So far, today's been really hard. And it's just begun.
Nothing's really happened, but I've been in a bad/sad mood, everything is bothering me, and I've been thinking all these terrible things.
I thought I was leaving this and getting happy again. What's going on?
No me gusta para nada.
I don't want to be sad or angry again. I don't know why I'm feeling this way either. It sucks.
I'm hoping guard or hanging out with Brandon will make it better.
God.
I hate this.
:(
733pm
Leaving the hospital today, I was thinking about what I was going to say.
A couple rooms down from Tanner, a 17 year old was dying. His family and friends were going in to say their goodbyes and we watched as the priest went in.
I've never been so close to death before.
It got me thinking about if someone I loved was dying. I don't know how I'd be able to say goodbye like those people were. I'd just die.
Tanner had a 40% chance of dying, and he lived. If he'd been in that 40%, I really don't know what I would have done.
I was going to go on more about this. Then I was going to do the following:
BRANDON, IF YOU'RE READING THIS-DON'T YOU DARE DIE! Or I'll kill you. In all seriousness. I'll find a way. Then I'll kill myself.
I was going to talk about all this and more and be all sad and sappy and value life.
BUT I AM PISSED!
So it's not worth it for us to hang out for a just little bit? I'd be fine with five minutes. And a little bit was probably like two hours. God, I'm so mad. I'm so hurt might be more accurate. How can he say I mean something to him if he just cancels on me all the time like it's nothing? He doesn't want to see me. I have to ask him. I have to do everything. He text me during practice and said it's because I didn't say anything to him. And apparently it's my fault for not texting him during practice or something. Or maybe leaving practice early to see him. What the hell?! He'd never even consider doing something like that.
I'm just so sick of him always canceling on me. He won't make plans with me, he won't talk to me half the time, he won't hug me in front of people.
I'm finished trying to be his friend. If he wants to be mine, he can put effort behind it. This is ridiculous. My expectations were next to nothing. We talked maybe once a day for a little bit. And we didn't even see each other once a week. I try to see him again, he cancels after saying he can. I try again, and he does the same thing. Now, their gone. All expectations gone. I'm done caring. I'm done putting so much effort toward nothing.
And guard sucked. And I've been so nervous and worried about Tanner all day. And I have sticky crap from the heart monitor all over me and it won't come off. And the spots they were on still hurt like they bruised or something.
Today was supposed to be so good.
Now I just want to hit someone.
Thank God for Luke. He'll take me out and get my mind off things.
AHHHHHHH! HATE LIFE!
No comments:
Post a Comment