Made to love

I couldn't follow through with what I wouldn't say on my last post.

Oh, 301

I was going to not talk to him and see if he really wants to be my friend. Yeah, sounds stupid, I know. But that's about the most I can do.

But we talked today at the baseball, then the soccer field. It went from serious to silly, back to serious, and back a forth over and over. And almost the whole time I cried.

We're going to be friends.

I just hope he can find time for me. I don't think he can.

And I'm not sure if I can hang out with him and not want to rub his hand or anything. But what other choice do I have? I can't imagine not having him in my life at all.

He keeps saying he wants me to be happy and that this whole mess is better for us and we'll be happier this way. It is something I want to hear and I know it's something he feels like he has to say. But I don't think it's something I can hear anymore. Because it makes me want to believe it. Unfortunately, it's not true. It in no way makes me happy. It is to make him happy.

Don't get me wrong, I guess I'm happy we're at least friends. Kind of. But it's not the happy he's talking about. The only reason I am okay with any of this at all is because I know it'll make him happy. And that means more to me than my happiness.

The word happy is looking and sounding weird to me now.

Much of this is what I said to him earlier, but I can't get it off my mind.

Really quick, I said I'd add something happy(there it is again):

Umm...

No one was home when I came home to see me crying. That's happy-ish, right?

Best I've got.

I smell like him...I...can't type...