Great day over all but not much I want to talk about concerning it. I'd rather talk about the negative.
So I've noticed I have this constant underlying feeling of...I don't know what it is. I guess depression would sum it up, but I still don't really think I could be depressed. But yeah. I can have an amazing day and be happy and enjoy myself now which is great! That bad part is that I always have these sad/scary/paranoid/painful thoughts in the back of my mind. And if I take a break from anything and just think, like while I'm walking or eating or whatever, they fly to the top. I have to constantly keep myself busy or talking with people to keep them suppressed. It's...overwhelming sometimes. Both working to keep them down and all the stuff I do to keep them down. And yes those are two different things.
Brandon.
*sigh.
Again today 2 or 3 times he just wouldn't answer me. I had to call to get him to talk. And on the phone...God it hurt. He said the greatest thing I could ever say to him was that I was getting him sweet tea and ramen. Ouch. It was like a punch to the stomach.
And then he went on to say how all these other people said they were so worried about him as if to make me jealous. Does he really think I need that right now? I started to tear up and I thought I was going to lose it and start crying while I was on the phone with him.
God, talking to him just sucked. There is no emotion or care like there used to be in his voice anymore. It just kills me.
I played with my razor cutting blades for art tonight. I think flirting with the danger of hurting myself was a way to help push away the emotional pain without having to actually do it on purpose. Though I probably wouldn't have cared either way.
I'm starting to like Joel. It really surprised me, but I really look forward to seeing him and I love being in his arms. Then again, I'm like that with Tanner too, but Tanner has some personality traits and drinking/smoking habits I'm not a fan of. Joel doesn't. That I know of anyway. He drinks, but, haha, not like Tanner. As of right now, I think I'd be quite alright with dating Joel in the... sometime future?
But there's a couple things holding me back. Cody, Luke, Tanner, and Brandon.
Cody-I told him I didn't want to date right now just the other day. I mean, I don't really, but I also don't want to date him either way. He's quiet and awkward and way too far away anyway. But I can't tell him I don't want to date and then go out with someone else.
Luke and Tanner-Again, they like me. But also, I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Luke more so than Tanner. I think Tanner's still not up for dating yet anyway but still. But both him and Luke for the same reasons, just much more Luke. I don't know. I feel like I owe him. That's a sucky thing to go off of, but he was there for me through everything. He held me when I cried, he took me out to make me feel better, he truly cares about me and he's been my best friend. But you know, those are qualities of a best friend. Especially the last one ;) Tanner too. So maybe I'm just looking at them the wrong way. But I would need them to meet the guy and judge him before I date whoever.
Brandon-God, help me please. I guess to make a long story short, I'm still hoping he'll come back to me. Because if I move on, it'll give him more incentive to move on. And for a while, that will just tear me apart. But if the girl truly makes him happy, I'll be okay with it I guess. Ehhhh, tearing again.
Though honestly, I don't know how willing I'd be to going out with him again. He needs to grow up a lot. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's true. He's very stuck in his own little world and he'll get nowhere with that mentality. Not with me or the rest of mankind.
backwards as it may seem, he acted more mature in the first half of our relationship. I think getting back in band and being around those people brought him down quite a bit. I love the band and everyone in it, but they seriously need to grow up. Especially the seniors. They don't seem to get that there's more to life than high school. Like Katie. She's lost all her friends outside of it, me, Aaron, etc. Everyone else is moving in that direction too. Thank God our class wasn't like that, or really any before us. Well, of course there were the select few, but there always is. Hm, I wonder what caused the shift with this grade. Probably because they're all so full of themselves. Wow, that sounded mean. It wasn't supposed to. It's just that they're all so talented, so they think they're the shit and that's all there is in life. I can't wait until they graduate and get kicked in the ass in college. Yeah, that sounded mean, but it was supposed to this time. Because it's the truth and they need it or they won't have any friends other than each other.
Brandon said the other night that he doesn't think he's meant to have friends.
If he keeps treating people the way he treats me, he won't have any besides me. Because I won't give up on him. But I guarantee the rest will. But...I couldn't.
--I keep dozing. I'll talk more about this tomorrow.
125pm
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