Rescue you

1149pm

Hm. Where to start.

Well today was nearly great. It was good, but almost great.

School was awesome! I loved my classes and the teachers in each. I have made or already had a friend in each too which makes it easier. Rappelling is going to rock so much! I can't wait!

I'm not sure what tomorrow's classes will be like though. I'll update you tomorrow ;)

It was cool, all the support I got. More unexpected then anything. I had three or four people tell me good luck yesterday, a couple more this morning and through the day, and then most of them ask about it afterwards.

There's one person who didn't say a thing about it until after I talked to him. That just kinda hurt. I thought he'd be more supportive or at least more interested in me.

And then he just stopped talking to me tonight. Again.

Breathe.

I noticed tonight that like all my friends are boys. All my close friends are right now. Luke, Tanner, and Cody. Brandon sometimes. If he feels like it. *sigh. Oh! And Breanna darlin.

Then there's also Chad, Aaron, and Erin on the next level down. So two girls. Then the friend I made in ROTC today, Brianna(haha, irony).

But yeah. Tonight I talked to Brandon(for a short bit), Luke, Cody, Tanner, and Chad.

And I'll see all of them tomorrow! Except Brandon.

Well damn. Then again why am I surprised?

Meh, unhappy.

Guard! Guard was very good today! We got half the second song work done in one day! Sometimes we don't get past two sets, so that just rocked. They just better remember that for tomorrow haha. We'll seeeeeeeeeeee.

AH! PRIDE! I'm so nervous. I really want to make it. I need some kind of accomplishment in my immediate future or I'm going to crash and burn.

I really just need self esteem I think.

At least I'm good at faking it.

God. I had to bring the mask back out.

Before this last...basically month, I hadn't had to fake everything like this since before Brandon and a bit into the start of our relationship.

I'd pretty much worn it all my life before that. Even when I was little. My 'friends' treated me like shit. I guess it became a habit to fake being happy. Ha, I know it fooled a lot of people growing up. Most people think I've had this great life and have nothing to complain about. Come to think of it, I don't think any one really knows about anything I went through. Brandon knows the most, but still not much.

Stupid mask. I hate wearing it. I hate faking how I feel. But you know, it's because my above mentioned childhood that I want people to see me as happy. Because I want to make other people happy more than anything else. When you're happy, it helps make others feel the same. When a crabby pissed off person comes in a room, other people start getting all pissy too. I just can't do that to people. Or I don't like to.

It's just that when I was with Brandon, I rarely was like that. He brought out the best in me, made me happy, and gave me something to look forward to. He was my inspiration.

WHY THE FUHK DOES EVERYTHING LEAD BACK TO HIM??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!

--fuhk is Breanna's word. I told her I'd use it. It's cute :) --

But still. Why? Just brings back a whole new wave of hurt to think about everything.

...hm, I thought of something I wanted to ask him earlier today. Now I can't remember. Well crap. Forget it.

This is going to annoy me dammit.

Wow, it's 1246. I sure get distracted easily. But hey, I got a bunch of new music and I got to talk to Tanner and Cody. Worth it.

I really hope tomorrow is better. There just feels like there's a big piece missing from my day.

Well duh. Didn't think that one through before typing.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight. I wish Brandon would want to see me.

Nighty night.