MORE ADDED:
I've done nothing today. I guess I really took the idea of Labor Day and resting to heart.
Brandon and I were supposed to do something. But he couldn't.
From twelve until late tonight he was helping Alicia pack and dropping her off at college.
I kind of figured that would only take around five hours rather than like nine. An hour for packing and four hours to drive down, say goodbye and whatever, and drive back. Seems like way more than enough. But I guess he had something better to do those other four or so hours that I don't know about.
Oh well. What can I do right? It's his choice. I've got to support his decision. I don't have any other choice.
Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I almost did a bunch of times, but putting my attention on my physical pain turned it away.
My back still hurts today. Not quite as bad, but in the same way. I really don't know what I did to it and I don't know how to help it.
It has helped me not cry today too though.
I've noticed that different things upset me differently on different days. Just pointing it out. I don't have much to say about it.
My parents think I'm depressed. They think I'm showing the same signs of my brother.
I don't smile anymore. I didn't realize that. I used to always be smiling. I didn't notice that I don't. It was such a habit.
I rarely eat anything. If anyone knows me they know that's not right. I had to force down a sandwich this morning. And at dinner, I just felt sick. I took maybe two bites and asked if I could wrap it up and eat it later. Which I won't.
I stay in my room all day or lie on the couch. My whole family is downstairs right now playing on the wii like we used to all together. I'm sitting on my bed on the computer. I have lost interest in doing anything else.
I'm turning people away. Well, I'm turning away the only person interested in seeing me. Instead of walking with Luke, I went to school and ran and all that that I mentioned in the past. He also asked me to go to the fireworks with him and Melanie. I couldn't bring myself to go. But as far as my parents know, I'm turning all my old friends away. They don't know that those people don't want to hang out with me anymore.
The only person that I'm not turning away...I don't want to get into that. I'd rather not cry again.
I space out. Not like I've done in the past, but all the time. I don't like thinking because it ends up making me sad or angry. So I stare at nothing and listen to those around me. I don't really take in what they say, but it's one way to pass the time. And I sure have a lot of that.
I avoid talking. My response to everything is nothing or okay. I tell my parents I don't want to talk about it or I'm fine. That's about it. Simple one word answers is all I can give.
I'm not happy. But that's the definition of depression, right?
These are all things(or mostly things) my bother started doing when he went through his depression.
I find it hard to believe that I'm actually going through a depression. It's just not me. I'm a happy person. I smile all the time, help others whenever I can, I am laid back and keep my emotions in control. I don't show when anything is wrong and I normally just shrug things off. I am energetic and love to try new things and have fun.
I can't imagine someone like that being depressed. It doesn't fit.
But my parents think I am.
I think I'm just sad. But I've never really seen anyone depressed. My brother and I didn't see much of each other back then because we were both so busy and there was a seven year age gap. And with Brandon, he mostly hid it from me. If it got bad, he wouldn't hang out with me or we'd just sleep. So I don't really know.
Oh well. I think I will try to go out tonight. I don't really want to, but I don't want to worry my parents too much and I don't want to blow Luke off yet again. I'd feel bad. Or worse. Whatever.
Hm, well I'll be back tonight. I have a feeling I'll have something to talk about.
126am
I am glad I went out. Both Luke and Tanner have been in my situation so it's good to hang out with them and see they've made it through or are getting better.
We didn't really talk about the situation, but they helped keep my mind off of it.
Tanner, his "case" is the worst. He's tried to kill himself quite a few times and had to be revived a couple of those instances. He still struggles now and again with everything. He said Robin and he are not friends. That she's mean to him now.
If I was in that situation, I probably would do the same thing. I can't even imagine that.
But I'm glad I have them. It helps a lot.
Actually, overall I had a great night. Well, compared to how things have been lately.
If everything was normal, or how I want it to be anyway, tonight would have just seemed good, not quite as great because I'd be used to having good nights.
Tonight the boys kept my mind off everything. And I talked to Aaron for a while. He's not too happy with Brandon, haha. It made me feel better.
And I talked to Brandon for a bit which brightened my night so much more than he'll know. When I'm talking to him, things feel like they did before, like everything will be alright and I have something to live for.
But once we stop, reality settles in and all light dies away again.
So yeah. By my current standards, tonight was great. I smiled. More than once. And it wasn't fake. That's big.
And I didn't cry again today. I got close earlier in the first half of the day, but my back was still hurting...
It doesn't hurt anymore though. So I'll probably go back to crying tomorrow. I'll keep it posted.
There was more happy in there then you'll likely see all week, if you're even reading this Brandon. Enjoy it now!
I'm not sure what I think about him reading all these. Sometimes I hold back. I'm also afraid they'll scare him away. People can't read minds for a reason haha. And I'm afraid it will hurt him or confuse him. I do often think one way and say or act another. Because I don't like showing my vulnerability. He's really the only person to have ever seen it.
I guess if he does read this, I want these things to be more of something he keeps in the back of his mind and how I act/what I say or what he wants in the front of it. Because normally, most of this stuff he would never know. You know?
Meh. Well I can't control what he thinks, that's for sure.
I could always change the website so he couldn't see it. But something's holding me back.
I think deep down I want him to read these. A lot of this are things I want to say to him, but I'm scared to because I know confrontation scares him. This way, he can read it if he wants. If not, well, he can choose not to.
But still. Some of this I don't always know if I want him to read. But I just feel like I can be so honest here. I don't know. I'm such an open book to him now. There's no more mystery. Which sometimes is something you need to keep a relationship going. To keep someone interested. Crap. He's going to lose interest. And yet another bad decision by me.
Maybe I shouldn't assume just yet. If things start to...fade, I'll change the site.
Good solution.
Happy ten months, my angel. I love you so much.
Now I'm sad again. I'm getting off.
218am
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