No giving up

310am

I started a new one instead of adding on to the last because I think I'll have a lot to say.

I just don't know where to start.

I'm going with the train of thought method. So it may not make a lot of sense.

I cried today.

The 8th, yesterday, was our 10 month. He said nothing.

Why wouldn't he talk to me earlier?

And after I said goodnight and I love you, he. said. nothing.

I didn't notice the message he did end up sending me after twelve until around three. Right before I started this. That's what made me cry.

The message, not the time.

Although the timing may have had an effect.

I talked to both Tanner and Luke individually a lot tonight. Each about a half hour or so. Tanner, when he and I went to get cookie dough. Oh, and again a couple minutes ago because he was concerned about me being upset. He could tell through text. FTW. Luke, when he went to drop me off tonight we sat in my driveway for a long time.

Originally when I was thinking about what to type tonight around 230, I was going to talk about how I should try to move on. How I should be with someone who treats me better and wants to be with me. Deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to really move on, but I was feeling brave. I was feeling self confident.

Hanging out with these two, I've felt better about myself. They've both been through it, Luke in a less extreme case and Tanner in a much, much more extreme case. I'm their happy medium :D

Anyway, they've talked to me about their experiences and how they've dealt with it and still are. They've also just been good friends. And such gentlemen.

They both open the car door for me. It was funny, Luke's always done it, but the first time he did it in front of Tanner, he was like, woah! You do that too! It was funny. Here I hang out with and have dated all these guys and not one of them is like that. And now the only two people who hang out with me both do. Oh, the irony.

But it's...refreshing, knowing there are such polite guys out there.

They saran wrapped me. That was just funny. Spinning me around until it was like five layers thick. Then carrying me around the house. Oh it was fun. Not something I'll soon forget. I mean, how many people can say they've been saran wrapped??

I'm going to get no sleep tonight. I'm getting up at nine to hang out with Tanner. I might be able to sleep from twelve until two but I have guard 230 to 530. Then I'm going to meet them at the gym and go swimming. That'll be fun. I haven't swam since...well shit. Brandon's.

Back to what I was saying forever ago. I felt strong earlier. Like I can find someone else who will be there for me and I'd be okay.

THEN I NOTICED THAT STUPID MESSAGE!

It shattered me. Like literally. It just pounded through my thin wall of strength and debris flew everywhere.

I was in the bathroom about to wash my face. I read it and started crying. I actually grabbed my head, squeezed my eyes together and started jumping up and down.

Okay, the message wasn't stupid. Messages like that are what I live for. Well, mostly. The I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry--I'm getting choked up--is what I live for now. Because they mean so much to me and I want to hear them so, so badly. I've never wanted anything more. Lie. I want him more. But I know I can't have him.

That wall I built up, it was paper thin and probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. I honestly didn't truly believe it either.

Sometimes I wish I did though. It would make my life so much easier if I could just move on.

But I don't want to move on. I want to be with Brandon.

I want to be with Brandon.

He has the most amazing smile. I never really told him that. But, God! I just love it when he smiles. I was looking at Olivia's pictures this morning. There's one with all the seniors where he's smiling. I don't know how long I stared at it and smiled myself. It always made me so happy to see him smile. And to make him smile! So, so, so, so happy.

I really need him to hold me.

I sound so pathetic. You just don't know how I feel. You're a journal for Christ's sake.

Tanner does. Like nothing I've ever heard of. His advice and all that is so freaking good. I don't even know how to explain it. He knows EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's just unreal. I mean, people say, I know what you mean, but there's always that bit of them really not being able to relate just right. Something's always different about there situation. It's close, but not quite there.

That's not this case at all.

One thing he talked about was high school. When someone becomes a senior in high school, they want freedom. They want to goof off and have no responsibilities. It's senior year! It's their last year before the real world sets in and they just want to have fun. And most of the time, they want to do it by themselves.

Tanner and I were different than most seniors. Tanner had to grow up early. His dad died when he was seven and he had to take over those responsibilities. I'm just different. I'm not nostalgic, I'm more logical and down to earth than most people, and I just wanted to get out of Beechwood. I was sick of all the cliques and rumors and cattiness. I wanted to start over new. New people, new identities, new me.

So neither of us were terribly interested in all the hype: the freedom, the parties, the senioritus. We were just living each day as it was and we both wanted to share each and every one of those days with the person we cared about the most.

Unfortunately for us, Robin and Brandon didn't feel the same way their senior year this year.

Tanner and Robin aren't friends. Tanner loves her and would do anything for her, but she has done some things that I couldn't even imagine doing to someone I absolutely hated. And yet, Tanner would take a train for her. Now, if she begged at his feet for him to take her back, he'd cry as he said no.

I don't want this to happen to us, to Brandon and me. Oh my God, I'd just die.

Which is what Tanner tried to do so many times. In the past month he's been revived five times. For one of those, he was pronounced dead for two minutes.

I can't imagine trying to kill myself, but just a week ago I couldn't imagine Brandon and me being apart. Now look at us.

I'd take a train for him without a second thought.

I love him and I miss him so much.

It's so hard right now, he doesn't understand.

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