I'm not going to let you disappear.

143am

What an incredible weekend. I'll start with Friday.

Art history that morning at ten.

I'm so going to be late on days when I have rappelling in the morning. She said I had better get there in time when I asked her about it. Well crap.

Class was boring but Chad and Tim helped keep me busy drawing all over my note page. After that I went with Erin, Tim, and Ben to start the color project. Then I hung out in Joel's dorm room for an hour with his roommate How(He's chinese, I don't know how to spell it.) while he went to math. How is freaking awesome! Doesn't know a ton of english, but he's getting there. Chad came in after about a half hour and joined in. Joel and Sam came in at the end of the hour. We goofed off for a while, played Call of Duty(or tried in my case), then everyone had to go so it was just me and Joel.

He's great. We talked and acted silly and teased each other and flirted. We kissed too. He's really bad. Maybe I should fix that! hahaha. But yeah. He knows I don't want a boyfriend and we've talked plenty since so it's not like it's awkward. It's really no big deal haha.

That night I left in a huge freaking hurry(thanks to Joel not letting me leave, the butthead) and sped an hour north for Pride. We did dance and flag. Flag was great but dance seemed so hard! Luckily it got easier as the weekend went on. That night we went from 7pm to 11pm.

Saturday, we did dance again, then rifle, then sabre. Dance just reviewed from the night before. Rifle went really well. I caught on to the work quickly and technique wasn't bad. Sabre was another story. It took me forever to catch on to the work! I felt so behind.

We did runs of all the work we'd learned so far the past two days that night. Kind of like a midterm. I did great on dance. If I remember correctly, rifle was good too. Sabre blew. But the four people I did it with screwed up too. All the other groups were much better on it. We didn't do flag. That day was 8am to 10pm, basically non-stop. Rough.

Sunday we did it all. It was pretty much all review all day but also sabre technique. That was going really well until we got to 6's and 7's on blade. I can't do them. 7 on hilt, sure. Blade? Not a freaking chance. I struggled to get to 5's. Embarrassing. But the rest was good.

That evening we had our 'finals.' Basically they called us up in groups of 5 or 6 on whatever piece of equipment/flag/dance and we did a run of the work twice.

Flag-pretty good. I think I turned too much on both runs at the end. Hey, at least I'm consistant haha.

Rifle-very good. Neither of the 6's were very solid, but I performed well and hardcore and hit all the work very very well.

Sabre-first one was rough. Not my worst, but I'd done better. Second was the second best I'd done. I've never gotten through it flawlessly like the other equipment, but I only missed the grab right before the 6 so I used 2 hands instead of 1.

Dance-beautiful. I love that dance. It's just great. And I love performing it! It's a mix of being sad and hurt like your heart got ripped out. Let's just say I was one of the more realistic performers. I almost started crying one of the times haha.

Sunday we worked 8am-5pm.

So to wrap up Pride, I did great for a high school graduate. But I was trying out against people who'd marched in the Blue Devils, Cavies, Santa Clara, Phantom, etc. They were sick. So I really doubt I'll make it, but I did really well, learned a lot, and had fun. I'm really proud of myself. That's the best I've ever been and easily the best I've ever performed. It was awesome.

When I got home, I waddled around--side note: I have never been so sore. It hurts to lift my head! No matter what I move, something hurts and I look like I've been beaten. It's terrible.

I worked on my color project from 7 until I got on here but I was distracted a LOT. All in all I probably spent about 5 hours on it. I'm so glad it's done.

Tomorrow I am busy as hell. Gah.

Luckily I'll got some down time from school and guard tomorrow at lunch with Joel and at 830 with Luke. I miss spending time with him! I need my Luke fix haha. I'm going to see if Tanner wants to come too. He's another one I miss seeing a lot.

As for Brandon. Not a lot to say. Didn't talk to me for days. Never answered me. Nada. So I told him he's not a friend to me and to talk to me when he's ready to be. And he's really not. I love him with all my heart, but he's not there for me at all. The next day he wished me luck for that weekend. And today he said he hope it went well. It's nice. I just wish he'd actually talk to me.

I tell him I love him every night. He hasn't returned it in almost a week, if not more. Days all mesh together now. That sure was a sucker punch. He's told me he'd love me forever, even if we didn't date. He also said if I wanted, he tell me he loved me every morning and every night. I want it. Until he doesn't mean it. Which may be the case. But if the first statement is true, it can't be.

Hm, I don't know. I don't get him. I still don't get why we're not together. My schedule is going to be way busier than his coming up and I was willing to stay together. Breaking up never crossed my mind. By the way he's acting now, I'd assume the reason we broke up was because he doesn't care about me anymore. Being busy was just an excuse. Reading through the whole situation, that's what it looks like.

Whether this would be considered fortunate of not, I can't bring myself to really believe that. I kind of wish I did so I can just move on, but can't. I'm going to call it unfortunate.

Tanner, Luke, Cody, Joel, they've told me they like me. And they're all great guys. The best part about them is they know I don't want to date and they still want to be my friend. They like me as a person and not just as a girl. Super thumbs up to me. But there's just no appeal to me to be with them as more than that. With anyone. I look at guys and see friends, not boys. I look at Brandon and I see my entire world. Which sucks because it's not what he wants.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I've got a long day ahead of me and two dates to make me feel better.

Over and out.