In the end

1115

I broke.

I said something first.

And now.

Now at least I know.

The torture, the torment, the pain is over.

I feel blank.

I feel nothing.

I feel empty.

I've never

I don't

I

I can't

I'm at a loss.

I can hardly see the screen. I need to stop for a minute.

1147

I lied. Pain. Searing pain. everywhere all over

i can't do this i cant do this

i can hardly breathe, let alone type

im shaking and

and...

1224

i cant even listen to music.

i told joey chad and luke i can't talk. that i ihave to go

it doesn't even feel worth it to type correctly. im surprisedd im getting anything out at all.

But now it's getting on my nerves.

I feel literally numb, not even as an expression. I can't feel my fingers or my legs. And my head is starting to spin.

I have never cried like this in my life. Not even when I've gotten hurt physically in the past.

It's been an hour and it won't stop. I'm freaking huffing and puffing. Like actual sound. I never do that.

I begged. I can't believe myself. I really can't. I hate myself even more for it.

But I need him to talk to me.

He says us being together isn't right right now. That he can't give me the committed relationship I deserve. It's not the right time for him. But that I'm all he thinks about and that he'll always be there for me and he loves me.

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

It doesn't work like that. It's not that easy.

It's just not.

I think what hurts the most is that I lost my best friend.

I'm not going to be able to talk to him like we have before. Thinking about him makes me cry. Imagine what talking to him will do.

Plus, the main thing I need to be talking to him about is him.

I just don't get him! I even had him read the past three entries. He knows how I felt and yet he still said NOTHING until I did, again! Am I not worth him talking to first?

I guess I'm just like every other person to him.

Damn it, even when he KNEW I needed him to talk to me, I didn't matter enough to him to get anything at all.

Mcdonalds. I thought I was going to die. He didn't even look at me.

He shows that I'm worth nothing to him. And yet he says he loves me. And yet still, he doesn't want to be with me.

I can't say I believe him. I don't believe he cares about me at all.

Every ounce of my being wants to believe it, but I don't know if I can anymore.

He didn't talk to me for three days. Three days! It feels like it lasted six weeks! I kept my phone on me at all times and whenever I got a message or call, I'd get so happy! Only to be crushed when I wasn't from him.

All this hope and second/third/fortieth chance stuff is just carving away at my heart.

I just wish he'd show me he cared. That is all I want. It's all I've really wanted for a long time now.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

Maybe I'll actually fall asleep within an hour or two for the first time in the past week.

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