I can live without. And the fact that I dated him lost me a couple people. Even less important people to me. Another way I adjusted was asking him to come to winterguard or visit me in the coffee shop, etc. And yeah, he had a busy schedule too so I'd go to his concerts or give him rides. Any small thing we could fit in. It's not like we got a lot of actual date nights until the summer. During the school year, we'd spend friday, saturday, or sunday nights together, nights when we had nothing. Just like the nights he has nothing now.
I have a feeling we won't date again once we're broken up for a while. Because he could make time now, but he doesn't. And it's not like we need a lot of time. If I saw him once a week I'd be happy. But I'm a friend now. He won't even say he loves me. There's no way he'll try to find a day a week to see me.
I'm ranting a lot tonight. Oh well, gets my thoughts out.
Hm I need to organize my thoughts about this so I can get it straight and figured out. It's all just floating around in my head and being annoying right now. A grid of some sort would help. I guess a list is the best I've got.
Dating vs. Not:
Similarities-
I love him the same.
Spend the same amount of time with him.
Think about him the same amount and the same way.
Still want to spend my life with him.
Still want him just as much.
I crave words or sight of him the same.
As friends, we'll still support each other the same.
Expect to talk to and see each other the same.
Have each other's backs the same.
Not-
Constant fear I'm losing him.
Loss of motivation and inspiration to anything.
Life is bleak and meaningless.
I see no future.
I'm afraid to touch him or say certain things around him. (Can we even be friends like that?)
I'm afraid he'll find someone else.
Or lose interest.
No matter how much he says he won't.
His family hates me. Along with everyone else.
It hurts me to know that he doesn't want to say he's with me.
Or that he doesn't want anything in the dating list.
Our options for what to do when we're together are so limited.
And will likely cost money or more gas.
My want of talking to or seeing him is increased, not knowing if it's the last.
I'm in pain.
Dating-
Security. A promise to one another that we love each other.
And are only interested in each other.
I can say I love you freely.
I can talk about anything without being worried.
I can also have physical contact without being worried.
A reason to be everything I can.
Seeing and picturing a future with whatever we want.
I wouldn't want to hurt myself.
He could hold me.
I can kiss him and he can kiss me.
And all the other physical things we want to do.
We can do things like watch a movie together or fall asleep together.
We can spend our time together at each other's house and not spend money.
I am confident he's always there for me.
I'm happy.
This is why I don't understand his decision and why I hurt so badly. We'd be happy: spending time together would be so much easier and I'd worry so much less about everything. And, well, everything else I said about being together is so much better than not. The only giant difference really would be my sentence before the last.
His mind works differently though. His big difference it that being apart, he'd think about me less. That I don't understand because if he cares about me the same, that shouldn't change.
But I don't know. Especially now after typing all this, it doesn't seem like it's worth it, throwing away and sacrificing all of that just to think about me a little less. That's the only "difference" there would be.
If there is another reason, like he's fallen out of love with me or there's someone else or something, I wish he'd just tell me. If not, I just don't get it. I don't see how it's worth it.
I need to think. If he still reads this, I hope he does too.
220am
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